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So what’s halfway between a pickle and a hammer?

picklehammer

I don’t know, but it’s hard and it’s sour.

The language of politics is unhelpful. Left and right. Conservative and progressive. Red and blue. There are places halfway between these two things, aren’t there?

No. There are not.

Let’s stop and bold that sucker: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HALFWAY BETWEEN CONSERVATIVE AND PROGRESSIVE.

Each side has a coherent philosophy, a whole set of ideas about how the world works and the proper role of government. The individual issues they address are, for the most part, different. Not on a continuum. You either understand and buy in, or you don’t. You can believe something totally different, but you cannot blend left and right and make a convincing picklehammer.

Zo! A centrist isn’t a mild variety of lefty or righty. A centrist is someone who, at some level, doesn’t get the central argument of either side. They are some combination of

Confused. Intellectually lazy. Not possessing an underlying philosophy at all, approaching every issue individually. Cafeteria style.

Opportunistic. Seeing R and D purely as a branding issue. When one or the other parties has an exceptionally strong election, these are the people who discover whole new worlds of conviction and cross the aisle to sit with the popular kids.

Idiosyncratic. I’m a bit in this camp, myself. Most of us are. There are some parts of the platform I don’t buy. It’s okay to differ from a political orthodoxy, if you can explain how it still works. Ideologies are whole structures; if you pull out that one plank, explain why the the building doesn’t fall down. If you pull out a bunch of planks, you’ll have to use the lumber to build something new.

I’d rather argue with a leftist than a centrist any day. The leftist at least has a structure to push against. Arguing with a ‘moderate’ is like snot wrestling.

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 11:38 am

snot-wrestling. Heh.

btw: a missing to between lumber and build.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 11:45 am

Once, while I engaged
In vigorous snot wrestling
I slimed my bad self.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 11:47 am

Thank you. Fixed. The last paragraph is always under-proofed, because I’m so sick of starting over from the beginning.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 12:17 pm

Been there. Done that. Got the shirt, got the hat.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 12:20 pm

Another characteristic of the centrist is that he is always apologizing to one extreme or the other for being a little bit pregnant.

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 11, 2008, 12:43 pm

What sort of apology do they give? The “I’m sorry you’re offended” fake-apology or the genuine mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa the Other demands of the West?

On that note, I’ve been looking for an opportunity to use Ace’s “youa culpa”.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 12:54 pm

I think “wea culpa” is his, too.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 1:56 pm

Well, before all the prime lexicographical real estate is taken (I’ve been chicanerously thwarted before), I submit:

theya culpa
shea culpa
hea culpa
ita culpa
moma culpa
dada culpa
baba culpa
Eura culpa

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:07 pm

…chicanerously thwarted…

That happened to my brother once. He had to have surgery and then had to sit on an inflated innertube for two weeks.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:14 pm

nancy kulp

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:15 pm

I bought one of those weird tiny innertubes at a garage sale when I was about 13. Had no idea what it was; I just thought it was weird (and at 13, weird is synonymous with cool). My aunt told me what it was, and was rather flustered that that information did nothing to dissuade me (13, remember?) from carrying it around everywhere that summer.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:16 pm

Miss Hathaway!

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:18 pm

…and btw, Steam, chicanerously is what they put in the coffee down in quaint but picturesque Napoleoniccodeland.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:29 pm

OK, will someone let a poor, befuddled Brit in on the joke? Whose picture is that and why is it there?

Honestly, it’s like trying to correspond with a bunch of foreigners some days! (koff)

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:34 pm

She was an actress named Nancy Kulp. So it’s a sort of a nancy kulpa.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:35 pm

We’re overfed, oversexed, and over here!

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:37 pm

Uncle B, that pic is of Nancy Culp, most memorable as “Miss Hathaway” the banker’s priggish assistant on The Beverly Hillbillies. She was, BTW, perhaps the oddest choice as the target of a boyhood crush imaginable. Or so I’ve heard.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:43 pm

Man, you can really pick ’em, jw. Wasn’t it you that had a thing for Janis Ian?

It’s almost like there’s a…pattern or something.

Actually, I didn’t realize until I was looking for this picture that Kulp came out late in life, though she had been married for a decade. When asked, “don’t you find opposites attract?” she said, “birds of a feather flock together.”

So how were you on Ann B. Davis? She’s still around.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:49 pm

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

So… shall I start the dyke jokes? Is that how this works?

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:55 pm

Sure, Uncle B. No harm in amusing the Dutch.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:55 pm

Miss Hathaway was teh gay??!!

Okay, if Whoopie Goldberg is gay, it’s all over. I’ll be taking out some student nurses from a high tower.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:55 pm

velma

w00t! Have yerself a little afternoon Velma.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:56 pm

Velma. Heh. That’s practically a female body part right there.

