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Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Gummibärchen!

gummybears.jpgIt’s a beautiful language, isn’t it? That means “happy birthday, gummy bears!” unless the internet is lying to me, which it hardly ever does. Although, it turns out there’s, like, a trillion ways to say “happy birthday”, depending on what dialect of Germanium you speak. Anyhow, gummy bears turn eighty five this month. Wee!

Gummies are made by the Haribo company, which is derived from Hans Riegel, Bonn.

The very first Haribo gummy bear was created in 1922. A bit taller and thinner than today’s bear, it was modeled after the dancing bear. (From the Middle Ages through the last century, street performers kept brown bears, forcing them to entertain crowds by pulling on a chain attached to a ring in their nose.) Some three decades later, the popular dancing bear became a bit smaller and thicker, resembling a teddy bear. Today’s version entered the market in the late 1960s.

A cheerful people. Production was suspended during the war, when demand for sweets was low and Hans Riegal was a prisoner of war. I would have thought the latter fact more of an obstacle.

Something must be controversial in Gummibärchenwelt, because the Wikipedia page is barred from change by newbies (a safeguard they don’t provide obscure, uncontroversial figures like George Bush). Perhaps someone disputes the claim that gummies produce bezoars and bowel obstructions. Or perhaps it’s the fascinating gummy fact that isn’t there. Wait for it. Wait for it…

Gummy bears are a pork product! Yes, it’s true! The Germanians render pigs into sweeties! That’s where the distinctive gumminess comes from. I hate the damn things, myself, but now that I know the act of eating them is haram

Postscript: the British Jelly Baby is even older, though I don’t know which unclean animal they’re made of. They were created by Bassett’s in 1919 to celebrate the end of the Great War; they were called “Peace Babies.” Production had to be suspended during WWII for lack of raw materials.

Don’t you love irony? I know I do!

Jelly Babies are subjected to ghastly High School science experiments in the UK. Behold: the Screaming Jelly Baby.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: August 16, 2007, 10:58 am

I will treat Gummy Bears with more respect now that I know what they’re made of.

I wonder…if you sprinkle some around every doorway and window, will they keep terrorists away? Kinda like garlic and bloodsucking vampires, yknow.

…and if you make a Christian cross from Gummy Bear material, will it serve double-duty keeping them from bothering you?

I wonder if you can cast bullets from them? Gummy-Rounds.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:03 am

A staggering display of ignorance. It should be ‘which screams the louder’.

Scientists! Pah!

Oh, and McGoo – how about gum-dums?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:19 am

Ah. I thought you were talking to me, Uncle B. I was going to let fly with my gummy cannon.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:22 am

Outstanding, Badger!

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:23 am

Badger would never call you ignorant, Weas!

Comment from Lokki
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:47 am

Mrs. Lokki loves Gummy Bears (she has a metabolism that burns calories like Potassium chlorate and is literally a size “zero”) but will only eat Haribo brand.

On a separate note, on the Wikipedia page, I was looking at the list of ‘closed’ pages, and found many that I expected but some which, like Gummy Bears,seem an odd subject for debate. Why Atlantic Records for example? Why the Chevrolet TrailBlazer?

The list of most-vandalized pages is also interesting reading – why vandalize the “Octopus” page? And why do it a LOT?

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:49 am

Yeah, you’re right McGoo. I had a friend once who insulted a weasel.

After a while, well, it was a long trip to the hospital every few weeks for all those years…

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: August 16, 2007, 11:51 am

Lokki “why vandalize the “Octopus” page? And why do it a LOT?”

Sounds like something only a sucker would do.

I’ll be on my way, then…

Comment from porknbean
Time: August 16, 2007, 12:47 pm

Hmmm…didn’t I just hear something about ethanol production affecting the price of Haribos or something? It’s ticking some of the Yerpeans countries off, who may stop such production there.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: August 16, 2007, 12:52 pm

Huh. Right you are:

Biofuel Boom Threatens Gummy Bears

“A rise in crop prices is threatening to jack up prices on gummy bears and other sweets. Meanwhile, the food and beverage industry in Germany is lobbying for government subsidies for biofuel crops to be eliminated,” reports Spiegel. “First it was tortillas in Mexico, then it was Frosted Flakes in America and recently German beer. Now the latest food to become the victim of prices pushed up by the massive shift of crops to biofuel are Germany’s beloved gummy bears. Prices of glucose, the second main ingredient in the chewy candies after sugar, rose by 30 percent in 2006. ‘We’re going to maintain current prices through the end of the year,’ Marco Alfter, a spokesman for Bonn-based gummy bear-maker Haribo, told Spiegel. But afterwards, the golden bears could get more expensive.”

The article goes on to say that for corn ethanol to replace gasoline completely in the US would require all our current farmland and 20% more.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: August 16, 2007, 3:53 pm

Gah! Is there anything the Yerps won’t make out of pork?

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: August 16, 2007, 4:00 pm

“…would require all our current farmland and 20% more.”

Yep – and that’s not mentioning the raw material transport, processing & fermentation, and distribution of the final product. Oh, yeah, and don’t forget that the biofuels don’t replace gasoline gallon for gallon. It takes significantly more biofuel to replace gas.

Sorry, but right now, biofuels are a friggin’ pipe dream. Besides, who’s gonna tolerate a shortage of Gummy Bears? I mean, there’s priorities, folks!

