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moar cat testicles!

What little weasel is the numero uno Google images hit for “cat testicles”? Uh-huh.

I was looking for a picture for Gibby, who isn’t sure what cat baubles look like. I’ll try to take a picture of that big orange bastard next time I’m at Animal Control (dude has a pair, which is undoubtedly how he ended up in animal control).

I owned a big orange bastard just like him once. Wonderful cat. Name of Norbert. He deserved a better name than that, but he was three when I got him and I didn’t feel entitled. First time I took him to the vet, the receptionist asked his name and I said, “Norbert…well, roughly.”

Oh, you guessed! Ever after, I got annual checkup notices addressed to Roughly Weasel.

Roughly was a wonderful people cat, but hell on other animals. Fought constantly. I inherited him because his last family went broke having him stitched up all the time. I made him an inside cat, and he still managed to get loose and get bust up fighting with a cat in the building.

So I take him to have this latest boo-boo sutured and it occurs to me…maybe — I wasn’t all that clear on the ordinary appearance of cat baubles myself — maybe he wasn’t thoroughly neutered. Maybe what they do is, like, little kitty vasectomies and they missed a snip. Or something.

So I say to the vet, “you know, he’s awfully aggressive. Are you sure he’s…ummm…completely neutered?”
And the vet snorts, crosses his arms and says, “pinch his scrotum!”
And I go, “WHAT?!”
And he says, “go on! Pinch it!”
And I go, “no, that’s okay, I trust your…”

Poor old Roughly is stretched out on the steel table with a big supperating owie on his back, and I reach out and honk his ballsack. He whips around and gives me a look like, “holy FUCK, lady! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!”

Honestly, though, if I didn’t know what cat testicles should look like, how the hell did the vet expect me to know what they should feel like?

Not long after, my mother’s vet invited her to be present at her own cat’s neutering (men flirted with my mother in the strangest ways). It’s a process the involves much pulling and twisting. Mother could describe the experience in a way that made grown men go white and shake like leaves on a palsy tree.

In conclusion: cat testicles!


Comment from Lemur King
Time: June 5, 2008, 2:58 pm


As a guy, I can’t imagine how anyone would expect any other response, feline, human, giraffe, whatever.

Didn’t try to bite at all? I might’ve. 🙂

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:07 pm


“pinch his scrotum!”

So how many of you weasel morons flinched?



hee hee, poor orange bastard

Comment from jwpaine
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:08 pm

But are you the Google Queen of “cat balls”, “cat globes”, or “cat naughty bits”? For that matter, where do you rank for “cat bologna”, “cat ephemera”, “cat spelunker”, “cat ouija”, or “cat Indianapolis”?

I believe your loyal subjects deserve an straight answer!

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:10 pm

Peanut Scrotum Cat?

Comment from jwpaine
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:28 pm

There are few acceptable active verbs to use with the direct object “scrotum”, and “pinch” is not among them.

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:33 pm

There are few acceptable active verbs to use with the direct object “scrotum”, and “pinch” is not among them.

How about ‘HONK’?

Comment from jwpaine
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:50 pm

It’s safe to assume, pnb, that any verb that suggests, implies, or downright asserts a pinching, squeezing, or crushing of any scrotum or the contents thereof is a no-no.

Perhaps it would be best if we all just stopped talking about the male’s direct objects altogether. I’d like to relax from this cramped fetal position and go get a sandwich.

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:58 pm

Bah…akismet has me by the leg…but I will outfox him, I will…
(remove space after ‘http:’, then paste)

http: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9Ewf6PamZ4&feature=related

Comment from Cuffy Meigs
Time: June 5, 2008, 3:59 pm


Comment from Lokki
Time: June 5, 2008, 4:41 pm

Sigh – Cat Scrotum Haiku are called for. It’s a dirty job but someone has to start (yeah, yeah, yeah; sorry, sorry, sorry)the balls rolling:

I had a Tom Cat.
He had balls; I pinched them hard!
Now he’s a pussy-cat.

Comment from iamfelix
Time: June 5, 2008, 4:47 pm

*LOL* @porknbean & “HONK”

I’m going to PetSmart on Saturday to see about adopting this guy. My Fletcher needs a brother — Since his older brother died last Nov. he has transferred all his affections to me, and drives me nuts when I’m trying to read or cross stitch. The foster of the prospective bro says he’s very snuggly, which is just what Fletcher needs. And another bit of data (as if we needed it) on cats’ “direct objects” (good one, jwp); on Siamese those are part of their “points” — the darkly or exotically colored bits. I used to have a very handsome blue-point Siamese “visiting kitty” who came on my porch every day to romance my cats (a neutered male & spayed female). He was very large, very beautiful and very well-endowed. I know this because he used to press the objects tightly to the doorwall screen and sing lovely songs in his Meezer wail (they have very distinct voices). I called him “Mr. Blue,” because his tune sounded just like the old Fleetwoods record.

