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Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the chicken diaper


We’ve kinda, sorta entertained the idea of keeping a few chickens. But our garden is too small, we’re too close to the road. Oh, and I fucking HATE chickens. But I was doing a bit of chicken window shopping (as you do) when I ran across this saucy little number.

Our totally revamped diaper comes with everything you need to keep your chicken indoors. It’s easy to position and secure, durable and user-friendly. The pouch is lined for extra security against spills. Included with each order are simple instructions as well as one, easily removable, heavy-duty vinyl liner that velcroes into place. Adjustable design, plus five sizes to choose from, means it’ll perfectly fit the size of your bird. Shipping is included!

Great For:

●Injured hens that need to recuperate indoors.
●Show birds that need to be separated from the flock in the months before before the show.
●Beloved family pets who you couldn’t dream of putting outside.

Okay, it’s hard enough to imagine the existence of such a mythical beast as a beloved family chicken, but now that we’ve got our thinking caps on, let’s imagine how much fun it would be to try to lay an egg through this contraption.

Still with me? Okay, now close your eyes, ball up your fists and imagine what it’s like to take this thing off at the end of the day.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: October 1, 2009, 7:15 pm

They forgot to list “Protection from Roman Polanski”…

Comment from Allen
Time: October 1, 2009, 7:42 pm

I have to get outta here. 🙂

It just brings up horrible memories. I had a pet rabbit that got vicious when I was kid. It bit, and hung on, to my hand, I shook and shook my hand but he was latched on. Couple that with my complete distaste for the flying monkeys on the Wizard of Oz, and what do you have?

The flying killer rabbit from Monty Python (shudder.)

Why a chicken in diapers brings that to mind I have no idea. I do know that it most likely will end in creepy nightmares. Or, quite possibly a diaper that when dried you can sell on E-bay as a visage of some Saint.

Comment from Janna
Time: October 1, 2009, 8:03 pm

Chicken Diapers.
Dan Rather with a banana phone.
I LOVE this place.
Ya just never know whats coming next.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 1, 2009, 8:09 pm

You know, Janna, I would really appreciate that compliment, if you hadn’t just gotten Banana Phone stuck in my head.

Thanks a lot.

Comment from Janna
Time: October 1, 2009, 9:22 pm

Oh, Jeez…That is very disturbing.
I beg forgiveness for planting that …um…”song” in your head.

Comment from David
Time: October 1, 2009, 9:25 pm

Mmmmm. Nuggets.

Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: October 1, 2009, 9:27 pm

Chickens are the filthiest,most vile creatures on earth. It’s no wonder modern chicken farmers never have to actually see or touch a chicken. They are very good when fried however. The best fried chicken I ever had was at Magnolia Plantation in Charleston SC.

Comment from BuckNutty
Time: October 1, 2009, 9:41 pm

Nothing stinks worse then a chicken farm, but I can’t be sure that NOTHING smells worse because I’ve never met Helen Thomas. So I could be wrong.

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: October 1, 2009, 10:54 pm

Beloved family chicken is like a beloved family spoon. They’re about as brainless as an animal can be and still be independently mobile, chickens are.

Fresh eggs are damn fine, though.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: October 1, 2009, 11:34 pm

Yes, well. . .

http://www.backyardchickens.com/ I was especially charmed by the link to a Target page touting chicken flavored cat food, which can be accessed through the “pet chicken” page. Hm. . .

Now, it has been roughly 50 years since I have had anything to do with chickens, so none of this comes from personal knowledge. . .but according to family members, turkeys make chickens look like Einstein.

Just sayin’


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: October 2, 2009, 12:11 am



Comment from bad cat robot
Time: October 2, 2009, 12:16 am

Chickens are quite capable of being brainless AND mobile, O Christopher Taylor. Seen it for myself, I did. When I was but a wee robot my folks got some “elder layers” from an egg farm. My father performed the duties of executioner with an axe, and one beheadee was not really bothered by the process (aside from a minor issue of not being able to see and blood loss) and proceeded to evade recapture at a great rate of speed. Made quite an impression and if I should ever go off my nut you may tell the nice policemen that was probably the root cause.

Comment from Tesla
Time: October 2, 2009, 1:20 am

There used to be a big ole billboard in Nashville TN put up by Pamela Silicon City Anderson. She wanted folks to boycott KFC cuz KFC started the processing of poultry by dropping live, screaming chickens in vats of boiling hot water. PETA wacko, yes she is. Whenever I saw that sign I always thought “You know, I’d kinda like to see that.” And chickens have no discernible brain. No news there, I guess. One chicken lost his head to an axe, in the ’30s I think, and proceeded to live for several more years. Just watch Chicken Run-laffs and no poop and no diapers. And no goddam smell, either.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: October 2, 2009, 1:28 am

Dunno about the years, but they will run around headless just on spinal reflexes until they bleed out and blood pressure drops too low for them to function.

