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Another internet myth, exploded

Oh, man…I don’t believe I forgot to tell you this story. It was damp on Christmas Eve, so I let the chickens into the kitchen while I made rolls. I threw a towel over an old chair, and they sat on it, burbling happily, while I kneaded dough.

And then one of them farted.

It wasn’t a prolonged, nuanced affair, but it was a definite blaart. And no, it wasn’t a poop that coincidentally made a noise. This is significant, because the topic has come up on this blog before. You’ll get over a million and a half returns on the Google query “do chickens fart?”

(My favorite is from Google Answers. The question was “Do chickens Fart? if so can you light the fart on fire?” And the answer voted #1 is “your father doesn’t beat you enough.”)

Anyhoo, the definitive answer is NO, chickens do not fart. The site Farting Chickens put the question to 22 professors and got a bunch of blah-blah-blah about incompletely digested carbohydrates and short colons and…well. No, they cried. Chickens do not fart!

Well, Poindexters, there were only the five of us in that room, and SOMEbody cut the cheese. Let rip. Played the butt trumpet. Fired a retro rocket. Popped a fluffy. Stepped on a duck. Baked an ass biscuit. Fill in your favorite euphemism.

I didn’t see who, but my money is on Mapp. She’s the Eric Cartman of chickens.

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 29, 2011, 10:42 pm

You let your chickens inside?
Are you from Kazakhstan like Borat?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:03 pm

I’d let them in the livingroom if I felt like screwing around with chicken diapers.

At least I’d have someone to blame when I farted.

 


Comment from harrison
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:04 pm

Oceania, why do you hate chickens?

 


Comment from Mysterion
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:18 pm

Were the chickens in the bread pan pickin’ out dough? Because that might have some significance to this story.

 


Comment from Redd
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:45 pm

Tooted. You forgot somebody tooted, made a toot, who tooted, etc.

 


Comment from Redd
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:46 pm

What if a chicken swallowed a bunch of air? Couldn’t that express itself as a fart? Unless they burped. Do chickens burp?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:48 pm

THANK you, Redd. We got five messages in before somebody offered his own fart euphemism.

The men who say chickens don’t fart also say they don’t cough. I can tell you that they sneeze. Violet has been a sneezy chicken from the day we brought her home. But burp? I dunno.

 


Comment from Redd
Time: December 29, 2011, 11:54 pm

Your birds have such beautiful plumage. I’m surprised the English don’t use them in all those silly hats they are so fond of. Do chicken tail feathers stand up well compared to the other types of feathers they use in hats? Can you cut a quill pen from a chicken tail feather? Do the tail feathers molt?

 


Comment from Anonymous
Time: December 30, 2011, 12:04 am

SOOOOO, you had a FOWL Butt Dusting in your kitchen……

Retro-Rocket made me want to break out into a chorus of “Major Tom”, and Butt Trumpet sounds like Drunk Dixieland jazz…..

Oh, REDD…. If you want a whole weird take on the term TOOT, go Google the term General Toot-Toot Minimus. He’s a rather hilarious character in the Dresden Files novels.

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 12:07 am

Chickens?

I don’t hate chickens, as they remind me of the historical origins of Eukaryotic life. In fact, we study chickens embryoes intently.
They are fantastic incubators for analysing viral pathogenesis. After all, when you aim to reduce the worlds population, which comes first? The Chicken or the Influenza?

🙂

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 12:49 am

Man, it’s gonna take a while to get used to re-entering my data every day…..

 


Comment from Armybrat
Time: December 30, 2011, 1:29 am

My cat farts. I know this because she is generally stretched out on my lap when she lets rip. makes me gag every time.

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 1:48 am

GAWD, don’t get me started on Cat Ass Dustings… ESPECIALLY when said cat has enjoyed a feast of Sardines in Mustard Sauce…… *gag* *gag* *BARF*…..