I’m Mr. Blue oooo-ooo Till you say you love me ….

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:08 pm

There once was a tomcat named Roughly
Who approached other pussycats toughly.
The loss of his balls
Mattered nothing at all,
But pinching his scrotum’s enough.


Comment from Lemur King
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:12 pm

pnb, I did not flinch!

I recoiled. My nether parts ached in sympathy for my furred feline brother. I suppose you could get away with HONK. In the Bizzaro universe. How about “Gently Cupped” instead? Sheesh.

Great haiku Lokki. It was fluid and not strained, unlike the poor cat’s jewels.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:32 pm

I’m pretty sure there are laws against “gently cupping” your cat’s empty scrotum.

Did I mention that was the point of the exercise? To prove to me that there were no balls in that there sac?

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:37 pm

So if there were no remaining balls, then why didn’t they cut the sack off too? It’s not like he needed it anymore.
And why would he have you pinch it when a ‘flick’ would do just as well?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:42 pm

I don’t know. Because most vets are male? They leave ’em with apparent mini-balls, that look about a third the size of real balls.

Although — if Jess is around, maybe she can comment. They neutered her youngest, Foxy, at about six weeks (he’s a beautiful ginger boy, too). That’s becoming more common, to snip them young and ensure cats leave the pound already fixed. I don’t know if he has vestigial testiculish anatomy, or what.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:46 pm

Cat Scrotum Haiku.
The purrfect art form, I say,
For Morons a-mused.

I wonder how many Google phrase hits you-all are generating today?

You’re still top dog on Islamic Rageboy Haiku and Booger Haiku, Weasel.

And god-knows what else!

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:48 pm


Mind your VERBS!

That ‘flick” actually hurt!

Comment from Lokki
Time: June 5, 2008, 5:59 pm

Porknbean –

If you don’t stop this – I’m going to have to bring up the subject of Janet Jackson style nipple-piercing.

Perhaps that will help you relate to the shiver that shakes men’s souls when you keep ahem ‘beating’ this subject….

Now back to our previously scheduled, uhm, whatever:

There once was a Tom Cat – deballed
T’was bad ‘nough he’d been overhauled
But when you tweak his empty ball-sack
Goddamn; that’s a personal attack!
And you’re lucky he didn’t bite, but just squawled!

And now for something ENTIRELY different. I was checking on the spelling of the word ‘squawled’…. and stumbled across this page.


$10 American, to anyone who can tell me what the sweet hell is going on here…. without going back to page 1 of whatever it is.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 5, 2008, 6:45 pm

Ah! Here we go. Unapologetic cat balls:

more cheezburger

Comment from BGG
Time: June 5, 2008, 8:17 pm

Lokki that page was horrible. I had to go read “Most Fucked Up Person Alive Tells All” to clear my brain out. That’s bad.

Oh and about balls, I grew up on a hog farm. When the boars would be brought to the farm, I wondered what their gigantic balls were. My brother told me there were “homogenized piglets” in there. To this day I remember almost being able to see the outline of a piglet curled up in each ball. We also had 32 farm cats but I don’t have any cat ball stories. I do have a cat EYEball story but that’s for another day.

Comment from MrsPaulsFishSticks
Time: June 5, 2008, 8:17 pm

Holy shit. I never thought to look there for cat balls.

Comment from Allen
Time: June 5, 2008, 9:09 pm

Hmm,reminds me the weekend after this one I’m helping a friend on his round-up. We’re going to make all the little bulls into little steer. The real:

Heuvos Ranchero.

Hungry yet?

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 5, 2008, 11:00 pm

Are them what’s called Rocky Mountain Oysters? Ew.

Watched the Tight Pants episode, and Orifice Pokey, over at Gorgeous Tiny Chicken etc, Weaz.

Man, I can watch long minutes of that show without getting tired!

Comment from Allen
Time: June 5, 2008, 11:21 pm

McGoo, yeppers that’s them, Ranch Eggs. They have a nutty flavor (my favorite pun.)

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 6, 2008, 12:02 am

Ya gotta have real balls to eat bull testicle.

*It just had to be said. Sorry.*

Comment from Gregory the First
Time: June 6, 2008, 1:13 am


This is the easiest USD10.00 I’ve ever made.

