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Weasel’s lucky coon bone

lucky coon bone

This here’s a baculum. An os penis. A penile bone. Specifically, this is the peckerbone of a raccoon. I’ve carried it in my wallet for thirty years. For luck.

Somewhere along the line, the business end got broken, so I can’t demonstrate. But it’s worth remembering: if someone hands you a bone with one joint only, and you’re pretty sure it’s not a finger or toe bone, you can rest assured you are holding in your hands a winkiebone.

Most male mammals have an os johnson, including our closest animal relatives, the chimps. We are in a small group of boneless dickwielders, along with horses, marsupials and rabbits. We are, indeed, hung like horses. And/or rabbits.

Biologist Richard Dawkins thinks humans lost the os dingdong via sexual selection by females, since you have to be healthy to build and maintain a decent stiffy purely with hydraulics. By that logic, humans should’ve lost their leg bones and eyeballs and tongues as well, since you’d have to very fucking healthy to writhe around on the ground like a blind slug making “awoo” noises and still survive to mate. Me, I think evolution took them away when we began to walk upright. Otherwise that thing’d be whipping around slamming into stuff all the time.

Or possibly the devolution of human penis bones coincides with the evolution of pants.

There isn’t a word in Biblical Hebrew for skinflute, so some speculate that Eve was actually created out of Adam’s os tallywhacker. This would neatly explain both our modern lack of dickbonage and <insert your own woman/penis joke here, because I couldn’t think of a good one>.

The female homologue to the schlongbone is called the baubellum or os clitoridis.

Occasionally, modern human babies are born with an os peepee. They are surgically removed. (It seems more likely that it’s some sort of stray ossification than a proper, jointed and fully formed prickulum, though, don’t you think?)

I didn’t know half of this ten minutes ago. I cribbed it all from Wikipedia. Some day, I may have to rename this blog Stuff I Stole from Wikipedia but Hopefully Funnier.

My mother had a pair of earings made from coon bones. She said it was a way of swiftly identifying country boys (to what end, I do not know). She said a man who grew up hunting would invariably turn red and splutter, “ma’am — do you know what those are?”

And she’d say, “no, but somebody told me I’d look good between two of them.”

So over the years, people sent her various exotic specimens of pudbone. I remember an impressive one from a kodiak bear. And a walking stick made out of a bull’s wiener, stretched and dried. I wonder where they all ended up?

Anyhow, I’m not giving this one away. I just wanted to share.

And see how many words for pizzle I could think of off the top of my head.

And guarantee myself ALL KINDS of unfortunate Google traffic.

In conclusion, weasel porn!

July 31, 2007 — 1:52 pm
Comments: 106