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A Farewell to Arse: Charlton Heston’s Buttocks 1924-2008

charlton heston

tocks sequence

Those of you who missed the theatrical release may not know this, but the original Planet of the Apes starred Charlton Heston’s ass. Oh, there were other characters in it — the rest of Mr Heston, for example — but the 44-year-old Heston bottom stole the show. It left round, bi-lobal smoochies all over that movie.

I was eight years old in 1968 when Planet of the Apes was released. I had never seen male ass before, not counting the brief flash of white as my father dove behind the dresser the morning I walked into the parents’ room unannounced. I imprinted on the Heston brand instantly.

“Yes,” I thought, “that is correct. That is what one of those looks like.”

Women are, as a rule, not moved by visuals the way men are. Men will react to a mere silhouette, which is why so many of them drive right off the road chasing the Mudflap Girl, Silent Killer of America’s Highways.

Women are turned on by the backstory. Will he wrestle a bear? Does he like kittens? Is he the unacknowledged illigitimate son of the Earl of Wessex? There’s a bit of hairy chest and heaving bosom in there, sure, but it’s mostly about personal history. Women can get the vapors from A&E’s Biography.

It’s a true but seldom-acknowledged fact that Harlequin romance novels are hard-core porn for women.

So I’m not being cute when I tell you you my fascination with the Heston ‘tocks is not an especially sexual thing. It’s more like…recognizing an archetype. Like finding the Golden Mean of bottoms. Oh, sure, there are plenty more muscular asses out there, but I hate gym bodies. Heston had a splendid ordinary guy physique. I went to art school a decade later and paid large money to stare intently for hours at various specimens of naked humanity: no ass ever truly measured up. Not one.

Charlton Heston died on Saturday at the age of 84. Of Alzheimer’s, which is a shit disease because it kills you years before it kills you.

He was by all accounts that matter a good and genuine man: a real outdoorsman, a great father, happily married to the same woman for sixty something years.

Lefties snark that the causes he supported in his lifetime show a philosophical change for the worse, if not plain old intellectual confusion: from his strong pro-civil rights and anti-McCarthy stands in the 1960s to his later prominent support for Reagan and the NRA. But it’s all of a piece: it’s about people minding their own damn business, getting out of the way and leaving each other the hell alone.

Good man. Great movies. But, oh dear, what an exceptionally fine ass.

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:03 am

I had one of those “My President is Charlton Heston” NRA bumperstickers on the weaselmobile for fifteen years. It made sense during the Clinton era, but I kept it for the Bush years, too. In my case, it meant “My President is Charlton Heston’s Saucy White Hinder” but there wasn’t room to write it in.

I’ve already told my Charlton Heston story before, but I’ll repeat it here on account of it’s appropriate. My dad worked as a mid-level fundraiser on some presidential campaign (Nixon, maybe? Don’t remember). Reward for that was luncheon at the White House. He sat at the table between Billy Graham and Charlton Heston. He said he felt like the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost — it helps to know my father and his gigantic ego to find that funny.

Anyhow, he says that Graham was a pompous blowhard, bragging about all the places he’d been and the people he’d met. He says Heston was egging him on, getting him to beclown himself; clearly poking fun at Graham, who was too full of himself to realize it. In as much as you can get to know anyone in the course of one meal, my dad really liked Charlton Heston.

Sadly, he didn’t really notice Mr Heston’s bottom.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:47 am

Bi-lobal smoochies.

I am soooo gonna use that phrase some day. I remember the butt scenes in the original flick because whenever they showed butt all the girls in the theater squealed. Including my date. Rats.

Weaz – several others around the blogsphere have written to the effect that CH was not ever known to be overly impressed with himself – or the Pompous. He was a really “normal” down-to-earth guy who was quite likable.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:05 am

Some great Heston quotes have turned up in the tributes. I’m going to have to read his autobiography after the born-again price settles.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:10 am

Yep. The autobiography is at the top of my get-list.

BTW – offtopic: nice job on the AoS moronlist. I noticed the other day that it was moved and updated.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:11 am

The header picture is not a very good representation of the Sacred Rump, by the way. He’s just had his loincloth ripped away by an ape, so he’s got a little nervous crouch-and-clench going on there. I don’t think he was all that comfortable completely nude: the butt is shown off to better advantage when he’s got a bit of cover.

