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Uncle B brought home a special holiday cold from London last week, and I thought just maaaaaaybe I’d avoided catching it.


How bad is it? My skin hurts.

How bad is it? I couldn’t even be arsed to take my own picture of wadded up tissues; I pinched this one off the internet. Not that we’re posh enough to use actual tissues — it’s store brand paper towels for our plebian snouts.

Brits call paper towels “kitchen roll.” They call Nyquil “Night Nurse.” See? Even in agony, I impart unto you secret expatriate knowledge.

Also, we’ve invented a thing we call a snot log. We take the empty paper towel tube, stuff it with all the used bits and throw it on the fire. One roll’s worth per tube — the finished log weighs about two pounds and burns with a merry light.

Oof. Can y’all make your own fart jokes without me for a while? Ta.


Comment from dissent555
Time: November 29, 2012, 12:23 am

Tea and chicken soup for the both of you!!

Comment from Redd
Time: November 29, 2012, 12:24 am

Night Nurse sounds dirty.

Comment from Mitchell TAFKAEY
Time: November 29, 2012, 12:37 am

Dunno if y’all have Kleenex over there, but they’ve introduced Cool Touch™ tissues. They actually do feel cool to the touch! And they’re very soft. Highly recommended.

Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: November 29, 2012, 12:45 am

Aww, hope you both feel better soon. My little one is feeling icky as well; he’s getting regular breathing treatments for his wheezing and coughing. I am about to start the always-arduous process of figuring out what he might deign to eat tonight…

Comment from JeffS
Time: November 29, 2012, 12:59 am

Bummer. Hot toddies are highly recommended.

Comment from Pablo
Time: November 29, 2012, 1:27 am

The snot log is both unspeakably vile and gut-bustingly hilarious. I doff my cap to you.

Comment from Mrs Compton
Time: November 29, 2012, 2:55 am

I would suggest Uncle B wear a surgical mask and gloves the next time he goes into that vile place called London. Dirty place it is!! As for me, I’ve become insane about washing my hands, I just know the terrorists have developed some sort of thing they’ll be smearing all over for us to touch that will turn us into musloids or a pool of goo.

I would rather be goo.

Feel better.

Comment from Oceania
Time: November 29, 2012, 3:11 am

The snot secretion is probably due to Fukushima.

Comment from Rich Rostrom
Time: November 29, 2012, 3:25 am

Night Nurse… a very interesting 1931 movie starring Barbara Stanwyck, as a nurse who takes the night shift in the hospital ER. Pre-Code, so it has some surprising elements. Clark Gable plays the villain; there’s a doctor character who might as well be wearing a sign around his neck reading “hophead”; the “good guy” is a friendly bootlegger. (1931, remember – Repeal was two years away. One doesn’t see many movies made during Prohibition.)

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: November 29, 2012, 3:34 am

…maybe it’s the Rage virus like in 28 Days Later and you’re turning into a zombie!…it started in London!

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: November 29, 2012, 3:46 am

Dame Stoat,

If my army surgeon credentials were still valid, I’d prescribe you an extra rare bunny backstrap to boost your immune system, plenty of protein, iron and a slight tryptophane high.

Now that you are safely in the land of glorious NHS, Britannia’s largest employer, they will fix that in no time flat.

Here in ‘Murka, the old healthcare system gotten purged due to oppressive lack of diversity, so under new management, if you have a migraine or summat, the medicine man and his capable assistant will see you now:

I be figurin’ how to put the soundtrack of that clip on my iBamaFone Verizon groid.

Comment from Paula Douglas
Time: November 29, 2012, 4:02 am

Whiskey, honey, and lemon juice, hot. It won’t do crap for your cold, but you’ll care less.

Comment from JuliaM
Time: November 29, 2012, 5:54 am

Definitely chicken soup. Mr Fox says ‘No rabbit for you!’:


Get well soon.

Comment from Oceania
Time: November 29, 2012, 5:55 am

I see someone above is posing me. Nice to see that Imitated – but never Beaten!

For all those here that ever wondered about 9/11, and what was going on, watch this video. It is UNLISTED on Youtube for a reason.


Comment from Oceania
Time: November 29, 2012, 7:21 am

Would Sweasel like a special shipment of Oceania’s home grown activated Manuka Honey?

Comment from Pupster
Time: November 29, 2012, 1:14 pm

Ugh. Nothing worse than a snotty weasel.

Feel better soon.

Comment from Wolfus Aurelius
Time: November 29, 2012, 2:21 pm

My snot log burns at both ends;
It gives a gross green light;
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends,
It will not last the night.

Comment from mojo
Time: November 29, 2012, 3:54 pm

Throw another snot log on the fire…

Comment from Deborah
Time: November 29, 2012, 4:47 pm

I hope British kitchen roll paper towels are softer than American brands. Your poor snouts! And the neuralgia—that’s the worst! A cup of oatmeal in your bath water will help soothe those frayed nerve endings. I put it in a thin sock or a knee-high stocking. I hope you and Uncle Badger will be feeling better soon.

(Remind me to buy a case of Kleenix. Remind me to use my neti pot every day. Remind me to buy some whisky, and some more gin. Remind me to stay out of the city.)

Comment from Bob Mulroy
Time: November 29, 2012, 5:45 pm

Quinine water will stop the skin pain. Avoid gin when you have a respiratory infection though.

I was eating my oatmeal and poached eggs while I read about your ‘snot log.’ Thank you.

Comment from Jick Gibblets
Time: November 29, 2012, 11:07 pm

Comment from Oceania
Time: November 29, 2012, 5:55 am

Thats funny.
People can claim anything..and thats some ufo/satchquatch stuff.
Thanks for the giggle.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: November 29, 2012, 11:24 pm

Yes, in winter there is always chance,
For the Devil’s deadly friends to dance
And so influenza pirouettes about our rooms
Dancing, prancing, spreading doom.
Influenza here, pneumonia there,
The dancers of death waltz everywhere.
Soon you too are tangoing cheek to cheek
Finally realizing that your chances are bleak

And that you’ll dance dance dance until you swoon
And ask the band to play a slower tune-
they’ll play a funeral dirge as you gasp for air
But your dancing partner doesn’t care
He’ll demand a faster beat
Something to sweep you off your feet
So the night’s last dance is the Dansa de la Mort
You’ll spin faster and faster as your breath comes short
Till finally your breath doesn’t come at all
And your dance with death ends when you fall

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: November 29, 2012, 11:31 pm

Just what I needed. Cheering-up! 😉

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: November 29, 2012, 11:37 pm

Anonymous would be me. My Antivirus alway wipes out all my user names and passwords when it runs. I guess that’s a good thing.

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: November 30, 2012, 12:17 am

At least you get to die dancing Uncle B. Usually they just beat you to death…. just sayin’

Comment from Nina
Time: November 30, 2012, 2:17 am

Yeah. Kitchen rolls. About the size of TP.

Here in ‘Merica, we have full size paper towels, yes we do.

Feel better!

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: November 30, 2012, 3:35 am

Not to worry, Stoatie. I’ve been making them all evening. My Co-Workers, however, are less than amused. LOL

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