Let’s share more
Hey, it’s the weekend! In the wake of last week’s epically popular thread Show Me Your Favorite Scar, how about Dumb Things I Have Done?
That’s an unspeakably target-rich environment for me, but I already promised to tell you about the time I decoupaged myself into my panties. It’s not actually a very exciting story, but here goes.
I was living in an ancient apartment building, which was controlled by a single thermostat. Said thermostat was in the apartment of a very old lady. Needless to say, Beelzebub would’ve been comfy in that place. The rest of us went about all Winter in our beach clothes with the windows thrown wide.
This to explain why I was lacquering a wooden box wearing nothing but my underpants. I knocked over the can of lacquer, which poured into the top drawer of my desk, and from there to my lap. I had important things in that desk drawer; fiddly gadgety things — this was back when a decent calculator was a hundred bucks — so I was concentrating real hard on getting things out of that drawer and wiped.
I didn’t really think about the hardening puddle of lacquer in my lap until those oh-so-volatile lacquer solvents reached the oh-so-sensitive tissue of my lady bits.
And by that time, it was almost too late.
Lacquer dries real fast. Pain, flat panic, soap and an absolute horror of explaining myself to a paramedic is all that got me out of those panties. Large bits of me went with the panties. Large bits of the panties stayed with me…oh, for weeks afterwards.
It’s not the definitive dumb thing I’ve done in a lifetime of dumb-thing-doing, but it is representative of the type.
And you?
April 30, 2010 — 10:05 pm
Comments: 79
The kind of utter lameness you just won’t get anywhere else
Oops! Got distracted tonight and didn’t put together a proper blogpost. Whenever that happens, I just mosey over to the Daily Mail and pick the first headline that catches my eye.
And here you go: grave-robbing badgers! Dug themselves a sett under three 100-year-old graves, scattering human remains everywhere.
It is illegal to screw with a badger sett during the breeding season (which is now), so council staff are quietly collecting bones and waiting for the badgers to quit making whoopie. Though what the farmers generally do is smack them over the head with a shovel and leave them on the side of the road.
See how easy that was? Next time I get jammed up, y’all can go to the Daily Mail for yourself.
Oh, wait. One more. It’s a shig! It’s a peep! Naw, it’s just a pig with a woolly coat. Have a good weekend, everyone! If you don’t see me around Monday, somebody come dig me out of the volcanic ash.
April 16, 2010 — 9:33 pm
Comments: 19
I don’t see what’s so…oh.
I stared at this one the longest time without spotting anything awkward about it. Maybe it’s a little easier in color.
Yeah. I’m reduced to browsing AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. The kind of thing I amuse myself with while I’m waiting around for somebody famous to do something dumb and easily Photoshoppable.
Though I’m really more of an Ugliest Tattoos kind of gal. I simply cannot BELIEVE some of the ugly shit people have permanently etched onto their bodies. With apologies to any of my readers who sport ink, even the well-drawn ones won’t look good forever.
Some day, old folks’ homes all across the land will be full of wrinkly, billowing barbed wire and saggy, blurry kanji.
April 6, 2010 — 11:15 pm
Comments: 24
Stoaty loves ya, crusty old goobers…
I don’t know how Alexa comes up with this shit, but that’s what they say. Me, I’m thrilled. If you had any idea how hard I’ve word to attract the aging serial killer demographic…!
Yes, yes…that’s your lot today. Easter is a four-day public holiday here, centered around food. Like huge Cadbury eggs.
I’m not sure an industrial quantity of booze is part of the traditional celebrations, but it’s working just fine.
April 5, 2010 — 11:31 pm
Comments: 45
Odds and ends
I’m going to give it a rest tonight — because, frankly, I just didn’t get my next hideous nightmarish caricature of Nancy Pelosi done in time.
See that thing in the corner? It appeared tonight out of nowhere while I was surfing the Zazzle forums. It is the forum equivalent of a giant, swinging tallywhacker.
I have arrived.
Okay, actually, it just means I’ve made at least a hundred bucks at least three months in a row. So I haven’t actually arrived, but I’ve certainly left the station! Thank you all for every grubby penny! Mwah!
Nature Roundup
Uncle B went out to check his greenhouse last night and came running back with his eyes as wide as tea saucers. He shone his flashlight across the ditch at the back garden, and there, not a dozen feet away, was a real, live badger!
The nearest sett we know of is a mile up, across a busy road, so we didn’t think they came this far. Badger ran off, but we spent the rest of the evening pitching stale bread into the field.
If the farmer catches us doing that, he’ll murdelate us.
Then this morning, I look out the kitchen window, and there’s a swan. So there’s that.
