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Saving the Great Hamster of Alsace


Some say the European Union is useless, but think again! Brussels is all that stands between the Great Hamster of Alsace and total annihilation. The Great Hamster (or European Hamster), Cricetus cricetus — an animal substantially less fictional than the Giant Rat of Sumatra — has been on the endangered list since 1993. At which point French farmers (presumably) stopped giving sweeties to children in return for severed paws and tails.

But the little blighters are still in decline. France no longer grows so much of the hamsters’ favorite foods — wheat, barley, alfalfa and cabbage — in favor of the more lucrative corn. Great hamsters fucking hate corn.

So what can the EU do about that? It can by-god impose fines on the French government, that’s what! €68,000 per surviving hamster, that’s what! If that doesn’t work, they’ll set up a training program to teach hamsters to eat corn. That’s what.

Y’all think I make this shit up, don’t you?


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 30, 2009, 8:02 pm

If YOU want to get involved, join Sauvons le Grand Hamster d’Alsace. But you need to speak Frog.

Comment from Nicole
Time: June 30, 2009, 8:31 pm

Erm…if they are gonna fine per live hamster, isn’t that an incentive to wipe out the remaining critters? Zero hamsters x 68k = 0 fine, right?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 30, 2009, 8:33 pm

I found the particulars of that a little hard to work out, Nicole.

Comment from Rodent
Time: June 30, 2009, 8:36 pm

“Y’all think I make this shit up, don’t you?”
No, dear, we’d never think that. About you. About most politicians, on both sides of the pond? Yes, it’s all made-up-shit.

“hopes a fine of up to £14.5m will encourage the French government to take better care of an endangered rodent”
Actually, that sounds like a fine idea. Perhaps I’ll send a nice note to the EU and get added to the list.

Comment from Rodent
Time: June 30, 2009, 8:37 pm

And where the heck is our scubakitteh update?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 30, 2009, 8:39 pm

Haven’t heard from Scoob in a while. It’s Summer. I have a bad feeling he started to smell like Friskies…and…well…let’s hope his next of kin finds the kittehs before they’re finished.

Comment from Rodent
Time: June 30, 2009, 9:10 pm

“next of kin…kittehs”
Yes, we figure that if it’s summer they’ll claw their way through a window screen after they’ve picked our bones clean.
In winter I guess they have to wait until the bear knocks hard enough on the back door to open it.

Comment from JeffS
Time: June 30, 2009, 9:16 pm

“Y’all think I make this shit up, don’t you?”

A couple years ago? Yes, I would have.

These days? No more.

Comment from EZnSF
Time: June 30, 2009, 11:21 pm

According to the article, rodent is an immigrant from, what, 600 years ago? About the same time the first Europeans infested North America? A more pessimistic person would find it odd how, after all this time, one is a ‘protective native’ and the other is a plague (at least in some circles). A more pessimistic person would also wonder if wheat, barley, and cabbages are wild crops for which residential subdivisions should be leveled to insure such floras continue propagating without human interference.

Perhaps a more pessimistic person would just hold their head in their hands and sob.

Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: July 1, 2009, 8:55 am

We can always hope the scourge of global warming may boost their numbers! France needs more rodents. And Sherlock may have a hidden supply in the south of England at his bee haven, look around.

In the 50’s, Frenchman looked down their noses at the American soldiers who ate corn, as that was “pig food”. My, times have changed.

Comment from apotheosis
Time: July 1, 2009, 10:19 am

“Great” hamster, pshaw. When I was a kid I only had a pretty good hamster, and she LOVED corn.

Leave it to a French hamster to adopt uncharacteristically snooty airs with regard to its diet.

Comment from Allen
Time: July 1, 2009, 11:53 am

Ah, how sweet it is, the irrationality of the left comes full circle. Why, it’s the “Circle of the Left” cue singing hamsters.

The French farmers are growing the corn because of the subsidies for ethanol (to satisfy the warmingweenies.) Which in turn endangers the habitat of the Big Fucking French Hamster (BFFH.) The French try to give subsidies to the farmers for growing wheat to satisfy the bioweenies. The bioweenies complain to the EU who then threaten the French.

Dear Lord I love left on left full contact jiu jitsu.

And the BFFH shall inherit Alsace.

Comment from Oldcat
Time: July 1, 2009, 1:40 pm

You’d think if you wanted more hamsters, you’d pay the farmers and the townsfolk in the subdivisions to put down hamster chow for them. It’d be cheap, and effective too.

No wonder its nowhere on the list.

Comment from scubafreak
Time: July 1, 2009, 2:09 pm

Nope, still…. OW! SHARP CLAWS!! alive, although the kittehs……. PIGPEN, GET YOUR BROWNEYE OUT OF MY FACE!!!! are getting REALLY play…. YOUCH!!! MY ANKLE HAS CLAWS IN IT!!! full. It’s also hard getting good picks when….. STEELE, GET YOUR CLAWS OUT OF MY GROIN!!!!! they keep piling all over me for attention every time…….. HEY, MY KNUCKLES ARE NOT KIBBLE!!!!!! I go into the room to visit them. I finally put in an ad to find them homes…… AHHH, QUIT CLIMBING BARE SKIN!!!!! but it doesn’t go out until next week. Anyone wanting dibs better get you bids in now!

Comment from wendyworn
Time: July 1, 2009, 3:04 pm

Hmmmm. I guess the EU really thinks we are all so stupid as to believe this “GREAT HAMSTER” of a story.

I wonder what the French governement has done (really) to piss off the EU so.

Inquiring minds would like to know.

Comment from Schlippy
Time: July 2, 2009, 4:23 pm

Looks rightly like my dear old Lord Fuzzbutt. He’s got similar dark highlights around his jowels, though perhaps a bit smaller, and well more fuzz about his rear.


Yes I’m in my 30’s and own hamsters. For someone still in apartments saving for a house, they don’t bark, scratch the sofa or shit on the carpet / bed / clothes hamper (unless you fall alseep on the sofa and they get loose for too long.)

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