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Save a tree — wipe your ass with a hippie


It’s obvious the media made up a whole batch of warmist stories for the run-up to the Copenhagen summit, and they’re by-god going to run them — Climategate be damned. The New Scientist has an article hilariously titled Five eco-crimes we commit every day.

Eco-crimes. Gosh, that sounds super science-y.

Anyhow, it’s a list of things that produce more CO2 than you think (you do think about how much CO2 you’re pumping out, don’t you?). You might’ve knowed it would be a list of everyday things life would be perfectly fucking miserable with less of. New clothes before your old ones have totally worn out. Doing the laundry. Letting food go to waste. Coffee (dear sweet Jesus…coffee).

And, yes. Toilet paper.

It seems long fibers from freshly cut trees are needed to make soft bog-roll. As paper is recycled, the fibers get shorter and harsher. One hundred percent recycled TP is probably like burnishing your asshole with a windowscreen, but…hey. Polar bears, dude.



Hooray! Greenpeace gives us a guide to environmentalist-approved toilet paper, including a handy .pdf you can print out and carry with you. In case of shock toilet-paper-buying opportunities, I guess.

Incidentally, if Greenpeace is accurately describing the situation — if Kimberly-Clark really was needlessly cutting down old-growth forests to make toilet paper — then I guess I’m glad they got nagged into stopping. On the other hand, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find they had been harvesting trees in a responsible way on the advice of wise forest managers. And indian shamans.

If I had to play who-do-you-trust between Big Business and Big Eco…meh.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 1, 2009, 7:23 pm

Oh, and check out the Glorious Lemur King’s latest ‘Shop. Dude’s getting the graphics thing down.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 1, 2009, 7:36 pm

And this sweet take-down of Robert Gibbs. That didn’t occur to me.

Comment from BuckNutty
Time: December 1, 2009, 7:44 pm

Just because something doesn’t occur to you doesn’t mean you can’t steal it.

Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: December 1, 2009, 7:55 pm

Whenever PETA sends me literature, I send them a Slim Jim in the mail. It’s the least I can do. Maybe used TP would be ideal to send to these Greenies, provided they send me anything in the mail. And does poop stick to Hippies hair? I just love that joke.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:13 pm

This is such a crock. The paper industry has, almost en masse, for decades been planting more trees than it uses.

Well, if you made paper for a living, wouldn’t you want to ensure the future of your business?

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:14 pm

Now THERE is a great way to push Cannabis growing. As Fiber for ASSWIPE!! And the best part is that the higher the THC and resin content of the TP, the more likely it is that people will learn to wipe their asses thoroughly (which can only be a BLESSING at the State Fair)….


Comment from Sigivald
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:18 pm

Around here, they cut down old-growth for lumber, not TP. (Though I’m sure the bits too small to make good sticks do get used, and some ends up as TP.)

Really good, straight lodgepole pine or noble fir or the like get shipped whole to Japan, in fact.

(Then again, as Badger says, I’ve seen the small forests that Weyerhauser and Boise Cascade have planted, of fast-growing hybrid cottonwood, specifically for paper.

Again, old-growth coniferous forest wood is too valuable as lumber to use for TP.

And of course here in the US all the old-growth on Federal land is protected.)

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:22 pm

I had a feeling they were tapdancing, Sigivald. They didn’t say old-growth, they said “ancient forests” — which I suspected might mean something other than ancient trees.

It’s infuriating, because I actually care a lot about wilderness and definitely support preserving it, but all the foundations that claim to promote such things are watermelons.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:24 pm

On the rare occasion I am trusted to shop, I will often select non-Boss approved TP (purely from a total lack of interest in the entire shopping experience) and bring it home. This stuff often resembles the “One hundred percent recycled TP” described above. When this happens, I am required to stock my office bathroom with this (as punishment for failing to take my shopping responsibilities seriously, of course).

Oh, and the Boss and I refer to it as “British toilet paper.”

Incidental tip #6: Wiping one’s ass with snow is not recommended.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:30 pm

Oh, I think Uncle B would take exception to the expression. He’s VERY particular about this toilet paper. Only brand he’ll use is called Velvet. And, for reasons I never have understood, their marketing image is a little boy in a suit and tie.

