sweasel.com

We’re telling jokes today?…okay, here’s one:

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there.”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!” The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

LOL!…I got it from here (NSFW, might be scary for some people): https://www.reddit.com/r/Whatcouldgowrong/comments/a566xc/bull_being_a_bull_wcgw/

heh – clearly “respect mah ah-thor-i-tie!” is not working.
MrsDurned will like that one.

Except surely you understand that Mr. DEA would have emptied his service weapon into that bull. Just like those two fine Idaho officers did to that bull before they murdered Jack Yantis.

Ooohhhh, I have “dirty joke!”
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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I’m sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

Saw a story in the local paper the other day that caught my attention. It’s a pretty small town where everybody knows everybody by first name so you don’t see much printed that you haven’t heard already, but this was news.

Seems that Jack Wilson got so sick of his wife that he had her murdered yesterday (we knew they weren’t getting along, but geez, nothing like this bad). Apparently Jack paid a guy to do the job. Actually we kind of know the guy too. Artie Cheznoski. Yeah, he’s a bum, lives off the government; drinks. You know the type.

Anyhow the story going around is that Jack was out drinking at the Sugar Club on 3rd, and bitching about Carol. Artie came up and offered to ‘help him’ for $10,000. Jack was drunk enough to agree, but not so drunk as to write a check or to promise to pay him in advance. Apparently people heard him and Artie arguing about something but figured it was just two drunks – you know.

Well…. it comes out that Artie decided he wasn’t going to do the job without at least some down-payment so if he got busted, he could drag Jack down with him- no way he was just going to let Jack rat him out and then go scot-free claiming he knew nothing about it. He said it wasn’t so much the amount as some cash with Jack’s fingerprints and DNA on it (yeah, you know, and I know but I guess Artie watches too much CSI on TV) and an IOU for the rest. That way he figured he could make sure Jack paid him.

So… the day before yesterday Artie made his move. Seems that he figured he’d be noticed by the neighbors if he went to the house or her work, so he made his attack in the Kroger Grocery. Now before you say he was crazy, it was actually pretty clever. He snuck in the back and he hid in the warehouse area, watching Carol through that little round window in the door between the produce section and the warehouse. When Carol went into the produce section, he grabbed her, pulled her through the door, and strangled her. Nice and quiet, and he was only inside the real store itself for about 15 seconds. The rest of the time he was out of view inside the warehouse area.

Unfortunately, that little girl who works in the Deli was going to the bathroom or something and she came through the door into the warehouse and caught him, so he strangled her too. He then went out the back door and he would have gotten away clean, except that it seems like they recently put a camera in the warehouse, and somebody recognized him on the tape. When they arrested him, the whole story came out.

Anyhow the headline was

“Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar At Krogers”

Heh.

Good one veg. Totally stole that.