Moby Dig
No, that’s not original. Readers of the Mid-Sussex Times were asked to name this stranded digger and Moby Dig narrowly edged Digger McDigface. The digger is supposed to operate partially submerged, but something’s gone wrong and they ain’t saying what, so there it sits.
They’re using it to build a windfarm off Worthing Beach, so it can rot for all I care.
Locals must love this story, though, because the Times is asking if they’d be willing to vote for Moby Dig for MP. I hope they do, because fuck politics is why.
This is a very politically clever thing Theresa May has done, calling for a snap election. At the moment, the Tories are at a historic high (polling around 50%), Ukip is having an identity crisis, the LibDems are in disarray, and Labour is polling at an exceedingly weak 17% or so. Her party is sure to do well, and she will use this as evidence of a mandate on Brexit.
But what sort of Brexit are we looking at? Ay, there’s the rub.
April 18, 2017 — 8:09 pm
Comments: 11
To the moon!
Four random thoughts on this story:
Dear feminists: ‘the patriarchy’ is also where chivalry comes from. You get both, or neither.
In a Nazis-versus-hippies street fight, do you really wonder which side will win?
Before you Google this chick, be aware that she has nudes on a porn fetish site for hairy hoo-hoos.
Rumor has it Leftist Facebook thinks she deserved to get punched for having dreadlocks (‘cultural appropriation’ don’tcha know).
My Easter holiday was fantastic, thanks for asking. Do I really have to get up in the morning?
April 17, 2017 — 8:44 pm
Comments: 50
Tinklegate
A long-time activist against Trump’s golf course in Scotland (courses, actually. He apparently has several), walked across the green, dropped trou and took a whiz. She says she got caught short and hid discreetly in the dunes, but was filmed doing it by three men including the groundskeeper. The latter, having every right to think some kind of crime was happening before him, called the cops. Money quote:
She added she was “shocked” to be told by police she had been filmed, leaving her “slightly paranoid” about urinating outside.
Dear Scottish woman: I would like you to be very paranoid about peeing outside. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t pee outside at all. Thanks.
She sued him because the course was not registered with the Information Officer. Yes, that’s a thing. You have to do it if your business takes pictures of the public. I had to register our little historical society because we have CCTV.
Trump could have found the £3,000 she sought in the folds of his cardigan — I’m sure he does laps in his money pool like Scrooge McDuck — but then the next publicity-hungry activist would probably have taken a poo in the clubhouse. Oh, and she lost.
I’m not sure why the opposition is not getting it. If they keep REEEEing at every little thing Trump does, but the time he makes a serious error (and, let’s face it, the chances of that are non-zero), nobody will be listening. Age of wonders, folks.
April 5, 2017 — 8:58 pm
Comments: 5
#HWNDU – a play in four acts
Oh dear lord I enjoyed that! Did you enjoy that? I’m quite sure you groovy dudes have been following this thing as closely as I have, but I could do with a recap, as I find the timeline confusing. Herewith:
He Will Not Divide Us was a performance art project dreamed up by child actor Shia Labeouf and professional dim bulb Jaden Smith (who disappeared from the drama quickly). It was launched on Inauguration Day, January 20, 2017 and intended to run the full four (sic) years of Trump’s presidency. It was a camera mounted outside the Museum of the Moving Image in Queens, New York, into which the general public was invited to stand and chant “he will not divide us” in a not at all creepy and stupid way. This was streamed to the internet live.
General public. Streamed to the internet live, 24/7. What could possibly go wrong?
ACT ONE: New York. And while some people stood in front of the camera performed as expected, the stream almost immediately went to shit. Messages featured a rich assortment of goombahs, hoodrats, generic white males, garden variety trolls and — critically, it would turn out — merry pranksters from 4chan’s /pol/. The stream had an audience and some people got internet famous.
Shia lost his nut, and by Day 6 had been arrested for assaulting a participant (ironically, someone on his side). Day 8, the NYPD erected a wall (I ’bout died of irony poisoning) — one of those crowd barrier things — and Museum staff let people trickle through and say their lines. By February 10, the Museum had had enough and shut it down. Total elapsed time: 21 days.
ACT TWO: New Mexico. Eight days later, it pops up in New Mexico at the El Rey Theater in Albuquerque, along a busy urban street. This time, the performance instantly went to shit. It was taken down again February 23rd after shots were fired in the area. Total elapsed time: 6 days.
ACT THREE: Tennessee. On March 8th, the project was ‘back’ at an ‘undisclosed location.’ This time it had morphed into something entirely different: a livestream of a flag that read HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US. The camera pointed up to the flag in an empty sky.
In less than 48 hours, /pol/ had traced it to a farm in Tennessee. Legend has it, they analyzed times of day, weather patterns, star maps and flight paths, then drove around the general area honking car horns and listening for them on the stream. In truth, they really did those things, but they had a huge leg-up when a fan spotted Labeouf in a diner in Greenville, TN and posted a selfie with him. On March 9, the flag was spotted IRL. Our heroes stole the flag and replaced it with a Pepe shirt and a MAGA hat. Total elapsed time: 2 days.
It gets muddled after that. There were reports of drones flying in the area and somebody accidentally setting fire to a field with a roman candle. There’s a blurry picture said to be a drone shot of Shia guarding the empty flagpole at night armed with a baseball bat. Local police eventually got tired of his calls (!) and shut it down, though what ‘it’ was by that time, who could say?
