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My daddy didn’t buy a cow, and I won’t either

gore family cow

Ten years ago, I bought a six-shooter in a little shop in Alexandria, Tennessee. Buying a gun is a wingnut bonding ritual; it involves telling each other progressively wingnuttier stories for an hour or two before getting down to bidness. Thus, the buyer knows the seller is an honest man and the seller knows the buyer isn’t a BATF agent trying to trip him up and nick his license.

Anyhow, the shopkeep told me that Al Gore, Sr, ran a crooked cattle auction in nearby Carthage. People would come from all over (“desert sheiks in robes and all kind of thing”) to pay way over the odds for an angus cow that they, like as not, never even picked up. One man, asked on the way out what to do with the grievously overpriced cow he’d just bought, shrugged and said, “throw it in the grinder, I guess.” He didn’t buy a cow, he bought a sitting Senator.

I didn’t think much of the story, but last time I was home, I remembered to ask my dad if it was true. His face lit up, “you bet it’s true!” When he came to Nashville in the ’60s to take a position in Democrat Frank Clement’s government (my dad’s a Republican, duh), somebody took him aside and told him, “Son, you’d better buy a cow.”

Al Senior was a slick, sharp, old school Southern fraud. His son is a different flavor of phony altogether. I’ve never met him, but he’s a sort of a FOAF. My impression? Sharp as a bag of wet mice; a cipher; a bozo; an empty vessel, hollowed out to hold his father’s ambitions.

Politicians have issues the way the Senior Prom has a theme. Ex-military men become the military guy, unchallengable on all things military. Ex-doctors are experts not just on medical issues, they are the compassion guy. Women and minorities are women and minorities.

Legislators without a built-in hook generally pick one at random (this helpful video explains the process). Al picked the environment.

I believe he is genuinely puzzled that anyone would take him to task for flying around the world to tell people not to fly so much. So what if one of his three mansions uses twenty times the electricity of the average family? Don’t you get it? He’s the Environment Guy. Except when he’s wearing an eyepatch — then he’s a pirate!

That was my rambling preamble for grassfire.org‘s Carbon Belch Day. Thursday, June 12th, turn on your space heaters, open a window, set fire to something (or someone!), fart, drive around in circles, eat meat, mow the lawn. Take the pledge! DO NOT BUY THE GORE FAMBLY COW!

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:48 am

I originally worded that “my daddy didn’t buy THE cow” but that sounds like he didn’t marry my mom. There’s one humiliation I was spared.

If you Google “gore” and “cattle auction” you’ll get lots of variants of the story. Most date to the 2000 election season and are along the lines of “the cows weren’t that overpriced” and “there’s no proof Gore was actually influenced.”

More interesting, most of the hits reveal that Armand Hammer (don’t laugh; scary dude) got Gore into the cattle business in the first place. Hmmmmmm.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:51 am

Oh, ummm…and should you ever need it, I also ran across CowKool.com, the most efficient cow cooling system available with a 98.9% summer/winter milk yielding ratio.

 


Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: May 29, 2008, 11:37 am

hits reveal that Armand Hammer (don’t laugh; scary dude) got Gore into the cattle business in the first place.

Armand Hammer was a very scary dude who was counting on the Soviets to cause the downfall of America.

When the Soviets joked about a capitalist selling them the rope to hang us with, Armand was in Moscow taking orders.

 


Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: May 29, 2008, 11:42 am

BTW, that is the best capsule description of Al Gore’s political life and acumen I have ever seen.

 


Comment from Lokki
Time: May 29, 2008, 12:22 pm

Sigh – Al’s daddy was so old fashioned….. and made such a petty and fussy pretense at making the transaction at least look honest to the quick glance.

Hillary didn’t have to even have actual cows… too much bother.

She just speculated in cattle futures – and made $100K a day at it, as I recall.

Still I’m amused at the irony of Al Gore being raised on the finest bull….

And I promise to leave the cars idling and run the AC with the windows open on Belch Day. I subscribe to the theory that the whole global warming/Gaia/”science!” thing is indeed religion for people for have rejected that “old time religion”.

History is full of warnings of an angry, vengeful God or god or gods who will punish us out to the seventh generation, if we don’t act better. Since anal sex is just OK now (for an example) we need new sins to replace the old ones. If global warming is finally understood to be a fraud, there will be a new scare – aliens, perhaps, who will punish us for using up more than our fair share of the universe’s bounty….

