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You thought yesterday’s film was dumb? Have you watched Derrick Bell’s movie, Cosmic Slop – Space Traders? Ohhhh, my sweet Aunt Fanny!

Here’s why Derek Bell is in the news today (hello, posterity!). Two things to remember: he was a Harvard Law professor who believed America was so utterly, foundationally racist that it could not be saved. And he wrote the sci-fi short story that HBO made into a cheezball movie, linked above.

Okay, so here’s the premise: dozens of alien ships appear on earth, hover over Plymouth Rock and offer a deal. An alien presence that’s the spitting image of Ronnie Reagan offers to give America — and I quote — “nearly unlimited quantities of gold and precious metals that will erase your deficit; machines that will renew your rivers and your air; cold fusion technology for a safe, cheap and inexhaustible source of energy.”

The catch — we have to give them all our black people. Don’t know what they want them for, they just want them.

Long story short, white people are so utterly, irredeemably racist, we take them up on it.


Unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of our natural resources?

You know what would be racist? If the aliens showed up and offered to take all the black people off our hands for free. Or for a small fee. And we took that deal. THAT would be racist of us.

But unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of our natural resources? Shee-it. That’s some kind of offer.

Forget race. Race doesn’t come into it. If they wanted everybody from upstate New York in return for that, we’d have to think about it. If they wanted all our left-handed people. If they wanted the whole Libertarian Party, or stamp collectors, or people who bowl or watch romantic comedies. We’d at least have to ask if they’d mind, given the stakes.

Hell, if aliens demanded a demographic that included me, I’d seriously have to think about it. Unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of the country’s natural resources is a pretty sweet legacy to leave behind. I think — I hope — I’d be willing to sacrifice myself voluntarily to leave y’all all of that.

You’re welcome.

Promise to hold a hell of a party in my honor though. Plus, a statue would be nice.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:01 am

I admit, though, I only watched the first half of the first reel and the last half of the last reel. Apologies to the late professor if there was all kinds of awesomeness in the middle.

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:21 am

I am glad the occasion hasn’t come up. The web lost one of the truly great ones this week, when Captain Carroll LeFon USN Ret., (Neptunus Lex), in his fighter crashed at Fallon Naval Air Station, killing him instantly. We lost Neptunus Lex, we can’t afford to lose the Web easel just yet.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:30 am

And anyway, of course we appreciate your willingness to sacrifice yourself, but there is /always/ a catch to those deals, y’know? Leprechaun’s gold, the Midas touch, the pigeon drop. . .any deal that seems too good to be true undoubtedly is.

Be kindof interesting to be on the legal team drafting the contracts, though. . .

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:31 am

I read about him, Scott. Very sad.

Not exactly in the same class of contribution, me. Though I did give the world the castophone.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:32 am

Don’t forget the Monkey’s Paw, Can’t Hark. One of my favorites.

Comment from Mrs. Compton
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:53 am

Aliens like dark meat?

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:54 am

All our blacks? I know the US is the bestest and grooviest of all, but don’t other countries/continents have non-pinky white people. Say, for instance, Africa? I’m pretty certain Mugabe and his ilk wouldn’t even think twice about that trade, whereas we (the US) would hem and haw and dither and feel horrible about trading humans for material wealth. That’s assuming the decision wasn’t stalled in court for years by scores of class action suits.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:57 am

Ayup, Sweas–definitely the Monkey’s Paw! And its proto-ancestor, the one about the three wishes and the sausages on the nose. . .

Comment from JeffS
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:08 am

Plus, a statue would be nice.

A golden statue, of course. With a perpetually running beer tap at the base. I think we could afford that much.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:28 am

Sheesh, I wasn’t intending to do an impersonation of Oceania.

I’m not as sanguine about sacrificing myself for unlimited quantities of gold and precious metals, because once something is “unlimited” it becomes for all intents and purposes valueless. Not only that, but how do we know that cold fusion won’t have some kind of unknown nasty consequences that make nuclear fallout look like a touch of stomach flu?

Although, I have to admit that I’d give away all those stamp collectors for free. Bad apples, the lot of them.

Comment from steve
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:30 am

I am confident I would miss all of those people when they were gone…..

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:39 am

No I haven’t seen Cosmic Slop, but I have listened to Frank Zappa’s Cozmik Debris.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:53 am

Feynmangroupie, you’re gonna have to work /way/ harder than that to do an imitation of Our Favorite Troll. Your spelling was impeccable, your grammar and usage correct, your reasoning easy to follow and entirely sensible, your tone moderate, your humorous intent discernible. . .a perfect “zero” score!

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:57 am

Can’t Hark,

You say the sweetest things. Makes a gal blush.

Comment from EZnSF
Time: March 9, 2012, 2:14 am

The Saint Stoaty Statue; Broadsword high above her in one hand, cradling a chicken in the other.

Comment from Allen
Time: March 9, 2012, 2:49 am

Ummm, can we vote on the demographic? I’d say current politicians, all of ’em. You know, the ones who say they are concerned with the environment, the deficit, and all the rest.

