Pudding!
Pudding! So cool. So creamy. So silky smooth.
I asked Uncle B to buy me a pudding cup for a prop (this being England, it’s called something gay like “trifle”). He said, “I still don’t understand this pudding thing.”
So I explained it to him.
He put on his best Colonel Mustard face and said, “firstly, you don’t have any balls. And secondly, I suspect this Ace person doesn’t have any balls either, or he would realize what an extremely unpleasant and dangerous experience that would be.”
Then he harumphed, brushed the deviled lamb’s kidney out of his mustache, rustled his copy of the Times and disappeared behind the Financial pages.
Yes, I’m whoring a t-shirt. Have a good weekend, everyone!
January 22, 2010 — 5:55 pm
Comments: 37
Nancy’s last chance to pass the health care bill
You are getting sleeeeeepy. Your eyes are getting heavvvvvvvvy. You suddenly cannot wait to vote for a career-ending massively unpopular honking huge entitlement program.
January 21, 2010 — 5:58 pm
Comments: 18
You might be a RINO
Here we go! It’s the run-up to the 2010 election — time for the foamy political ideologues and squishy middle-of-the-roaders in both parties to go after each other like hungover weasels in a rabbit hutch.
Fuck it. Civility is for afternoon tea with the Queen. Politics is a blood sport. Here goes:
If you’d rather be in power and actively steering the country in the wrong direction than out of power and pointing in the right direction you might be a RINO.
If you think Sarah Palin is — come on now, honestly — just a bit de trop you might be a RINO.
If you think the Tea Partiers are a muddled, ignorant rabble likely to flare out of control or give the party a bad name you might be a RINO.
If you think defining conservative principles and insisting candidates agree with them is a “purity test” — and a bad thing — you might be a RINO.
If you think it’s okay if the “Big Tent” is big enough to hold two people who agree on practically nothing at all, you might be a RINO.
If you think consensus and comity between members of opposing parties is an important political principle you might be a RINO.
If you think the Constitution is over two hundred years old and a lot has changed in that time you might be a RINO.
Come on, sock an elephant — it’s fun! Got any more? Say, isn’t that David Brooks over there, smirking at your alma mater?
January 6, 2010 — 6:53 pm
Comments: 34
You guys are the swellest!
Look what you got me for Christmas!
See, I brought my muscular desktop computer across the Atlantic, but not my funky old monitor. I promised myself a nice big flatscreen — as soon as I made enough money to pay for it. And now (thanks to what Uncle B laughingly calls my t-shirt empire) I have.
I intended to wait a little longer, but the big P’shops I’ve been doing for print are straining my poor old scruffy Thinkpad to its limits. Oh, and umm…sorry if I burned out anybody’s retinas. The screen on this laptop is so dull, I had NO IDEA how painfully I’ve been super-saturating color on the merchandise. Thank goodness the blog is in monochrome.
Anyway, thank you all very much. I’ll lay off’n you guys now. My next store is going to be aimed at crazy cat ladies.
Oh, yes. Yes, I am that low.
December 30, 2009 — 5:50 pm
Comments: 28
Captions?
Hmmm. I don’t know. My best so far is:
Only YOU can prevent Muslim crotch fires!
December 28, 2009 — 5:48 pm
Comments: 64
Rooting for the home team
Apologies to my GLBT readers. I do have gay readers, right? Because if you guys are shunning me, it probably means my blog design reeks.
I went to art school, as you know — the Rhode Island School of Design. Which means I’ve had more gay friends than Marilyn Monroe. Put together.
PAHahaha! I’ve waited thirty years to use that line again.
Anyhow, I don’t care what you do as long as you don’t do it to kids or animals. And I don’t have to watch. And you shut the hell up about it every once in a while, huh?
But it’s time again for Stoaty to launch an appeal to base tribalism and try to move some merchandise up in here. Why, yes! You can get this design on a dark shirt, a light shirt or a couple of different bumperstickers.
The tagline is something a very puzzled young weasel is supposed to have pointed out when her mother tried to explain the concept of homosexuality. Why did Mother explain homosexuality to a six-year-old? Because she was a Thoroughly Modern woman. With some Very Strange friends.
