web analytics

Good to go

shitfarm

Our shit farm had its first annual service this morning. Some of my more faithful, losery readers may remember from last year that putting in a new septic system was a condition of sale for Badger House.

Not just a regular old septic tank — oh, no. The hippies who run Britain decree’d we must have a state-of-the-art chrome-plated shit processing factory. It has a pump and a computer and it goes shusss-shusss-shusss- softly while I sit in the garden trying to contemplate the beauty of creation and not so much the poops running along tiny conveyor belts under my feet.

It’s a high-strung, finicky filly, this thing, and it needs regular looking after. Two of the nicest shit-techs you could ever meet turned up this morning and saw to ours. This they did without gloves, cheerfully rescuing newts from the pipes with their bare hands and tossing them onto the grass.

Uncle B, who is inclined a bit toward the Howard Hughsian, had to wash his hands every time he saw them touch the machinery. That was worth the price of admission right there.

What? You didn’t think I could post about something other than myself two days running, did you?

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from Pupster
Time: January 29, 2009, 9:45 pm

Did you ask what the little computer thingy does? I must admit I’m still curious as to its function in the circle of life in jolly olde.

Faithfully yours in losery,

Pupster

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: January 29, 2009, 9:53 pm

Our poo pit is a spartan affair, which needs little or no maintenance other than the monthly box of Rid-X, and produces nothing but lawn.

I feel cheated.

But here’s the question left unanswered: you have this infrastructure-intensive poo pit. It has machinery. It has a support cadre. What does it produce that a more pedestrian poo plant doesn’t? Diamonds? Oxygen? World peace?

And who gets the spoils, as it were? If it’s the government who’s mandating these things I suppose it’s them, but you’re doing all the work. You obviously receive no cut of the proceeds of your own labo(u)rs.

And no bonus for filling out the paperwork.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: January 29, 2009, 11:46 pm

We just shit down regular old pipes in my neck of the woods.

We shit down the pipes, and gravity takes it to the river and then to the sea…where it floats across the pond and lands…oh, um…sorry.

 


Comment from scubafreak
Time: January 29, 2009, 11:54 pm

When I was Haze Grey and Underway, we had a 9000 gallon tank midships called the CHT tank (Collection, Holding and Transfer) and a 500 gallon cht tank under the flight deck. And LUCKY ME, maintaining them was my departments job. woo hoo.

Hell, at least I didn’t have to get in to service the level meter whenever it got clogged. that was the electricians job. :-) I just had to hold the rope to pull him out if he passed out from the Hydrogen Sulfide gas from the shitty seawater……..

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:04 am

We shit down the pipes, and gravity takes it to the river and then to the sea…where it floats across the pond and lands…oh, um…sorry.

Did you happen to catch this item over in the sidebar at Ace’s place a couple of days ago?

 


Comment from bad cat robot
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:14 am

When I purchased my beloved home (old for USA, but not in the same league as Badger House) the condition of sale was the septic tank getting pumped out. Problem being, nobody knew where it was. The owner of record was a lady very rich in years (and in a nursing home) and her son (doing the actual selling) had never lived in the house. So me, the realtor, and the Poop Technician wandered all over the property with what I can only describe as a septic dowsing rod. It was an iron bar about four feet long with a cross-bar handle at the top, and the PT would lift it up, let it drop, and listen for septic tank noises. We found it all right, but not by the sound. As soon as the bar dropped in the right place a thick suffusion of sewer gas surrounded us. Evidently the old lady hadn’t known she had a septic tank, or that they need pumping every so often. “Full to the Brim”, it was. The PT had to come back because his tank truck filled up before it was completely drained.

Good times, good times …

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 30, 2009, 5:03 am

Holy crap, batman, what a large shithole you have there.

 


Comment from steve
Time: January 30, 2009, 9:25 am

That sounds like one damned fine poop processor, right there…

About how much do you calculate it costs per dump?