The excerpt you are referring to is located in the alternative history novel 1632 by Eric Flint. It depicts an imaginary town called Grantville, WV (typical Appalachian mountain rednecks, mostly), sent back by the Ring of Fire (Eric’s explanation is an Assiti shard, a piece of futuristic alien crap) thought to be a miracle, to the year, and you’ve guessed it, 1632 Anno Domini. Into Thuringia, Germany, slap bang in the middle of the Thirty Year War.

In this time, the head of the local UMWA (mine union), Mike Stearns, cobbles together an emergency government and starts kicking ass. The setup to Chapter 22 is where a camp follower by the name of Gretchen has been rescued by Jeff Higgins. She, along with the people under her charge (including ol’ Grandma), are then taken to Grantville’s high school to be washed up, clothed and fed. Of course, you got a problem because Jews and Muslims keep ritually clean, and you don’t wanna have anyone else think you’re either, not in those days, so you kept as dirty as possible. Which is where the squalling comes in. As for Gretchen, she ends up marrying Jeff for love after all, instead of just because he can protect her. And the CoCs she sets up? They meet in McDonald’s. Real revolutionary there, guys.

So. Do you need my bank details? 🙂

PS No, no cheating, it’s just that I own the book and have read it about 20 times by now. But I’m at work, and so do not have it in front of me. So.

Comment from LemurKing
Time: June 6, 2008, 1:41 am

Weas, yes you did mention that the entire point was to ascertain whether you did indeed get the bang for your buck in denaturing your feline.

However, I would say to both pnb and Weas, that I think most guys would agree that a little tenderness, a little compassion would help his self-image immensely. I think they also leave the extra biological material in case you wish to invest in Neuticles™. If you want the Cadillac version for your pet, the Neuticles UltraPLUS are $329/pr. So now your pet can lick his… errr… it’s prosthetic nuts as if (almost) nothing ever happened. I am not making this up.


Comment from porknbean
Time: June 6, 2008, 3:04 am

They leave ‘em with apparent mini-balls, that look about a third the size of real balls.

Ahh…for their self-esteem, kinda.

If you don’t stop this – I’m going to have to bring up the subject of Janet Jackson style nipple-piercing.

Eh? Nipple piercing…brrrr. Nope, doesn’t make me flinch, though it does bother me as I do not understand why anyone would do such a thing. I knew a gal who had it done and after she gave birth couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t nurse her son. Genius.

Do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro,
Can they fall into the pot, can you squish them with your toe,
Can you tie them to your shoulder when the wind turns a bit colder,
Do your balls hang low?

Man Scrotum Haiku.
The purrfect torture, I say,
To get caught in zipper.

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 6, 2008, 3:18 am

Some of my friends have commended me for being a caring owner who knew the importance of maintaining Bruno’s natural look.

Oh good grief! Like Bruno gives a flying fart. I can see if a man loses his nuts in an industrial accident or car door or sets off a bottle rocket in his shorts or gets too close to the barbecue…..that he get a pair of neuticles…but a dog?

Comment from LemurKing
Time: June 6, 2008, 3:35 am

Nipple piercing.

Ok, so I’m at the gym one day years ago. My workout buddy and I were pretty heavy-lifting dudes back then so we spent a lot of time in the gym. One day he says “Dude, check this out.” He lifts his shirt and shows me this nipple ring. And I’m thinking like “Geez dude, I could’ve died without seeing that…”

Ok, the stage is set.

A week later he comes in and says he doesn’t want to do a chest workout, no benching, no curls, no flys, nothing. I asked him why. He lifts up his shirt and shows me where he ripped that puppy out when it caught on his bedsheets while asleep one night.

We couldn’t have done a workout anyway, I was laughing so hard at his idiocy. Hadda hurt tho.

I thought you’d get a kick out of the Neuticle thing pnb!!

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 6, 2008, 3:46 am

Ouch. Ripped nipples. How would that look after it heals? What a dingaling.

Yeah, neuticles. I wonder if that is the kind Hillary has or are hers natural?
Have you ever been to zombietime.com and seen the pictures of scrotum-guy? He inflates his sack and walks around with the rest of the San Francisco freaks, nude. It will take away your appetite for a week.

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 6, 2008, 3:49 am

Just checked, he is in picture six in the zombietime hall of shame, in the left box.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 6, 2008, 4:52 am

When scrotum-guy lets the air out at the end of the day, does it make a neat squeeee! sound? That would be cool.

Comment from Lokki
Time: June 6, 2008, 9:47 am


Anyone who posts that link should have to spend the weekend in Akismet’s bathroom.

To show what whimpering desperation Lokki (The Brave ™ ) has been reduced to, I shall say….. say… PLEASE?

