sweasel.com

That pooch sounds – and looks – like a prime candidate for an radio shock collar.

And what the hell is it doing in the house anyway? The rules are simple:

Dogs=outside where they can freeze their asses off and crap without an escort.

Cats=inside where they can lay around and allow themselves to be spoiled…and they, too, can crap without an escort because they have a toilet-trained brain.

Oh, man, you wouldn’t believe how Snooky-wooky-ookums my folks go over this lumpy mutt. My brother bought her and then (typical!) dumped her on the Aged P. They’re insane about her. Even my stepmother, Scarlett O’Psycho. Dog sleeps in the bed and eats off plates and everything.

Reminds me of the flick “War of the Roses”. Mrs Rose (Kathleen Turner) has a wonderful scene where she feeds “her” cat treats while teasing “his” dog unmercifully.

This is as it should be.

Yeesh! I don’t mind folks and their dogs/cats so much, but I gotta draw the line at wandering around the kitchen cabinets and eating off plates.

Oh… and biting me. That’s a definite no no.

She’s kinda cute. But it sucks that she actually bit you! And it’s funny because you actually encouraged my cats TO bite you!

Treat? Treat? Treat?

Someone said treat.

Treat?

All dogs are Nazis. They fit the bill to perfection (and you can bite me, Godwin) exhibiting perfect pack loyalty – until they get the chance to turn.

Hateful, fawning, drooling psychopaths, the lot of ’em.

Trust me. I’m a badger. We know about dogs.

I am just a plain old animal person. I loves them all. But, God help the dog who ever bites me! That dog needs to be taught some manners.

I’m a dog person. I’ve got a 9 week-old Siberian Husky and I love him, even his loud, hyper-stinky farts and his little sharp teeth which he likes to puncture your arm with. The cat hasn’t been around much since I got him, he may have packed his bags. I’m not sure; like I said – I’m a dog person.
My usual rationale for why dogs>cats is that cats bury their shit, whereas dogs don’t. Dogs are all like, ‘Hey, look what I did. Pretty impressive, no? If you look hard you can see the remnants of the plastic, nubby cap of the springy thing that stops the door from hitting the wall and makes a funny, springy noise when you twang it, which I ate despite you saying “No!” when I went near it,’ whereas cats, on the other hand are all, ‘My scat is so pathetically insubstantial that I have to do it behind the bushes and bury it like it never happened. Oh woe is me, I wish I was a dog.’
Just kidding, I like all critters, even intestinal worms, it’s just that dogs trump everything. Especially my dog.

Well, dogs are Mans best friend for a reason. For them, we’re the longest-lasting gravy train that ever existed, and dogs probably think they died and went to heaven.

When I was a kid a dog bit me on the hand. There was no growling, barking or warning of any kind. Just CHOMP! It wasn’t a bad bite fortunately but I’ve never really cared much for dogs since. Still, if I ever did get a dog I think I’d get a corgi because they crack me up. And they’re too small to jump up and rip out anyone’s neck.

I like pigs. Not only are they cute, but they is tasty.

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/12/03/bacon-not-done-yet/

My mother kept a piglet for a pet once. I remember she walked it on a leash at the mall. She used food coloring to paint flowers on it and a slot.

It’s probably not worth contemplating what happened to it when it grew up…

The problem is that the dog is the alpha in that household and not the humans. Next time you see the dog, establish your alphaness over her. She’s possessive over everything in the house because she owns it all – she’s been allowed to. But I know I’m preaching to the Weasel choir on this…

Some (pronounced most) horses will bite you if not trained properly. The way to do this is to let them attempt to bite you–and then go all postal on them. The object is NOT to hurt the horse, but rather, to make the horse think it is about to die. Luckily, horses can barely outwit the hay they eat, so it only takes 10 seconds of frantic arm waving and maybe a smack on the muzzle to convince them that The End Is Near.

With dogs, I have a simpler solution: punt.

Hmmmmm… Listening to the Hallelujah Chorus, as performed by the Weasel Choir. Nice, but the arrangement needs a bit of work. 🙂

Well, I never thought I’d approve of anything the Iranian idiot zealots would do, but – well – here it is:

http://www.dailystar.com.lb/article.asp?edition_id=1&categ_id=4&Article_id=87169

I had a friend with a bitey horse. Man, that thing left some huge purple hickies on a few inattentive young equestriennes. Stupid horse.