ACT FOUR: Liverpool. Liverpool? “Events have shown that America is simply not safe enough for this artwork to exist” said Labeouf. Pff! He thinks we don’t have autists in England? The flag was located on the rooftop of FACT UK (Foundation for Art and Creative Technology), a five-story building in downtown Liverpool. I have to wonder if anyone warned FACT what was headed their way. Everyone watched the stream and held their breath.
In just over a day — this afternoon — the explorers reached the flag via the building next door. They found it heavily zip-tied to the pole, took some pictures with it and made their escape, but it was only a matter of time.
On police advice, FACT and LaBeouf, Rönkkö & Turner have removed the installation HEWILLNOTDIVIDE.US due to dangerous, illegal trespassing.
Mar. 23, 2017
Total elapsed time: 1 day and a bit.
Is it over? Probably. I hope not. I can’t see anyone willing to host it in a public space. I wonder if Elon Musk would take it up in his rocket ship? And if we would survive what /pol/ did next?
March 23, 2017 — 8:08 pm
Comments: 26
I can’t do this any more
I have a separate Twitter account just to watch lefties. I have this carefully curated follow list of the most egregious SJWs I could find. It’s always good for a laugh.
WAS always good for a laugh. This is The Week Twitter Stopped Being Funny. The amount of howling crazy out there is terrifying.
Clinically dangerous levels of crazy. I can’t take it. I’m shutting down social media for a while.
Not that this will entirely protect me. I’ve met a few deranged buggers in real life, too.
You?
January 30, 2017 — 10:18 pm
Comments: 20
Over the hills and far away
I have no idea what will come, but today my friends are smiling and my enemies are glum. It beats the alternative.
Good weekend, everyone!
January 20, 2017 — 9:38 pm
Comments: 28
This guy.
Cartoonist I just discovered. Actually, I liked this panel best. It’s arty. Doesn’t work well small and in black and white, though.
I don’t know much about this guy. He’s British, probably. He’s a libertarian, I think. He got into a Twitter duel with @notch (the guy who sold Minecraft to Microsoft for $1B) and briefly drove him off the internet.
You know, I was going to post a disclaimer about how I didn’t agree with him on everything. Then I realized it was a pure conditioned response because some of his comics are about race. I wouldn’t feel moved to disavow him if we disagreed about economics or feminism or history. Just race. And that made me angry, so I didn’t.
Happy MLK Day!
January 16, 2017 — 6:57 pm
Comments: 10
This one’s for Onkle Bee
This is Amber Rudd, our current Home Secretary and MP for nearby Hastings and Rye, getting her heel stuck in the sidewalk while waving to reporters. One of Cameron’s Cuties.
It would be a bit of self-aggrandizing to say we’ve had dealings with her, but we’ve kind of had dealings with her and she’s not Uncle B’s favorite person.
I have a confession to make: I made it all the way through this presidential election without listening to a Donald Trump press conference, other than stray clips.
But I simply could not pass up the opportunity to hear for my own self how he describes Buzzfeed as “a failing pile of garbage” and the BBC (THE BBC!) “BBC? That’s another beauty.” I expected him to be pretty cringey. I was wrong.
It was glorious.
Here’s the C-span straight version, untouched by the hands of fake news.
Himself talks from 6:49 to 24:52, then there’s this boring lady for fifteen minutes, then him again from 39:45 to 1:02. The media bits are in the second sequence. He sucks up to the NY Times a lot for being good boys and not running the bogus story (classic behavior modification) and refuses a question from CNN because they’re “fake news.”
Go on, treat yourself.
January 11, 2017 — 8:54 pm
Comments: 14
…I found her little footprints in the snow…
Ummmm…the Imgur pics, the Reddit thread. Hey, all the serious journalists get their stories browsing Reddit, neh?
I’m using Uncle B’s new bread machine to make pizza dough. You may recall that I was once a Pizza Professional. Poncey Sicilian pizza restaurant in the early Eighties — the kind that pioneered vegetarian pizzas with brocolli and carrots. That sort of thing.
The raisins, they puffed up like engorged ticks.
But we made really good meat lover’s pizzas, too.
The only component we didn’t make in-house was the dough; we bought it raw from a local bakery and kept it frozen. We then thawed, shaped and baked the pizza bases in-house. I was upset when I discovered they don’t sell raw bread dough in the UK. Dunno why.
Anyway, this thing has a 45-minute pizza dough cycle that makes what seems exactly like what I used to work with. We shall see. It’s proofing now.
Bonus: according to sources, kids these days call pizza “za”. I have never heard anyone say “za” — except me, obviously — but that little two-letter word has gotten me out of several tight Scrabble dilemmas. You’re welcome.
January 10, 2017 — 10:12 pm
Comments: 23
The news is very silly
I love this old picture so much. And I love watching Obama commit all sorts of counterproductive, futile and petulant bullshit on his way out. There’s a reason presidents traditionally lay low for their last couple of months, chum.
I was supposed to go to work this morning. The alarm went off and I just stared at it a while and went back to sleep. I am blessed to have that kind of job.
Back here tomorrow for the Dead Pool, and 2016’s last few thrilling hours!
December 29, 2016 — 9:49 pm
Comments: 12