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This crazy ass bird


Oh, I’m sorry — I have let you down. I could’ve done a really gay Photoshop or something, but I got totally distracted reading news today. From the terrorist attack in Tunisia (who the hell would vacation in Tunisia these days?) to the beheading in France right through to our very gay Supreme Court. I think I’m in love with Antonin Scalia. No homo.

Seriously, that’s not homo. We’re the opposite secks.

Anyway, by way of apology, here’s a picture of my crazy-ass chicken Mapp. She’s my elderly hen, over five years old (I’ve read various accounts of how long a pekin bantam might live, and I think six is about it). I know why she’s lived this long — she never lays me any fucking eggs.

Every year, just as laying season starts (mine only lay in Summer), she goes broody. Sits on an empty nest, refuses to budge, tries to hatch thin air. Screams like a little girl when you pick her up. They don’t lay when they’re broody.

First year she did this I thought she was egg bound, which can be fatal. So I tried all sorts of folk remedies including floating her in a bucket of warm soapy water and lubricating her vent with olive oil, an afternoon both of us would surely like to but never shall forget.

I stopped trying to break her of it. I roust her off the nest a couple of times a day and make her eat something and otherwise leave her to it. When laying season is over, she’ll pick herself up, dust herself off and act like nothing happened.

Hm. Perhaps not such a cray bird after all.

Good weekend, and stay away from the gloating lefties! The worm will turn…


Comment from AliceH
Time: June 27, 2015, 12:01 am

I, for one, welcome the lovely Mapp. I especially am grateful seeing her in weasel-standard grayscale, not Photoshopped in rainbows.

Comment from AliceH
Time: June 27, 2015, 12:20 am


Comment from Stark Dickflüßiᵹ
Time: June 27, 2015, 1:44 am

Is it legal to marry that chicken?

Comment from AliceH
Time: June 27, 2015, 2:01 am

Hmmm. Now that SSM is “the law of the land”, betcha Obamacare Employer-mandate type policies start dropping “partner” benefits. Why not?

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: June 27, 2015, 2:30 am

Vents. Olive oil. Hmmm.

Makes me think of the Avery Schrieber line in “Galaxina” –

“If people concerned themselves with where eggs came from, they never would have eaten them!”

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: June 27, 2015, 2:46 am

Don’t chickens need a rooster around to get them laying eggs? They’re probably in a funk cuz they need to hear ‘cockadoodle-do!’ every morning to get them rolling.

Comment from mojo
Time: June 27, 2015, 3:41 am

“…a self-admitted chicken greaser…”

Comment from Stark Dickflüßiᵹ
Time: June 27, 2015, 4:23 am

I’ve watched chickens lay eggs, & I’ve also watched chickens scrounging in goat poop, & I (still) eat eggs. Chickens are God’s way of turning bugs & shit into food.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: June 27, 2015, 1:29 pm

Nope, QuasiModo, they lay eggs regardless. One of the benefits of not having a rooster around is no nasty surprises with your omelettes.

Comment from Argentium G. Tiger
Time: June 27, 2015, 5:10 pm

Another unhappy fact: Divorce court lawyers just got more hours to bill. Ugh.

Edited to add: Go crazy Mapp. Buck those odds, and keep being that nutty chicken we love to read about. 🙂

Comment from Bruce
Time: June 27, 2015, 6:43 pm

We have a 6 yr old Australorp that’s gone broody. We’ve re-named her “Broodica”. We’ve also tried immersion in cold water, to no avail. She’s now sequestered to her own little kingdom.

Comment from AltBBrown
Time: June 27, 2015, 10:03 pm

Considering all the depressing crowing all over the ‘net, a self-centered chicken is a nice diversion.

Comment from mojo
Time: June 28, 2015, 1:25 am

Did I mention that I was once a cock teaser at Roosterama?

It’s true, I used to enrage the bantams before the big bout.

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: June 28, 2015, 10:41 pm

One of the benefits of not having a rooster around is no nasty surprises with your omelettes.

Yeah, seen that once :(~ I don’t eat eggs because of all the antibiotics they pump them full of, so no worries for me…

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