As for the dog…I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior for a second if the old folks weren’t so potty about her. If they’d given a fraction of the attention to their assorted infants that they give this stupid shitbag hound, they wouldn’t have to die filthy and alone in some state institution.

Hasn’t happened yet, but you heard it here first.

Well, Weaz, if it’ll make you feel any better about horses, be comforted in the fact that – when I was about 12 – I nailed a stallion’s fully extended winky with a BB gun.

I never knew a horse could leap straight up – like a cat does when startled. That horse bounced around that pasture like a superball.

I’m convinced that I will burn in hell for that senseless act.

I nailed a stallion’s fully extended winky with a BB gun.

Thank you for sharing that bit of information with all of us, Steamboat. I’m sure that your conscience has been soothed by confessing it to us. I’m also sure, that when you get to the gates of Heaven, that Saint Peter will be understanding enough to give you a pass on that one.

Oh wait, Saint Peter. On second thought, I think you’re in for it.

A dogs behavior is a direct reflection of their owner. Shitty dog usually means shitty owner.
Cats are the same no matter what. There are countless stories of dogs saving humans lives, I’ve never heard one about a cat.
Sorry cat people, but a properly trained and cared for dog, truly is mans best friend.
Just my 2 cents. Sorry you got bit Weasel.

If they’d given a fraction of the attention to their assorted infants that they give this stupid shitbag hound, they wouldn’t have to die filthy and alone in some state institution.

Are you my sister?

A of M & C,

Actually, confessing has not soothed me one bit. I’ve confessed several times to friends – and it still (honestly) bothers me. I’ve tried to cancel it out by being nice to all horses since, but I suspect I’m doomed anyway.

But I never realized that its St. Peter I’m in trouble with. He has a town near here – maybe I should move there?

True pennance is the first step in achieving forgiveness.

In an attempt to find you some other location to live than Saint Petersburg, I did a search on ‘Williesburg’ which seemed like a good idea at the time.

I stumbled across this site, which seems to promise that I’ll at last be able to live in a nation where ALL the laws make sense to me.

http://www.nationstates.net/-1/page=display_nation/nation=williesburg

http://www.nationstates.net/dawn_dawn

I don’t want to do true penance. I don’t even want to do faux penance. If at all possible, I’d like to dodge doing any penance whatsoever – y’know?

Can I just feed some pony’s sugarcubes until they blow lunch or sumpin? maybe put in a few minutes with a currycomb?

Maybe I can emigrate – to MooseButt, Alberta or whatever town Weaz mentioned a while back.

…and subtle hints in writing style and word useage are giving me an inkling, Oh Mighty A of M & C.

Dost thou have some over-familiarity with a certain … Akismet?

Yep. Once again – I was wrong.

But I never realized that its St. Peter I’m in trouble with. He has a town near here – maybe I should move there?

How near? I know you said before, I think. But, I am senile. Refresh my memorycicles.

PnB – I’m in St, Charles. Which tells you nothing, probably.

The St, Peters/St. Charles/O’Fallon/Cottleville/Weldon Springs area is like swiss cheese. You never know from mile to mile which township you’re really in.

There’s a property not too far up the road that has horses. Each time I drive by and see them, I yell, “Sorry!”

There’s a property not too far up the road that has horses. Each time I drive by and see them, I yell, “Sorry!”

LOL.
Time for some horse winky haiku.

I’m ten minutes from St. Charles via 70.

Re “Sorry” – I really do!

Horse winky haiku? Now that’s a challenge. Maybe St. Peter will approve.

jwp needs to get in on this. he’s a horse grower/harvester.

I thought you might be out in this area.

HORSE WINKY HAIKU!

Sir – I accept your challenge!
I throw the first glove thus!

Horse Winky Shooters
Are either a very bad drink
Or foolish young boys

Every Young Boy Has
Had Horse Winky Jealousy
I might have it still

A fire Hydrant?
Or is your horse just glad
to see that filly?

And Mester McGooooo. I do not knau theeze Ekizmut fellow.
And I have neber hoid of theeze Lookeee-man aithur.

Sincerely, (Not Lokki really probably Uh, Look! Over There!

Thinks, Damn! I need to work on my accents!

Your Freind

I knew it!!!!!!!!!!

Well, kinda….

“I’ll be back.”

I’m gonna open up a whole new file….

Winging the winky
A game country boys attempt
Watching horses fly.

Who knew horses flew?
Spoke the boy – that boy so blue –
Sympathetically.

Yes, my son, indeed
They’re called horseflys because – well –
Watch me fake a sting.

