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Because government is evil, that’s why

dionne quintuplets

In times like these, when there’s so much bustle and turmoil and upheavel in my life, I often think, “hey, what the hell happened to the Dionne quintuplets, anyhow?” Because, let’s face it, my head isn’t wired up too good.

The Dionne quints were born on May 28, 1934 on a little farm outside of Moosetesticle, Ontario. They were the first identical quintuplets known to survive infancy, and it was a close run thing. They were two months premature. Their father was a poor man with five children already and suddenly found himself with ten of the hungry little bastards in the thick of the Great Depression.

There was a world’s fair going on in Chicago at that moment — the Century of Progress Exhibition — and Dionne (reluctantly, says Wikipedia) signed a contract to exhibit the quints, as soon as they were strong enough, in a special pavilion. The Canuckian public howled with outrage and the Ontario government took custody the following year, to protect the babies from exploitation.

Then they built a special amusement park called Quintland for the girls and their caretakers, so visitors could come watch them play behind mesh screens. I shitteth thee not. Six thousand people a day filed past to watch five little girls not get exploited by their parents. Viewing was free, but the gift shop (!) and general flow of visitors to Ontario netted an estimated revenue take of $51 million over the years. Then there were the movies and newsreels and product endorsements.

Their mother never gave up fighting to get them back. And I damn well don’t blame her. If I blew five watermelons out my hoo-hoo one dark and stormy night, I would expect ALL MANNER of earthly reward. She won custody eventually, but by this time they were nine years old.

Nine. They’d never gone to school or done chores or played with other children or seen a member of the family. They’d barely left their little wire mesh freak show at all. They’d known nothing but nurses and the noisy shadows moving in the darkened space behind the wire.

Not surprisingly, it didn’t work out too good. Nothing did, ever after. I’m guessing, considering B.F. Skinner and all, they were just this side of squirrel-poop crazy.

They never adjusted to family. One by one, the quints died. All the ones who lived long enough developed epilepsy. They were desperately poor when the surviving three finally won a settlement of $4 million Canuckian, in 1998. It’s down to Cecile and Annette now.

Isn’t that a heartwarming tale of government stewardship?

Further reading: the CBC, Wikipedia and a short Real Media clip from the Canadian Film Board.


Comment from BGG
Time: November 15, 2007, 8:53 pm

I guess these days we have Discovery Health Channel to exploit families with a bazillion matching offspring. Probably a more profitable situation for the families than having a government do it though. But will some of those kids grow up and be pretty pissed off that their childhood was viewed by a bazillion popcorn-chewing TV watchers? I think so, yeah.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: November 15, 2007, 9:56 pm

Moosetesticle, Ontario.

If I were born in a place with a name like that, I would go epileptic too. It would drive me to drink.

Comment from porknbean
Time: November 15, 2007, 9:59 pm

It took them until ’98 to get compensated and the government made a bazillion bucks off of them. Sheesh.

Makes you wonder where all of the money from this sort of exploitation and taxation for universal healthcare goes to.
I want to see everyone’s financial records.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 16, 2007, 5:44 am

It might actually have been a place called Corbeil near Callander, McGoo. But it rhymes with Moosetesticle.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: November 16, 2007, 10:25 am

Um…I knew that.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: November 16, 2007, 10:57 am

Well, from their place of birth and their given and surnames, I’m guessing they’re French. So what’s the problem?

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: November 16, 2007, 12:41 pm

4 million in Canuckian money in 1998. That’s, what, 4 thousand US now?

Comment from Steve Skubinna
Time: November 19, 2007, 12:54 pm

Yeah, but that won’t happen here in the good ol’ Yew Ess of Ay. Our government is benevolent and goodhearted, unlike that faceless indifferent big state government in Canuckistan.

When all the kiddos are repatriated to their rightful places in HillaryCare Centers, freed finally from the baleful influence of their unworthy parents, they’ll be nurtured and taught and given all the sugar free nondairy tofu based ice cream they want until they grow up to be upstanding Stakhavonite workers.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 19, 2007, 1:10 pm

Oh, believe me, Steve…I don’t like our nannies any better. And don’t get me going on the Brits!

Say, are you really .mil?

Comment from Big Mike In Oz
Time: November 20, 2007, 4:21 am

It’s a good thing Clinton wasn’t in power while all this was going on. Lord only knows what “White House position” he would have hired 5 identical women for.

It’s not just the Canadians. It’s every God fearing, English speaking country on the planet.

The Brits, yes – they’ve tried to save all manner of savages from themselves by colonizing half the planet. I’m sure Pakistan, etc are extremely greatful for all their help.