 


Comment from steve
Time: December 30, 2011, 1:56 am

1. Anal Salute
2. Beep your horn
3. Blast the chair
4. Blat
5. Blow Mud
6. Blow the big brown horn
7. Bottom blast
8. Bottom burp
9. Break wind
10. Butt burp
11. Butt trumpet
12. Butt tuba
13. Buttock bassoon
14. Cut a stinker
15. Cut the cheese
16. Cut the wind
17. Drop a bomb
18. Fart
19. Flatulate
20. Flatulence
21. Float an air biscuit
22. Funky rollers
23. Gaseous intestinal by-products
24. HUMrrhoids
25. Honk
26. Let a Beefer
27. Let each little bean be heard
28. Mating call of the barking spider
29. Mexican jet propulsion
30. One-gun salute
31. Pass gas
32. Pass wind
33. Poot
34. Puff, the Magic Dragon!
35. Rebuild the ozone layer one poof at a time
36. Rectal honk
37. Rectal shout
38. Ripple Fart
39. Shoot the cannon
40. Singe the [noun] (e.g. carpet)
41. Step on a duck
42. The colonic calliope
43. The gluteal tuba
44. Toot your own horn
45. Trouser cough
46. Trouser trumpet

I recommend (if you can find it)The Unexpurgated Code: A Complete Manual of Survival & Manners, by JP Donleavy…

There is a chapter in there, under the heading Vilenesses Various. regarding farting…There is no more complete treatise on the topic….

“My soul speaks when my mouth knows the moment is too divine for words.”

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 2:08 am

Crack-atoa…
Plumbers Salute
Wind of Mass Destruction
Methane Misfire
Whoopie Goldbergs favorite expression
Pipe Organ in A(ss) Minor
clearing the blowhole

I’ll think of more… Oh…..

OCEANIAS ARPEGGIO…..

 


Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: December 30, 2011, 2:23 am

Sigh – I’m not worthy to post in the presence of such knowledge.

 


Comment from Joan of Argghh!
Time: December 30, 2011, 2:23 am

I bet it was one of those damn Barking Spiders.

I like how Erica Sherman thought for years that the word was “Fot,” as in, “Who fotted?” long before she found out how to truly spell it.

“Chicken Farts” would be a great name for a band.

 


Comment from steve
Time: December 30, 2011, 2:33 am

Qui a coupé le fromage?

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 2:46 am

Rocky Bowel-Blowa?

How about Sitting on a Toad?

 


Comment from mommer_bomber
Time: December 30, 2011, 2:51 am

I have a cockatoo, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her fart. Man, that bird can crap.

 


Comment from EZnSF
Time: December 30, 2011, 3:05 am

Chicken air Biscuits.

Film at 11.

 


Comment from Oh Hell
Time: December 30, 2011, 3:21 am

I left my chicken fart comment in the previous post.

You can be late for the party and no one will remember. You can forget to pick up the milk and bread and no one remembers. But just fart ONCE in public and you will never live it down!!! This goes for chickens also.

 


Comment from Mojo
Time: December 30, 2011, 3:55 am

Question#2: What does it smell like?

 


Comment from steve
Time: December 30, 2011, 4:05 am

Question#2: What does it smell like?

Smells like chicken!

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 4:07 am

Hey!!! BLASTING A DWARF!!!!

 


Comment from steve
Time: December 30, 2011, 4:16 am

You know, Stoatie….

If you were to wax fanciful about the new, empirical research that you have done on the topic…. add a few quotes references and footnotes, from the “experts” and all of the “incomplete digestion”…err…crap. Salting in a few illustrations couldn’t hurt….

We can subject it to a “peer” review, right here.

And then one of us, as reviewers, can submit it to Improvable Research…..

I smell an Ignoble Prize!

(Which is much more prestigious than a Nobel Peace Prize, these days….)

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 4:25 am

Oh look …

The Four Fowls of the Apocalypse!

 


Comment from EZnSF
Time: December 30, 2011, 5:05 am

@ Steve & Stoaty

I smell grant money. Wafts and Wafts of grant money.

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 5:57 am

Oooh, Smells like Team Spirit!!! 😉

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 11:14 am

You mean Smelly Americans?

 


Comment from sandman says : nothing to see here
Time: December 30, 2011, 3:25 pm

You missed these gems:
1. Clearing your baffles. (Submarine term from Cold War).
2. Playing the butt whistle.
3. Stepping on carpet ducks.
4. One gun salute.
5. Playing “Hail to the Cheeks…”
6. Baking Butt Cake.
7. Cyclops coughing.
8. One cheek sneak.
9. Piping one aboard.
10.Casting dispersions.