Comment from winston
Time: August 16, 2007, 4:31 pm

Found this over at Theo Spark’s: Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. Hope it’s useful.

Oh yeah, gummy bears….mit iodine?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: August 16, 2007, 4:42 pm

That was my tagline on Usenet. Or it was somebody else’s and I admired it from afar. Anyway, I enjoyed it enough to read it to my mom over the phone. And she was like, “I don’t get it.”

So I’m like, “eagles…noble, beautiful, soar high, yet get sucked into jet engines…? Weasels, not so much?”

“No, I don’t get it.”

Sometimes I think she did that on purpose, just to wind me up. She could reduce me to incoherent, shivering rage if her obtuseness went on long enough.

Comment from Lokki
Time: August 16, 2007, 5:31 pm

If you want to end our government’s infatuation with corn-based ethanol, end the Iowa primaries or at least move them later in the year.

If you want to end your infatuation with high falutin’ philosophical imagery, talk to Weasel’s mom.

My most frustrating mom moment happened one hot summer day, many, many years ago, when I tried my best to explain something to her logically.

We lived in the northeast and didn’t have airconditioning in those days. In our two-story house, my dad had installed an industrial size squirrel cage blower in the attic as an exhaust fan to pull cool outside air through the house.

My mother kept opening the front door to our house, which was at the foot of the enclosed stairway to the second floor, rather than keeping that door closed and opening the kitchen door which would have drawn air all through the downstairs rooms on its way up and out.

When she complained that the stupid fan my father had installed wasn’t doing anything to cool the house, I patiently explained that no air was being drawn though the first floor of the house as, with the front door open, all the air came in through the front door and went directly up the stairsway. She gave me a baffled look, so I hit on a clever visual to help her – “Imagine the house is filled with water and that the fan is a pump” I said. “Now imagine a ping pong ball floating on the water.” I carefully explained the path the ball would follow… that nice bright white dot bobbing from room to room, then up the stairs and !out! through the fan.

My mother promptly went over and reopened the front door I had closed during my explanation. “My house isn’t filled with water”, she said.

Yes, she had a Master’s Degree.

I thought

Comment from A concerned Patriot
Time: August 16, 2007, 5:39 pm

First they came for the tortillas and I said nothing because I don’t eat at Taco Bell.

Then it was Frosted Flakes and I said nothing because I prefer Captain Crunch.

Then it was German beer, but I drink Tecate so I didn’t care.

Now they’re coming for my beloved gummy bears!

We HAVE to make a stand before they come for the bourbon!

Comment from Stevo
Time: August 16, 2007, 8:34 pm

I can ingest pork products while eating Gummy Bears? It’s a happy day. I don’t eat enough pork and am looking at ways to increase my consumption. Thank you, S. Weasel.

Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: August 16, 2007, 10:03 pm

I heart Haribo Gold-Baeren. Haribo macht die Kinder froh, und Erwachsene ebenso!

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: August 16, 2007, 10:27 pm

Ja setzt Haribo ein Lächeln auf Ihr Gesicht!

Comment from Nice Deb
Time: August 17, 2007, 10:53 am

Viva La Gummy Bears!!!

*oops* Wrong language.

Comment from Dawn
Time: August 17, 2007, 12:01 pm

They make kosher gummy bears.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: August 17, 2007, 12:06 pm

Available through Paskesz.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: August 17, 2007, 12:08 pm


Comment from Dawn
Time: August 17, 2007, 12:22 pm

Oh wow! I just remember the cola flavored gummies shaped like coke bottles! Those were my favorite.

Comment from Dawn
Time: August 17, 2007, 12:23 pm

*doh! I just remembered….

Pingback from Gummy Bear Scandal Exposed « Innocent Bystanders
Time: August 17, 2007, 7:57 pm


Comment from Retired Geezer
Time: August 17, 2007, 8:56 pm

I’m kinda partial to those cinnamon bears, myself.

Comment from JellyBean
Time: December 20, 2007, 4:12 pm

these comments are great.

Comment from jellybean
Time: December 20, 2007, 4:22 pm

btw, i dont get this website but its awesome.
yeah you’re my heroo.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 20, 2007, 7:14 pm

Jellybean: one of us, one of us…gooble, gabble…one of us…

Comment from well i care you meanie
Time: December 26, 2007, 3:53 am

erm kll lil thing you had going there erm i didnt get it kinda it was like sumink bout gummy bears and pork. My best friend told me it was pork hoof i still eat them but they get kinda sickly now nd all of the people who have wrote here hate gummy bears so yeah i kinda dont mind them im like 11 so yeah i like candy mmmmmm but i dont think i will eat them again welll maybe but i stilll dnt get it oh well ill survive bu ti hate jely babies and by the way the personn who wrote this is like tryin to be funny down here at the bottom =] lol from whoever i am poop

Comment from Gerdy200
Time: February 28, 2010, 6:36 pm

I love gummy bears though!

Comment from Jamestheanimal
Time: February 28, 2010, 6:40 pm

RAWR!! I love pork and gummy bears and there is nuttin you can do ’bout it!

Pingback from shhhhhhhhhhhh…Gummi Bears Have a Secret! « BabbleFest
Time: October 13, 2010, 1:00 am

[…] Click HERE to learn the secret of the Gummi bears. […]

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