Like the galley scenes in Ben Hur.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:14 am

Still working on the moronlist. I started with the Conservative Belle one, but I took some things off (Protein Wisdom and Ace may have reciprocal ties, but I don’t think PW is a moronblog by my definition), re-alphabetized (the T in The does not work for me) and checked the actual name of the blogs, rather than going by usernames sometimes. I’m awfully retentive like that.

Alas, I can’t work on it from work. I can’t get behind the scenes of sweasel: they’ve got my BlueHost control panel blocked. My blogroll and moronroll are separate .php files, for easy cleaning.

Retentive.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:25 am

Can’t say my memory of Heston-butt is that vivid or complete: it must be my heterosexual bias, I guess.

If you piddle with the list again, and you don’t mind, list me as “Steamboat McGoo” (and way down at the bottom where porn goes), not A&A. The only reason is that I find I’m more comfortable not “crowding” the genuine AoS listing and other more-worthy sites up there at the top. I am only an egg – I shouldn’t be “close” to his listing. Its no big deal.

Unless you don’t want me down there where you’re listed?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:36 am

However you want it, McGoo. I’m completely overwhelmed trying to absorb so many new blogs into my reading habits. It’ll be a while before I work out who updates often and who doesn’t and who I find sympatico and who I don’t.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:44 am

No biggie, Weaz. I like being in the shadows where I can weave my nefarious plans in anonymity.

It’s hard to hit all of the moronsphere every day. And there is some repetition. DPUD and others have a nice summary sometimes.

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: April 7, 2008, 8:02 am

Yeah, I was going to say, he’s clenching. I went to boarding school as a child and we used to have to have communal baths after ‘games’ (rugby, cross-country, athletics) and we used to have a teacher walk around making sure we were washing ourselves properly. So, I’m familiar with the ancient art of clenching.
Jesus, reading that back, it’s a goddamned miracle I didn’t turn out queer.
R.I.P. Mr. Heston, sir. I liked you very much in The Omega Man, with that chick with the massive Afro. You were one of a dying breed; a military veteran in Hollywood.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 8:17 am

…a military veteran in Hollywood. Yep. Like Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, Donald Pleasence, etc.

I can’t think of a single actor/actress now who was a vet. Maybe they just don’t advertise it now.

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: April 7, 2008, 8:28 am

…Gene Hackman, George C. Scott, Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Henry Fonda…I had a shit-hot list that I wrote on digg.com but it was a week or so ago, and so it’s gone, uh, somewhere I can’t find it.

Today there’s…Oliver Stone…

You can tell there are no veterans in Hollywood now purely by their shiteating anti-American output.

Wait – I’ve found it. This was my stupid comment on digg.com:

Hollywood used to have a lot of veterans working as actors, producers and directors. People like Ronald Reagan, James Stewart, Ed McMahan, Jason Robards, Clark Gable, Henry Fonda, Charlton Heston, Ernest Borgnine, Charles Bronson, Glenn Ford, George C. Scott (my favourite; multiple-decorated USMC Sergeant, one of the most shit-hot actors ever to appear on the silver screen, bar brawler), Lee Marvin, John Wayne, James Doohan, Alec Guiness, David Niven, Bob Barker, Lee Cobb, Tony Curtis, Kirk Douglas, Rock Hudson, Peter Sellers, Dennis Hopper, Walther Matthau, Gene Roddenberry, Mickey Rooney, Burt Lancaster, George Kennedy, Sam Peckinpah, Paul Newman.
I can’t think of any big-name actors, producers or directors these days who are veterans (apart from Oliver Stone). Instead you have treacherous, seditious, limpwristed commie turds like Sean Penn, Michael Moore and Brian De Palma. That goes a long way to explaining why the trash they churn out is so inherently anti-American and basically looks like undiluted enemy propaganda.

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: April 7, 2008, 8:37 am

Weas, I was thinking the same thing about PW. I also wanted to leave Malor off ’cause I just don’t like him…but that would be petty, wouldn’t it?

I also thought something similar about the Jawa Report. Shouldn’t “moronblogs” be those blogs that got started by commenters of Ace’s? The Jawa Report is really their own thang, yannow?

also, totally heart Charlton Heston. Can’t say the same for his butt, though. I think the boy has the best butt I’ve ever seen.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 8:44 am

Yes, I almost left Malor off for the same reason. I still don’t get what Ace is thinking, choosing him as a co-blogger. There are one or two others on the list that are…less than favorites. Still, electrons are cheap and I can learn to skip over them. I’m trainable like that.

