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Shit. It came.


I sent off for my ballot pretty late this year. I think I had a subconscious wish it wouldn’t get here, or get here too late, or arrive with Ronald Reagan’s name miraculously appearing at the top of the list or something.

But no. It came. And just look at this thing! I don’t remember the absentee ballot being this complicated before. It’s like taking the SAT’s.

There’s a sheet with all the candidates names on, and a number beside each ticket. You look up the number and fill in the corresponding oval on the oval thingie. Why the numbers go up to three hundred something, I have yet to discover. I lost the will to vote before I quite finished reading the instructions.

I think what I’ll do is get up early, spread the candidate list in front of the chickens and see which ticket they peck first. Though, between you and me, I think that Colette Chicken might be a dirty Hillary voter.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 26, 2016, 10:23 pm

Thank heaven for that! I thought we were going to get the divination-by-chicken-entrails treatment for a minute there!

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: October 26, 2016, 10:26 pm

I thought you were one of Her Majesty’s British Subjects now?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 26, 2016, 10:30 pm

Not yet, Quasi. It’s on my to-do list for this year, before they raise the price again. When I first became eligible, it was £600, now it’s £1,300!

And, anyway, I won’t lose my American citizenship (or voting rights) when I take the oath. Dual nationality is a thing.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: October 26, 2016, 10:46 pm

Or you could place them on the bottom of the chicken coop and literally have your vote be a crap shoot.

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: October 26, 2016, 11:49 pm

Oof!…inflation. I just put in a clothes order to this place in the US…sticker shock bigtime! $CDN has been taking a beating.

Comment from Uncle Al
Time: October 27, 2016, 3:23 am

Thoughts on voting the top of the ballot…

Donald J. Trump is an asshole.

Hillary R. Clinton is a lying, corrupt asshole with the instincts of a rabid wolverine.

I’ll go to the voting place, cast my ballot for Trump, then go outside and throw up.

See how easy that was?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 27, 2016, 7:37 am

I cannot possibly vote for any Clinton, ever. After that, though, it all gets hazy…

Comment from dissent555
Time: October 27, 2016, 12:10 pm

Not to worry. I’m sure that in a few years the New Crat Overlords will feel the safety of giving us just the few choices that they want us to make, and you better vote the way that they want IYKWIMAITYD. Because the people will have just handed their freedoms away to a pack of juvenile kooks and charlatans. The Crat Elites will dance in the night and attend their elegant soirees and lament that they still have to deal with this slimy and unpleasant voting business every few years.

Comment from Deborah HH
Time: October 27, 2016, 4:25 pm

I’m voting for the Bug-Fuck-Crazy One. Won’t vote for the Traitor. My hope is that the rest of us who aren’t crazy will serve as a drogue chute to keep the BFC One from going over the edge.

Comment from Formerly known as Skeptic
Time: October 27, 2016, 5:02 pm

Don’t stress over it too much Stoaty. I assume you are voting in RI, so your vote (like mine here in MA) is just spitting into a hurricane anyway 😉

Comment from tomfrompv
Time: October 27, 2016, 5:46 pm

Come on, this is an easy one. The media is in love with Hillary, refuse to report any of her yuge negatives. If elected, she’ll get away with everything and be held to account for nothing.

OTOH, Trump can’t say the p-word 11 years ago without it becoming a nightly news event. He won’t get away with a thing. Even Romney will blow the whistle on him.

Comment from Mitchell
Time: October 27, 2016, 6:31 pm

Funny, for a presidential election year the number of offices up in my district is a surprisingly short list. Lots of ballot referendums this time around though, including legalized weed!

On another matter, the Weasel Minions need to get together a fund raiser to get her Stoatliness’ paws on one of these.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 27, 2016, 8:21 pm

Actually, Skeptic (formerly known as), I made a point to drive home to Tennessee and re-register there in person before I moved. At that point, I had no property in RI, and both property and history in TN, so I thought it was a no-brainer. So my vote MIGHT count.

Holy shit, Mitchell — that is all kinds of cool!

Comment from Rich Rostrom
Time: October 28, 2016, 5:36 am

I think what I’ll do is get up early, spread the candidate list in front of the chickens and see which ticket they peck first.

You could do worse. That method is called alectryomancy, though it usually involves scattering grain on the possible targets, to give the birds an incentive. A white cock is considered the most desirable diviner.

Its use in politics is mentioned in Gargantua and Pantagruel, when Panurge consults the diviner Trippa about his projected marriage. Trippa lists several dozen methods of divination (all of which will predict that Panurge will be cuckolded by his wife). One is alectryomancy:

Or yet by alectryomancy. If I should here with a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot, divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty equal parts, then form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of them; and, lastly, posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so disposed letters, I durst promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a young virgin cock be permitted to range alongst and athwart them, he should only eat the grains which are set and placed upon these letters, A. C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T. B.E. And that as fatidically as, under the Emperor Valens, most perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who should be his successor to the empire, the cock vacticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles that were posited on the letters T.H.E.O.D.

(The Roman Emperor Valens (364-378) was succeeded by Theodosius (378-395).)

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