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 11, 2008, 2:57 pm

If one errant bishop has his way, we’ll have to mea culpa for a lot more things. Like causing social injustice. So I suppose they found a way to make being a Republican an automatic cause for the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

What would the penance be? Donate $100 to the DNC?

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:03 pm

…And yes, my taste in women is a tad eccentric. But ask any guy, and if he’s honest (rare, admittedly),he’ll tell you that yes, he’d do Betty Rubble. Like I said a while back, sooner or later, you’re gonna fuck the pumpkin.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:04 pm

Yes, apparently I’m going straight to hell because I refuse to dance the recycling tango.

I wonder if that offence wipes the slate clean of all the others..?

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:06 pm

No, penance would be 25 bucks, Muslihoon, same as in town.

 


Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:12 pm

Late to the game but what the hey: Robert Culpa

 


Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:13 pm

Crap. Blew the link: Robert Culpa.

 


Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:14 pm

The html-fu is weak with this one…

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:16 pm

Uncle B… You’re going to hell anyway for misspelling offense. And don’t even think about pronouncing schedule “shedjool” instead of “sked-yule.” I think that’s what the Sixth Circle of Hell is for (the Second Circle being reserved for people who accuse my girlfriends of being teh gay).

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:19 pm

Golly! People have the courage to accuse your girlfriends of being gay?!

Don’t they get kicked to a bloody pulp?

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:20 pm

I’ll just bet that link, were it in any way operable, would be hilarious, Enas. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:29 pm

Just my celebrity girlfriends, Uncle B, like Miss Hathaway and Janis Ian. Maybe that should be imaginary celebrity girlfriends. No, wait: would-be celebrity girlfriends. Um, better make that former would-be celebrity girlfriends.

Besides, kicking is for sissies. [serviceable Peter Lorre voice] I like to slit people’s throats, heh-heh, so I can watch their faces while they die.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 3:36 pm

[jw] I’m a little bit creepy…
[miss hathaway] …and I’m a little bit rock & roll.

 


Comment from Pupster
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:05 pm

mea culpa
youa culpa
shea culpa
wea culpa

wouldn’t you like to be a culpa too?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:21 pm

Robert Culpa! Of course. I got as far afield as Gene Krupa, but I decided that would be silly.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:28 pm

I don’t suppose Culpability Brown counts?

No, thought not…

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:45 pm

Yeah, fine, Uncle B. I remembered out what to Wikipedia eventually.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:50 pm

How can all of you jest when Mary Anne (age 69) from Gilligan’s Island got busted for Pot in Idaho?

http://www.ktvb.com/news/localnews/stories/ktvbn-mar1108-mary_ann.44494e42.html

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:51 pm

She looks a bit … tharn.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:00 pm

Holy cow, McGoo! That’s *big*. I know someone who will be heartbroken.

He always said you could tell a lot about a man by the way he answered the “Ginger or Mary Ann?” question.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:01 pm

Heyyyy…whatsamatt fo’ you, not blogging that with the mugshot and everything?

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:05 pm

Well – it was big to me. I always liked Mary Ann better.

I think it’s hilarious that – at age 69 – she twisted one up and was tooling down the highway tokin’ away. I love the booking photo, too. She has that, “Yeah, right! Whatever!” look on her face.

Go, Mary Ann! (Or Dawn Wells, actually).

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:07 pm

Ace got it first. His morons are everywhere. No, wait ….!

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:07 pm

She looks pretty good for pushing 70. A *stoner* pushing 70.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:10 pm

Waaaay better than Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:12 pm

Thanks, Steam! I’m off to join the Ukrainian Army!

Heh heh. “Join.”

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:15 pm

Join? I was gonna surrender to ’em. Several times.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:22 pm

Damn, I shoulda thought of that! Surrender would be the better option. Damn and double damn! And I already pissed away my enlistment bonus!

Heh-heh. “pissed away my enlistment bonus.” I slay myself.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:23 pm

I can tell that for the rest of the day, everything is going to sound dirty to me.

I know that about myself.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:27 pm

Oh, yessss. The part of surrender I really like is when – ahem all of them! – have their way with me.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:34 pm

Oh, yessss. The part of surrender I really like is when – ahem all of them! – have their way with me.

Oh yes. Typical male. You are on the ground surrendered as they are piercing your skull with their mismatched pumps and you don’t care because every now and then you get a peep up their skirts. At least until a heel pokes an eyeball out. Men.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:35 pm

…and what if their “way” seems “unsafe”?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:36 pm

I don’t think it stops until the heels poke both eyeballs out, PnB.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:39 pm

Well – when you surrender, ya don’t get to pick and choose.

