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What to get the woman who has everything

A honkin’ big boat.

I think the Telegraph is conflating two issues here. The government is proposing buying Her Maj a nice new £60M yacht for her Diamond Jubilee, but the picture shows the Royal Barge, which I’m pretty sure either exists already or will definitely exist. They’re pulling together a seven mile flotilla of a thousand boats to float down the Thames as part of the celebrations in June.

Only Victoria managed 60 years on the sparkly chair (that’s British monarchs; I don’t how many swarthy potentates from far-flung principalities might have made the grade). She reigned a further four years after that, so Liz only has to go another five years to be THRONE WINNAH!

We’re getting a four-day weekend (as if my whole life isn’t a weekend) and I’ve learned today we’ll have a party in our parish. There are little grants being handed out to individual parishes for the celebrations. So for the first time in my life, I shall feast and make merry on the coin of some uppity rich bastard in London. Just like a fairy tale.

If I get a move on, I can have my citizenship by then and be a proper English peasant.


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: January 18, 2012, 11:05 pm

And then you hunt down that little man in the boat and give him a fierce tongue-lashing, the likes of which will cause his head to glow purple.

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: January 18, 2012, 11:14 pm

I know the crown doesn’t mean much in England these days but I just don’t want to think of King Charles III. The other two sucked bad enough.

Comment from Redd
Time: January 18, 2012, 11:25 pm

Stoaty, if you have a tiara, now is the time to wear it.

Comment from Sven in Colorado
Time: January 18, 2012, 11:48 pm

With that attitude and bravado, y’all will always be a Yank at heart. Oooooooooh, and don’t forget to cook up some Boston Baked Beans, served with Samuel Adams Lager.

THAT, m’dear, will put a wicked twist in some Royalist’s knickers.

Comment from Ric Locke
Time: January 18, 2012, 11:54 pm

Stoaty, if you’re planning to be a British subject (not citizen; they don’t have those there) you’re going to have to get Uncle B coach you in some subtleties.

Things like stocking up on extra “u”s for words like colour, using “s” instead of “z” (“economise”, e.g.), and “-t” instead of “-ed”. Simple things like that might lead the examiner to think you aren’t serious.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 19, 2012, 12:15 am

Christopher Taylor – you’re not wrong. Ol’ jug ears is a horrifying prospect.

We can but hope one of his kids beats him to it.

Comment from Redd
Time: January 19, 2012, 12:18 am

Do all these celebrities married to brits get dual citizenship? Or, don’t they bother because they are rich and don’t get hassled?

Comment from JeffS
Time: January 19, 2012, 12:18 am

Stoatie, as you’re vying to be a British subject (vice Mr. Locke), are you drinking your beer at room temperature?

I don’t mind Guineas (or some facsimile thereof) served thusly, but other beers? No way!

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: January 19, 2012, 12:49 am

Just keep in mind that the quintessentially English H.W. Fowler said that, “. . . it appears that there is nothing to be said for tyre, which is etymologically wrong, as well as needlessly divergent from our own older & the present American usage.”

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 19, 2012, 12:59 am

Lots of “American” spellings are actually the original, old-fashioned spellings that *Brits* have departed from. So we’re the traditionalists, nyah!

Of all the things I could think to complain about here, JeffS, the beer ain’t one of them. It’s not really room temperature, it’s cellar temperature…and it’s mostly glorious stuff.

I don’t think naturalized citizens ever totally “get” their adopted country (unless they arrived very young). I will certainly sore thumb as an American forever. But I’m damned if I’ll live here and not have a vote.

It’s just a grain of sand, but it’s *my* grain of sand, and I will put it on the scales with the rest.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 19, 2012, 1:08 am

We have to put these things in perspective.

A US citizen gets to choose between Obama and (it would seem) Romney.

We Brits, on the other hand, have to make do with either Cameron or Milliband.

Um…. ‘douche or turd sandwich’ was that?

Comment from Allen
Time: January 19, 2012, 1:22 am

How’s that go? If you take the Queen’s shilling…

Afore ye know it, press gang. 🙂

Comment from Oceania
Time: January 19, 2012, 1:42 am

Most of the True Britons emigrated long ago … to better climes :p

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: January 19, 2012, 2:11 am

Umm, Huzzah?

Perhaps, they could throw this in as a 60th anniversary present.

Comment from Cobrakai99
Time: January 19, 2012, 2:23 am

Did, I hear pressgang? Is the Navy hiring? Slops they will take out of my pay and all the salt beef, salt pork, peas and hardtack you can eat. Plus free rum or beer if you are in port.

Comment from Pablo
Time: January 19, 2012, 2:41 am

Uncle Badger, one of his kids? Does he have more than the one? Or do y’all count the ginger?

Comment from Louis Le Roi Soleil
Time: January 19, 2012, 2:50 am

Bah, Elizabeth II and Victoria are pikers. 72 years and 101 days on the throne, English types!