I often ask the Gaiaistas why their God is such an old testament, angry type who is so so intent on punishing us for actions. They never get it. It’s “Science!”

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: May 29, 2008, 12:51 pm

I love cows. They’re nummy.

Great post, Your Ladyness!

 


Comment from Princess Bernie
Time: May 29, 2008, 12:54 pm

Speaking of aliens, someone in the mile high city is apparently not getting enough oxygen to his brain. Will address city council and release alien video.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,359563,00.html

And evidently the Pope says it’s okay for us Catholics to believe in aliens.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: May 29, 2008, 1:22 pm

And why not? The Pope already said it’s okay for us to believe in Prada.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: May 29, 2008, 1:27 pm

If global warming is finally understood to be a fraud, there will be a new scare – aliens, perhaps, who will punish us for using up more than our fair share of the universe’s bounty….

Probing anal sex with aliens…..oh wait…

 


Comment from nbpundit
Time: May 29, 2008, 3:45 pm

I am soooooo using this over at GCP.

Heh™

 


Comment from WTF
Time: May 29, 2008, 3:54 pm

Too late. The gummint is buying it for you.

 


Comment from Farmer Joe
Time: May 29, 2008, 4:29 pm

This is the first year since I moved into this house that I’m going to make it to June 1 without turning on my air conditioner.

 


Comment from Rocketeer
Time: May 29, 2008, 4:38 pm

That right there is the world’s most awesomest summation of the Gore Family Political Syndicate that I have ever read.

And Farmer Joe? For shame. I didn’t even put the unit in last year. Although to be fair, I am a KYian so my heat tolerance may be higher than yours.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 5:59 pm

A KYian? Ewwww. I didn’t realize they’d built a religion around KY.

(Yeah. That’s right. You say something nice to me and I zing you in return. What part of “weasel” is unintelligible?)

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: May 29, 2008, 6:00 pm

Sell the same cow over and over again, is it a cash cow?

I got no beef with that. Milk the system for all it’s worth, I say.

Moooooving right along, I’m about to stampede my way right out of this comment, lest I steer it the wrong way.

(no caffeine and I’m going insane – good-bye cruel world, at least until tonight when I get back on the computer)

 


Pingback from Hollow men | Cold Fury
Time: May 29, 2008, 6:27 pm

[…] lays out an interesting tale: Anyhow, the shopkeep told me that Al Gore, Sr, ran a crooked cattle auction in nearby Carthage. […]

 


Comment from Allen
Time: May 29, 2008, 6:54 pm

I don’t need the CowKool thanks. I already have the HorseBeNotHot system installed. Meanwhile I am feeding the horses a special supplement for methane goodness for the upcoming gala.

 


Comment from Gnus
Time: May 29, 2008, 7:25 pm

So anal sex is OK now? I missed the memo, I guess. No wonder that fellow looked so surprised and all when I told him to fuck off and die.

Carbon Belch Day? Farts are a foregone conclusion. No problem there. I’m down with the rest of it too. In fact, I’ll not recycle anything that whole week. That’ll show ’em.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: May 29, 2008, 7:37 pm

In case anyone cares, it’s just the same here in GB. Damn nearly June and I have sat here shivering lately, refusing to switch the heating on, as the rain poured down.

Still got hippies on the TV preaching to me about global warming, of course.

 


Comment from Gnus
Time: May 29, 2008, 7:38 pm

Oooooooh! Sweasel, I just had a thought. Better get it written down. Hope you don’t mind.

I always thought Al Gore, Sr., was a passable senator, as legislators go. Of course, even though he was half of my senatorial representation at the time, I was young and callow, and didn’t give a rat flip about politicians or politics, so there is that.

Now that I think about it, I guess the best I can say is that I don’t remember any big scandals hung on Gore Sr. I sort of put the cow sales down to politics as usual. It was that much less he would steal from the taxpayers directly, or so I thought.

Anyways, I got to thinking… Wonder if Sr. is proud of his boy today. Junior being such a pussy and all, not to mention pretty much a laughing stock to at least half the US population, not to mention outposts of the rest of the civilized world. I bet he wonders how Jr. turned out to be such a fucking idiot.

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 7:58 pm

Steamboat McGoo:

“AGW is a fraud – pure and simple. The hockey stick is a fraud, the “CO2 causes/caused warming” is a fraud, and the models are all failures.”