Which I guess is better than the Andrex puppy. Wipe your ass on a puppy!

Comment from Allen
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:33 pm

Have you ever noticed that some of these people speak of trees as eternal living things? I wonder if they realize that trees eventually die and fall over, including the nests of Hippius Flammeus (Hippy Owl) in them.

Speaking of which, after the spring run-off I’m going to cut down a 200′ Sugar Pine that’s deaded. I’m not sure if a party before hand will increase or decrease my bad Gaia debt thus causing the tree to crush my mountain place.

Either way I won’t have a shortage of firewood. Hey, I’m an optimist.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:36 pm

Oh, we call it British TP because of some we, um, experienced at a hotel in London.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 1, 2009, 8:50 pm

Actually Stoatie, since Sheryl Crow is the handmaiden of the “One square per bowel movement” enviro-movement, I suggest wiping on her wardrobe…..

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: December 1, 2009, 9:47 pm

Try the stuff in Germany, JWP. Cheeeeesuz!

Comment from mesa in Texas
Time: December 1, 2009, 10:14 pm



Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 1, 2009, 10:18 pm

Heh heh.

Comment from Brian L.
Time: December 1, 2009, 10:21 pm

Aww shucks, thanks for the link, S.W.!

Honest question: Since Gibbsy is so obviously a member of the Weasel species, how awkward is it when he shows up to the “family” reunions and such?

Okay, maybe that wasn’t so serious…. 😉


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 1, 2009, 10:40 pm

On a somewhat related note, Pope AlGore the first has decreed that Penance, Indulgences, Photographs and the opportunity to kiss his fat royal ass shall be available in Copenhagen for the meer pitance of $1209 dollars for all comers begining (quite appropriately) on December 7th.


Comment from porknbean
Time: December 2, 2009, 12:28 am

I saw that scuba. I hope someone shows up and shoves a footprint up his ass.

Comment from porknbean
Time: December 2, 2009, 12:29 am

Oh and no way will I allow my sweet ass anywhere near a hippy. I don’t care for itching and burning and de-crabbing.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 2, 2009, 1:40 am

ya know Stoatie, it could be worse, he could use Silk Soft..


Comment from mongo
Time: December 2, 2009, 2:22 am

Jeeezus I hates me some hippeh! Foookin Hippehs take a bath and quit ruining patchouli for the rest of us! You fookin fookers!

Have I mentioned I hate Hippies?

Comment from David Gillies
Time: December 2, 2009, 2:39 am

Uncle B: remember Izal? My Methodist great-aunts wouldn’t have anything that didn’t mortify your ringpiece in the (out)house. Im still backed-up from 30 years ago.

And as P. J. O’Rourke (PBUH) pointed out, conserving trees by cutting down on paper use is like conserving wheat by cutting down on bread consumption.

Comment from gogman
Time: December 2, 2009, 5:01 am

Is that James May in hippie garb? I refuse to wipe my arse on Captain Slow. Hamsters are much softer…

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 2, 2009, 7:55 am

I don’t know who it is, gogman. It’s some random old dude in a livingroom snapshot. I asked Google for hippie, large.

And yes, David Gillies — trees are a crop. We grow them on purpose for this. Hey, didn’t we spot you in the Telegraph comments yesterday? Or was it the Times? Small commentariat.

Comment from Blast Hardcheese
Time: December 2, 2009, 9:09 am

Myself, I like Stoaty’s Hand O’ Doom (TM) reaching for the hippie. We need to have that as a regular feature on new material.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: December 2, 2009, 10:40 am

Prolly Telegraph, Weasel. I hang out at Delingpole’s blog (sound fellow, looks like he’d be good for a beer or seven). I am also a serial commenter on Worstall, Samizdata, AOSHQ, Obnoxio and Ambush Predator (AKA JuliaM, the ultimate cougar 🙂 ) so I get about.

The trick with a hippie is to slap him upside the head with one of those gunshot forehand slaps that make him ricochet off three walls like a pinball. You can’t slap sense into a hippie, but that shouldn’t discourage you from giving it the old college try. At the very least you will end up with a slapped hippie, which is a net improvement.