 


Comment from Sven in Colorado
Time: December 30, 2011, 4:13 pm

Oceania,
I am betting you are obsessive/compulsive when it comes to anti-septic behavior….plastic bubble, face mask, gloves and a belt holster loaded with Lysol spray….HeH!

BTW, historically in all of northern and central European provinces and in some cities, the best laying hen(s) were sequestered in kitchen or pantry coops, some of them very fancy furniture quality. Those would be the French and Bavarian. (Whadda surprise!)

Keeping livestock wintered in stables under human living quarters was, and still is in some places, done for a couple of reasons… heat conservation and ease of care.

 


Comment from JeffS
Time: December 30, 2011, 5:12 pm

Thanks for the fart euphemisms! I sent them to a niece to remind her how we covered the quiet parts of Christmas at her house…….

 


Comment from Redd
Time: December 30, 2011, 5:16 pm

Okay, a lot of these made me laugh out loud. 🙂

I think it is cute that stoaty had her girls in the kitchen while she is baking. I bet they all gossip about us.

 


Comment from beasn
Time: December 30, 2011, 5:51 pm

Guinea pigs fart/fweep/blaart.

Oh great, oceania is playing with viruses. Who you going to annihilate first oceania, blacks or whites?

 


Comment from Argentium G. Tiger
Time: December 30, 2011, 6:25 pm

At least Mapp wasn’t perched way up high… “Death from Above!”

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: December 30, 2011, 6:56 pm

You have to ask, beasn?

I guaran-damn-tee that dogs fart. Silently. And stinkily.

 


Comment from Argentium G. Tiger
Time: December 30, 2011, 8:00 pm

Mrs. Peel: And never, ever allow a dog to eat peanut butter. Biological warfare happens later…

 


Comment from Deborah
Time: December 30, 2011, 9:54 pm

I had a chihuahua that would burp, but it wasn’t gross, only funny (in that doggy humor sort of way). He always seemed so proud of himself after he burped—maybe because we did laugh. He thought he’d done something to please us.

 


Comment from sandman says nothing to see here
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:12 pm

My brother’s Boston Terrier would burp, fart, snore…you name the noisy or stinky body function and a Boston does it. Mack, the Boston in question would run to you to say howdy and fart the whole time. You had to laugh at his lower jaw forward mug anyway. Loved Taco Bell.

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:23 pm

I’ve been playing hobby wise with viruses since 2003, and I have a rather good collection frozen.

I have specific strains of bacteriophage that you can spray on food, and knock out E coli with … however it was a winner, it just didn’t sell well with the general public.
I then realised that dirty Indians and Pakis wipe their hands with their arses, and feed with those hands, so anything they touch becomes Verboten. Dirty Creatures.

As for Eukaryotic viruses, my collection is expanding. RCD is of course a winner, and there was a mutation here a few years ago, where a factory was brewing RCD for sale, however the virus mutated, and five people died from pulmonary haemorrhagic ‘events’. Just imagine, you are sitting on your couch, then the next minute you start coughing, and 30 seconds later you’ve lost 7 pints through coughing it all up?

Forget Influenza … RCD for Humans is *the* winner.

 


Comment from mojo
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:27 pm

Someone really ought to feed you some borax and lead you through an area with a low-level neutron flux.

 


Comment from mojo
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:29 pm

PS:
“Stomping a frog”

 


Comment from Mrs Comton
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:32 pm

I’m reading abook right now where the court jester serranades the king with his musical butt. Maybe you can get an act together with the girls and your banjo… Strumming and butt fluffing!

 


Comment from Anonymous
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:43 pm

Fertilizing the Sinuses?

 


Comment from scubafreak
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:44 pm

Man, I’m really starting to not like Firefox…

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 10:49 pm

Don’t worry Scube, it will grow on you.

