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Okay, kids — Grandma’s #ready!

Thanks to Wolfus Aurelius for the idea. And thanks to Some Vegetable for “Hillary is the Bob Dole of the Democratic Party!”

Have a good weekend!

March 27, 2015 — 10:11 pm
Comments: 11

Trying to be helpful

You must have seen this today: the words journalists aren’t allowed to use when talking about Hillary. On account of they are sexist or something. This per an unofficial group of Hillary supporters, who may or may not by now realize what a shit-awful mistake it was.

The words are: polarizing, calculating, disingenuous, insincere, ambitious, inevitable, entitled, over confident, secretive, “will do anything to win”, “represents the past”, “out of touch”.

Could they have offered a more obvious list of what they see as their candidate’s most glaring weaknesses? Jesus, people are stupid.

But not us. We’re smart. And helpful. I’ll be we can come up with a lot lot more words and phrases journalists need to eschew when describing Hillary. I’ll start.

Castrating bitch. Butch. Crusty pantsuit. Cankles. Dessicated hag. Lying piece of shit. Harpy. Hambeast. Shrew. Battleaxe.

C’mon — it’s fun!

p.s. Soon as she throws that tattered hat in the ring, I’m'onna try again to make one of my Hillary! posters go viral. This is my hour. I can feel it!

March 26, 2015 — 11:06 pm
Comments: 21

Okay, tell me THIS isn’t an improvement

Looks good on her. She’s got kind of an elderly Jesus thing going.

March 24, 2015 — 9:20 pm
Comments: 16

Welp, here we go

So, first hat in the ring, and it’s a sombrero. Bad-dum-tssss.

I like Ted Cruz. I really do. I think. From what I know. But I just cannot deal with his face. It just ain’t right.

And if you think that’s incredibly shallow and foolish of me, just think how not shallow and foolish I am compared to huge swathes of America.

Facial hair. It’s the only answer.

Yeah, I know I’ve posted this before. I realized that. What I didn’t realize was that I’d used the exact same starting photo. This isn’t a repost. I’ve done the same stupid Photoshop twice.

March 23, 2015 — 9:46 pm
Comments: 28

Oh, grandma!

In the previous thread, geoff axed for a P’shop of Hillary and the iconic phone. Happy to oblige, but I couldn’t come up with anything better than riffing on her pretend inability to comprehend the cellphone. I’ve got all the bits and pieces still open, if you can think of a better take.

Seriously, did they believe this one would fly? Like, “c’mon, honey — you know grandma can’t operate simple modern gadgets. But you still want her for President of the United States in 2016, right?”

Some of these errors are so awful and unforced, you have to wonder what the Clintons are playing at. Whether they know she can’t win, but they’ve decided to swing the big Clinton dick around and ruin 2016 for their party, because…fuck you, we’re the Clintons.

I can honestly see that bunch of sociopaths doing that.

Oh, here you go, Deborah — my big color Hillary! 2016 poster, the little black and white witchy one, plus some assorted Hillary ‘shops.

March 11, 2015 — 9:18 pm
Comments: 34

Meh-eh-eh-eh

Browsing the news tonight, I was struck by how much Debbie Wasserman Schultz resembles the goat from yesterday’s post (note: may have been slightly ‘shopped to emphasize goatiness). Ordinarily, I might feel bad that Debbie Wasserman Schultz looks like a goat, but she’s a really horrible person. So, actually, on the whole, I feel pretty good that Debbie Wasserman Schultz looks like a goat.

This afternoon, Uncle B and I were discussing a woman we know who has a really tragic case of resting bitchface. Also, she’s unpleasant. But we were debating whether she’s really unpleasant, or whether bitchface makes her seem unpleasant, or whether walking around with tragic bitchface has made her actually become unpleasant.

We’re philosophical like that.

So I told him the story of this guy I knew when I was a wee slip of a weasel. He was a good-looking guy, in a cute boy-next-door way. He was a little dim, with a sunny, outgoing personality. A pleasant guy to be around.

Then he smashed himself up in a car accident. They put him back together, but he totally looked like a thing that had been put back together. Hollow cheeks, mad staring eyes. In a word, creepy.

But did he really become creepy after that? He seemed to. Or was he the same sunny, happy guy in a creepy shell? Or did the stigma of living with a creepy face make him creepy? It’s so hard to see past basic biology.

Still, we have the whole weekend to figure it out.

February 20, 2015 — 9:23 pm
Comments: 32

hoo boy

So, Isis put that Jordanian pilot in a cage, poured gas on him and burned him alive with a good quality camera rolling?

