They’re real and they’re…well, presumably spectacular
Deep fried Mars bar. I always wondered if that was for real, but if the Scotsman is highlighting it as their Scottish Fact of the Week, then I guess it’s legit. They turned twenty last year.
Okay, I’m a fraud. I have been following the news. Oh, not American politics, which still makes me want to punch kittens. I’ve been watching, with an increasing sphincter-clench, the Far East hotting up fast. Wasn’t there a time when threatening to bomb the US mainland was an unequivocal act of war? But China has no intention of shutting Pyongyang up.
Meanwhile, they — China — are beefing up their drone arsenal, just as we have been telling everybody we’ll send our drones where we like and shoot whom we please. (Nice precedent, guys. Really, as an aside, we’d better litigate an individual right to shoot at drones before we don’t know whose drone that is over Mr McGregor’s barn).
Oh, skip all that and just read this one, an overview of how tetchy it is between Japan and China at the moment. All it takes is a slip of the finger in the danger zone and I smell history coming at us, fast.
So — fuck it! — candy bars it is. Near as I can figure it, a Mars Bar is what we ‘Muricans would call a Milky Way. Because — again I say, fuck it! — when you’ve got World War Yang coming at you, a 1,200 calorie snack doesn’t seem that big a problem.
March 26, 2013 — 11:12 pm
Comments: 36
Oh, Amsterdam
Amsterdam’s oldest prostitutes. They’re seventy. They’re twins. And their name is Fokkens. Of course it is.
After fifty years, seven children and and 355,000 men between them, they’re retiring. Of course they are.
Arthritis comes to us all.
March 15, 2013 — 12:00 am
Comments: 26
Well, there goes my post for tonight
Boo. Looks like that hilarious new North Korean propaganda video about Americans living in tents and cups of coffee made out of snow was, in fact, deliberately written as comedy by something calling itself the North Korea Comedy Show. Who or what that may be is not clear.
I do know they’ve spent the evening talking with lawyers, trying to make their suddenly viral video go un-viral again. So there’s that. You can watch it here. It’s still pretty funny.
Also, Googling around trying to find out who the North Korean Comedy Show is, I found this old article. Which is funny, in a sad North Korean way.
Oh, also – ¡Ay, caramba! We have a new pope! I, for one, am looking forward to saying, “lighten up, Francis” every time he issues a papal edict.
March 13, 2013 — 11:42 pm
Comments: 25
Miracles of Cuban medicine
So, I’m guessing they have Hugo Chavez hooked up to the latest modern machinery. While I suspect they will soon reach the limits of potato-based medicine, I’m not comfy calling the Dead Pool until we get an official death notice. That could take Some Time.
(On an unrelated note, did you see where Ariel Sharon is showing significant brain activity hooked up to a Functional MRI? Brrrrr).
No new Dead Pool tomorrow, even in the unlikely event they call him out before six WBT. So, tough luck, Hutch…for now.
February 28, 2013 — 10:34 pm
Comments: 24
Things you don’t like to see in your inbox
This isn’t spam. I’m registered with the US Embassy in London, so’s somebody knows where I’m supposed to be in case I…bump into Dennis Moore and I’m fresh out of lupins or something.
They don’t contact me often. The previous email I got from them was telling me the last mailing day for packages to reach home by Christmas. Then this.
The Department of State has issued this Worldwide Caution to update information on the continuing threat of terrorist actions and violence against U.S. citizens and interests throughout the world. U.S. citizens are reminded to maintain a high level of vigilance and to take appropriate steps to increase their security awareness. This replaces the Worldwide Caution dated July 18, 2012, to provide updated information on security threats and terrorist activities worldwide.
I don’t remember getting a Caution in July. I think it would’ve stuck in my head. Anyhoo, it rambles on for two thousand words of badly-formatted blah-blah-blah — stuff pretty much anyone who follows international news would probably know. This bit was cute:
In September 2012, civil unrest, large scale protests and demonstrations as well as violent attacks – some of which were in reaction to an anti-Islamic video and cartoons – targeted U.S. missions and schools overseas including in Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Sudan, and Yemen.