Comment from Shifty1
Time: December 2, 2009, 11:36 am

If I didn’t drink coffee, wipe my butt properly, maintain a smei-current wardrobe or wash the few pairs of bell-bottoms and fring-ey jackets I DO have….Why I’d BE a hippie!

They should all die a horrible death for suggesting I give up my coffee……

“How do ya hide money from a hippie……put it under da soap!”
Sleazy P. Martini, “Slaughterama”

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 2, 2009, 12:14 pm

I hang out at all those places except Samizdata. Used to. Got a bellyful of deHavilland and one or two others. Something about that crew flat pisses me off.

Comment from Lily Ledbetter
Time: December 2, 2009, 12:20 pm

“And indian shamans.”

I think in this case it would have been indian Charmins.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 2, 2009, 12:31 pm

Charmin. Man, I miss those cartoon bears. The big dude clearly having a shit behind a tree and then sighing with happy relief as he grabs a square of Charmin.

It was a bold move, allying your product with what a bear does in the woods.

Comment from mesa in Texas
Time: December 2, 2009, 1:14 pm

Hey weas, I ordered one of your shirts from Zazzle (don’t tell anyone, it’s a gift).

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 2, 2009, 1:44 pm

Aw, thanks, mesa! My t-shirt empire groweth apace.

But I’m pretty sure anybody can get on this internet thing, you know. Type quieter.

Comment from Lily Ledbetter
Time: December 2, 2009, 1:58 pm

“bold move”
or a B.M.? It just doesn’t end does it?

Comment from Sockless Joe
Time: December 2, 2009, 4:28 pm

’round these parts, low-grade TP is “John Wayne” toilet paper. It’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take no crap off of nobody.

Comment from Nibbles
Time: December 2, 2009, 5:24 pm

Check out the front page of the Onion website. Right now.

Comment from weirdsister
Time: December 2, 2009, 5:26 pm

Dear Stoatie,
Is it my imagination, or is the toilet paper in Great Britain made of coarse grit sandpaper? I’ve been there twice, and my ass has never fully recovered from the British loo paper experience. Maybe I’m just a spoiled, rain-forest devouring American. What do YOU think?


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 2, 2009, 5:36 pm

You mean Zombie Reagan, Nibbles? I been selling t-shirts offa that sucker for two days, after it got reposted on HotAir. Heh heh.

In this household, we take our bog-roll very seriously, weirdsister. I have no idea what Uncle B does with it, but he does it in HUGE quantity. The TP chez Badger is as soft and fluffy and…yes, squeezable as any American asswipe I have ever encountered. Far nicer than anything I used to buy Stateside.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 2, 2009, 5:38 pm

Though I have to admit, I was really cheap with the toilet paper. It was an expense I resented.

On the other hand, I only bought the very finest paper towels back home. And the paper towels here suh-diddly-uck.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: December 2, 2009, 7:03 pm

DG – Dear Gods, Izal!

For readers of a gentle persuasion, I ask you to kindly look away.

Izal was the only kind TP we had in this country until… I dunno, the 1960s, maybe? If you can imagine rough tracing paper (or mabe poor quality greaseproof) which has been sprayed with an astringent disinfectant well… that’s Izal.

Or ‘Bronco’. There was a similar product called Bronco. I ‘ve just remembered that and wished I hadn’t.

The strange thing is that Izal is still available. It seems that not only do we have people in these islands who enjoy being whipped, pierced with sharp metal objects, or having hot candle wax dripped onto their doo-dahs, but we also have an altogether weirder class of bleak perverts, for whom a raw, itchy ringpiece is a source of ecstasy.

Kill them.

As for the Weasel’s sundry and various libels, I shall simply say that, given the choice between wasting my money on expensive TP and stuff used to mop runnybabbit blood from the floors of Badger House, I prefer to send my money on my arse. Or ‘ass’, if you prefer.

The floor can go hang.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: December 2, 2009, 7:32 pm

UB: I have (tried the TP in Germany). Gak. I’d like to say the TP in (behind the Iron Curtain) Bulgaria was worse, but we carried our own when we ventured there.

Comment from lauraw
Time: December 3, 2009, 4:17 pm



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