Link goes to Breitbart London. There’s one still image showing a man standing in a cage with fire to his knees; nothing too traumatizing if you don’t think about it too much. I would recommend not following their outlinks to the actual video. Not that I’ve done it, but there are some images I’ve put it my head that I would really rather I hadn’t. Stupid internet.

These are people who attract new recruits with beheading videos. They’re looking for people who think “say, that’s for me!” when they watch a film of someone’s head being sawn off slowly.

Yeah, it’s not one clean whack with a sword. That’s one of those pictures I wish I hadn’t put in my head.

So, let’s face it: we’re looking at a bunch of guys who would be freelance serial killers if this whole ISIS thing hadn’t come along for them. Not that I’m letting Islam off the hook — it’s clearly a religion that lends itself to militancy — but it’s pretty obvious they are working to gather an army of perverts and sick fucks.

It seems pretty unlikely we’re going to go in and kill them all. But can we at least keep them bottled up over there until they start killing each other?

February 3, 2015 — 9:22 pm
Comments: 13

A small thing, but interesting

There was a demonstration in Dover today. A group turned out to support the truck drivers who have the extremely unfun job trying to move goods from Calais to Dover without arriving covered in illegal immigrants, like a mama ‘possum.

The group protesting illegal immigrants is described as “far right” for no obvious reason except they always are described that way. The counter protesters who turned up are always described as “anti fascist” — which is the way they choose to describe themselves. If those twits get to self describe, shouldn’t the ‘far right’ people get to do the same? They’d probably rather be described as patriots or something, don’t you think?

Unite Against Fascism (UAF) are a buncha Occupy-style peripatetic thugs, by the way. It looks like they outnumbered the righties, and it looks like the cops outnumbered them both. So this was not a big deal. A little deal. An interesting little deal that shows some of the cracks forming in our multicultural society.

The report speaks blandly of “arrests”. Eyewitnesses (scroll down to the comments) said all the violence and all the arrests were from the UAF types. Also note the way the votes are going on the comments.

Anyone can vote, by the way. You don’t have to register. Go on, try it! It’s fun!

January 26, 2015 — 10:42 pm
Comments: 16

A masterful troll

Oh, well played, Rupert Murdoch’s Sun. Well played.

To be fair, they didn’t actually say they were shutting down Page 3, but they strongly suggested such. Then they went all modest (if underthings and bikinis can be called modest) for a couple of days. And now, the titties are back! (Link does not go to titties. Link goes to a Telegraph sister getting her knickers in a twist. I told you the Telegraph had gone downhill).

It’s been dee-lightful to watch this play out all day.

First the howling shrews of the Perpetually Offended Brigade were all like WE WON! And then they were all like, we won, I guess, but it doesn’t feel that satisfying, really. And now they’re all like WTF! WE DIDN’T WIN!?

The sweetest part? Today’s titties ran under the headline CLARIFICATIONS AND CORRECTIONS. I wouldn’t have realized this if Uncle B hadn’t told me: that’s the header from the ultra-lefty Guardian‘s correction column.

Sweet troll.

January 22, 2015 — 9:45 pm
Comments: 21

There they are!

The picture that ran with the news article I read about the SotU showed and over-the-shoulder shot of Obama apparently reading his speech from a notebook. In a panic, I flipped through news photos until I found one showing his teleprompters, safe and sound. Whew!

I wonder if he has names for them. Gumby and Pokey. Mulder and Scully. Lefty and Other Lefty.

No, I didn’t watch. I couldn’t. And not just because I can’t bear the sound of Obama’s droning mediocrity.

The State of the Union speech has been a humiliating spectacle for decades. I held my breath for Poppy Bush (he used to trip over his words a bit, remember?). Bill Clinton was the biggest gasbag in history. Gee, that guy could go on. Remember his farewell speech? Hours and hours. He was still talking when they bundled him into a car. W wasn’t as awful as he might have been, but I still held my breath for flubs.

But that’s not it. It’s the whole spectacle of the thing. I actually hate the SotU more when ‘our’ guys are in power, because their behavior reflects on me even a little tiny bit. All that jumping up every twenty seconds, every time your guy says anything at all, barking and clapping like a troupe of trained seals. And the other guys sit and sulk unless The Guy says something so patriotic they kinda have to join in.

Awful. Just awful.

The speech is a big useless pile of applause lines and huge laundry list of junk that is never, ever going to happen and everybody knows it. Nobody even pretends to take it seriously. It has long since outlived its grownup purpose.

Can we kill it, please?

January 21, 2015 — 9:13 pm
Comments: 14