Yeah. You guys aren’t elitists. I know a lot of working-class types who use words like anthropogenic.

And could you maybe spend a little time bashing another phony son of a phony? You know, the chickenhawk who cherry picked intelligence and lied his way into an illegal war. The one with the blood of over 4000 American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis on his hands.

Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:01 pm

Eh. You won’t find many Bush fans here, Seth. Dude is *way* to the left of most of us.

The rest of that I’m too bevodka’d to get the drift of.

 


Comment from Allen
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:12 pm

Uncle Badger, this has indeed been a very cool year. In some of the work on global warming they had some interesting papers on grape harvest dates going back 500 years. They showed the trends for harvesting date track global cooling and heating pretty well.

At any rate I have been growing grapes for twenty years and found this to be quite discernible. This year, the harvest will be 3-4 weeks later then normal.

 


Comment from iamfelix
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:17 pm

Jeez, I’m a working-class stiff at General Motors, and I hear (and use) anthropogenic a lot. Go back to Kos, Seth; your mommy’s callin’ you. And take your idiot lefty rhetoric with you.

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:22 pm

no. i’m utterly fascinated with this site. not going. so there. fucking elitist.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:27 pm

Yay! Please, Felix? He followed me home. I’ll feed him and clean his litter box! I swear!

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:30 pm

i’m staying. just don’t cut my balls off like the rest of these sad sacks.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:37 pm

Eh. I don’t have ’em d-balled any more. It just doesn’t help.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:45 pm

Have I been attacked? Besmirched? If so, should I crap in my hat, or wear it backwards?

Seth, if you’re trolling for me, you have to use little words and simple sentences. Then I’ll give you the attention I suspect you so richly deserve. Um…you do have sanitary napkins nearby, don’t you? Or a large roll of Bounty paper towels? Good….

Meanwhile – Weaz! What are you nartisting up for Carbon Belch Day? Is there an Original Weasel Creation burbling around in that presently be-vodka’ed brain of yours? Will it stun and delight the Moronosphere – as usual?

I’m dribbling in anticipatory delight!

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:46 pm

can i say i love that? cause i do. cats are way cooler than people. on this we agree.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:49 pm

But those of us that were de-sphered really have a lot of fun with helium. We can go all the way ultrasonic with our voice pitch!

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:50 pm

Seth – you asshole. You just scored points. Damn you…

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:54 pm

totally trolling for you man. but then i found your porn. are you a lube guy or au natural?

 


Comment from Allen
Time: May 29, 2008, 8:59 pm

Cats are the Spawn of Satan, at least my barn cat is. Then again he’s part bobcat, which might help explain things. So instead of just having normal cat authority issues he also has a really bad temper.

A trip to the vet for him sometimes involves an urgent care trip for me.

The upside though is that he doesn’t bring me any of his catches. That’s lunch.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:03 pm

Yeah, McGoo. I can’t be sure, but I think you got totally burned.

I used to be a troll. I have a warm spot. Or perhaps I’m incontinent.

I’m staying up, watching Adam-12. Jesus, the Sixties were ugly, weren’t they?

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:07 pm

Oh, lube for sure. When I pork trollers with my mighty Troll Trombone they don’t scream so much.

Found my porn stash, eh? Tell you what, just for you I’ll post some gay prolapsed anus butt sex.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:10 pm

Burned, eh? Funny – I don’t feel any different. Lemme go check my shorts.

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:12 pm

so wide-stance mcgoo spends his days providing male strangers new material to jerk off to and i’m the gay one?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:16 pm

Heh. Plus ça change, plus ça staythesame. So, they reveal Officer Whatsisname (the one on the left) has a buddy on the force. So of course dude gets shot twenty seconds later. The Red Shirt Rule: writ larger than you remembered.

Wait! You trying to start something, Seth? What did your daddy tell you about kicking Vaseline?

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:20 pm

Well, yeah Seth. Everybody’s gotta have a hobby.

I take it yours is carrying on infantile attacks on complete strangers – no doubt with your sweaty li’l wiener between your fingers. Are you in your mom’s basement?

Anyway – go for it. Meanwhile, you haven’t left a mark. Ya wanna scorch my undies you’ll have to do way better.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:20 pm

Huh. The officer on the left is looking pretty good these days.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:24 pm

Weaz – I really didn’t understand that last comment of yours. But that’s OK. I’m gonna assume it meant something profound.