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: January 30, 2009, 10:11 am

Can’t blame Uncle B. I would feel the same way. *twitch*

 


Comment from Anonymous
Time: January 30, 2009, 10:53 am

Count me in Uncle B’s corner. Without me, Procter and Gamble stock would nosedive.

 


Comment from wendyworn
Time: January 30, 2009, 10:57 am

See, that is why I love coming here. Palin one day, newt tossing shit-techs the next. :)

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: January 30, 2009, 11:26 am

We have a septic that was put in 30 years ago and not done to any code that anyone can put their hands on. It’s one of those “Oh yeah, by the way, the drain field kind of sits over the well water site” situations.

(grins greenly) Well, at least the water will never be flavorless.

I want a poop-puter. What does a box of shit-logic cost these days?

 


Comment from steve
Time: January 30, 2009, 11:58 am

“I want a poop-puter. What does a box of shit-logic cost these days?”

That line just makes me want to take “shit for brains” and twist it around into some clever rejoinder…..

 


Comment from Nicholas the Slide
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:28 pm

The jokes, the puns, my brain, aaaaaaaargh

ERROR OVERLOAD ERROR OVERLOAD

REBOOT

 


Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:31 pm

Howard Hughes would then buy a theater and “screen” films there for the next 4 months straight. He would bring his own Barcalounger, and kleenex (to avoid touching anything) and would sit in the nude 24/7. He would have no further need for a septic system as all output would be put in jars, labeled and stored in a closet. How nuts did you say Badger was?

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:31 pm

One of our septic tanks (we have two ’cause we’re pooping fools here at Stately Paine Etc.) has a gravity-operated dump-trough, which, when it’s full, tips and sends a [mental image alert!] cleansing tidal wave of poopy goodness into the leach field.

I thought that was high-tech, but obviously, since it has no computer and needs no maintenance, I feel short-changed. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for those middle-of-the-night “honey, you need to go reboot the septic tank” conversations.

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:38 pm

‘We just shit down regular old pipes in my neck of the woods.’

Same here. With any luck and a little help from the perturbations of the busiest shipping lane in the world it’ll wash up on French shores.

The computer probably weighs your, uh, offerings and reports it to the People’s Glorious Revolutionary Government of Britain. If it’s deemed that your scat is too massive, they’ll levy some more taxes on you.

Did you hear the depressing news? (No, not the economy.) Some hooded shits stabbed a man to death at a London bus stop whilst he was waiting with his 3 year-old girl to go and see his wife and their new-born son in hospital. Modern Britain. Makes you want to weep.

 


Comment from Nicholas the Slide
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:44 pm

Some hooded shits stabbed a man to death at a London bus stop whilst he was waiting with his 3 year-old girl to go and see his wife and their new-born son in hospital.
😯

Holy cow. What happened to the girl? Do the police know why? Have they caught them yet?

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:48 pm

The 3 year old? Well, I assume either social services took her in or she’s with her mother in hospital. Either way, she had to witness the violent death of her father.

The police have one guy in custody and are looking to question two 15-20 year-olds.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:54 pm

Louisville makes an excellent interrogation tool for such as these.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:55 pm

Wait a minute, Howard Hughes didn’t want to touch anything, but would sit in the nude? Leaving moist buttcheek prints somehow seems worse. Perhaps if he put some pants on, the need for kleenex would diminish.
Stoopid Hollyweirdos.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:57 pm

The police have one guy in custody and are looking to question two 15-20 year-olds.

Victims of their environment, no doubt. Perhaps with some hugs, a firm talking to, and a promise of government housing, jail time can be avoided.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:02 pm

I can think of other ways to help them avoid jail time. [viz. my Louisville comment]

 


Comment from iamfelix
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:03 pm

Victims of their environment, no doubt. Perhaps with some hugs, a firm talking to, and a promise of government housing, jail time can be avoided.

And perhaps some nice “stimulus” cash.

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:06 pm

Drowning the shits in cat urine is too good for them.

jwpaine…

cleansing tidal wave of poopy goodness

That is one vivid mental image. I mean, it was so vivid the image started turning into a solid 3d mass of sludge in my forebrain right there right then. I’m going to have to roto-rooter my brain now or visualize some liquid plumber.

