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Do it! DO EET!

nramembership

Dunno if you saw over the weekend, Warden from AoSHQ was banging the drum for the NRA. Point being, joining the NRA is the best possible rebuke to the gun-grabbing instincts of our bugfuck crazy lords and masters.

I first joined the NRA in 1999, after the Columbine High School massacre. Yup, they tried to pin that one on the NRA, too. I didn’t know much about the NRA at the time, but I knew that was totally unfair.

And it was. Have you ever been to an NRA gathering? Nicest bunch of sweet old men you could meet. The kind of guys whose other memberships are the Shriners and the company bowling team.

Not a homicidal maniac in the bunch.

Membership has some unexpected benefits. Like, the best damn t-shirts I’ve ever owned, no lie. Good designs and sturdy as heck. Mine are just beginning to wear out after a decade and a half of hard service. Plus, if you wear an NRA t-shirt and scruffy jeans into Whole Foods, you can blend in beautifully for a while…and then enjoy the klunking sound when your slogan finally registers on hippiebrain.

And the postman who delivers an NRA mag to your house every month is a polite postman.

I had planned to buy myself a life membership on my way out of the States, but then the bottom fell out of the property market and I barely made the move by the (financial) skin of my teeth. I really wanted that jacket! I’ve since totally let my membership lapse (if you want the magazine, it’s an extra $10 over and above for ferriners).

Perhaps I’ll grab an associate membership, just to show willing! I wonder if they saved my old member number?

December 7, 2015 — 9:22 pm
Comments: 28

What a time to be alive!

justcause3

Calooh! Callay! Just Cause 3 was released today!

The (wafer thin) plot to the Just Cause games goes like this: you’re CIA agent Rico Rodriguez. You are dropped on a tropical island ruled by a tinpot dictator. You will best serve the cause of Great Justice by fucking up as much shit as humanly possible. You have a powerful wrist-mounted grappling device (like unto Spidey’s web spinners), a flying suit, a parachute and the ability to hijack any vehicle on the island, including jets and helicopters.

The only change from game to game: it gets bigger and prettier. This one is on an island chain of over a thousand square kilometers, with downright cinematic go-booms, flying sequences and — I shit you not — car chases through fields of sunflowers and lavender. Watch the trailer!

You know, you guys, computer games are the one area of popular culture where our team has prevailed. Big time. Rough justice, x-treme individualism, and lots and lots of lovely boom sticks and explosions. No kid who grows up playing this stuff will ever vote for gun control.

December 1, 2015 — 9:49 pm
Comments: 3

…cat pictures…cat pictures…

jack

Oh, no. Oh no no no. White boy shoots up black folks in historic black church…that’s not one for this blog. It was a monstrous atrocity, I hope justice is swift and complete (SC has the death penalty) and let’s move things back into my comfort zone.

Fart jokes and cat pictures.

Uncle B took this one. I was going to call it a cute cat picture, but Jack’s eyes aren’t really focused and he has that sinister smile. I don’t trust this look.

Today is the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo. The French have their culottes in a twist; they were hoping everyone would just let it pass, but Britain is making plenty of WOOHOO! about it. Belgium has even made a commemorative coin, which isn’t going down so great.

And finally, catnip has won the Dead Pool with Kirk Kerkorian. She tried to take it back when it turned out the timestamps of her choosing and his becoming a good choice were awfully close, but I insisted.

But no good deed goes unpunished, and awarding catnip the dick shut out Pupster, whose pick — Jeralean Talley, world’s oldest living woman until Wednesday night — has now shuffled off. I may have to offer Pups a Consolation Dick over that one.

It’s like city buses. We go months without a dead celebrity…

Anyway. That means a short round and a new Dead Pool tomorrow. Be here. Six WBT. DEAD POOL ROUND 75.

June 18, 2015 — 10:38 pm
Comments: 18

Okay, this is just dumb

Why are we even talking about what’s in Feinstein’s stupid bill? She doesn’t have the votes to get it out of the Senate alive. Not a hope in hell to get it through Congress. Everybody’s just flapping gums.

So, what’s going on here? I can think of a couple of good political reasons to promote a pointlessly doomed bill.

One, if it really were very popular with the electorate. If We the Pooples really wanted this thing and the legislature shot it down, she could score some points headed toward the mid-Term. But we don’t. Every single article about gun control these days calls it the “powerful gun lobby” — that’s another way of saying “popular gun lobby.” And everybody knows it.

Two, she hopes to bring it to a vote so the vulnerable Democrats from gun-loving states can score points by voting it down. But, damn, that’s a dangerous game — remind everyone that the Democrat Party is the party of thur commin’ fur ar guns.

