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Don’t talk to me; I’m sulking

ink drips

Rats! Damn! Pooh! Argh! Zounds! Piffle! My Photoshop has learned a new trick: shutting itself down without warning, dumping my work in the process. Bad, BAD Photoshop.

My boss is taking Fridays off for the rest of the Summer, so I spent today drawing you a pitcher. And it was coming out real good. Srsly.

No, I hadn’t saved. Don’t rub it in.

THIRTY people in this building are retiring today. The company isn’t in trouble or anything; it’s a boring artifact to do with how our pensions are calculated. After breakfast, I spent the morning drifting from cake to cake. And then it was time for lunch. After which, some vendor sent us steak sandwiches as a thank-you for some damn thing somebody in our group did. I’m unclear on the details.

…it was a picture of a great bloated sack of a weasel…

Anyhoo, one of the retirees is an engineer with almost 45 years with the company. I was once in his chain of command. Nice enough man, but boy — what an engineer. He sat down with my boss and me one day years ago and tried to come up with guidelines for the design of publications. I’ll never forget it. One of the questions he asked was, “what is the optimum percentage of white space on a page?”

In case thou art not graphically inclined, this makes as much sense as asking an engineer to write guidelines for composing pop music, including the optimum number of oh, babys per love song.

I know you guys don’t like to hear it, but there are problems for which an engineering approach is ill-suited.

There: time to slide down the brontosaurus. It’s Friday! Let’s go home and drink!


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:22 pm

I guarantee you, out there somewhere is an engineer thinking, “you know, you actually could graph the love songs of the past hundred years, correlate the popularity of each with the number of oh babys per, and come up with a pretty reliable optimum number.”

Admit it. ADMIT IT, you sliderule-humping mutant!

Comment from Cat
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:26 pm

Swease, have you ever seen this?


I’m off to drink copious amounts of good vodka and do a little cat-yodeling. Ta!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:36 pm

Hahaha! An Engineer’s Guide to Cats! Yes, I think Mrs Peel was circulating that one.

Comment from eddiebear
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:39 pm

you can’t spell Geek without “ee”.

That’s what my EE friend says over and over.

Comment from porknbean
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:41 pm

OMG…that is hilarious. Dancing kittehs. Cat yodeling…I almost expected to see some butt tromboneage.

Comment from Allen
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:42 pm

Actually, I was pondering the very question that the other engineer asked, then I got distracted shopping for my own birfday present. In honor of the SC figuring out that the 2nd means having a firearm…


Weasel, here’s a source for the fringe jacket I think you mentioned.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 4:49 pm

Awwww…yeah! That’s exactly what I was looking for, Allen.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: June 27, 2008, 5:43 pm

Yo Weasie, I found the PERFECT group of people for you out here in Colorado……



Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 5:49 pm

Hey, this place is pretty cool. I suppose they ccater to cowboy shooters and reinacters.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:05 pm

Hey Weasie, I just found a great group for you.


Comment from Allen
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:06 pm

That site hit the sweet spot, vests! I have to have this one for playing cards:


It will make my poker buddies either nauseous, or dizzy… perfect for bluffing.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:13 pm

I’ve run across a different chapter of that group before, Scubafreak. I admit, their Poetry Corner is something special.

A Weaselette is sneaky and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine.
Or she slides to the slums and quickly becomes
disorderly, drunk and obscene.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:13 pm

Ackshly, Weasel that’s exactly what I thought (and I ain’t no engineer).

Do you have anything like Shazam, in the Colonies? It’s a service where you point your mobile (sorry, ‘cell phone’) at a speaker (jukebox, transistor radio, car speaker – they all work), dial a number and a few seconds later they text message you back with the artist and title.

First time I tried it I nearly crapped myself. It’s fast and it’s accurate and can identify even a really obscure song from just a few seconds ‘listening’.

Music’s all patterns… ask Bach.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:19 pm

Oh my gosh! It’s true! He did it! He added sweasel.com to pimpmynews!!! Now I can hear my deathless prose in a creepy robot voice!

You don’t count, Uncle B. Your sort of a Special Needs badger.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:19 pm

Yup, there were LOTS of Weasels at the Catholic Schoolgirl Run. They seem to be irresistably drawn to Alchohol and women in their birthday suits…….

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:24 pm

I am laughing myself SILLY listening to pimpmynews. I don’t suppose it’ll be nearly as funny for anyone else, but that’s me talking!

You reckon that’s what I’ll sound like when I’m a brain in a jar and they hook me up to the voicerizer?

John, if you’re still hovering: the biggest flaw I hear is that it seemingly pauses longer between sentences than it does between paragraphs.

