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It’s like a flipping ZOO around here…

Hedgehog. Uncle B spotted him in the garden around midnight last night.

The gloves aren’t because they bite, nor even because of the spines. The danger with hedgies is apparently the fleas — they carry lots of not nice diseases.

I’ve never seen one in the wild before. There weren’t any in the section of London where we were. It’s bigger than I expected — the only ones I’ve ever seen were the pigmy ones people keep as pets.

Poor sweet little bugger just rolled up in a prickly ball and prayed for release.

And — finally! — EZnSF wins the Dead Pool! Art Linkletter is currently filming the premier episode of Beelzebub Says the Darnedest Things.

You know the drill, EZ — if you want the dicks, you have to cough up a snail mail address. If you don’t want the dicks, you are wise beyond your years. Whatever they are.

As per usual, the next installment of the Dead Pool begins Friday at 6pm GMT. What time is that where you are? How the hell should I know? What am I, your mother?


Comment from Gromulin
Time: May 26, 2010, 10:59 pm

Does Uncle B. frequent the garden ’round midnight often? Snail patrol?

Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: May 26, 2010, 11:16 pm

Sorta kinda cute nose.

What you can see of it anyway.

Does it help to bathe ’em before you stick ’em back under the hedge?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 26, 2010, 11:18 pm

We both tiptoe into the garden frequently of an evening. We’re far outside any city light pollution; the sky here is spectacular.

And there are the critters…

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 26, 2010, 11:45 pm

Kewl. Just dash a little flea and tick medicine on him and send him on his way. Maybe he’ll be more appreciative of you when he realizes that you make his ichies go away…..

congrats EZ. Personally, I forgot who the heck I had picked out…..

Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: May 26, 2010, 11:46 pm

Congrats EZnSF! Enjoy your well-earned dick.

An Interesting Fact about hedgehogs is that they can never be buggered at all.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 26, 2010, 11:59 pm

I object to ermine described as vermin, Enas!

Do you remember the lines from Elton John’s Country Comfort? “…The hedgehog’s done in clay between the bricks…”?

Gypsies cooked and et hedgehogs by coating them in clay and putting them in the fire.


Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: May 27, 2010, 12:02 am

I’ll set my alarm, as I’ll be kicking off a 3 day bacchanalia about that time on Friday. Wish y’all were gonna be there!

Comment from steve
Time: May 27, 2010, 12:20 am

EZnSF, the SOB, stole my Art Linkletter pick, and won with it….

Sucks rocks….that’s what that does.

Comment from Andrea Harris
Time: May 27, 2010, 12:23 am

I thought Art Linkletter died years ago. That would make him, oh, the fifth person who died within the past year or so that I had no idea was (up until their actual demise) still alive. What can I say, I don’t track the celebrity figures of my childhood.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 27, 2010, 12:32 am

I’ve got dicks to spare, steve. I stocked up on them when I didn’t know where to find them, and they’re all going out of date on me. Want a couple?

You can have some, and welcome. But you have to say, “yes, Weasel — I would really love to have a dick!”

Say it…SAY IT!

Comment from rustbucket
Time: May 27, 2010, 12:37 am

yes, Weasel – I would really love to have a….wait a minute, I’ve one of my own, but my lovely bride may want one of her own.
Does that count?
Nothin’s worse than an out-of-date dick, or so I’ve heard.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: May 27, 2010, 1:10 am

UB (stumbling from beneath a tangle of backup drives, dongles and wires): “Hedgehogs? I swear, one of these nights, I’m going to find a werewolf out there!

He was a cute little bugger, though I bet he staggered home, complaining about the flashing lights and trying to remember whether the two aliens had given him an anal probe.

In passing. you have never seen anything get its shoes on and sprint out of the house faster than Her Stoatiness, offered the chance to meet a new critter….

It’d be cute. If it didn’t threaten to melt the enamel off your teef…..

And now, back to, um, backups….. Why, it’s only 2 am!


Badger sez: Institute an international death penalty for mal/ad/virus writers. Executions to be performed, live, on international TV and carried out by the time-honoured method of hanging, drawing and quartering.

All agreed?

Comment from steve
Time: May 27, 2010, 1:10 am

I don’t know why this is….but somehow I believe that there is a substantive difference between winning a spotted dick, fair and square, and telling someone “…I would really love to have a dick!”….IYKWIMAITYD…

BTW….being all Englishified and stuff, by now (as I’m sure you are) you would know this….

Just what happens to old dick when it goes out of date? Does it go limp?

And finally….I believe (and hope) that when (if?) I find my next Art Linkletter, and win the death pool, I will win a fresh spotted dick….

I don’t know exactly how one explains to the health care professionals that the stomach aliment in question was as a result of eating an old, out of date, spotted dick….

And I don’t wish to find out….

But, consider that, with it all threatening to go out of date on you…perhaps you may be finally getting your fill of dick over the next few weeks….

Comment from Gromulin
Time: May 27, 2010, 1:18 am

All agreed?

…and if it were pay-per-view, we could wipe out the entire global debt in just a few months!

Comment from PatAZ
Time: May 27, 2010, 1:38 am

Put the dicks in the freezer. That’s stops the aging process.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 27, 2010, 1:41 am

UB, i prefer impaling myself, but if you REALLY want to get nasty about it, build a Bronze Bull and roast them….


Comment from armybrat
Time: May 27, 2010, 2:12 am

My first professional job was at an institution for the profoundly retarded. Some beautiful old limestone buildings, lots of open ground. I used to sit on the patio at lunch and watch the hedgehogs play and do ….um, well, what hedgehogs do to make baby hedgehogs.