I’ve got a feeling, none of the above. It’s just political puppet theater, like a grinning Nancy Pelosi strolling through an enraged crowd with a giant clown-hammer after passing Obamacare. It’s like they hate Red State America so much, they can’t help giving us the middle finger every chance they get. Even if it costs them dearly.

So, an assist for the good guys, I guess. Thanks, Dianne. Roll on, 2014!

January 24, 2013 — 9:31 pm
Comments: 31

Dear Lefties…

Dear Gun Grabbers;

I won’t lie to you. We’re really pissed off about these new gun control proposals.

We’re pissed off because all of the proposed regulations are stupid, meaningless hurdles we’ll have to jump through. They’ll barely slow us down. They seem designed to piss us off and nothing more. They make absolutely NO meaningful change in the American gun trade. And it looks like most of it won’t even pass into law.

Take that “assault weapon” ban. Real, military-style assault weapons are already off-limits to ordinary citizens. Honest. So, last time, Congress had to come up with a list of characteristic that make a civilian weapon an “assault weapon.” Nearly all of them (like the example above from New York’s new, hastily slung together law) are purely cosmetic. They make guns look scary, but they don’t actually make guns deadlier.

I know. It’s hard to believe Congress would make such a big effing deal over stuff this idiotic, but I swear it’s true. You can look it up.

Or that thing with the high-capacity magazines. Some other time, we can discuss whether they’re dangerous. But, for now, did you know the “ban” only covered making new ones? All the old ones were still out there, still legal to own, still legal to sell, still on the shelves. We have gazillions of the things lying around. So anyone who wanted one could get one, no probs. Oh, and the same applied to “assault weapons.”

It wasn’t so much a ban as a making-things-somewhat-more-expensive-and-desirable.

So the upshot is, simply because we had this little national conversation about gun control this month, tens of thousands millions of new guns (and the ammunition to go with) have been bought and stockpiled. The NRA picked up a quarter of a million new members so far. Gun owners feel insulted and picked on. We’re madder and less willing to negotiate than ever, because we’re convinced that the whole idea of gun control has devolved into a bunch of petty bullshit reindeer games. We will put NOTHING on the table willingly in future.

And, in return, all you’re likely to get is that weak sauce executive order about CDC studies and gun lock standards.

I know why we’re mad. Why the hell aren’t you?

Sincerely,
Gun Nuts

January 17, 2013 — 11:08 pm
Comments: 38

Oooo…you guys’re making maniac outta me…!

No, not YOU guys. I mean, the guys weighing in on the gun control who speak in hushed tones of semi-automatics. People who ought to know better. Even people who claim to be pro-gun.

It’s such a simple, easy-to-grasp point that, I submit to you, anyone talking about the issue of gun control without demonstrating that they know what a semi-automatic is should be automatically disqualified. You’re either trying to put one over on people, or you’re too ignorant to count.

Go. Sit in the corner.

In the world of handguns, there are some strange, one-of-a-kind beasties primarily used for target shooting, but those specialist dealies aside, the following is true:

A semi-automatic handgun is most of them.

The other word for semi-automatic handgun is pistol.

A semi-automatic handgun is every handgun that is not a revolver. You know, not a wheelgun. Not a cowboy gun. If it would look stupid in a cowboy movie (but not a spy movie), it’s a semi-automatic.

smallest semi-auto every commercially manufactured

In fact, technically, a double-action revolver is a semi-automatic. Because after you pull the trigger, it gets the next round ready to go. Which is all that semi-automatic means: it gets the next round ready to go. You still have to pull the trigger again. You pull the trigger once for every round fired, m’kay? You just don’t have to cock it every time.

That’s what semi-automatic means: you don’t have to cock it again by hand after you fire the first shot.

A semi-automatic is not an automatic. It is not a machine gun. You don’t mash the trigger and a bunch of bullets fly out. It doesn’t fire bigger bullets. It doesn’t fire more powerful bullets. It doesn’t hold more bullets.

A semi-auto is dangerous. That’s its job. But if you’re talking about banning them, you’re talking about a nation-wide gun confiscation.

Okay?

January 16, 2013 — 12:13 am
Comments: 38

Say, why not join the NRA?

I joined the NRA in 1999, after the Columbine massacre. As usual, the press did a hatchet job on them after the atrocity and, as usual, it caused an unprecedented rise in NRA membership. And, with it, an unprecedented jump in the NRA’s money, power and influence. If I were a paranoid weasel, that would smell all hmmmmm.

Still, on planet reality, the NRA is about as sinister an organization as your Uncle Fred’s bowling league.

