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Um, ow

Soooo…I had a mammogram today. The way they do it under the NHS, they go ahead and schedule you an appointment and send you a notice and then hope enough people turn up to make it worthwhile. See, they drive up in a 40-foot tit wagon with a receptionist in one end, changing rooms in the middle, and an X-Ray tech in the back and then just gram mammoes all day.

That poor tech must handle a whole, WHOLE lot of knockers.

My nurse friends have all had similar gigs. One spent, like, eighteen months doing nothing but pap smears in a similar mobile clinic. Goodness me. She had nightmares about fighting her way out of Carlsbad Caverns armed with nothing but a Q-tip.

Oh, and then there was the one who processed stool samples. Worst part of that one, she said — if you’re going to mail people large manilla envelopes and ask for a sample, you really really need to define what you mean by “sample.”


Comment from LesterIII
Time: September 10, 2012, 11:05 pm

Boobs, breasts, tits, knockers… whatever you choose to call them, are NOT laundry and should not be run through a mangle. It is my sincere hope that a better procedure becomes the norm for such screenings for all you ladies out there.

Except Pelosi. Start at her toes…

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: September 10, 2012, 11:09 pm

They didn’t smash as hard this time. It was quite bearable. I don’t know if that means the machines are better, or the scan is worse.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: September 10, 2012, 11:29 pm

Had yer tits groped by the Terminator, eh? Sounds almost as painful and embarrassing as a prostate ultrasound. ESPECIALLY when an attractive member of the opposite sex is performing the exam…

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: September 11, 2012, 12:43 am

Yet another reason I’m glad I’m not a woman. The level of maintenance involved is just too high, not to mention complex and painful, and we haven’t even gotten to wearing high heels yet.

Still, we guys don’t escape everything. For a recent physical they did a procto exam… As “we” prepared, my doctor asked me how I was doing, and I responded that I was doing OK but not looking forward to the ‘Silver Bullet’.

My doctor laughed reassured me, ” Oh, we don’t use the ‘Silver Bullet’ anymore. That’s old technology.” He smiled. “Now we use ‘The Black Stallion’.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: September 11, 2012, 1:08 am

@Veg – Either way, you’re gonna get screwed!

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: September 11, 2012, 4:25 am

There are a lot of different procedures and techniques in medicine that are positively 19th century still, and they show no signs of wanting to change anything. Its absurd, but medicine is slow to change or accept new ideas, more so than just about every business.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: September 11, 2012, 10:41 am

I’ve said this forever, Christopher. If somebody came up with less painful, less humiliating diagnostics, doctors wouldn’t be interested. Debasement is part of the treatment.

Witness their fetishistic attachment to the stethoscope — a 19th Century bit of kit if ever there was one.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: September 11, 2012, 4:53 pm

I’m at the age where I need to start seriously thinking about getting a colonoscopy. It’s not the thought of someone having a shufti up my backside that’s worrying, but the 24 hour prep period. The Wikipedia page for bisacodyl is grimly hilarious. If they ever invented a genuine tricorder, the quacks would be up in arms.

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: September 11, 2012, 5:15 pm

Weasel girl, if 9/11 has you down too much, watch this. Its especially appropriate for you today: The Coldstream Guards on 9/12.


Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: September 11, 2012, 6:23 pm


So much for maintaining my composure.

Comment from Kill All Them Waddymelluns
Time: September 11, 2012, 7:34 pm


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: September 11, 2012, 8:13 pm

As for stethoscopes, they’re pretty handy for automobile diagnostics. Instead of a diaphragm, you have an open tube, but it makes it very easy to pinpoint the source of noises. I’d assume it works fairly similarly for humans, & until they invent a listening robot with decades of experience hearing weird gurgles from inside nervous people, I’ll put up with the old, effective tool.

Comment from J.S.Bridges
Time: September 11, 2012, 8:45 pm

Worst part about that crammin’- er, grammin’ mammys is,…a disturbingly-substantial percentage of the time, it doesn’t help at all!!

Case in point: My late spouse discovered a very palpable (and, we were to find out soon, fairly fast-growing) near-thumb-tip-sized lump in her left breast one evening while doing her semi-monthly self-exam – less than one month after her latest twice-a-year mammogram had allegedly found her to be free and clear! That was in January, 2006 – one week later, a needle biopsy revealed three distinct varieties of cancerous/precancerous cells – she had a lumpectomy two weeks after that, followed (due to the after-surgery findings) a month later by a unilateral mastectomy.

And we had been pretty vigilant – I’ve a prior history of cancer myself, and her family had a history of it as well; her mother had two bouts with it, ten years apart, and died from the second go-round – so it was a real shock to us that it hadn’t been found in the mammogram process.

As mentioned, it unfortunately proved to be a fast-moving situation. Even with the surgeries and several rounds of heavy chemotherapy, some micro-metastases managed to escape, and lodge in her liver – and she lost the struggle just over 30 months after she first found that initial lump herself.

Mammography, unpleasant as it is (and believe me, I sympathize – having any part of one’s “private bits” put – literally – through the wringer is definitely an oucher!), unfortunately doesn’t always work as well as you’d like to think it does.

Word up to the ladies: Practice regular self-examination – the life you save can, quite literally, be your own. The earlier you find something like that, the better, by far.

Just like ol’ Roseann Rosannadanna’s Old Daddy used to say, its all-l-l-ways something –

(And, as it turned out, Gilda Radner knew that, too – cancer got her, too, unfortunately)

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: September 12, 2012, 2:32 am

None of us is getting out of this alive. You can practice the most vigilant preventive maintenance on your body–and get run into by a drunk on your way to work Tuesday morning. That said, yes, indeed, being reasonably vigilant about what you do to (and put into) your body, and what it is saying to you is a good thing. In the end, though, it is the precaution you didn’t take that will get you. Because, in the long run, the odds favor the house.

Pingback from Having Nothing, I Look to Those Who Do « Innocent Bystanders
Time: September 12, 2012, 5:13 am

[…] Weasel has a mammogram, NHS […]

Comment from Oceania
Time: September 12, 2012, 9:04 am


Comment from The Jannie
Time: September 12, 2012, 11:50 am

I was reminded of the rectal camera invasion I had shortly after the last census. The(female)operators wondered why I burst out laughing while they were busy invading. I had to explain that I had suddenly wondered what they put on the census form under “what did you do at work today”.

Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: September 12, 2012, 1:07 pm

Good health is the slowest rate at which we die.

Comment from egd
Time: September 13, 2012, 2:44 pm

During a prostate exam, when the doctor asks “do you feel anything uncomfortable” answering “yes, you have your finger up my ass” is apparantly not appreciated.

I suspect “you’re squashing my tits, of course I’m uncomfortable” is similarly inappropriate.

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: September 13, 2012, 3:46 pm

Dame Weasel,

so you went to the mammary mauler wearing your human costume but when the costume went off, (a la the jeweler’s body hosting an alien in MiB) did they charge you extra for 3 rows of glands?

did the technician say “oopsie daisy, I will need to use our smallest frame, it’ll be just a second to swap”.

Comment from TehSchlippy
Time: September 22, 2012, 12:14 am

Lol. I’m glad I don’t have tits. Sorry. But that graphic’s hillarious and exactly fitting with what I’ve seen my poor missus have to go through.

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