 


Comment from Kowboy
Time: April 7, 2008, 9:44 am

Charlton Heston was a true American. He will be sorely missed.

And as far as veterans in Hollywood go, Tom Selleck was a member of the California National Guard.

 


Comment from gnus
Time: April 7, 2008, 10:33 am

Gibby, don’t forget Eddie Albert.

Albert served as a lieutenant in the United States Coast Guard in the Pacific during World War II. A genuine war hero, he was awarded the Bronze Star for his actions during the Battle of Tarawa in 1943, when, as a landing ship pilot, he rescued 70 wounded Marines while under heavy enemy machine-gun fire.

(Quote from Wikipedia)

Not to mention meritorious service on Green Acres.

I never noticed his ass, though. Heston’s either.

 


Comment from nbpundit
Time: April 7, 2008, 11:35 am

They don’t get any better than Heston.
I remember when Ben Hur came out,
thought the chariot race was the
hottest thing I’d ever seen on screen…
/how’d they do that…

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: April 7, 2008, 12:17 pm

Sorry gnus, I’d never heard of him. I wish I could find the original list; I only included about 1/3 of them.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 12:39 pm

Well, there appears to be an entire sub-genre of persons out there that we were oblivious to, guys. War Veteran Actors With Hot Butts.

Who knew?

 


Comment from PattyAnn
Time: April 7, 2008, 2:18 pm

“War Veteran Actors With Hot Butts”
Consider this stolen, McGoo. I am so going to use this this week to balance out Rosetta’s Big Boob Friday posting.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 2:43 pm

Take it. It’s yours. Wield it with a will!

 


Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: April 7, 2008, 3:47 pm

It’s a true but seldom-acknowledged fact that Harlequin romance novels are hard-core porn for women.

True, but only the later ones, apparently. My mom loves the ones written before 1975 or so, after that they turn into porn, she says.

Here’s my post on WW2 vet actors. Just about every one that makes you say “man, he’s cool” was one.

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: April 7, 2008, 4:08 pm

I think what Weas meant was that the same impulses that drive men to consume unrealistic sex also drive women to consume unrealistic relationships. I don’t think she meant that Harlequin romance novels contain hardcore sex scenes – as you say, that is a newer trend. The typical sex scene in an older romance novel, like a sex scene in an older movie (To Catch a Thief has a good example), is long on steam, short on detail; you get a lot of heated glances, murmured sweet nothings, possibly a passionate kiss, and then the fire goes out or the door closes, and the scene cuts to the afterglow or even the next morning. That’s what turns women on, just as teh boobies turn men on. I think that is the point Weas was making.

I actually wrote a long post on my old blog analyzing Beauty and the Beast and its relationship to Pride & Prejudice, Regency-era “to reform a rake” romance novels, and the rather passionate fandom of the Hermione/Snape ‘ship. I should resurrect that post sometime – hardly anyone made fun of it when I originally posted it, so I must not have had much traffic that day.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: April 7, 2008, 4:29 pm

I’m absolutely sure you and her Ladyship are quite right, Mrs. Peel.

Indeed, I have often wondered if the alleged damage done by pornography is not at least equalled by that caused by romantic fiction.

After all, married life (in so far as that quaint old institution manages to hang on by its fingernails, here in England) is so far removed from the rosy orgy of domestic bliss promised by M&B, Harlequin et al that it is surely as much the cause of broken relationships as is hardcore filth.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 4:42 pm

Wait.

It is…?

But…but you said…

No rosy orgy of domestic bliss? I was really looking forward to that.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: April 7, 2008, 4:44 pm

Stupid weasel! I promised you a fruit garden, not a rose garden!

There are runny babbits in the hedge, if that helps?

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 5:17 pm

Does reading romantic fiction make you go blind?

Weaz – you’re not gonna leave Heston’s butt there all night are you? I mean, the man just croaked … he’s in the dirt mode … daisy pushin’…

I keep thinking, “From my cold dead buns!” for some strange reason.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 5:42 pm

What? Why not? I think the world of Charlton Heston’s butt! It’s the highest tribute I can pay: forty years of abject ass worship.

 


Comment from BTM
Time: April 7, 2008, 5:46 pm

All I know is I ain’t pulling nothing from his “cold, dead buns.”