That’s as close as it got to Benghazi. Note the dollop of weasel sauce in the middle. If anyone wants a copy of the whole boring thing, I’ll send it to you or post it or something.
So! Why? And why now?
February 20, 2013 — 11:49 pm
Comments: 15
Imagine
John Lennons on the rampage in Belo Horizonte, Brazil.
Convicted drug trafficker John Lenon Camargos Gomes, 22, suspected of five murders and two attempts. John Lennon Ribeiro Siqueira, 19, was busted for robbing a lottery shop. Armed and dangerous. John Lennon Fonseca Ferreira, 22, was nicked for attempted robbery. John Lennon Sebastiao da Silva, 18, was found dead in a car, victim of a suspected revenge killing.
The name John Lennon became very popular in Brazil after the Beatlecide. For decades, apparently.
February 6, 2013 — 10:36 pm
Comments: 44
I’m trying to be all shocked and outraged
I’m trying really, really hard to feel menaced. I really am. But. I dunno.
If you haven’t seen the North Korean propaganda YouTube everyone’s talking about, go see it now. No, I mean it — if you want to see it, go now. Copies are being taken down as quickly as they’re uploaded, on account of it violates Activision’s copyright.
Yeah. The games company. That scary bomb-America footage was stolen from the computer game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. And the soundtrack is a tinkly piano version of We Are the World.
Are you askeert yet? Because there’s also a sleeping Korean, dreaming his dreamy dreams of world domination, and smiling in his sleep. And an occasional swoosh of sparkly stars, like the one that wafted out of Tinkerbell’s wand in the introduction to Disney’s Wonderful World of Color. B-r-r-r-ing.
If this were any scarier, it could be an episode of My Little Pony.
February 5, 2013 — 11:15 pm
Comments: 28
ZOMG!
In case you missed it somehow, I’m riffing on the Newsweek “Muslim Rage” cover, which annoyed some and amused some and disgusted others. Yes, that is speck of spittle in his beard. No, I did not P’shop it in (but, as per usual, if anyone wants the raw color Photoshop file to make your own high-larious captions, drop me an email).
And before you get too complacent, First Worldies, I’m totally not kidding — the McRib has been rolled back to December. It was scheduled to go out in October.
ULULULULU!!!!
September 17, 2012 — 10:18 pm
Comments: 31
Everything is coming up Workforce Update 28
Oh. OH! Can I have a meme? I swear I’ll take care of it. I’ll feed it and take it for walks. Just this once, pleeeease?
It seems someone used the microwave to warm up people shit in Brighton (it’s hard to beat the headline Poo Found in Brighton Council Microwave).
The council being the council, they wrapped the appliance in crime scene tape and stuck a note to it. And left it there for a week.
An update sent round to all members of staff, titled Workforce Update 28, said: “The microwave in the canteen has unfortunately been used to heat excrement and cannot be made hygienic or safe to use.
“Please do not use. We will have it disconnected and removed.
“This kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable and we will not be replacing the microwave.”
Staff has taken to referring to the whole incident as Workforce Update 28. Which is the meme I want. It’s my meme, and I want it.
Unfortunately, I haven’t pinned down the situation where this phrase would be appropriate. Which of life’s many vicissitudes corresponds to “someone has heated a bowl of shit in the communal microwave”?
July 31, 2012 — 9:53 pm
Comments: 45
I’m going with kittens.
Oh, no. No no no. Deranged gunman, so not my beat. Not when it’s all hot and fresh and chock full of unknowns, anyway.
Let’s go with kittens. Specifically, these two Amur leopard kittens, born about six weeks ago in a big cat sanctuary in Kent.
Amur leopards are from the Russian far East and they’re the most endangered big cats on earth. No more than 35 of them in the wild, and around 100 in captivity. Hundred and two now.
There. Isn’t that better?
July 20, 2012 — 9:11 pm
Comments: 44