C’mon, Seth. Stretch that li’l bwain of yours.

 


Comment from Allen
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:25 pm

Another good hulu series “Bad Astronomy” Black Hole Death Rays, I so want one of those.

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:26 pm

size queen to boot, eh?

word to the wise, this is what happens after widestance mcgoo is through with you:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/prolapse.asp#photo

edit: this is really gross. don’t actually look at it. mcgoo’s got a whole collection he’s gonna post. don’t want to steal his thunder.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:30 pm

It’s an Adam-12 thing, McGoo. The officer who rode shotgun was an actor called Kent McCord, who must surely have had some work done, because he looks damn good 40 years later.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:43 pm

Oh, no Seth! I was just gettin’ warmed up there. For my final results you have to go to the morgue.

I see now, Weazel. I figured it was something obscure (to me).

BTW: Now I’m getting a mini-troll over at A&A. Nothin’ interesting though. Just cursing – “A** H****” stuff. Maybe they disapproved of the porn today?

Seth – get out of the toilet and fire up that oh-so-powerful Leftist brain of yours. Toilets are for child-trolls.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:47 pm

By the way, Weaz, I’m #2 for the google hit “Swiftboats for good nooky”. Be envious…

Funny – I don’t even remember saying it. Musta been on opiates.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:53 pm

Well, that was dull.

 


Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:26 pm

Adam 12, now there’s a blast from the past! I used to watch that when I was a kid. Emergency! came on right after it.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:32 pm

I remember the show being on, but was never a fan. Ah-ha, but who amongst us remembers the original Clutch Cargo, with the “lips from an alien world” effect?

 


Comment from Lokki
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:33 pm

Ok, I’m bored with Seth now…. He went right from BDS to personal insults. Worse, he quit trying to impress us with big words. Weasel, your last troll was much more interesting. If we all chip in, we can probably find you a better one. Seriously.

– Take a look at Carl Gordon in this thread over at AOS – http://minx.cc/?post=265389Now there’s a troll!! Plus – he wanders off into the woods all by himself – no litterbox! Think about it…

 


Comment from Lokki
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:45 pm

Oh, and McGoo –
Here’s what Weasel was talking about with the Red Shirt Rule.

Courtesy of Wikipedia:

A redshirt is a stock character, used frequently in science fiction but also in other genres, whose purpose is to die soon after being introduced, thus indicating the dangerous circumstances faced by the main characters. The term comes from the science fiction television series Star Trek, in which security officers wear red shirts and are often killed on missions under the aforementioned circumstances

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:45 pm

The big words were marginally more interesting – that’s for sure. I blame myself for allowing/encouraging him to go to the toilet. Somehow we need to encourage high-quality trolls, ’cause Seth just didn’t cut it.

What do you suggest, Lokki? Set bait?

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:47 pm

Ah-ha! As soon as I started reading it the whole Star-trek redshirt stuff came back to memory. Thanks. I’m very tired today.

 


Comment from Seth
Time: May 29, 2008, 10:58 pm

Anarcho-syndicalism

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: May 29, 2008, 11:29 pm

Sinistroblogosphere

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: May 29, 2008, 11:29 pm

You know who’s really fun with trolls? Geoff. It’s exciting to see him interact with trolls!

 


Comment from Allen
Time: May 29, 2008, 11:51 pm

Adjective-anarchists, Zeno weeps. Tis sad when a self-proclaimed anarchist advocates government solutions.

My proudest moment on the internet via a comment: ” You damn anarchist, you want to get rid of government.” Sniff… I still get misty eyed.

 


Comment from Gregory the First
Time: May 30, 2008, 2:34 am

See, I’m doing this all wrong! I’m jist an’ amatchoor troll compared to Seth there. I’m not even a trol-ling. A-trolling. Git it? Git it?

But seriously guys, why the hate for meat? I mean, first it’s chicken(hawk), then it’s pork in congress, and ‘Lions for Lambs’, and now it’s damned Al-Bore cows? Sheeit, from now on, I’m gonna call earmarks ‘corn-ethanol’.

Reclaim our language! Animals is for eating, not insults!

 


Comment from Old Iron
Time: May 30, 2008, 4:36 am

No kidding. I’m tired of political slander and mud-slinging making me hungry.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: May 30, 2008, 11:47 am

Dang, I take a couple of days off to get some paying work done and the Weaz goes and gets her-sef a real live troll.

