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Weeee!

I’ve had a fetish for the rooftops of London since I made my poor mother take me to Mary Poppins, like, five freaking times. So I’m having great fun free-running the rooftops in Assassin’s Creed Syndicate. Victorian London. Nice.

The game is five years old now (I’m that cheap, yes), so the facial animations aren’t up to the current standard. But the sets – they have that nailed. Go on – click for the big color version. It’s purty.

I don’t usually play the female character, when there’s an option. The computer game fiction that a five-foot-nothin’ girly-girl can coldcock a giant hairy thug just using her adorable little fists…I mean, c’mon. Flying monsters? No problem. Magic spells? Fine. But enough is too much.

But Evie has a pointy stick. And a bitching wardrobe.

Only, it creeps me out how much she looks and sounds like someone I know.

Not talking about Twitter. That place is weird.

November 18, 2020 — 9:08 pm
Comments: 4

When I’m blue, I shoot people

I bet sales of computer games have gone through the roof! I know Steam has offered me several items on my wishlist at nice prices.

Like this one: Far Cry 5. Ubisoft did a clever marketing thing with it; I don’t know if you remember. When it was in development, word got out that your enemy in the game is a bunch of redneck religious nuts in Montana.

Well, the purple hairs loved this. If you’re not aware, computer games are yet another sphere of entertainment they are attempting to suck all the fun out of. The idea that you run around shooting MAGA-hatters delighted a certain chunk of the prospective audience and dismayed an even larger one. It was a tetchy time in 2018.

Then the game came out and it’s true: you shoot rednecks. But you also are a redneck yourself and all your friends and allies are rednecks. This is Montana; it’s rednecks all the way down.

We should have trusted the Far Cry series; it’s gloriously insensitive. You get money shooting endangered species and selling their bits. Not to mention shooting people. Lots and lots of people.

I’m having fun. I only wish I had a real gun 🙁

March 18, 2020 — 9:14 pm
Comments: 9

They make the most adorable sounds when they die

I finished the last of my antibiotics this morning. I don’t know if it’s the sickness or the medicine, but something has transformed my usual robustly lazy self into a still, tranquil lump of inert flesh. Man, I’m tired. I reckon one more weekend of bone idleness should set me on the road to recovery.

Or not. Whatever. I ain’t moving for two days.

To that end, I bought a little game: bad north. It’s a light strategy game from Sweden about Vikings murdering and pillaging your people, but the graphics are so adorable and the music is so catchy it makes genocide positively kawaii.

This is not big brain stuff. I think it’s available in phone edition, so it’s that kind of game. But after an hour or so of gameplay, I think this is a recommend.

Please join me in having an indolent and enjoyable weekend.

November 15, 2019 — 9:06 pm
Comments: 10

I saw a deer today

You probably don’t recognize the image, as I think we’ve established that few of you play vidya games. That’s GLaDOS, the artificial intelligence hardware/software system from Portal 2. At one point, she informs you that “I saw a deer today.” Probably to make you feel bad that you haven’t been outside the industrial complex you’re stuck in for an indeterminate but very long time.

You don’t see the deer in the game, though. That’s fanart I stole off Imgur. It’s not even my fan art.

But I did actually see a deer today. We were visiting someone who lives up a lane in the woods, and a doe ambled across the road in front of us. It was very special.

And with that, I’m going back to my fainting couch. Antibiotics working, but ever so slowly.

November 11, 2019 — 9:16 pm
Comments: 8

I bought me a basket today

Passed this in a junk shop window today and, for £10, had to have it. Don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but it’s a beaut.

Strapped it to my bicycle to get it home and, yes, came the Elmira Gulch jokes immediately. I know too many people in the town.

Zo! One of the perks when your Queen is also your Pope: no separation of church and state. I get a four-day holiday at Easter! Tonight, I am a happy bunny!

Don’t worry, though — I’ll be around at the usual time to post pointless crap. Hoorah!

In case you missed it: commenter peacelovewoodstock pointed me to this:

In light of the devastating fire at the Notre Dame de Paris, Ubisoft wants to give all gamers the chance to experience the majesty and beauty of the cathedral through Assassin’s Creed Unity on PC.

From April 17th at 15:00 to April 25th at 08:00 (your local time), you can download Assassin’s Creed Unity on PC for free here, and you’ll own it forever in your Uplay games library.

We encourage all of you who want to help with the restoration and reconstruction of the Cathedral to join Ubisoft in donating.

I’m currently finishing up Assassin’s Creed: Origins (set in ancient Egypt). I’m a fan of the Assassin’s Creed series. The story telling isn’t brilliant, but the painstakingly-recreated historic environments are just wonderful.

Unity is set during the French Revolution. It came out in 2014 to so-so reviews (technical issues on launch, looks like), but it looks mighty purty. I got mine. Get yours!

April 18, 2019 — 9:59 pm
Comments: 16

Happy New Year!

The pig is for generosity and wealth. Have at it, pig!