Comment from Allen
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:27 pm

πŸ™‚ Weasel, maybe because enough of us (like me) went to the site from here, signed up, couldn’t add sweasel.com, and they said, “wot’s this weasel thing?”

I noticed the ads are for urns… of all types.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:30 pm

Well, for that, he gets an icon and a sidebar link πŸ™‚

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:41 pm

You know… there are some very interesting things going on with the robotic inflections there. That is a lot closer to a human being than many voice systems.

Of course, it’s nothing like as awful as the screechy-screech-screech weasel voice in all its glass-shattering terribleness.

What? You thought a 6 inch long mustelid had a pleasing contralto?!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:57 pm

B, I’m tempted to think they built it using a library of whole words. Sometimes the inflection makes it sound like that’s what they did, too. But, then, it did pretty good when it hit some of Weasel’s patented making-up-shit words.

(I’ll give you screechy! I’ll make your Skype ‘splode later!)

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: June 27, 2008, 6:59 pm

Hey! I’m using lousy Thinkpad speakers. High-pitched treble is all they do πŸ˜‰

Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: June 27, 2008, 10:32 pm

Oh wow! That Pimpmynews is hillarious! Good stuff Stoaty.

Comment from John Atkinson
Time: June 27, 2008, 11:21 pm

Hi again S.Weasel,

About PimpMyNews.. Glad everyone’s getting a kick out of it – so are we! We can tweak the pauses. It also “learns”, so if you hear words we’re pronouncing incorrectly, shoot ’em to mispronunciations@PimpMyNews.com and we’ll correct them.

If you want to launch your talking page right from your site, just grab your badge: http://www.PimpMyNews.com/Widgets.aspx

By the way, you’re in our “Humor>Other Humor” Category on our categories page.

We love feedback & are constantly enhancing the app. If you sign up you can personalize your account (it’s free).


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 27, 2008, 11:44 pm

How does it pronounce ghoti? πŸ™‚

Comment from LemurKing
Time: June 28, 2008, 1:14 am

Oh hoooooly shit, Weas. That was HILARIOUS. I started playing Meouch and couldn’t keep it together.

Ok, that I could not have predicted in a jazillion years. (that’s 1.7125e57 years to other geeky engineers).

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 28, 2008, 7:11 am

Weaz – how does it feel to be categorized as “Other Humor”? πŸ™‚

Personally, I’d just pop with pride! Miscellaneous would also be a fairly cool category.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 28, 2008, 4:35 pm

…and an overwhelming silence descended upon the blog as minions awaited new developments. From out of the darkness a plaintive voice bleated, “What is this, this quietness that steals over us?”
“It’s new.”
“Who said that?”, cried the bleater, wide eye darting hither and yon.
“I did.”
“Hush”, said a third voice.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 28, 2008, 6:17 pm

I was at an airshow. It was awesome, but I’m just back, toasted to a crisp and my everything hurts. Six hours was a bit much.

And I was so ill-prepared. I didn’t even bring a hat, let alone a chair or an umbrella. I bought a hat there. It says “Marines.”

If ever there was anyone who looked NOTHING WHATEVER like a US Marine, it’s this little weasel.

Comment from Gnus
Time: June 28, 2008, 6:20 pm

Green screen McCain. Heh.

Comment from Allen
Time: June 28, 2008, 7:26 pm

It must be some kind of new motorcycle run. I headed up to the mountains to check on a few things. There must have been 500-600 motorcycles on the road to the lake. Anyrate, I had loaned my cabin out to the veteran cruisin’ America. It’s here if you want to see it.


Tell me that doesn’t scream Ted Kaczynski. At the bottom of the mountains, down near the lake, is a Post Office… convenient if I ever slip over the edge. πŸ™‚

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 28, 2008, 10:15 pm

That cabin is way too nice and neat and clean and spiffy for Ted. His place was a fairly scrubby rathole. There are photos of it on the net somewhere. I’d run a search , but, um, I have a debilitating hangnail.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 28, 2008, 11:08 pm

Well? When you get up tomorrow morning, tell us if you saw any good planes!

Comment from TattooedIntellectual
Time: June 29, 2008, 12:08 am

I’d rather work where 30 people are retiring, as opposed to the current temp assignment where avg age is 9 (excluding all of those pesky CEO, CFO, CAO, Pres etc). Buncha baby-faced, HS grads w/ the occasional greying-hair in there.

Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: June 29, 2008, 8:38 pm

But why can’t you calculate the optimum percentage of white space on a page?

*scratches my forehead with an old slide-rule*

One of the things that really bugs the punk programmers working for me is when I tell them their application screens have too much wasted white space in them, and just look stupid. I don’t have any formula per se, but if it approaches half I make em redo it.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 29, 2008, 9:24 pm

Keep ’em confused, Dave. It’s good for them.

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