 


Comment from JuliaM
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:12 pm

“Do the police know why? “

It was Croydon.

Seriously, a place to avoid if you are ever over here…

From the Beeb: “Officers have found a number of knives in the area and were also reviewing CCTV footage from a number of cameras.”

CCTV. Was there ever a more worthless crime ‘prevention’ device…?

 


Comment from Nicholas the Slide
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:52 pm

At least the girl’s alive. This is terrible though. And frankly yet more evidence that taking people’s way of self-defense away is just asking for more incidents like this.

And yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if these lowlives got away with it.

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: January 30, 2009, 4:08 pm

In a very real sense, the creeps kind of stole the little girl’s life, too. Except not only did they steal the life she could have had with her father but they added back trauma. Nice.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 30, 2009, 4:26 pm

Ugh. Uncle B’s house in London was in Norwood, which is technically the borough of Croydon. They’re the council who sent us the leaflet “what to do if you hear a burgler” that started with the charming advice, “some people feel most comfortable lying quietly in bed and waiting for him to go away.”

On a brighter note, I’ve heard Britain is the second biggest consumer of Louisville Sluggers. And they don’t play baseball.

I have to go to Croydon in a month or so to have my biometrics taken for my national ID card (on account of I am a immigrant, but they’ll get the rest of you Limey bastards eventually — mark my words!)

“What’s that, Stoaty?” you say. “But you had all that biometrics junk done months ago for your fiancee visa!”

Yeah. How about that. Apparently the point of digital fingerprinting is NOT being able to re-use the data and share it between embassies.

 


Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: January 30, 2009, 5:09 pm

S. Weasel, they get you every time!

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 30, 2009, 5:29 pm

Back to the shit farm, most of our neighbours ( all of our neighbours, in fact) have conventional septic tanks, but badger shit is so powerful that…

Actually, this appears to be another of the ‘benefits’ of handing our government over to a bunch of Nazi hippies in Brussels.

When we bought Badger House, it came with two sceptic tanks, which were… past their dump by (in?) date. The UK Environment Agency, which controls this stuff, insists that septic tanks are no longer acceptable under EU rules and that, instead, you have to install water treatment plants which are, in effect, miniature sewage farms.

No doubt this rule is equally rigidly enforced in Greece, Italy, rural France, Spain, Portugal…

Anyway, it doesn’t help that we’re living in a ‘site of special scientific interest’ (on account of it has badgers that can type and weasels that can draw, no doubt) so, one by one, the tried and trusted septic tanks that have been in use for decades are going to be phased out.

It is, of course, total madness. The tanks cost £10,000 plus to buy and install and are utterly dependent on an electricity supply – without which, after 24 hours, they spew filth into the stream, thus killing all life on Earth. Or they making hippies cry. Or something.

What the computer does, I have no idea. But I have seen a man reach down into one after a year’s use and with his bare fingers…

Excuse me. I must get back to washing my hands. try me again on Wednesday, maybe?

 


Comment from Allen
Time: January 30, 2009, 6:02 pm

Ha! A septic tank with a computer. The motherbard on the septic tank shit the bed. The OS on the septic tank is that piece of shit Windows Vista.

This could go on… Wait until I build up a good head of steam.

We used to live near Croydon, twas a little place called Addington Village.

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: January 30, 2009, 6:33 pm

this appears to be another of the ‘benefits’ of handing our government over to a bunch of Nazi hippies in Brussels.

I think you may have just cause to rebel against the government.

A revolootion, as it were.

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: January 30, 2009, 6:50 pm

I’m mentally washing my hands right now. yagickugh.

I’m willing to be there’s a CCTV inside your tank as well, to monitor your, uh… well, to monitor stuff in tandem with that computer.

To fight illegal dumping, or something.

