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Huh. I wonder what killed him.

Mr (1932-2014) and Mrs Casey Kasem. She was his second wife, but no last-minute gold-digger — they were married for 34 years. His first marriage — the one that produced the three angry children — lasted only seven. Just saying.

Looks like ol’ Casey was way, way to the left of good sense — he actively supported McGovern, followed by Jesse Jackson, Ralph Nader and Dennis Kucinich.

On the other hand — Shaggy Rogers! He also voiced Robin from the Batman/Superman Hour and Alexander on Josie and the Pussycats. And those were just his repeating gigs.

Rest in peace — all is forgiven.

So ScotttheBadger takes the dick! Standby for Dead Pool Round 64. Friday, 6WBT.

Be here or be bicurious!

sock it to me

June 16, 2014 — 9:38 pm
Comments: 20

Wouldja lookit the time!

Well, would you look at that! It’s Friday the 13th, it’s a full moon and the whole world is burning (those excitable brown people in the East, anyway). Eh, in the immortal words of Scarlet O’Hara, “fuck that, it’s Friday!”

Here, I think you should follow this guy on Twitter: Greenwich Mean Time. Twice a day, randomly, it tells you the time. And is mean to you.

It’s 8.37pm. You didn’t get that job because you smell like shit and also because you’re fucking stupid…It’s 8.15pm. It’s not just in your head, your tone of voice IS awful…It’s 10.50am. You could be outside but instead, you’re stuck in an office because you made all the wrong life decisions…It’s 2.41pm. All your school friends were paid actors from a local children’s television workshop. It nearly bankrupted your parents…It’s 11.19pm. I hope you shit yourself in your sleep…It’s 10.29pm. You’re a twatparrot…It’s 12.15am. Even those fake followers you bought have muted you.

What? No, I don’t use Twitter much these days, either. But I’d rather have an anonymous internutter pretending to be a clock insult me twice a day than follow current events at the moment. Or, you know, sharp stick in the eye is good.

Good weekend, all!

sock it to me

June 13, 2014 — 10:15 pm
Comments: 28

Guyz! Guyz!

You’ll never guess! I got a job!

It’s kind of a lousy job — a few hours a week of light office work, basically — but it’s at a way cool place and will very likely turn into something better if I stick with it and, you know, strategically murder my cow-orkers over time. So forgive me if I’m distracted for a bit until I get the hang of my new routine.

Oh, and hey — Iraq is turning to shit.

sock it to me

June 12, 2014 — 10:29 pm
Comments: 32

Hillary feels ya

Dear posterity: current events reference here (warning: Slate link).

sock it to me

June 11, 2014 — 10:08 pm
Comments: 17

We sell kitteh by the kilo here, son

Spotted today in a farm shop several villages over. The man gently lifted the cat off the scale to weigh our pork chops. Made him nervous when Uncle B took out the cellphone; he probably thought we were narks.

sock it to me

June 10, 2014 — 10:54 pm
Comments: 20

It does what now?

Late Saturday night, I’m sitting up in bed reading and Uncle B decides he has a hankering for toast. As you do. Five minutes later — BANG! — the whole house goes dark.

Fortunately for me, I was reading my Android, so I crept downstairs by its friendly glow (take that, stupid old paper books that are not actually on fire). While he fiddled with the fuse box, I shone a flashlight down into the toaster and…

slugs. Two slugs. Our emeffing toaster was full of emeffing slugs. Shorted the emeffer out with their emeffing wet bodies.

After struggling with ourselves all weekend, we’ve come to the conclusion the toaster has to go. No matter what we do to to it, we will never pop a couple slices of cheaploaf in there without thinking slugs. Toasty slugs. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Oh, dear god, it’s so disgusting.

So, toaster shopping. Meet the Tefal Tt552842 Toast N Bean. While it toasts your toasteses, it heats beans in that little cup on the side there.

Beans, like those runny orange Heinz baked beans you remember from church picnics. Brits think that shit is breakfast food. On toast. There’s also a knob around back that lets you listen to cricket and a linguistic setting that forces you to say “petrol” and “toMAHto.”

