It’ll start rolling in any minute now
I’ve forgotten where I was at when this ad popped up. Oh, no…this is not a Photoshop. This is for reals.
My favorite part? AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV! Because, like, that’s where all us happening cyberchicks and cyberdudes get the skinny on the latest cybernews, daddy-o. It comes with a book called “Blog about This!” that would really come in handy sometimes, only I notice it’s S/H not included. I’m guessing there’s lots and lots of handling involved.
Anyhow, as of this morning, 13% of the total lifetime traffic for sweasel.com has been in the last two days. Criminy. Some day, business majors will give names to patterns of traffic distribution. Allow me to dub a spike exceeding 1,000% the “holy fucking shit!”
It won’t last, of course. I’m mulling schemes for holding on to as many visitors as I can. What do you think of the “I’ll Show You Mine and You Don’t Even Have to Show Me Yours” campaign? Remember, I’m pushing fifty, so mine ain’t what it used to be.
Oops! Gotta go. It’s Friday, and you know what that means:
Corporate America ROCKS!
May 2, 2008 — 8:58 am
Comments: 36
Somebody here order a nightmare?
What you get when you do a Google Images search for “marsupial.” Her full name is “marsupial in pickle jar.” No link — it’s from the Ann Arbor Pioneer High School Ecology Club Home Page; them chilrun don’t be needing a weaselanche.
The Floor Guys are coming in an hour to belt sand and polyurethane Weasel Towers. My ever narrowing circle of territory is now going to consist of precisely one room, in the basement. And there I shall dwell all my days and be queen unto them and I shall rule them benevolently, with a wise hand, firm and fair.
I’m so screwed.
I’ll be offline at home — I’ve got to unplug everything and get it out of their way — but I’ll still have access at work, so you won’t miss one thrilling moment of the bitchin’ and whinin’ and generally actin’ like nobody else ever had to move house before.
Just call me Marsupial in Pickle Jar.
March 19, 2008 — 8:34 am
Comments: 42
An idea…
I would be so cool if we could make the whole blogosphere emit a
high-pitched, keening wail.
March 14, 2008 — 7:11 am
Comments: 5
Your one-stop shop for half baked ideas
Hey, hey…check it out. I ran across this while looking up the refractive index of vinegar (yes, I had to look it up. Shut up). It’s the Halfbakery “a discussion forum for poorly thought-out original ideas for inventions.”
Worth a morning browse. My favorite so far: cream cheese marketed in ring shape, so you just slap it on your bagel. I don’t know why I like that, though. I don’t like my bagels cut in half longitudinally. I like to eat them toroidally, dabbing cream cheese on the gnawed ends.
Why am I telling you this?
March 5, 2008 — 8:51 am
Comments: 54
Evildoers? On the *Internet*?!
Have y’all run into this yet? I got this one clicking on the result of an images search.
Backstory here. Google just finished combing through three billion web pages looking for bad actors. They found about three million. One in a thousand.
They were surprised to find there was only a slightly greater risk of badware in the sleazy neighborhoods. So go on, surf porn with confidence (I’m looking at you, McGoo).
The breakdown? China: 67%. The US: 15%. Russia: 4%. Malaysia: 2.2%. Korea: 2%.
Malicious site operators in China fall into two broad categories, Thompson said: fraudsters looking to steal your banking password, and teenagers who want to steal your World of Warcraft character.
The solution mentioned in the article is to keep automatic updates switched on. Automatic updates can kiss my ass. The last time I ran automatic updates, it made Internet Explorer my default browser and loaded the vile Outlook Express on my nice clean machine. I turned it off, and now it pisses and moans every time I reboot. So I don’t reboot. How bout we just don’t give out our banking or WoW details instead?
I know, I know. It’s the weekend. I’m s’posed to be restesing. But I’m all about looking out for the minions.
Hey, can you cook potroast from frozen?
February 23, 2008 — 10:34 am
Comments: 23
Smut week continues on sweasel.com
It snew! Yes, the big storm racing across America reached a Weasel this noon. I flew home at a cumulative speed of 6.25 miles an hour (wot a beaut of a traffic jam!) and…continued putting things into boxes.
So here’s a link to somebody else’s shit! Tokyo Damage Report has been on my reading list since before I read blogs, even. The proprietor is a messed-up American dude in Tokyo who comments on…bands and porno, mostly. This is where I first heard about tentacle porn and used panty vending machines — without the knowledge of which, my life would be immeasurably poorer. Yet, despite the subject matter, his posts are somehow never in the slightest prurient or even smutty.
But the site can be hard to follow. Whenever he gets jammed up in the structure of his own site, he shifts everything around and opens entirely new pages in different places. No blogging software, either; it’s all free-form and bewildering. Sometimes interesting links go here to die.
The photograph above comes from what purports to be a Japanese sex manual from the 1960s. I think. The description got severed from the page scans and I can’t seem to find it again. Anyhow, here’s the book. Sure, it starts off innocently enough, making hand-holding as complex as docking the shuttle to the international space station, but it gets pretty hot after that.
Click at least as far as the nice lady in the leotard making vague gestures at an artist’s mannequin from across the room. That’s oral sex! It looks so wholesome.
December 13, 2007 — 7:44 pm
Comments: 32
Boston has a innernets
Found among some papers tonight. No, this isn’t irony or anything. This is THE IN-TER-NET, coming to Massachusetts. Doot-de-doodly-doo!