 


Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: April 7, 2008, 5:51 pm

Indeed, I have often wondered if the alleged damage done by pornography is not at least equalled by that caused by romantic fiction.

At least as much, I should say.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 5:55 pm

Oops! I guess I didn’t think of it as a tribute! Duh.

Bun away, Weaz. Bun away!

“Get you filthy paws off my man-buns, you damned dirty apes!”

“It’s man-buns! Soylent green is man-buns!”

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:07 pm

I just got an email offering me a bowljob. What do you reckon one of them is?

I’m thinking it’s a Moe haircut.

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:11 pm

A job spinning and serving salads?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:11 pm

w00t! Sweasel is hit #6 for supernumery nipples.

And they said I wouldn’t amount to anything.

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:13 pm

2022 is coming soon. Where’s my soylent green?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:20 pm

I’m sorry, Musli. There’ve been some cutbacks. Soylent Green is currently made out of mealy bugs.

Stupid abortion policy.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: April 7, 2008, 6:50 pm

Hey!

Where you came from, Weasel, they said you wouldn’t amount to “nuthin'”

(koff)

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:07 pm

As opposed to the nuffink in Badger’s home district.

 


Comment from Homer
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:13 pm

Mmmmmm! Soylent Green!

 


Comment from someone
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:18 pm

“I also wanted to leave Malor off ’cause I just don’t like him…”

Heh. Who does?

“I still don’t get what Ace is thinking, choosing him as a co-blogger.”

His first Open Blog post was OK. But who knew he’d get 10x more voluble and self-important when he got promoted?

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:49 pm

Malor. Hmmm. Ace could do better.

Weaz – you definitely have a mixed crowd here today. It’s gotta be a Buns of Heston effect.

 


Comment from BTM
Time: April 7, 2008, 7:59 pm

Sometimes when I read this blog I feel like I’m listening to Dennis Miller. I don’t get half the references but I laugh any way.

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: April 7, 2008, 8:38 pm

Indeed, I have often wondered if the alleged damage done by pornography is not at least equalled by that caused by romantic fiction.

Oh, certainly. In fact, I touched on that in the old post I mentioned, regarding the female attraction to Bad Boyz (whatcha gonna do?).

Also, I almost put a “[sic]” after “equalled” as a joke, since we spell that with one L here in the colonies, but I wasn’t sure everyone would realize that I was being silly and not intending any offense.

The Weas probably has a mixed crowd today thanks to Sinistar’s link from his moronosphere roundup. I’m sort of miffed he didn’t link my ape-related news story. Hmmmph.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 7, 2008, 9:28 pm

Yep, Mrs. Peel. I kinda figured it was a Sinistar effect. Heh.

He mentioned my stolen aurora photos on his moronosphere report today and my hits went thru the roof.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: April 7, 2008, 9:29 pm

‘Moses, Moses…’

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: April 7, 2008, 9:34 pm

I could never understand the appeal of the ‘bad boy’. They were/are dicks.

Give me a regular guy or nerd over a bad boy any day and I will help him find his inner viking. Or not, as I am domestically blissed.

 


Comment from doubleplusundead
Time: April 8, 2008, 9:55 am

I also thought something similar about the Jawa Report.

Good Lt. asked to have the Jawas on at CB’s when she was making the list, I don’t think we rejected anyone, most of them are done by former commenters. As for PW, Dan Collins was a commenter before he was recruited to co-blog PW, so I think it passes the test.

He mentioned my stolen aurora photos on his moronosphere report today and my hits went thru the roof.

I prefer to call it proactively borrowed.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 10:08 am

Well, DPUD – I want to postactively thank you!

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: April 8, 2008, 11:21 am

Apart from The Omega Man and Planet of the Apes are there any good Heston films that are worth seeing? Not the classical ones though; they’re not my thing.
I’ve browsed his imdb.com entry and the list seems relatively short for a guy who was a) a big name; 2) a life-long cinema veteran; iii) old when he bought it.
In any case, it’ll have to wait; I’m on a Hackman bent at the moment.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 11:28 am

Gibby – I hesitate to mention it, but Three Musketeers and Four Musketeers starred CH (among others). He played Cardinal Richelieu. I love the humor in the two flicks.

