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I. Rule. The. World.

I’m bored with me and my stupid problems. I’m going to play computer games tonight.

I bought myself a copy of Civilization IV. I know, I know…it’s a two year old game now. I’m too old to pay gamers’ money for video cards these days, so it’s the geriatric lineup for me.

Actually, I bought myself two copies of Civilization IV. Because why? Because I’m a drunk, that’s why. I ordered one copy and several days later, I woke up thinking, “I bought something neat on Amazon ‘buy it used’ last night. I wonder what it was?” I didn’t check. This happens to me a lot, and I never second guess it. I walked around for days with a happy “a special surprise is in the mail” feeling. Then it came.

If I lived in Puritan times, they’d make me spend the rest of my life with the game box pinned to my hat and “Putrid Drunkarde” sewn across my pinafore in lime green cross-stitch.

Anyhoo. I was a huge fan of Civ I (and II). It was like a magic ant farm. I could explore the world and nurture my people and build a great civilization. I was far enough ahead of the AI that I never got my ass completely kicked and most always played until the time limit ran out with no clear winner. I cultivated my cities, conquered a little around the edges of my territory, enjoyed watching my nation grow from mud huts to space stations. I was a benevolent, leisurely dictator. It was the game SimCity should’ve been but somehow never was.

And every once in a while, I would draw down a happy, blessèd game, where accidents of geography and the luck of the draw handed me the ultimate prize. Where my more tech-savvy rivals spent the Dark Ages kicking each other’s asses and the only nations left standing by Victoria’s day were relics of the stone age, shaking flint spears and ululating while Mighty Exalted Weaseltanks squished them like bugs.

I. Ruled. The. World.

Good times.

When I got Civ III, I was delighted by the graphics and thoroughly pissed off by the gameplay. It was as though Sid Meier had let loose a bunch of ignorant twenty-something kindergarten teachers on his AI. Suddenly, the NPC’s were horribly aggressive about territory. No more leisurely exploration of the planet; if you didn’t plop down half-baked cities as fast as humanly possible — some time before the Iron Age — your neighbors swiftly corraled you within unsustainable borders.

And technology? Every culture in the world developed scientifically at exactly the same pace. The reviews described this as “more realistic.” Meh. Anybody at Firaxis ever heard of Papua Fucking New Guinea?

So I held off on IV. The reviews were glowing, but they glowed for that turd of a III, too.

Wish me luck. I’m…umm…screw it. I think I’ll just read a book tonight.


Comment from blanco lagomorph
Time: May 2, 2007, 6:19 pm

Awwww. It’s kinda sweet when you get all fucked up and dysfunctional.

I’d offer you a hug but that’s so disgustingly inane. I’d offer you a whiskey but I wouldn’t be good for it.


Comment from Gnus
Time: May 2, 2007, 7:58 pm

You say geriatric as if it were a bad thing. I’m sort of pleased to actually be geriatric.

Depends on your perspective, I suppose.

Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: May 2, 2007, 11:27 pm

Okay, World Ruler, any chance you could space down the top of the comment column so the top line ain’t cut in half?

And while you’re at it, wouldn’t be so bad if you put a link someplace near the top to take me back to the main page.

The take “… me back to ol’ virginny” line is so cliché around here that I forget it has a function at your blog.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 3, 2007, 5:29 am

Top line cut in half…hmm…I’m not seeing what you’re talking about EW1(SG). I’ve looked at it with Opera, FireFox and IE. Are you talking about inside the open comments section, or what…?

The link back…ummm…yes…that was an error in how I handled the template. Ordinarily, the header would be clickable at the top of the comments section, too.

Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: May 3, 2007, 11:42 am

I can’t buy any games for my computer either. It’s only a couple years old, but the system requirements for games these days are way beyond its capabilities. And the stores don’t stock many of the older ones. Oh well. I ought to be doing more productive things with my time anyway.

Comment from Lokki
Time: May 7, 2007, 12:05 pm

I too, am a CIV addict (and an alky, according to some, but I deny it).

I started out with CIV III, so I don’t know about the old days of early Civilizations I & II.

I like the CIV III quite a lot and still play it. I have the Play-the-World version, which adds some features and fixes some flaws in III, however, I never Play-the-World. I can generally beat the computer and I have no desire to be beaten by some pimpled kid in a basement.

I bought CIV IV but I don’t ever play it. It just seems like the new game is the answer to the question “Now what?”

There are millions of civilization advances and a long speach about each one. There are more elaborate graphics, but they’re too big and elaborate. It seems like a Hollywood sequel when they went over the top last time and now are struggling to go farther over the top. Pirates of the Carriban II comes to mind.

I wish I’d known you’d wanted it. I could have given you my copy. … Well, if the weasel chews up both your copies let me know.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 7, 2007, 12:19 pm

Having my technological advances explained to me by Leonard Nimoy was a bit of a shock. He sounds alarmingly old.

So far, I haven’t played a game all the way through. I’ve been taking it in chunks. The AI does seem a bit less aggressive than III, but I actually think III’s graphics were better. I’m supremely annoyed that it’s one of those games that wants the disc in the machine to play. I hate that in a game. In no time at all, I either ruin or lose the original game CD. I’ll have to see if it will be satisfied with a copy…

Comment from Masaaki
Time: May 16, 2014, 2:49 am

I’ve been a Blackberry owner since Jesus was a wee boy the first one I had was this big clunky black joint with the twkearhecl on the side but I switched to iPhone last year. And I’m not saying the iPhone is better but I have learned that BB’s are not the be-all end-all they seem to be when you have one. And yes it is possible to live a fruitful life without BBM.

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