 


Comment from beasn
Time: December 30, 2011, 11:08 pm

Oceania, should you be playing with viruses? Instead of plotting to whack people, why not use your brain a little better in teaching bare arse wipers that that habit is disgusting? Or sucking the teat of your neighbor is bad, hard work, personal responsibility, good. If you take away welfare, Darwin will take care of the rest.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 30, 2011, 11:21 pm

Well, I see Mrs Compton has lost her P over the holidays. Tragic when that happens.

beasn, your avatar frightens me. I get to see it in the, um, behind-the-scenes thingie.

 


Comment from Mysterion
Time: December 30, 2011, 11:23 pm

What’s not to like about Firefox, Scubafreak? Earlier you said something about reentering data, don’t know if that was a comment about Firefox forms (like the name field for writing a comment here) but there is a setting that can be changed for remembering that stuff.

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 11:26 pm

Scube, try kicking your computer.
Apparently it works for old Minuteman Guidance systems also.

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 30, 2011, 11:30 pm

Why do I play with viruses? Because I can!
You can too! If you have access to the right gear, a decent centrifuge ….

Why play with viruses? Because the good ones can be tailored specifically to take out tumours – such as adeno and coxsacki …. they are windows upon cellular control.
As for the viral control of species, Kiwis have already weaponised over 400 kgs of viral product for rabbit control.
It worked. For 10 years here there were no rabbits. It was like they had been wiped out … by the hand of God … gone!

 


Comment from scubafreak
Time: December 31, 2011, 12:03 am

@Mysterion – you mean besides the lack of control over background processes, the flaky IPSEC coding and GIF files playing at double speed with no fix besides hacking the registry?

 


Comment from Oceania
Time: December 31, 2011, 12:14 am

And your complaint is specifically? I wouldn’t have your previous browser for a wart on my cock!
Cock-a-doodle-yankie!

 


Comment from Mrs Comton
Time: December 31, 2011, 1:36 am

I left the p in Buckingham Palace.

 


Comment from Mysterion
Time: December 31, 2011, 1:42 am

Oh, thought it was simple computer thing I could offer advice on. A couple weeks ago I was having problems playing flash files. After searching the internet and not being able to find a solution I updated the display adapter driver and that fixed the problem.

 


Pingback from The Cartman of Fowl (Which Seens Sorta Redundant) | Daily Pundit
Time: January 1, 2012, 3:31 am

[…] of Fowl (Which Seens Sorta Redundant) Posted on December 31, 2011 7:30 pm by Bill Quick S. Weasel Oh, man…I don’t believe I forgot to tell you this story. It was damp on Christmas Eve, so I let […]

 


Comment from Noelegy
Time: January 19, 2012, 5:40 pm

Animal fart stories…My late grandmother had an elderly Boston Terrier named Buster. Buster could be quite flatulent in his later years, and liked to sleep behind my grandmother’s recliner and cut the cheese, loudly. My grandmother was a soft-spoken, sweet Southern Baptist lady who liked to sit in her recliner and work on crochet, or knitting, or needlework projects. When she had company, she would apologize for the sounds emitting from behind her chair by saying, “Buster’s a bit windy today.”

Buster, the fart ventriloquist.

One of my cats, who’s always had digestive issues (it’s a congenital thing, and doesn’t seem to matter what we feed him) farts. Silently and evilly. He and his younger “sister” cat like to chase each other around the house, and one day their path of ruckus led them up the stairs and into my office, where the boy cat leapt to the back of my office chair, presented his rump to my shoulder, and farted. Evil cat.

And we won’t even talk about the two large dogs who like to lie comatose in the living room floor for their postprandial farting sessions…

 


Comment from Noelegy
Time: January 19, 2012, 5:42 pm

P.S. S. Weasel’s story brought me dangerously close to snickering while I was on the phone.

 


Comment from Mr. Dave
Time: April 6, 2016, 7:09 pm

Suitable for small children: heinie bark.

 


Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: April 7, 2016, 1:09 am

ghost turds

 


Comment from Uncle Al
Time: April 7, 2016, 2:11 am

Also suitable for the kiddies: Bottom burp.

When I was little, our family’s term was “fanny noise” but I understand that in the UK the word “fanny” isn’t quite as acceptable in genteel company as it is here in Yankeeburg.

 

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