Hey! I hadn’t thought of that, PnB. Upskirt whilst gettin’ high-heeled! Oooooh! That’s the way I want to go!

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:46 pm

The Steamboat Way gets my vote.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:48 pm

Thanks, jw!

…And in breaking news, NY Governor “Stink-Stick” Spitzer is set to resign tomorrow. he was just cutting a deal with the feds, since he violated a spazillion laws.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:53 pm

Did you see the market spike today? Heh heh.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:57 pm

“Stink-stick”…I like that. It fits him well. And I wonder what kind of deal he will strike…slap my hand lightly and I will resign without a fight.

He will then be fully qualified to be appointed AG of the US under Obama-jihadluvin-lhama.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 11, 2008, 5:59 pm

I noticed that weasel. Want to take bets on how it will do in November?

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 11, 2008, 6:04 pm

Upskirt whilst gettin’ high-heeled! Oooooh! That’s the way I want to go!

Men. *sigh*

Mr. PnB – Hey baby, you’re looking good *eyebrows wobble*
me – I have a 103 fever, chills, and diarrhea.
Mr. PnB – Nothing a little vitamin pnb won’t cure…brrr..waggle waggle

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 6:05 pm

Yeah, the market did quite nicely today.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 6:11 pm

pnb: it’s good for cramps, too.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 11, 2008, 6:16 pm

I wonder if the Gov’ had a plaque on his desk – much like Truman(?) that said:

“The Stink Sticks Here!”

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 11, 2008, 6:35 pm

Death by snu-snu.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 11, 2008, 6:52 pm

pnb: it’s good for cramps, too.

I was going to ask you if that was a testimonial but then I remembered it being one of several natural ‘remedies’ for such a thing.
Pile a hormone induced migraine, bloating, and (pardon the TMI)a supersized pad on them cramps, you’re going to be eating a fist if you try to talk teh wimmin into l’amour.

 


Comment from gnus
Time: March 11, 2008, 7:11 pm

Wait! Velma is teh ghey? Ruh roh.

Don’t tell Scooby.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 7:32 pm

pnb:
I never “try to talk teh wimmin into l’amour” under those circumstances… I merely state observable fact, then shut up and calmly await the victory of exasperation over reluctance. I am the saxifrage of seducers. Even a Sabine woman must, eventually, relax to the inevitable.

And yes, I’ve eaten a fist or two in my time, now that you mention it.

 


Pingback from Snot wrestling | Cold Fury
Time: March 11, 2008, 8:36 pm

[…] Stoaty muses on definitions: I’d rather argue with a leftist than a centrist any day. The leftist at least has a structure to push against. Arguing with a ‘moderate’ is like snot wrestling. […]

 


Comment from Al Maviva
Time: March 11, 2008, 10:56 pm

Hey, nice site. I wish I’d come over here before… good point on ‘moderates.’ In earlier days they noted that the only thing you find in the middle of the road are broken lines, cracks and dead skunks. I think your snot wrestling term is a bit more useful. And I think I’ll probably remember the Picklehammer forever, or at least until I try to use it to pry some framing nails out of a 2×4, only to find an old Jewish guy ate half with his pastrami on rye.

BTW, I’ll see your Robert Culp, and raise you a Curley Culp.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 11, 2008, 11:39 pm

Welcome to the mustelidrome, AL Maviva. Now, would that make it an oila culpa?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 12, 2008, 5:31 am

Awww…sprots! That’s cheating. I don’t know nothing about no sprots.

 


Comment from Cowtipper
Time: March 12, 2008, 7:20 am

Whats next…your going to tell me the neighbor on Married With Children is gay?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 12, 2008, 7:27 am

Hey, that’s right. She was. Marcy D’Arcy. She actually had to marry Ted McGinley, which has to be the ultimate in shark jumping. At least she didn’t give birth to Cousin Oliver.

I am so ashamed that I have braincells devoted to this…

 


Pingback from Daily Pundit » Snot Wrestling
Time: March 13, 2008, 9:20 am

[…] S. Weasel I’d rather argue with a leftist than a centrist any day. The leftist at least has a structure to push against. Arguing with a ‘moderate’ is like snot wrestling. […]

 


Comment from 40sumpthin
Time: March 13, 2008, 6:55 pm

I’m still stuck on Mary Ann and 69, something in my youth coming back…must…resist..

 


Comment from wwe video
Time: December 24, 2008, 12:56 pm

I bought one of those weird tiny innertubes at a garage sale when I was about 13. Had no idea what it was; I just thought it was weird (and at 13, weird is synonymous with cool). My aunt told me what it was, and was rather flustered that that information did nothing to dissuade me (13, remember?) from carrying it around everywhere that summer.

 

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