To Serve Man.

Comment from Deborah
Time: March 9, 2012, 3:02 am

Do Mustelids drink Guinness? We are toasting Neptunus Lex, Friday at 1700 hrs Pacific Standard Time.

Comment from Pablo
Time: March 9, 2012, 3:27 am

As if these magnificent, Reaganesque aliens would have to ask.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: March 9, 2012, 4:26 am

Feynmangroupie: Yeah, but beware Liberals, bearing gifts, y’know?

Comment from TimB52
Time: March 9, 2012, 4:45 am

Statue? Nooooo problem.

I got yer statue raght cheer!

Comment from Frit
Time: March 9, 2012, 5:51 am

I’m with Allen. Hand over all the politicians. After all, that there might solve a lot of the problems troubling the old USofA right now.

Poli: Multiple, many
Tick: Blood-sucking parasite.
…you do the math.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: March 9, 2012, 6:05 am

Allen & Frit,

That would solve about 80% of the air pollution. Throw in the MSM and we solve our toxic waste problem as well.

Comment from JC
Time: March 9, 2012, 7:33 am

Ummm, Walker Percy came up with a mindgame much like this about 30 years ago, and gave it up. By the way, the numbers say that only about 4 per cent. of the slaves taken from Africa actually came to North America, and that over 65 per cent. came to Brazil.

I went to a show of South American art with some friends a few years ago, and they were shocked, shocked I tell you, to see Negros depicted in the art of the Caribbees, Brazil, Venezuela, and so on.

“But everyone knows that we in the Untied Snakes of Hypocracy were the onliest wons to viktimize the poor Africans!”

I called bullshit, and was escorted out of the museum.

That to the side, the photo shoots of the Rio Carnival are much more…rewarding…than those of the white trash in New Orleans. Personally, I like the MArdi Gras in Mobile Alabama.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:03 pm

Apparently we’re meant to look up to this dolt as some sort of deep thinker. Like Cornel West with his ‘rap’ album, he’s not exactly doing his, erm, demographic any favours, is he? I would posit that if sub-Troma level sci-fi dreck in support of your racist fever dreams is the best you can come up with, you have nothing useful to say.

Comment from Ric Locke
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:16 pm

I propose that we remake the movie, with the deal offered being perpetual wealth &ct. in exchange for anybody and everybody who has ever made anything another person could use for his or her profit or advantage. Given the present attitude of Our Rulers And Betters, which is that Those People are a bunch of dumbasses who not only would be better off on the public teat but are too lazy to produce enough to support the Good People when it’s stolen, it’s highly plausible that the deal would be made.

We could call the result Gens Eloi.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 9, 2012, 12:36 pm

Of course, that’s another thing, Feynmangroupie. Unlimited gold and unlimited energy would severely screw up the global economy, at least in the short term. Gold would become worthless and all those people who work in the energy sector would be on the street.

It might’ve been cool at the end if the aliens had said, “psych! Just kidding! Now we’re going to wipe you all out for being such dicks!”

Maybe they ran out of budget.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: March 9, 2012, 1:28 pm

Cut the guy some slack. He’s a “Critical Race Theory” professor. Money just appears by magic. Obviously if we all have more gold we’re richer, right? The average guy working the night shift at the 7-11 has a firmer grasp of economics than cretins like this.

People like Bell are only intellectuals to the extent they are indulged by bien pensant liberal opinion. It’s really rather patronising. Their so-called scholarship is applauded in the same sense that a fond mother admires her toddler’s macaroni collage.

Comment from Nina
Time: March 9, 2012, 2:40 pm

How about all our stupid people?

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: March 9, 2012, 2:41 pm

Totally Off Topic, but Stoaty, did you see that the trial journals of Lizzie Borden’s lawyer have turned up?

Doesn’t appear, from the coverage, that there are any amazing revelations, but I seem to remember you talking about Lizzie and her house, once. . .

Comment from Bob Mulroy
Time: March 9, 2012, 4:49 pm

It’s a…


Comment from A Question for Ric Locke
Time: March 9, 2012, 4:56 pm


are there any plans for a novel where 2 pigmentation challenged flunkie enlisted oppressors would be sent to a slaver ship funded by aliens and in the course of cleaning it would engage in gratuitous down-low fluids exchange with… eyes and teef, since it would be dark in the bowels of cargo space?

Meanwhile on another ship, lots of mid-caliber fully automated weapons discharge at liver-eatin sculpins from the swamp.

Then the manually flown jets (maybe like Bristol Brabazon) would open the bay doors above volcanoes situated on ley lines on solstice day in order to steal the sigmas of the souls for the intergalactic criminal ruler, Tzad-dick Moisty.

I bet that would sell like greasy latkies on Kindle. Every cool kid would want to have one.

PS. are you any kin to Tone Lōc? Funky Called Medina? Wilding?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 9, 2012, 7:22 pm

Oooo! That’s awesome, Can’t Hark. I’m a Lizzie Borden fan, as you rightly recall.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: March 9, 2012, 7:40 pm

Unlimited gold and unlimited energy would severely screw up the global economy, at least in the short term.