Then there’s been a procession of US presidents trying to SAVE THE HELL out of poor little countries all over the place. Has anyone heard of Vietnam, Korea or Iraq?

But don’t forget Australia. Our federal government in all its wisdom has recently enacted a law that means our indigenous peoples, already the most disadvantaged 1st world indigenous population, will have a large chunk of their fortnightly benefits withheld to be used for garbage like food and clothing for the kids instead of grog and cigarettes.

Comment from Joe
Time: November 20, 2007, 6:45 pm

I was kinda hoping there really was a town named Moosetesticle. I don’t know why.

But thanks for killing the dream, McGoo.

Comment from Mariah
Time: November 25, 2007, 2:14 am

GET a LIFE! Oliva Dionne was not dirt poor. Most everone suffered during the depression. Only Emilie died of epilepsy.She died as other epileptic patients have of suffocation during a seizure. Marie died from a stroke. Yvonne died from cancer as did some of her non-quint siblings. The quint’s younger brother, Victor died earlier this year. One thing is for certain-there was nothing or no one before or since that could compare to the Dionne Quints.
Annette and Cecile deserve every cent of their compensation.

Comment from bour3
Time: November 25, 2007, 8:53 am

I’m certain the Canadian meant the best for all parties concerned.

Comment from bour3
Time: November 25, 2007, 8:54 am


Comment from Yoddel
Time: November 25, 2007, 9:08 am

Good intentions paved with, road to Hell is.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: November 25, 2007, 10:06 am

Umm.. is it me not having a clue what point Mariah is trying to make?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 25, 2007, 10:14 am

Hm. Bour3’s site is not, as I read it, Things I Made The Nate but, rather, Things Wot I Made Then Ate. Which, you know, intellectually…they’re probably pretty good. But…maybe it’s the photography…it looks more like “things I made and then ate on a dare.”

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 25, 2007, 10:15 am

Or “as part of a fraternity hazing ritual” maybe.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: November 25, 2007, 10:32 am

“Umm.. is it me not having a clue what point Mariah is trying to make?” -Uncle Badger-

It’s not you, Badg’. It confused the shit out of me.

But confusion is a familiar state of being for me, so no harm done. I barely noticed it.

Welcome back, Stoaty. I assume you drove, and I assume it was arduous. According to the weather predictions here, you got out just in time. ‘Course, it’ll just crap on you later in the week. Ya can’t win…

Model your dress for us, pretty please!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 25, 2007, 11:47 am

No, flew. It’s a 24-hour drive, door to door (and when I was young and stupid, I used to do it in one go).

You know, when that old lady catches up with me, she’s going to be REALLY PISSED that I’m wearing her clothes…

Comment from Anonymous
Time: May 22, 2008, 12:42 pm

they were born outside Callendar Ont,
you useless piece of shit ..

Comment from Anonymous
Time: May 22, 2008, 12:53 pm

who was it that said nothing like this happens in the U.S.?
thats a laugh .
americans are brain washed into thinking they’re the shit ,
that they were the “main part” of every world war, and that they just own.
guess what bud some STUPID FUCKING AMERICANS posted Hitler as time magazines MAN OF THE YEAR IN 1939 , which btw was the start of WW2, you know the one where 55 million people died ?
oh yeah and also the one were the U.S. sat on there ass for the first half, and then jumped in at the end to get some credit .
oh wait that was also WW1,
and everything else you fat fucks do.
i dont have anything against the U.S., but i dont like naive people.
since your one of the most illiterate first world nations why dont you guys stop listening to media bullshit thats let out by the government of Bush(haha), learn how to read, pick up a history book, and learn how your COUNTRY IS NOT BETTER THAN ANY OTHER and if anything its corrupted, brainwashed, and obese.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 22, 2008, 1:16 pm

WHOA! That is excellent! You’re my favorite commenter.

Post some more!!!

Pingback from S. Weasel
Time: May 22, 2008, 2:24 pm

[…] guys and your weak, punk-ass trolls! Behold, the mother tincture. From the Dionne Quints thread, the bacony stench of Canada: they were born outside Callendar Ont, you useless piece of shit […]

Comment from geoff
Time: May 23, 2008, 2:44 pm

I’m so touched by Anonymous’ rant, that I hereby nominate him for honorary Americanhoodiness. Then he can die a happy man.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 23, 2008, 3:07 pm

I’ll second that.

Nonie – write some more, please! your philosophy intrigues me. I have to confide to you: I agree with almost but not quite none of it. But don’t let that discourage you. I know you can convince me if you’ll try a bit harder.

Comment from pajama momma
Time: May 23, 2008, 3:31 pm

If anonymous was an American he’d be for “Hope” and “Change” I guess we’ll just have to settle for Mariah.

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