Actually, I’d been on THE IN-TER-NET for almost a decade when I signed onto this service, but this really was a breakthrough for price and ubiquity of coverage. I think this was the mid-Nineties. The Usenet days. The Web existed, but it was still excruciatingly lame and boring and non-interactive.
The deal with Usenet, you could post under any name you liked, but your IP address was always in the header for everybody to see. That’s what made AOL such a popular trollhaven when it hit the ‘net: no matter who you were or where you posted from in the world, the IP address just resolved to plain old AOL.com. All AOL users looked alike. They could trash talk anonymously.
These people, this USAinternet thing, had dialup numbers in cities all over the country. When I posted from work (yeah…I had a dedicated outside phone line for data transfer…sweet), I dialled a local number and my IP resolved to something like powernet.boston.ma.com. And from home it was powernet.providence.ri.com.
Well, lots of ISPs used these same phone lines, I noticed. So, for the modest price of a long-distance phone call, I could make strange troll-y messages look, to anyone who paid attention, like they came from…whoever on Usenet happened to be irritating me at the moment.
Yeah. Hm. They don’t call me “weasel” for my silky fur and jaunty whiskers.
December 5, 2007 — 7:38 pm
Comments: 9
Spaminated. Enspamnified. All spambled up.
Heh. Check out the #1 blog in the TTLB ecosystem: Grandfather Clocks Blog. “Whoa!” thinks Weasel, “with 58,541 hits to Michelle Malkin’s paltry 6,139, that site has to be a real hotbed of hot beds.”
It is, in fact, a boring site selling grandfather clocks. How they gamed the incoming links, I do not know.
I have a hate/hate relationship with TTLB. The rating system broke days after I started up this site, so I was a Jaunty Plague Bacillus or an Irregularly-Shaped Mole on your Ass or whatever it was for two months. And now it arbitrarily adds and removes links from me in a random way, irrespective of, you know, people linking to me and stuff.
I know, I know: all the cool kids pretend they don’t care about traffic. But it’s like that goddamned bear is messing with me or something.
December 3, 2007 — 5:44 pm
Comments: 24
Stinks to high heaven
· In September of 2000 TV station France 2 showed footage that it declared was the murder of Palestinian boy Muhammad al-Dura by the IDF. It became iconic. It was shown and reshown and resulted in a hefty body count.
· After further scrutiny, it was clear that the film didn’t show what they said it showed. In November of 2004, media watchdog Phillippe Karsenty called bullshit on France 2, claiming the incident was staged.
· Charles Enderlin and Arlette Chabot of France 2 sued Karsenty for libel and, with an assist from the shameless Jacques Chirac, France 2 won.
· Karsenty appealed and demanded the raw footage of the incident. The appeal judge concurred.
So today saw the release of 18 of the supposed 27 minutes of raw tape. Film. Disc. Whatever. Among the revelations: al Dura peeking out between his fingers some time after his ‘death.’
Richard Landes of the Augean Stables is, as usual, on top of this one, too. For metabackground (don’t you hate fake words with “meta” in them?), Landes also runs Second Draft, which includes an excellent collection of data on Pallywood.
I met Richard Landes at Acepalooza when, asked my name, I blurted out
my own real name. This so shocked basic weasel protocol that
I walked away before I realized I had been conversing with one of
my favorite bloggers.
November 16, 2007 — 11:51 am
Comments: 12
The Uncyclopedia:
How did I miss this? File it under “more things you discover while looking for a photo of Roger Ebert.” It’s the Uncyclopedia, a web parody of Wikipedia. I, of course, had to go to Wikipedia to learn the background, which may have caused a rift in the space/time continuum, whatever that is. Ummm…sorry.
It was started by some guy in early 2005 and quickly outgrew its first host. It now has tens of thousands of articles in dozens of languages. It follows the Wiki model of user-generated content, which is orders of magnitude dicier to do with humor than it is with factual content. Articles range from really pretty funny to not particularly funny at all, most appear to be largely unfunny with occasional bursts of “ha!”…but every single one is funnier than the departmental Monthly Highlights for September, which is what I’m supposed to be reading right now.
One recurring gag is rampant quoting of Oscar Wilde, “a man whose wisdom touches on nearly every conceivable topic, often without consent, which in turn has led to several lawsuits.”
Here’s part of their page on weasels:
The Weasel was first manufactured in 1967 by SONY as an incontinence aid and radar system. Its ability as a device to invoke zero-gravity (normally using bovril) fuelled its instant popularity and led to the GREAT WEASEL BOOM OF 1968
Weasels are reptiles of family muselidae and are honorary members of the von Trapp family.
Weasels are known to be more or less constantly engaged in family feuds.
Fossil evidence from a long, long time ago has suggested that the weasel is in fact a type of crocus (the band, or the flower) and should be classified accordingly as a member of family iridaceae, though the scientists conducting this research were nearing retirement and not very keen on being particularly correct in their conclusions. GOD, MY HEAD’S ITCHY!
Little is ever made of the involvement of weasels in the Gambino crime family, or their studio work with Sly and the Family Stone. Needless to say, “weasel” is synonymous with “family” in many walks of English life, except Wales, (a mythical country, thought to lie off the coast of Nova Scotia. Only accessible during a full moon, from the east), where weasel is spelled Llwchynghwyllio(pronounced luncheon willie).
The proper term referring to two or more weasels is a Limited Liability Partnership of weasels.
See also weaselpudge, weasel popping, stoat molesting and bacon mist.
September 28, 2007 — 8:52 am
Comments: 10