Comment from EZnSF
Time: May 27, 2010, 2:16 am


Steve, sorry for dick-blocking ya bro. But I stole it fair and square!

Hey! I’ve tried stranger things than dick. Some of it even past its expiration date. I look forward to taking dick to lunch at the office. And if I don’t like it, I know a couple of coworkers who would love to get their lips around it. I’ll send you all some photos. Oh yeah, there will be photos.

Thanks Stoats

Comment from Deborah
Time: May 27, 2010, 2:37 am

Spotted Dick. I’d keep it on the mantle for a conversation piece.

Did Charlotte see the hedgehog?

Comment from Ric Locke
Time: May 27, 2010, 3:25 am

Uncle Badger,

You are far too kind and softhearted.

The correct remedy would be to find the malware writer’s place of normal occupation; surround it with SAS or/and USSF; kill everybody there, destroy anything and everything that looks like it might contain microelectronics or store data in any form, blast the building to rubble, soak the rubble in Diesel fuel, and set it afire.

It would probably have to be done twice.


Comment from Og
Time: May 27, 2010, 3:41 am

UB. What is the cumulative suffering virus writers wreak? If you steal 2-8 hours from the lives of several million people it’s a huge crime. But it’s non-violent and the damage is distributed. Is there a historical equivalent? Seriously, how can you deter this?

Scubafreak. When I first heard about that Bronze Bull on some Discovery Channel program it really creeped me out.
More so than hearing about other horrible executions. Don’t know why, maybe because it was easy to imagine myself in the bull. And then everyone hearing your screams as the bull roaring. UGH! Re-creep!

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 27, 2010, 4:00 am

Og – tell me about it, I watched the same program and had nightmares about it for days afterward…..

Comment from gebrauchshund
Time: May 27, 2010, 5:01 am

I’m in general agreement regarding the virus writers, but I would prefer the method of execution to be repeated blows to the head with a ball-peen hammer.

Leastways that’s how I imagine it if I get to be the executioner.

Comment from apotheosis
Time: May 27, 2010, 5:56 am

Did someone already post this?

Seemed relevant.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: May 27, 2010, 6:16 am

When we didn’t have full-blown housing development out the back of my parents’ house, we used to get Tiggy-Winkles in the back garden all the time. We’d put out saucers of milk and bread for them. They are adorable. I just wish night-vision gear hadn’t been £2000 a pop back then instead of something you can order from ThinkGeek as a stocking filler.

By the way, if you want to help woodland critters and don’t feel like forking over spondulicks to an organisation as thoroughly joined at the hip to the disgusting evictees from No. 10 as the RSPCA, then check out Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital.

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: May 27, 2010, 6:59 am

I was looking through a How To Raise Hedgehogs book in Book World, in Wisconsin Dells, and was amused to read, under the breeding section, “the male carefully mounts the female”, yes, I bet he does.

Uncle Badger, I believe that your policy on malware and virus creators can be endorsed by us American Badgers, wholeheartedly.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: May 27, 2010, 9:40 am

As I seem to be on a roll with my Draconian measures policy, here’s Item 2 of ‘what Uncle Badger will do now he’s in charge’.

On the grounds that (whatever they claim) any credit card company passing a payment knows to whom that payment is made, and so on, all down the line, henceforth, any company selling products via unsolicited bulk e-mail shall be subject to attack, without prior notice, by cruise missile.
And any credit card company passing payments to spammers, or refusing to reveal the location of the recipients, shall be subject to a fine of not less than 1,000,000 times the value of each transaction per incident .

I’d call it the ‘fried spam act’. It’d only be rough for the first few days…

Comment from Bill (still the .00358% of your traffic that’s from Iraq) T
Time: May 27, 2010, 1:30 pm

All agreed?

Impalement on a stake with a barbed wire wrap, then after an 8-inch slide, yanked off with a noose, then tossed into the bronze bull until medium rare (beating on the exterior with a ball-peen hammer all the while), then placed on the rack for the drawing and thumb-removal with wire-cutters, then finally tossed into a windowless room containing rabid, recently-buggered hedgehogs.

Unless I got the virus, too — in which case, I’d be very, *very* angry…

Comment from steve
Time: May 27, 2010, 2:23 pm

to Ric Locke:

While your approach certainly has a certain merit….

It just doesn’t seem to go the full Kaiser Soze,

Comment from bad cat robot
Time: May 27, 2010, 4:40 pm

BillT is going in the right direction re virus-creator punishments, but I still think it could be improved by adding a step involving sandpaper and salty lemon-juice at some point in the proceedings.

Comment from Nicole
Time: May 27, 2010, 8:16 pm

Oh, that hedgehog requires a huge “squee!!!!” How cute! But I didn’t know they were plague carriers.

Comment from JuliaM
Time: May 27, 2010, 9:33 pm

Anyone have Gary Coleman in the dead pool?


Comment from Mr. Compton
Time: May 28, 2010, 2:36 am

What was I thinking? I sat next to the guy on a plane 5 years ago, and he was old as dirt. Next time I’m choosing the last celebrity with a personal problem endangering his life I sat next to on a plane.

Yes, David Cassidy, I’m talking about you.

Comment from Bob
Time: May 28, 2010, 6:45 pm

I sprinkle a bit of resmethrin chicken dust on my gloves and clothing when I have to work with wild things. One episode of Lyme disease was enough!

Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: May 29, 2010, 12:06 am

You should name him “Spiny Norman”.

No reason.

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