Hmmpph. Snazzle-frazzle racka-fritzle.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: May 30, 2008, 12:05 pm

Speaking of which, you oughtta do a post on the profanity of Saturday morning cartoons, Weaz.

You know:

Snazzle-frazzle racka-fritzle!
Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Okay, I think I just exhausted my encyclopedic knowledge of Saturday morning cartoon profanity. May want to hold off on that post, Weaz.

 


Comment from Lokki
Time: May 30, 2008, 12:06 pm

McGoo, you sly devil; “ set Troll Bait?…” Heh™. As if you weren’t setting out every troll-bait in the blogosphere on your site…

Not to mention the whole Denny’s set-up… :-)

Oh! Speak of Troll-baiters, and see who pops up! (Besides Steamboat) – Hello JW!

 


Comment from Lokki
Time: May 30, 2008, 12:16 pm

Cartoon Profanity? Great Suffering Succotash!

A special one for our host to start things off!
http://www.barbneal.com/wav/ltunes/yosemite/Sam12.wav

Found here (Just cut n’ paste and remove the space. Akismet gets cranky about things like this):

http: //www.barbneal.com/ysam.htm

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 30, 2008, 12:27 pm

Just got back from the pound. They have six kittens so teeny, I’m surprised that they’re weaned. D’you know, kittens that small aren’t even really all that cute. Well, they’re cute but they’re not a lot of fun. All they do is scream, shit and sleep. And eat, but that didn’t have an ‘s’ in it so it harshed my alliteration.

They’ve got one in there that’s about eight weeks old. That’s about the optimum kitten-to-fun ratio. At that age, they’re dancing and jiving and puffing up and putting on a whole Broadway show for you.

I spend most of my time with the old dudes, though. The kittens will just go flying out of there, but the old dudes are depressed and bored, whether they know they’re pretty doomed or not.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 30, 2008, 1:03 pm

Lokki – all my subtle efforts have been pearls before swine, dammit! I almost NEVER get trolls – and never good ones – over at A&A. I figure they value it more for a porn&idiocy source than a source of troll victims.

Weaz, Gently are you avenged for me talkin’ incessantly about moving while you sit and wait. You mention kitties.

Kitten.

I want my new-home-finally-settled kitten.

I’ve wanted this kitten for – oh – ten years or so.

I’m gonna have her custom built. Here:

http://www.breedlist.com/breeders/egy.html#Missouri

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 30, 2008, 1:13 pm

Snazzle-frazzle racka-fritzle!

JWP – thought that was a quote from A Christmas Story, perhaps one of the Darrin McGavin gibberish-cursing scenes.

Loved ’em.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 30, 2008, 1:24 pm

It is functionally impossible to be depressed around a kitten. I mean, unless it’s being crushed in a vise or something.

Never cuter than when they try their best to be menacing. “Y’arr! I’ll show you! I’ll make myself fluffier and hop around on my tiptoes!”

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: May 30, 2008, 2:19 pm

Exactly.

Kittens are just about perfect.

You said about 8 weeks, but I prefer ’em at 6-7 just to get a dab of that eat/shit/sleep behavior and then see it go away as the thing begins generating and burning infinite energy. Also, I think their “motor” i.e. their purr is loudest then. Or it seems so. Maybe it’s just bigger’n they are at that age.

 


Comment from LemurKing
Time: May 30, 2008, 3:30 pm

Weas, I think you’re describing this sort of behavior… our kitten Pica, who we had to give away because she was slowly killing our older cat.

http://lemurking.wordpress.com/arrrr/

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 30, 2008, 3:57 pm

Yep. That’s the stuff.

Damien half-killed Charlotte thusly. Charlotte never had a kittenhood, thanks to being feral, and really never played. First she was too weak, and then she was too old. The whole idea of play — let alone rough play — was alien and offensive to her.

I haven’t liked to mention it, but the one upside of Damien taking a powder is that Charlotte is a much, much happier cat. She’s relaxed and affectionate again.

God, she hated him. From the moment she first clapped eyes on him. If he walked into a room, you could see her stiffen. If I tried to pet her in his presence, she would hiss and stalk away. He just harshed every little mellow she ever had.

 


Comment from LemurKing
Time: May 30, 2008, 3:58 pm

That is exactly what happened to Silver d’Cat.

 

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