Good weekend, all!
November 20, 2009 — 7:11 pm
Comments: 48
Cross the line? Yes we can!
I used to feel kind of bad, poking fun at The One. But the bigger the dose, the badder the taste. There was this Boston Globe article over the weekend:
“I think that I’m a better speechwriter than my speechwriters,’’ he told campaign aides when he was running for the White House. “I know more about policies on any particular issue than my policy directors. And I’ll tell you right now that . . . I’m a better political director than my political director.’’
Ohhhhh…I really don’t like this man. I knew he was stuck on himself, but I didn’t realize he thought he was Barack Obama Sooper Genius. Maybe his staff isn’t letting him down, after all. Maybe he’s overruling them. With his mind.
Oh, and did you catch Kathleen Parker yesterday, pleading for more civility?
Kathleen, honey, we’ve been yelling obscenities at y’all this whole time. It’s just, now you can hear us.
November 16, 2009 — 9:38 am
Comments: 30
Mmmm mmmm mmmm. Thanks, Nancy!
220-215. No Congress has ever tried to ram through such a huge change with so little public support by such a narrow margin. Not since the run-up to the Civil War, anyhow. And so I don’t actually believe this healthcare shit sandwich will ever make it to law. It has a long, long way to go and it barely cleared the first hurdle.
It may be that the only outcome of Obamacare will be to ignite fifty percent of the country with incandescent antigovernment rage. You know, that nice fifty percent in flyover country who coach Little League, make Frito pie for their new neighbors and go to church more than once a week.
We may really and truly owe Nancy thanks for this turdburger.
Still, I thought some of y’all might like to write your congresswanker with some less amiable sentiments, so I made up a few handy postcards. They’re in the new section. Problem is, the one I think most appropriate — the Shit Sammich, above — is invisible unless you’ve gone into your Zazzle settings and upped them to at least PG-13. On account of the word “shit” being in there. But you can reach it from this direct link.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “jesus christ, you oily crapweasel, is there no end to this attempted picking of pockets?” Well, this time you’re wrong. This time. A postcard is a buck; my markup is nuffink. I’m just trying to help you express yourselfs with my beautiful arts, m’kay?
If you’ve got any bright postcard ideas, sing out in the comments.
November 9, 2009 — 3:38 pm
Comments: 24
Anybody seen that damn donkey?
Yeah, I was hoping for a Republican blow-out. I’m disappointed the Hoffman race wasn’t a win, but it was a squeaker. Reading around the web this morning, it seems everyone — right, left and gooey caramel center — is claiming NY-23 just goes to show everything I’ve been saying all along was dead right.
Me, I’m not sure you can draw much of a conclusion from an endgame that tight. Casper Milquetoast went from single digits to within two points of the win in a month. With the DNC clamped around one ankle and the GOP clamped around the other.
Anyhow, let’s take a moment and appreciate Virginia and New Jersey. Not for the wins, for the turning of the tide
November 4, 2009 — 2:50 pm
Comments: 32
Hey, morons!
I was going to post something triumphalist about today’s elections, but it occurs to me that the counts won’t be final for a while. And New Jersey is currently looking like a squeaker.
So why not another attempt to pick the pockets of my pretend internet friends? Yes, that’s right — new crap in my store! I got around to embiggening the Moronosphere News Network logo.
But, wait! There’s a twist! These designs are customizable to include the URL of your very own Moronblog! Just hit the “customize” button in the product information and type in your thang.
That’s right — I’m targeting you at your weakest point: your overweening vanity! WIN!
So whether you regard Ace as your blog’s baby daddy or not, I don’t care. Shit, I don’t care if you never heard of blogging. I’m just trying to con you out of a little scratch here.
But for chrissakes, morons — don’t forget to re-size and re-center the text after you change it, m’kay? I won’t have you getting moron all over my nice designs.
ADDENDUM: Uncle B is getting itchy about the Dead Pool. The prizes, I mean. We promptly mailed out all three and haven’t heard if any of them got there. Enas? Mongo? Princess B? If canned goods aren’t getting past Customs, we’ll have to re-think. (But a magazine surely would be okay).
November 3, 2009 — 9:08 pm
Comments: 25