It is also the time of the Steam Lunar New Year Sale. Looks like everything on my wishlist is at least 70% off. Somehow, I don’t think this is the path to prosperity, pig!

I have superhuman restraint and I limited myself to one: Assassin’s Creed Origins, a purty open world game set in ancient Egypt.

And now it has downloaded. Goodbye!

February 5, 2019 — 9:08 pm
Comments: 10

Somebody ported Nethack to Steam!

I’ve posted about Nethack before. It’s one of the first dungeon slash-em-up games. It was the very first computer game I ever played and it ate a whole year of my life. Thirty four years later, it’s still the most fun game I’ve ever played.

Because even the very first PCs were capable of storing incredibly large and complex relationships between variables, which is “all” Nethack is.

Take the humble cockatrice. If you touch a dead cockatrice, you turn to stone. Fine, once you learn that, you never touch another dead cockatrice. You probably know better than to eat a tinned food ration that smells of cockatrice. Ah, but what if you fall into a pit on top of a cockatrice? Stone. What if you’ve been temporarily blinded and you’re feeling your way across the floor and suddenly, dead cockatrice? Stone.

But wait. But what if you have a pair of gloves? Can you run around poking monsters with a dead cockatrice and turn them into stone? Yes. Yes, you can. Just don’t trip and fall on it.

Under the hood, the formulae that create the dungeon and the monsters therein are incredibly complex. I could never work out some relationships from behavior alone. It wasn’t until I peeped at the source code that I began to understand how complicated a thing it really is.

Anyway, Steam reviewers are crying foul. Nethack is a giant cooperative labor of love and you’re not supposed to charge for it. There are plenty of places still to play it for free.

But I paid less than £4 for this version and, as far as I’m concerned, I’m not paying for Nethack. I’m paying for the dev’s effort putting it on Steam. It includes some light music and effects and a decent manual. And Steam achievements, if you care.

I paid for my very first version, too. It was technically to cover the cost of the floppy.

See? I play semantic games, too.

January 3, 2019 — 9:30 pm
Comments: 6

How bad is this thing going to kick my ass?

I know very few of y’all are gamers, but if there are any out there…while I’m waiting for this thing to download…how bad is The Talos Principle going to kick my ass?

It’s a puzzle game, see. And I’m not very good at those, and that makes me feel stupid, and that makes me feel sad. But it’s also really pretty and got good reviews, and Steam has the whole bundle at 79% off right now.

I didn’t buy the Portal games for years because I was afraid of the ass-whoopin’. (Also the fact that both protagonists in Portal are female made me suspect some kind of social justice shoehorn, but I was way wrong. Their bitchy relationship was one of the best things). Turns out, the puzzles weren’t that hard and the whole experience was one of my favorite works of fiction ever.

Anyway. Talos Principle. If I’m sad tomorrow, you’ll know it’s because I feel stupid.

November 6, 2018 — 7:43 pm
Comments: 11

Plus, you get a dog

dogmeat

Longtime sweasel commenter Ermine bought me a game. This astonished me, as I didn’t know anyone else could see my wishlist, let alone buy something on it. Thank you, fellow weasel!

Disclaimer: nobody else follow, pls! Most of the stuff on my wishlist isn’t stuff I actually want, it’s just games I’m keeping an eye on for one reason or another.

But Fallout 4 I really did want. Ermine is an open-worlds kindofa a mustelid, as am I, so he knew I’d like it.

And I do. I got frustrated the first few hours (I died and died and died), but eventually got a handle on it and am enjoying it muchly. It’s a shoot ’em up in post-apocalyptic Boston, which is fun. I can’t say I recognize many of the places, but I do the names.

I recognized part of the Freedom Trail, though, which really is set with red bricks in the sidewalk. I’d forgotten that!

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Games, I realized, remind me of incredibly vivid dreams: they feel like real and amazing experiences at the time, but they fade away, leaving mere wisps of memory.

Oh, well. Everybody’s got to waste time.

November 8, 2017 — 9:39 pm
Comments: 4

Return to Skyrim

skyrim

So Bethesda Softworks just released a version of Skyrim for PS4, five years after the original PC version. As part of the new port, they updated the background textures and decided to give PC players the newly refurbed version for free. Which is cool.

The new version is hilariously buggy. Well, the crashing all the time wasn’t so hilarious, but that was simple (if strange) fix: disable the Touch Keyboard process using Task Manager. (How people figure out these obscure bugs so fast, I do not know).

The funny thing is, I can tell the difference between the old textures and the new textures, I’m just not sure I prefer either one. Scroll down this article to see what I mean. They should call it Skyrim: Vaseline Edition.

Anyway. Don’t care. Happy to be playing this old favorite again. Anyone on Steam who hasn’t friended me yet, feel free. AuntieWeasel. Gives me the warm fuzzies to see you guys playing games instead of doing anything productive with your lives.

November 1, 2016 — 9:15 pm
Comments: 8