 


Comment from JuliaM
Time: January 30, 2009, 6:53 pm

“No doubt this rule is equally rigidly enforced in Greece, Italy, rural France, Spain, Portugal… “

*chuckle*

 


Comment from Mrs. Hill
Time: January 30, 2009, 7:38 pm

The tanks cost £10,000 plus to buy and install and are utterly dependent on an electricity supply – without which, after 24 hours, they spew filth into the stream

So, this sort of thing never happens in the EU, right?

I need to go wash my hands now . . . and clorox wipe my keyboard . . . and mouse . . . and maybe the monitor . . . *shudder*

 


Comment from wendyworn
Time: January 30, 2009, 7:46 pm

Uncle B, it’s the same principle as cars I think. Once they started putting computers in them, then the dealers could jack you for a ton of money when the stupid check engine light came on and charge you thousands to replace the computer which goes out frequently. Also, the teen-age boys can’t fix them the way they used to, it has to go to the shop, thus charging more money…

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 30, 2009, 8:03 pm

Ah, Mrs Hill – that’ll be the global warming, I shouldn’t wonder! 😉

And you’re right, of course, the selfsame hippies that make us install a sewage plant that needs constant electricity are the hippies that won’t let us build any new power stations.

Oh, and wendyworn, you are so right, too. Time was when even a ham-fisted badger could at least get a car started unless something big was broken.

Years ago, a friend of mine who ran a small garage and who was a really skilled mechanic predicted to me that he wouldn’t be in business in ten years time, because of what was on the horizon. I thought he was being pessimistic but he wasn’t.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: January 30, 2009, 10:19 pm

Open the driver-side door, Hal.

…Hal?

 


Comment from Nicholas the Slide
Time: February 2, 2009, 12:10 pm

Uncle B, it’s the same principle as cars I think. Once they started putting computers in them, then the dealers could jack you for a ton of money when the stupid check engine light came on and charge you thousands to replace the computer which goes out frequently. Also, the teen-age boys can’t fix them the way they used to, it has to go to the shop, thus charging more money…

This has been a major bone of contention for an older couple (late 50’s/early 60’s) who are members of my church and – oddly enough – my usual ride to services (with the whole “Nick doesn’t have a car” thing and living in a different Phoenix suburb than the church building). They’ve had this problem where the engine, at random times for no explainable reason, suddenly dies. Usually happens when the car is slowing, but we’ve had jerks at higher speeds that suggest it died at 65MPH and the engine’s own momentum just managed to kick it back into active gear.

The problem with this whole cherade is that the “Check Engine” light rarely comes on, and when it does it usually goes back off after a minute or so, never long enough to get to a shop while it’s on. Thus, the mechanics keep telling them there’s nothing wrong with it, or that they don’t know how to fix it because “the computer says” there’s nothing wrong with it.

It’s become quite frustrating.

 


Comment from Mikey NTH
Time: February 2, 2009, 7:25 pm

Looks like they picked a good time of year to open the lid.

One winter, back at the camp, we had to replace the grates in the ‘honey pot’, where the camp sewer lines came together before going on to the sewage plant.

Lots o’ fun with that (and another reason to go on to law school).

 


Comment from Mikey NTH
Time: February 2, 2009, 7:29 pm

PS: My dad and mom built their retirement house at the lake and dad wrote on the wall inside the garage exactly where the septic tank was buried. We don’t need that though – contra to Erma Bombeck, the grass does not grow greener over their septic tank.

 


Pingback from fun & comedy » Blog Archive » I am so not shitting you
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:57 am

[…] it. Only, we don’t have a boring old septic system. We have a complex, computer-controlled shit processing factory. And the water level is now within five inches of the […]

 

Write a comment

(as if I cared)

(yeah. I'm going to write)

(oooo! you have a website?)


Beware: more than one link in a comment is apt to earn you a trip to the spam filter, where you will remain -- cold, frightened and alone -- until I remember to clean the trap. But, hey, without Akismet, we'd be up to our asses in...well, ass porn, mostly.


<< carry me back to ol' virginny