Anyway, the best benefit of the NRA: merchandise with the NRA logo on it. They sell especially good t-shirts — high quality Fruit of the Loom shirts, good designs, sturdy silk-screening. Wear an NRA shirt with a pair of grubby jeans and sneakers, and you can wander around Whole Foods for ages before somebody actually reads your shirt and get the rage-face. You can actually see the moment the NRA shirt registers on the liberal brain. It almost makes a little sound, like poink.

And you get these awesome mailings a couple of times a year, with their gun giveaway sweepstakes. Its their main fundraising gimmick. It’s like the Publisher’s Clearing House thing, with the little stickers where you get to pick your prizes. Uncle B and I spent a merry time playing, “okay, you can have the Glock if I can have the S&W.” I loved those mailings; they’re refreshingly unashamed. They have colorful pictures of guns all over the envelope, with text like “GUNS GUNS GUNS GUNS GUNS AND MORE GUNS!!!’lebenty!!!”

The downside is, at least once a week, Wayne LaPierre’s hair catches fire, and then you get these mailings that go, “oh my god! They’re coming! They’re coming for our guns! No, seriously! Right now! Give me ten bucks RIGHT THIS MINUTE!” Way too many fundraising letters.

Also, there are many who think the NRA is insufficiently protective of gun rights (I know. Try explaining this to a lefty. It’s like trying to explain that George Bush wasn’t a conservative). Me, I think the name recognition alone makes them worth belonging to, but if you don’t agree, there’s always Gun Owners of America.

Or my most favoritest — Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership. Now, these guys are serious. They’re the ones that got in trouble for trying to buy “trigger locks — rapist approved” billboards. Their newsletter is a hoot.

The very name Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership is a tidy ’nuff said argument against gun control. It’s kind of an argument-ender all by itself. Without firing a shot, as it were.

I’ve let all those memberships lapse. I was hoping to make enough on the sale of my house to buy a lifetime membership in the NRA on my way out, but the housing market collapsed (you may recall, ahem) and I barely got away with pocket money.

Anyway, I think the mailings were making my postman uncomfortable.

January 14, 2013 — 11:57 pm
Comments: 28

The League of Duck-Slaying Moonbats

American Hunters and Shooters Association

Well! Who would ever have thought? The American Hunters and Shooters Association has endorsed Barack Obama.

Who they? you may ask. Ignoring your appalling grammar for the moment, the AHSA is a flakey-fakey “gun-rights” organization set up solely to endorse far left entities like Barack Obama so all you beery gun-humping rednecks will think he’s a bit of okay.

It was founded in 2005 by Ray Schoenke, a Kos diarist who, in fairness, really does shoot ducks, apparently. At least, most of his conversations seem to take place in a duck blind. Schoenke has pissed away thousands on Handgun Control, Inc., Americans Coming Together and a dozen of the sleazeballingest Democrats ever to run for public office. So when Schoenke says “nonpartisan” you can be sure he’s just said a word that has four syllables.

The AHSA domain was originally registered to DCS, a Democrat new media operation, but they must have realized that didn’t look good.

Also not looking so good? Having John Rosenthal, once Chairman of the Massachusetts gun-grabbers Stop Handgun Violence, on the board. Under the bus with you, sir! Or, as they put it, “we acknowledge that his active involvement with certain gun control organizations made it very difficult for Mr. Rosenthal to subscribe to and support our policies that at times could be inconsistent with those of a pro-gun hunting and shooting organization.” I haven’t diagrammed a sentence in a real long time, but I’m pretty sure that one is accidentally WAY closer to the truth than they intended.

Their web site reads like somebody sat down of an afternoon and thought, “okay, but what if I really did like guns? What would that sound like?” Or as David Petzel of Field and Stream put it, “Mostly, their position statements are vapid, along the lines of ‘Don’t push old ladies into moving traffic. Don’t set stray dogs on fire.'”

In fact, the web site appears to be all there is to the AHSA. That, and press releases. And it’s working…kind of. US Snooze briefly reported the endorsement with a straight face. The Washington Post did a bit on them, too. I loved this part:

As proof of his gun-toting credentials, Schoenke says he likes nothing better than heading to Maryland’s Eastern Shore and shooting a duck, then cleaning it, cooking it and eating it. “I own guns,” he boasts. “I have guns everywhere.”

I have guns sticking out all over my body. When I open my mouth, guns fall out. On hot Summer days, guns ooze out of my pores. I shit guns, I swear to god. It’s hard to say which part of murdering a small fluffy animal I like best: the warm, slippery lifeblood pouring over my fingers, or the part where my teeth meet in its throat and the terrified thrashing and kicking get slower…slower…slower.