We aren’t getting this one.

sock it to me

June 9, 2014 — 8:50 pm
Comments: 41

Ann B. Davis: a tribute

As you’ve probably heard, actress Ann B. Davis fell and conked her head last Sunday and died. She was 88. Nobody had her in this Dead Pool, but I would like to give her a sweasel.com shout-out anyway.

Davis had a rare screen gift: a cheerful sexlessness. And, indeed, most of the obits note that the actress was never romantically linked with anyone in her whole life.

She had a twin. Nobody revealed whether the twin got any.

Davis found religion in 1976, joining an evangelical Anglican church that she stuck with to the end. Evangelican Anglicans sounds a little contradictory to me, but I’m used to the Anglish Anglicans, who are pretty anglicable.

Davis never entirely retired from acting. Also, in 1994, she put her name to Alice’s Brady Bunch Cookbook which includes recipes for “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia Muffins” and “Groovy Old-Fashioned Pancakes.”

Kirkus reviews sniffs, “Cookies made with instant oatmeal and Snickers bars are way too sweet, and St. Paddy’s Whole Wheat Oatmeal Bread has the texture of sawdust and a dog-biscuit taste only Tiger could love. A final chapter gives recipes from the cast members themselves, including Eve Plumb’s lamely joking instructions for making boiled water out of ice. Even intense nostalgia cannot justify this book.”

Incidentally, the publisher of that inestimable volume also offer Mary Ann’s Gilligan’s Island Cookbook, but Granny’s Beverly Hillbillies Cookbook and Aunt Bee’s Mayberry Cookbook are totally by somebody else. Don’t even get me started on the I Love Lucy Cookbook!

Good weekend, all!

sock it to me

June 6, 2014 — 10:22 pm
Comments: 20

The weakest of weak tea

So Obama delivered a few bland, wet remarks about Scottish independence at a press conference for the G7 summit. It was a classic Obama “on the one hand this, on the other hand that” nothingburger.

Douglas Alexander, the shadow Foreign Secretary (that means the party out of power) noted, “His clear statement of support for the UK staying together will resonate with many of us here in Scotland.” Which is a hilariously (an hilariously?) inapt description of his few weak, mumbled lines.

I don’t know how to break it to anybody here, but we have never had an American president who gave less of a small wet fart about Britain, Europe…the whole of Western Civ. Dude is an African/Indonesian/Hawaiian Muzzy simp with a side order of Pok-e-stohn.

p.s. by the way — go Scottish independence! If they break away, Britain will never have a Lefty government again.

sock it to me

June 5, 2014 — 10:44 pm
Comments: 17

Headline: “Man disappointed with penis enlarger”

I should think so.

“The instructions that came with the package merely read: ‘Do not use in sunlight’.”

Words to live by.

“Men and women are equally vulnerable to these scams.”

Ehhhh…I don’t think so.

sock it to me

June 4, 2014 — 10:28 pm
Comments: 12

Oh, that is some cherce stupid

Check this out; it’s a flyer someone poked through our next-door neighbor’s mail slot just before the Euro elections two weeks ago. For some reason, they didn’t put one in our box, so she shared.

It’s from the World Socialist Party, and it’s a truly rich and steamy vein of bullshit. Here are highlights from the above excerpt:

There is no money. There is no war. There are no rich people. There are no poor people. There are no leaders. All decisions are shared. All responsibilities are shared.

[…]

You now have no bills to pay, no rent, no mortgage, no debts. Everything is free, nothing is for sale, and neither are you. But you want to help, just like others do.

[…]

You might have chosen to drive a bus or a train, fix plumbing, coordinate a data network, plough a field, teach a child, organise an event, study engineering, cure a disease, brew beer, rehearse a play. You might choose to work four hours a week, or fouteen or forty.

So, lemme get this straight, four hours a week I brew beer (if I feel like it). For ten hours a day, my neighbor ploughs a freaking field he doesn’t own to grow crops he doesn’t control. Then we share equally in everything. Oh, no need for leaders or guys with guns to make this happen or anything.

Does anybody really believe this could work? C’mon. It has to be a put on, surely.

Click the picture for the whole flyer; there’s much more stupid where that came from. Or visit their website, if you think you can keep a straight face.

What do you bet their meetings always end in bitter acrimony and down-twinkles.

sock it to me

June 3, 2014 — 9:45 pm
Comments: 23