BTW: The actors in the two movies (Raquel Welch, Faye Dunaway, Michael York, Dracula (whatshisname – Saruman in LOTR – Christopher Lee!), etc) sued the producers because they were paid for “one” movie but the producers split it into two flicks. The actors won, I believe.

CH also had a small part in Tombstone and the remake of Planet of the Apes.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 11:42 am

Here ya go, Weaz!

http://seriouslyomg.com/?p=7878

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: April 8, 2008, 11:47 am

Thanks McG, I’ll check ’em out. I’ve seen them before, I think. But it’s been ages.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 11:57 am

Gibby – I just love the little “asides” minor characters make about the main characters in the two musketeer flicks. Like when Lady DeWinter (Faye Dunaway) gets out of her sedan chair at home, and as she walks away one of the carriers rubs his sore arm and grumbles quietly “She’s put on weight. Why doesn’t she get a horse?”

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 8, 2008, 1:42 pm

Ewww…Woody Harrelson. I mean, nice butt, but…ewwww.

 


Comment from it\’s vintage, duh
Time: April 8, 2008, 2:54 pm

If you listen to TV or radio around here, you’d think everybody hates his guts. That’s because the media hates his guts, natch.

All the more reason for me to like him!

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 8, 2008, 3:00 pm

Oh my god, it’s an area of blogospheric bilocation!

Heh heh. Vintage is replying to a message I left on his blog — a rumor that Don Carcieri, my governor, might be considered for VP slot. He’s a good guy; it would help sway me.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 3:16 pm

Woody H, huh. I didn’t read whose butt it was (nor did I recognize it – heh), I just happened to be perusing Agentbedhead and saw the link.

Hell, I figured it was Putin’s or sumpin.

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: April 8, 2008, 3:43 pm

Didn’t that guy [Woody] open an oxygen bar in (obviously) California? A bar that sells…oxygen? Where customers sit around huffing air with a higher mix of oxygen?
Sure, he’s got an attractive (I suppose) tuchus, but when you factor in owning a bar which sells people oxygen, his ass is irrelevant. Hell, when you factor that in, he essentially has no ass. Which makes you wonder how he gets rid of the cacka. But, he’s a lefty, which answers that question pretty well.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 3:53 pm

Blogospheric bilocation. That has got to itch…smear some of that pink shit for poison ivy on it.

I’d take Carcieri for VP. I kinda liked the Condi rumour, but I believe it’s probably bullshit.

And I like the way the Brits spell rumour and colour, so I’m gonna spell ’em that way today. Pbbbt!

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 8, 2008, 4:04 pm

Yep. That Woody Harrelson. Though I’ve always wanted to try pure oxygen; it’s supposed to work wonders for a hangover.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 8, 2008, 4:05 pm

Oh, HERE’s a nice spam I just got in email:

PROZAC has helped me go through the sadness. And you know what? It actually gave me a good boost when I drank with it.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: April 8, 2008, 4:14 pm

Condi for VP? Errrrr…..no. She has been pickled in the loosie goosie State brine for too long.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 8, 2008, 4:28 pm

So our hero-and-Prozac-user had a “sadness”, treated it by drinking to excess, and got an additional buzz from the synergy between the booze and the Prozac? Good deal!

God I love self-medication success stories!

PnB – I didn’t care about Condi actually serving – I just loved the idea of stealing both the Race and Gender cards right out from under the (D)s lilly-white metro-butts – and with a person with more honesty and integrity that the sum of the entire (D) party put together.

I think a VP is fairly useless anyway.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: April 8, 2008, 6:49 pm

I think a VP is fairly useless anyway.

Unless your name is Cheney, then peoples think you have all sorts of mystical powers.
The day Cheney told Leahy (I think it was Leahy) to go fuck himself, was the day he got my full respect. Too bad it wasn’t Reid, I would have sent him love letters.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 8, 2008, 6:55 pm

I’d send him love letters, if I knew where to send them. Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, John Bolton…we make the wrong guys play second fiddle.

McCain’s #2 is going to be more important than most…not just because he’s an elderly cancer survivor. Also, because a sizable fraction of his base hates his guts.

If he picks a ‘thumb in my eye’ running mate (Lindsay Graham comes to mind) he can totally go fuck hisself, says I.

 


Comment from doubleplusundead
Time: April 8, 2008, 6:56 pm

I still say John Bolton’s ‘stache for ’08, failing that, ’12.

 

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