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This was Bill Paying Weekend, a monthly trauma I endure under the soothing alfluence of incohol. I have the money to settle my accounts these days, but I still dread this ordeal…sorting through a month’s worth of special offers from credit card companies cleverly designed to look like overdue notices so I’ll open them for sure (thus pissing me off so thoroughly they’d have to be Pretty Damn Special offers before I’d take a second look) and all the other irritations and stupidities that fall through my mail slot in thirty days.

Like this thing. This is a thirty page questionnaire from the Census Bureau. Why am I getting a questionnaire from the Census Bureau in 2007? Presumably because I blew them off in 2000.

I know, I know…I’m a Constitution-humping ‘winger and the Constitution says the government must do a census every ten years. I wouldn’t mind being a part of a head count. But I got the long form in 2000, too. Remember that? Some people got the usual few questions, and a random selection got a thirty page beast that asks nosey junque about years of schooling and income and how long my commute is and a bunch of other nunya bidness stuff. Oh, and about twenty different precise choices for race, of course. I’m an Eskimo princess, fuck off.

I wouldn’t, perhaps, be quite so set against it, if it weren’t marked “YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW.” And inside there’s this “title blah-blah-blah of the US Code, section blah-blah-blah, imposes a penalty for not responding.” Without, of course, mentioning what that penalty is.

OH! Threaten me? They can smooch silky weasel ass. I ain’t doing it. I assume the penalty is a fine, but you guys’ll visit me in the pen if I guess wrong, mmm?

Then I get four more pages of nosiness from Blue Cross. Do I smoke? Did my doctor tell me that’s bad? Naw, I gave up cigarettes so I could afford more heroin. Jesus.

So it was like a breath of warm Spring sunshine to get this in the mail. It’s NRA sweepstakes time again. I love the cheerful, breathless way the NRA flat-out fails to comprehend it’s supposed to be ashamed of itself. Guns, guns and more guns! Get one for grandma!

Though I prefer the one where they give you a page of stickers with photos of guns, and you have to peel off ten of your favorites and stick them on the Grand Prize page so they know what to send you when you win. I can spend a happy hour working out the logistics of that, maximizing the flexibility of my arsenal but minimizing the different kinds of ammo I’d have to keep in stock. Plus, colorful stickers!

Ooo! Mustn’t forget a shotgun for Grandma!


Comment from iamfelix
Time: March 12, 2007, 11:37 am

I assume the penalty is a fine, but you guys’ll visit me in the pen if I guess wrong, mmm?

I’ll do better than that: I’ll bring you a cake with a file in it. Or the carcass of some non-domesticated prey with a file in it, if you prefer. I hope you like rabbit, as the size of file I could hide in a vole would not be much help, I fear.

Comment from Alissa
Time: March 12, 2007, 1:05 pm

Oh noooo

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 12, 2007, 3:39 pm

I’ll sue you, and when you are brought into court you can make good your escape whilst I distract the courtroom with attorney jokes.

Comment from Sarah D.
Time: March 12, 2007, 4:36 pm

I didn’t get that from the NRA. What’s going on???

Comment from vkaryl
Time: March 14, 2007, 7:44 pm

Huh. We’ve had the long form ever since we moved up here from Vegas. I haven’t filled one out yet. Y’know what? We never got censused all the years we lived in Vegas.

Gosh, would that that meant the gov’mint did NOT know jack about us….

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