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Exclusive! The Weasel Times has obtained this beautiful short audio sample from the Katzenhuffins’ upcoming album:


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Or click here to download. You’ll want to save this one and enjoy it with headphones!

March 12, 2008 — 8:12 am
Comments: 44

Blind Lemon Paterson

david patersonWhoa! I just found out (via Protein Wisdom) that the lieutenant governor of New York is a brother. And he’s blind. That is so excellent! Why, the blues lyrics practically write themselves!

Look! He even has a little blues beard and everything.

According to GaySocialites.com (what? I found it on a Google images search), Republican Joe Bruno of the Senate will then become Lt. Governor. And Paterson was originally tipped to replace Hillary! should she claw her way to the presidency (he’s an experienced NY pol), so New York politics should shake up nicely after this. Thank you, Eliot Spitzer, for being such a horndog scumbag.

I wonder if that means Paterson can pick Bruno’s successor? I believe the R’s have a one-seat majority at present, so that could be even interestinger.

This is as good a place as any to post the Rules for Blues. Uncle B sent me this recently (well, this particular version I snagged off the Web on account of I can’t access my email from work. Yeah. Got the blues about that). The original Rules for Blues started out modestly in 1947 and quickly took on a life of its own. Here’s a standard incarnation.

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.

9. Breaking your leg cuz a alligator be chomping on it is.

10. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

11. Good places for the Blues: a) highway b) jailhouse c) empty bed

Bad places: a) Nordstrom’s b) gallery openings c) Ivy League institutions d) golf courses.

12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be a old black man, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a) you’re older than dirt b) you’re blind c) you shot a man in Memphis d) you can’t be satisfied.

No, if: a) you have all your teeth b) you were once blind but now can see c) the man in Memphis lived d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a) bad wine b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon c) muddy water d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) mixed drinks b) kosher wine c) Snapple d) sparkling water.

16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie b) Big Mama c) Bessie d) Fat River Dumpling.
Some Blues names for men: a) Joe b) Willie c) Little Willie d) Big Willie.

Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit): name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

19. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it – with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.

— 8:12 am
Comments: 26