The Rogue Nation of Dawn Dawn is a tiny, pleasant nation, renowned for its barren, inhospitable landscape. Its hard-nosed, hard-working, intelligent population of 6 million enjoy a sensible mix of personal and economic freedoms, while the political process is open and the people’s right to vote held sacrosanct.

Your National Symbol is the Bulldog? Nice.

Summer sun shining
BB gun – primed and ready
Waiting for some wood….

Horse winky haiku
can leave an aspiring muse
At a loss for words.

Boy with BB gun
Found trampled by young fillies
Stallion says, “Who’s first?”

Horse Winky: It Shoots!
It Scores! A nice direct Hit!
Pony Rides Next Spring!

You know McGoo, you probably messed up that poor stallion for life. I remember my mother telling me about a lawsuit over a $30,000 stud bull. He was doin’ his job, when the cow leaned over and licked the electric fence, shocking his whoopsie.

He never mated again.

Which somehow reminds me of the euphemism my grandmother used: did the bull suprise the cow yet? Mother always imagined the bull leaping from behind a tree. Surprise! Only, this time, the cow surprised the bull.

And that reminds me of the old joke about the Irishman, the Englishman and the Chinaman in the coal mine…

Oh, yes. I figure there are one or two fewer foals (and several disappointed fillies) in the world today because of me.

That’s what modern women need:

Rape Tazer!
Worn internally!
Puts 10,000 volts right where it’ll do the most good!
Proven to hurl rapists a minimum of 15 yards!

Rape Tazer!
Worn internally!
Puts 10,000 volts right where it’ll do the most good!
Proven to hurl rapists a minimum of 15 yards!

I think it was Family Guy, could be wrong, where Hillary had a Ronco-type device on her snootch. But she wasn’t punishing Bill the rapist. I think it was a dooms-day device or some such…

Ah! But he didn’t follow through with:

Butt_Buddy!

Hey, guys! Worried about that delinquent ticket?
Thinking you might get the ol’ “Thirty Days in lockup”?
Debating telling a judge to fuck off?
Considering breaking parole – and worried about the consequences?

Well – this gadget is for you.
Protects from unwanted intrusions 24/7.
Delivers a powerful – 50KW! – pulse jolt!
Tiny – no bigger’n your doc’s pinky!
Dishwasher safe.

That was a Southpark, PnB. The font of all wisdom.

Ahh…thank ye kindly weasel for correcting my poor memory. I catch Family Guy once in a while for the evil little bastard Stewie and rarely get to see Southpark.

bmac: Cats save their owners’ lives every night by simply choosing not to suffocate them in their sleep.

Steamboat: You can feed ponies sugar cubes until you puke, but horses cannot vomit.

They’re not supposed to be able to belch, either, but I’ve heard a few.

I may have mentioned this before, but stallions like to jerk-off by thumping their bellies with their penis. Once, while a farrier was trimming our older stallion’s hooves, the stallion took the opportunity to “rub one out,” eventually spewing quarts of not-pee all over the farrier.

We had to find a new farrier after that. I guess looking like the money shot in a pony-porn video was not his preferred self-image.

Horses can’t blow lunch? Poor things…!

I only know two things about horseys – and one of them is vulgar, of course.

So…he Fertilized the Ol’ Farrier, huh?

Yeah, Steamboat. A lot. It was too funny, particularly the farrier’s over-reaction. You’d have thought someone threw hydrochloric acid on him. What a priss.

I can sympathize with farrier. Sincerely.

Glad I went into electronics, math, and physics. Waaaaay more sanitary…

You’d’ve thought a farrier would be a bit more of a…well, cowboy.

My boss described assisting an cow-artificial-inseminator in a summer job. When he needed use of both hands during the procedure, he clamped the turkey-baster thingie in his teeth.

Cowboy like that.

Fert’ed farrier
Went to work for cattle guy
Quit two jobs that day.

The House of Paine Ranch
Where stallions really get off
On farriers backsides.

When Stallions look at porn
Do they call a hot li’l mare
A bellywhacker?

Miscounted on the last one. Change “look at” to “see”?

This is not really horse winky haiku.

Would it be animal husbandry haiku?

Does anyone care?

Stud anticipates
Farrier’s monthly visit–
It’s bellywhacking time!

I picture you guys all in the same room writing each other.

They let us into the common room for an hour or two each day. Y’know – between the morning and afternoon Thorazine pills.

But they never take off their disguises.

But I can hear ’em sneakin’ up from behind…..