And I was just drifting off to my customary evening nap (the pace of life here really gets to me, y’know?) when I heard the quiet ticking of the deathwatch beetle in the corner. So they’re back this year, too.
I leave you with my favorite Zazzle shirt of all time. (No, it’s not mine. My one is here).
I totally want to own that thing.
March 24, 2010 — 11:08 pm
Comments: 21
We’re here, we’re marshmallows and we don’t want any more of that stuff we don’t like
I’m sure you’ve heard of the Coffee Party — an astroturfical answer to the Tea Parties. Organized by Facebook page and as as spontaneous as you’d expect (though I don’t think this one is a professional job; it’s just too lame).
Yeah, tens of thousands of people can march in dozens of cities over months, and the media never hoid of them. Thirty liberals get together in somebody’s basement, and the New York Times is all over it.
Anyhow, in a fit of laudible silliness, Zombie has started a FB page for the Cocoa Party.
We are 100% weedroots. No astroturf Obama-campaigning former New York Times employees in the Cocoa Movement, no sirree! No grassroots racist fascist redneck Neanderthal Teabaggers either! And no hyper-partisan strategists calling the shots in this movement. We are a spontaneous and collective expression of our desire to forge a culture of ludicrous propaganda that is entirely blame-oriented.
People are having fun with it — and you can, too!
Also note that Stoaty Weasel has a FB account. I don’t know why you’d want to friend it; I never update it. I got it to keep company with the Twitter account I never use.
March 3, 2010 — 10:23 pm
Comments: 14
Anybody watching this thing?
Scootch over, everybody. Our own Red State Witch has started a blog.
Imagine that, huh? A whole new blog!
Anyhow, he asked if I would put him on the Official Moronosphere blogroll and it occured to me — is anybody minding that thing? Conservative Belle maintained the original list, but I don’t know if it’s been updated since forever (I sent her a note this morning, but I reckon I’m caught in the spam filter with the rest of the pocket lint).
The Moronosphere, for youse latecoming morons, is a list of blogs inspired by Ace of Spades and broadly similar in outlook, if not necessarily awesomeness.
I used to walk that whole list every day, back when I had a corporate gig. There are some excellent blogs on it. Now that I’m unemployed, though, I just don’t have the time.
Even when I was checking it, there were a few blogs on the list that had gone dark. I’d love to have the latest, if any Moron out there knows of a clean list.
February 13, 2010 — 5:38 pm
Comments: 12
Lookit the kitty!
So Uncle B’s, like, “you can’t go take a bath instead of writing a blog post!”
And I’m, like, “pff! Sure I can! I’ve done disappointing, lame-ass posts lots of times. I’ll just put up a cute cat picture and act natural.”
I hit one of those “ZOMG you have a virus click here to fix it!” fake sites earlier and had to stop everything and do a full Malwarebytes scan, so here’s your cute cat picture.
I don’t know where I stole that snow leopard, but it seems appropriate. We’ve been snowed in today, and it’s snowing like a BASTARD out there right now. Okay, we’re only in the four inches range — which I realize now qualifies as flurries in our nation’s capitol — but it really isn’t letting up and that’s about max for where we are.
Though there was one legendary snowstorm in the Sixties when they had to airlift food to this area. I sure hope Brits know beer is food.
February 10, 2010 — 9:03 pm
Comments: 17
From one old broad to another…
GrannyJ is a former journalist and sometime sweasel-reader who has been knocked down with pneumonia. Or the peenumonia, as my mother used to call it. If you want to know what that has to do with Her Maj, you’ll have to wander over to Granny’s blog to find out.
And leave her an encouraging word, if you’re so inclined. She’s in rehab at the moment (no, not THAT rehab — been-sick rehab); I’m sure good wishes will go a long way.
I had pneumonia (I think) a few years ago. Sick as a dog. By the time I realized how sick I was, I was too sick to make arrangements to go to the hospital or anything. I slept sitting in a chair for a week waiting for it to pass.
Worse, it was six months before I got my stamina back. Before that experience, I had no idea oxygen and stamina were essentially the same thing.
Hey, GrannyJ — if you move over here, Her Maj will send you a birthday card on your 100th. No kidding.
Of course, she’ll be a pretty old broad herself by then.
February 8, 2010 — 4:34 pm
Comments: 22
Hey! Hey, readers! Hey, readers! Hey!
Okay, so am I, like, the last person to discover the internet meme again? Been laughing myself silly over the Really Annoying Orange this morning.
If you’re even more behind than I am (what’re the odds?) the orange’s personal YouTube channel is here.
Or, if you’re a thoroughly lazy sack of shit (again, odds?), here are direct links to episode 1, episode 2, episode 3, episode 4, episode 5 and episode 6.
Knife!
February 4, 2010 — 11:08 am
Comments: 26