In a sense, the coal & oil boom(s) of the 19th & 20th centuries was “free energy”. I mean, you just take the shit out of the ground and you have a tripling of life expectancies & fucking human beings standing on the damned moon (in SPACE! naked tree rats flying into space!) a few years later. I mean, free energy is “kind of a big deal” (as a very wise man once said). Unlimited gold is kind of like unlimited bits of paper with dead people printed on them.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: March 9, 2012, 7:46 pm

Also, today is 18 years since Bukowski kicked the proverbial bucket & I’ve been drinking since 10:00am. Hooray for Philadelphia!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 9, 2012, 8:23 pm

Capitalism. Whenever it closes a door, it opens a window.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: March 9, 2012, 9:17 pm

I can’t wait for those wheelbarrows of leaves to render everyone millionaires. Then I can give up this live of drudgery and phone sanitation.

Comment from memomachine
Time: March 10, 2012, 5:40 am

Sorry but I have to agree with the professor on this one. It is absolutely racism and of the worst sort. And I’ll continue to say so until and unless said aliens also take all the liberal Democrats as well.

Otherwise, no deal!

Comment from memomachine
Time: March 10, 2012, 5:43 am

“Capitalism. Whenever it closes a door, it opens a window.”

I was wondering why it was so drafty.

Comment from orabidoo
Time: March 12, 2012, 2:55 am

Upon giving the matter more thought than it merits, I am quite confident that the… quality of late Dr. Bell’s “Cosmic Slop” script may be a reliable indicator of its authenticity.

If you be a blue eyed debbil who associates the word “opera” with works of G. F. Haendel or Giuseppe Verdi, there is an inevitable jarring disconnect when you encounter a masterpiece such as “Treemonisha” by Scott Joplin. A “semi-miracle” indeed, per Wiki. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treemonisha
It earned a posthumous Pulitzer for its unprecedentedness and it can be credited only to irredeemable racism of right-wing Nobel Committee that it was denied its rightful large bling medallion worthy of Flava Flav.

What about Wallace Fart Mm-mmmm-ahem.mud. The great scientist Yakub, Mother Plane, civilizations on other planets, “the hells of North America”. All because of the inherent evil and wickedness of the melanin-challenged.

Then we have Virginia Hamilton’s “The People Could Fly: American Black Folktales”. You see, back in the Mother Africa, folk could fly, hither’n’yon, upabove. Then white man done stole the seekrut on how to do dat, so now folk have to go to the ticket counter and hand over the dollars and this is exploitation, fo sho.

To sum it up: if it is written like it came form Bertrand Russell or Thomas Babington Macaulay and it has a noble African’s visage on the cover, it is not unreasonable to suspect what hip-hopping rappers call “sampling”. (See: “Drums Frum Mah Futha” by William Ayers, Ph.D and “Temerity of Dope”, by the same author).

If it be about humpin’, witch doctors, oppression by YT, keepin’ it real, Selma, Wilma, Kateefah and Leroy, bulbous vibrating posteriors, supernatural powers, rhythm, prancing and specie extension, I’d say we have a genuine article. A real McMombataa.

At least Bell did not overtly “sampled” his script… which is more than can be said for 60% of marching looter kong’s doctoral dissertation.

Comment from Noelegy
Time: March 13, 2012, 7:29 pm

You have to wonder what Prof. Bell’s reaction would be to someone making that offer, but wanting to trade for all of the WHITE people.

Comment from Derrick Bell, Ph.D., CRT
Time: March 13, 2012, 7:58 pm

The Caucasoids are worthless and criminal, all of the accursed lot, but we will relieve our visitors of their redundant surplus gold, energy and wealth in exchange.
And about the Jews, them whites just lied and misquoted me. A Jew is a pious person, either a Nobel Laureate, a distinguished Professor or a Holocaust Survivor. There were three Holocausts in XXth century alone so that is why we have such a large set.
The Jews I would never sell because they are so selfless, generous and guilt-ridden that they will always give to The United Negro College Fund before they have a cup of water to drink for themselves.
There is only 2% of Jews in America, and they are so dispersed, assimilated and oppressed for their devotion to tradition.
These ignorant ever racist whites did not have more passports than 2-3 per hundred. So it just worked out so swell that helpful and neighborly Jews helped them to pick the right and deserving ordnance targets on the antipodes.
Border enforcement?? That is soooo white and racist.
Jews do never enforce any archaic discriminating border. They would be perfectly content with the next one they could have.

Now open your hearts and minds to me. And Barack… please quit playing pocket pool in front of a camera. I know it itches bad. I ought to have some sulfonamids in the trunk.

Comment from Brick Bollocke
Time: March 15, 2012, 7:20 am

I have been hard at research for a sequel with a working title:
Temporary Booty II: Tentacle Boogaloo


Hoping hard for InstaLanche.


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