Chickens (indeed, domestic poultry in general) are so stupid that eating them is to all intents and purposes to be a vegetarian. In a chicken-and-mushroom pie it is a matter of some debate which ingredient is stupider: the chicken or the mushrooms.

Comment from LondonMark
Time: October 2, 2009, 5:43 am

At least ducks have some sort of style. AND they eat slugs. Then, again, there’s that damn issue of poop . . . .

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 2, 2009, 7:42 am

I cannot beLIEVE this thread’s been sitting here simmering all night without an appearance of Mike the Headless Chicken.

I once had a Mike the Headless chicken application for my Palm Pilot. It was kind of like a really gross tamagotchi. You had to feed him with an eyedropper and everything.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 2, 2009, 9:09 am

Ohhhhhh…bacon jam.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 2, 2009, 9:21 am

Bonus! Bacon jam recipe!

Comment from Princess Bernie
Time: October 2, 2009, 11:05 am

Have a friend who has chickens – just enough for fresh eggs and she has named them all (6 or 8 of them). And a rooster named ‘crappy’. Friend also has bird dogs, but said dogs are separated from said chickens theoretically. One day recently, bird dog met crappy. Crappy came out on the short end of the deal, but didn’t die. Friend (reforming vegetarian) is horrified and calls husband in tears cuz her rooster is mortally wounded. He says, put him out of his misery – grab the hatchet and do the deed. She grabs the hatchet, and crappy lifts up his head and looks at her – more histerics from her and she swings and misses. Crappy ended up expiring before her hubby got home, but we laughed our asses off over the whole thing – especially knowing our dear friend.

Comment from Bob
Time: October 2, 2009, 12:02 pm

I recommend ducks.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 2, 2009, 12:09 pm

I just put your Nuts in the mail, Princess B. I think your magazine has a better chance of making it through than the Bangers and the Haggis (which haven’t arrived yet).

Comment from Allen
Time: October 2, 2009, 12:42 pm

How could I have forgotten? Chickens… The Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show, and Political Parties


Comment from Randy Rager
Time: October 2, 2009, 1:29 pm

Diapers on a chicken? Beloved family chicken?! Oh Gawd.

Dying here. Can’t breathe.

My little sister’s kindergarten class raised chicks. All the city slicker (as city slicker as you can get in Stilwell, OK, pop. 10,000 at the time) kids were naming their chicks, so the teacher asked her what she was going to name hers.

“Fried Chicken” she proudly proclaimed, with a toothy smile.

Comment from cube
Time: October 2, 2009, 2:53 pm

If you are feeling down, look at a bunch of chickens. It will lift your mood. I’m thinking of running a campaign to replace the saying, “More fun than a barrel of monkeys,” with chickens. They are way funnier and they don’t fling poop at you.

Comment from mommer
Time: October 2, 2009, 6:11 pm

Oh man, Ima gonna get flamed in 3,2,1, but I have a diaper for my bird. No it’s not a chicken diaper. It’s a cockatoo diaper. It has a little place for a bit of a panty liner. Most of the time she is very potty trained but sometimes she needs to have some extra protection because she’s a bit of a scatter brain. Other times I just dress her up because I subconscienciously hate her. Or something.

Also there are some places a bird just needs to be well dressed to get into.

I’m going to go put on my fire proof undies now….

Comment from Princess Bernie
Time: October 2, 2009, 6:41 pm

Stoaty, looking forward to receipt of the prize.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 2, 2009, 6:54 pm

Mommer, the things that pass between a grown woman and her bird are NONE of our business.

Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 2, 2009, 8:23 pm

Hey, our family chickens are kinda beloved.

Actually they’re a couple of little assholes, but they eat bugs and poop eggs. I think that’s a pretty fair trade.

Comment from Red State Witch
Time: October 2, 2009, 11:13 pm

Stoaty, there is only one cure when you gotta have teh bacon…

Bacon Pie.


Maxim: All right, then: What if you had to choose between donuts and bacon instead?
Homer Simpson: If you’d ever had a donut with bacon sprinkles, you’d know how ridiculous that question is.

Comment from J.S.Bridges
Time: October 6, 2009, 4:36 pm

Speaking as one who, due to a countrified upbringing coupled with a slightly-overenthusiastic Grandmother, one did an entire season of durance vile (emphasis on the “vile”) as Chief Waterer/Feeder and House Swamp-Out Shoveler for an entire chicken-house* (Contents: ONE HUNDRED enthusiastic feathered egg-and-copious-poo producers), I can say only: Darlin’, chicken diapers is a frightening and disGUSTing concept!

I don’t even want to THINK about what that would smell like!!

*It was quite awhile before I could even contemplate eating eggs without some hesitancy – to this day, I mostly avoid chicken salad.

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