Steamboat…. I don’t know about the whistling sound, but I bet his Neuticles UltraPLUS have little bells in them. Oh, and one more question – does the $329 for Neuticles UltraPLUS include installation? I’m afraid to go and look.

Gregory – the check is in the mail.. if you promise not to tell me any more.

Sigh – the birds were singing; the sun was shining; butterflies everywhere; and then I dropped into to this little green corner of hell.

Comment from Allen
Time: June 6, 2008, 10:39 am

People actually do that to themselves? Scrotal inflation? I could have died peacefully without ever knowing that one. McGoo, I think it might sound like bagpipes.

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: June 6, 2008, 11:40 am

You can’t miss this! It’s high-grade crazy:

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: June 6, 2008, 11:41 am

You can’t miss this. High-grade crazy:
(Please to be removing the space after “http”.)
http ://fafblog.blogspot.com/2008/06/audacity-of-hope.html

Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: June 6, 2008, 12:11 pm

Now I don’t have to lie awake at night worrying because I don’t know what cat testicles look like. Thanks.

Comment from Lemur King
Time: June 6, 2008, 12:12 pm

pnb – his nipple was essentially torn in half. Bled like a stuck pig. I never asked to see it again after the first inspection of the damage, it would have been too creepy. He never offered after that, for which I was grateful.

Comment from Lemur King
Time: June 6, 2008, 12:14 pm

I wonder what would happen if you pinched a scottish wildcat’s ‘nads?

(rhetorical question. I have a good idea.)

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 6, 2008, 1:04 pm

LK – scientists are just now investigating Scottish wildcat nad-pinching as a source of cheap, inexhaustible energy…

Comment from jwpaine
Time: June 6, 2008, 1:49 pm

My dad used to soak the results of calf-castration in saltwater overnight, then slice them up and fry ’em with breakfast.

Muy good, quite frankly.

Comment from LemurKing
Time: June 6, 2008, 6:56 pm

jwpaine…GTFOOH! Not really really?

I’ve had bull ‘nads, but I imagine it’d take a lot of cat ‘nads to make more’n a couple of bites.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 6, 2008, 7:12 pm

Tell ya what – the only part of a bull I’m interested in is the scrotum. (That didn’t come out right, either.) I want a bull-scrotum tobacco pouch like in “Young Guns II”. I don’t even smoke tobacco anymore, but I could put pot and rolling papers in it or sumpin.

It was cool.

…And I don’t think jwp is pulling your leg at all, LK. I’ve heard of this “breakfast treat” before.


Comment from Lokki
Time: June 7, 2008, 10:36 am

Will a Buffalo Scrotum tobacco pouch do, Steamboat?


98-170 Buffalo bull scrotum is tanned for use as a tobacco pouch. Winter hide is used so the pouch has the short, dark winter wool. $25.00

For $25, I may just get one myself.

OK, here goes the post – Hmmm; why do I expect that Akismet is going to want to keep the phrase “Buffalo Scrotum” for himself?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 7, 2008, 11:13 am

Hm. For $25, I’m in. There’s some very cool stuff at that site…it’s a shame there are no pictures.

I’ve been promising myself a really fine fringed buckskin coat for years. I really don’t think I ought to go to England without one. Looks like they’re going there for $2K, not counting hides, so I’m afraid that’s out.

Anybody know how to buy a decent buckskin coat? The NRA was offering a reproduction of Custer’s own coat a few years back for around $500. That I could do.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 7, 2008, 12:04 pm

You’re right – it was buffalo sac, not bull. Bad memory.

Yeah – I think I’ll get one o’ those. Back in a mo’ …

Why do I have to fill out all that info just to get “info” on my order – in 7 days os so? No paypal in sight, either. Fuck that. Are they in business, to be in business, or what? Haven’t they ever heard of instant gratification and impulse buying?

Haven’t got a clue about buckskin coats, Weaz. But they look neat.

Comment from Gregory the First
Time: June 9, 2008, 2:18 am

Everybody: Hey, guys, you know what God said? “Don’t touch the junk!”

Linky to reference

Lokki: You can send it to…

CP21, Suite 2101,
Central Plaza,
34 Jalan Sultan Ismail,
50250 Kuala Lumpur,

ATTN: Gregory K,

And I swear I won’t say any more about, well, the book.

But why call me out? I’m not the one going around neutering stuff and putting rings in every orifice and appendage possible…

Comment from cool pierce man
Time: April 23, 2010, 2:59 am

I also have a bad experience when my nipple pierce. ouch!
I have a new Industrial Piercing on my left ear and it’s more beautiful.

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