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: January 19, 2012, 2:52 am

Um, Stoatie? Cleanup on aisle 13 in the last thread? The mess seems to be spreading, regrettably, fed by righteous indignation. . .

Comment from Rich Rostrom
Time: January 19, 2012, 3:08 am

Do the French count as swarthy?

Louis XIV of France: 72 years, 101 days

Actually swarthy:

Hirohito of Japan: 72 years, 13 days

Rama IX (Bhumibol) of Thailand: since 9 June 1946 – 65 years, 214 days

The Dalai Lama has reigned (or whatever) since 22 February 1940 – 71 years, 332 days, though most of that has been in exile. (He was only 23 when he fled to India.)

The nominal record holder is Sobhuza II of Swaziland: 82 years, 254 days (per Wiki).

Louis appears to be the record holder for a real sovereign king of a sovereign state. There are several German petty princes who outlasted him, and a couple of British-vassal rajahs but not anyone significant.

The next real monarch is Franz Joseph of Austria-Hungary: 67 years, 355 days.

Only five other real monarchs have made it to 60 years:

Victoria, 1837-1901
Ferdinand III of Sicily, 1759-1825
James I of Aragon, 1213-1276
Kangxi of China, 1661-1722
Qianlong of China, 1735-1796

Definition of a “real monarch”: one whose country is larger than a parking lot, and not under another country’s de facto control.

There are some Pharoahs and such claiming longer, but their dates are vague.

Comment from mojo
Time: January 19, 2012, 3:17 am

Always get a bonnet and a hood mixed up. To say nothing of the boot and trunk.

Comment from mojo
Time: January 19, 2012, 3:19 am

Do the French count as swarthy?

“The wogs begin at Calais.”

Comment from David Gillies
Time: January 19, 2012, 4:00 am

The old ‘citizen vs. subject’ thing you guys are banging on about is way out of date. You can be a subject without being a citizen but this is largely a historical oddity. I’m a British citizen, not a subject. You can tell this by the way it says ‘British Citizen’ on my passport.

Here’s the deal from the UKBA.

Comment from Redd
Time: January 19, 2012, 4:51 am

Um, Stoatie? Cleanup on aisle 13 in the last thread? The mess seems to be spreading, regrettably, fed by righteous indignation. . .

What’s he got? Tourette Syndrome?

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: January 19, 2012, 7:13 am

Dear Rich Rostrom,

Elvis is still the King & probably will be for quite a few more decades.

Comment from Oceania
Time: January 19, 2012, 8:42 am

I grew up not far from where the illigitimate son of George V grew up in NZ :p

American royalty is Paris ‘Herpes’ Hiltons Snatch.

Comment from Mike C.
Time: January 19, 2012, 9:19 am

£60M for a royal yacht? What, are they on sale at Marks and Spencer? That’s pretty cheesy for a reigning monarch. Why don’t they just gift her one of the new aircraft carriers that are in build? It’s not like the RN is going to be doing anything with them.

Comment from Ric Locke
Time: January 19, 2012, 11:31 am

David Gillies: Glad to hear it. All the British folk I’ve had much to do with who discussed the matter at all came down hard on the “subject” bit. I suppose I should have realized that it was self-selection, which always skews the sample. One of them was a Scot who also got quite forceful over the distinction between English and “Bri’ish”, with the apostrophe representing that odd, non-dental sound some Scots use for “t”. He probably supports Scottish independence these days.


Comment from steve
Time: January 19, 2012, 3:57 pm

@ mojo….

To say nothing about how careful you have to be when you use the words “fag” and “fannie”.

@ Stoatie…..

I thought you British subjects all were supposed to swill Pimms when you go out to watch the Royals pass by, in their car, coach, barge, sedan chair or whatever….

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: January 19, 2012, 7:33 pm

No disrespect meant, but will The Queen (long may she reign and all that) be allowed as a candidate in the deadpool, when the time comes? Assuming that the deadpool is still around, since her mother lived to be quite old, and the current monarch seems exceptionally spritely for someone who is 85. Honestly, Charles looks as old as she does.

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: January 19, 2012, 7:58 pm

I’ll attempt to adress three of the subjects in this thread in one sentence; said subjects being, the Queen’s yacht, divergences between English and American english, and, uh, whatever Stark is refering in the first post.

Drumroll please!

“Starks’s tongue-in-quim inuendo regarding the queen’s ‘boat’ in the first post calls for careful use of a rubber…”

I believe that Americans and Brits would read that sentence quite differently.

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: January 19, 2012, 8:24 pm

Cousin Badger, you confused me, I thought you were talking about Obama when you mentioned jug ears!

Comment from Oldcat
Time: January 21, 2012, 1:32 am

But having horrifying kings is kind of an English tradition. Its the Queens that you fall in love with.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: January 21, 2012, 2:33 am


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