I love when lefties play pretend ‘winger: they’re so delightfully tone deaf.

Schoenke hopes this macho, carnivorous image will make pro-gun voters more open to accepting “common sense” limits on gun buying. Such changes can’t be so bad, he wants gunners to say, if fellow enthusiasts also support them.

Ch’mere! Ch’mere, rednecks! Gun! Pretty gun! No, no…lookit the gun! No, don’t look at the legislation, lookit the gun!

I’ve heard of these guys before, through the NRA (Schoenke has a massive hate-on for the NRA). Then Jonn of This Ain’t Hell posted about the Obama endorsement a couple of days ago. I went from there to Confederate Yankee to Say Uncle. Lots of stuff out there about them; there’s nothing new here. But it’s important to pile on. The AHSA exists solely to give pro-gun cred to anti-gunners.

That dog won’t hunt.

April 21, 2008 — 5:46 am
Comments: 61

Pathetic loser asshole who couldn’t get laid or keep a minimum wage job

pathetic loserHEL-LO! People! We have GOT to stop turning these jerkwads into rock stars.

This useless punk walked into a mall and murdered eight of his betters because he got a little taste of adulthood and he wasn’t up to it. He wasn’t man enough to live with it, either. So he took the one snap-your-fingers path to instant tabloid celebrity. Why, even a loser like him can do it!

He left a note that COULD NOT HAVE BEEN more explicit: “I’m going out in style” — “I’m going to be famous.” It worked, too. Congrats, d00d, you’re the snootch-flashing Paris Hilton of underachievers.

If you’re tired of this shit, we’re collectively going to need a lot less COMPASSION and a lot more RIDICULE. They aren’t troubled into it. Or bullied into it. Nothing “drives them” to do these things but an awareness of their own inadequacy and a desire to get a badass headshot at the top of the Drudge Report.

Losers, not monsters. This is a twenty year old man who couldn’t keep a fast food job or a girl friend. Monster is a huge promotion for this ass. Monsters are scary and powerful. They make movies about monsters. Pimply ex-fry-cooks…not so much.

It doesn’t matter for this dweeb — he did the future McDonald’s customers and mall cops of Omaha a favor and took himself out, too. Do it for the other losers. You know they’re out there. Show them your contempt for what this moron chose to do. We can’t keep making mass murder an attractive exit strategy for weenies.

And use simple language. Remember, they’re losers.

December 6, 2007 — 10:13 am
Comments: 19

Look, I’m a little sensitive about my snubby, okay?

Weasel's S&W 686 revolver

Whoa! What’re the odds? That’s Enas Yorl and his brand new Smith & Wesson 686 onscreen in the background there, me and mine in the foreground…turns out Mr Minority has one and McGoo has one, too.

This is my bedside cannon. My “holy shit, lady, you aren’t kidding!” piece. It is very big and shiny. It makes an extremely loud bang. I suspect it would make exceedingly large holes in bad guys, but happily I’ve never had to test this theory.

When I moved to Rhode Island, I arrived unarmed and stayed that way for twenty years. I knew the rules were more restrictive up here in Yanquiland and I figured buying a gun wasn’t worth the trouble.

But then I bought a house on a corner lot. Sound travels funny here. Somebody slams a car door, it sounds like bad guys moving around in the basement. One night, I found myself creeping down the stairs clutching a tack hammer like Conan the Ovarian, and I thought, “this is too stupid.”

Turns out, while it’s nearly impossible to get a concealed carry permit in Rhode Island, all you need is a “blue card” to buy a gun and keep it in your home. To earn your blue card, you need to pass a background check and a written exam.

I am now going to tell you how to pass the written exam. Ready? Here’s the secret: there is no condition under which any gun can ever be considered unloaded. None whatever. Just fired six rounds out of a six shooter? Still loaded. Just completely disassembled your pistol into its umpty-ump constituent parts? Still loaded. Crushed it flat with a backhoe? Loaded. Aliens blew our lovely blue earth to smithereens and just as your lungs collapse in the cold nothingness of outer space a molten glob of metal that might possibly once have been your favorite revolver sails past your ear into the void? Count on it, it’s loaded.

Yup. See, they took the old common-sense recommendation that it’s safest to regard every gun as loaded and morphed it into a nonsensical declaration that every gun really is loaded all the time. Put your hand on your heart and say something stupid, and we’ll give you that blue card.

I wonder how many rosy-necked sons of the soil were too proud to say something that dumb to earn their papers?

November 29, 2007 — 5:45 pm
Comments: 69