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They’re doomed now

Got a long email from my big brother today. I have one of Those Brothers (haven’t you?).

Turns out, he’s been hanging with one of the Occupy crowds. Well, he was a full-time resident, but his tent blew away (perfecto!), so he’s strictly a day patient now. I’d love to post the email; it’s hilarious. All about shutting down Bank of America and free cheese danish.

I did an images search looking for pictures of him, without any luck. He’s not camera-shy, so I’m guessing he has a full-time minder in charge of For God’s Sake Keeping That Loopy Old Bozo Away from the Media.

He was particularly chuffed about the marching. The marching and the cheese danish. If they let him wear a special hat to march, while eating free cheese danish, it would probably be the most awesome thing in his whole life, ever.

Oh, there’s no harm in him at all. My mother was the first to call him Baby Huey, which is so perfectly, hilariously apt, I can’t tell you.

Also, when your mother thinks up mean junk to call you, that there’s a bad sign.


Comment from mojo
Time: December 12, 2011, 11:01 pm

I’ve decided that the “occupy” “movement” is the Grand Ah-Whoom of idiocy.

“Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before,” Bokonon tells us. “He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.”

Comment from Alice
Time: December 12, 2011, 11:18 pm

Wow, mojo. That is a fantastic quote – thanks for sharing.

I confess I had to look up “Bokonon” only to discover I should know this is from Vonnegut. Something about that guy – I never could get through any of his novels (though I love Harrison Bergeron).

As for the Baby Huey’s of the world – I guess being fat, drunk and stupid IS the way to go through life.

Comment from Gromulin
Time: December 12, 2011, 11:50 pm

Yep, I got one of Those Brothers. In the early 80’s, he actually flew to the USSR with a bunch of Frisbee players to promote global peace, or no nukes,or US out of _____!, or underarm hair on chicks or something. All the Russkies wanted was to buy their Levis. For a smart guy, he’s dumb as a brick about life and hasn’t had an original idea in 40 years.

Comment from Redd
Time: December 13, 2011, 12:06 am

Wasn’t there a guy in the novel “V” by Pynchon who was obsessed with cheese danishes?

Comment from Mitchell
Time: December 13, 2011, 12:15 am

I seldom discuss politics with my siblings. My brother doesn’t vote as he thinks both parties are equally corrupt and it really doesn’t matter which one is in charge. My sister is married to a big pro-union guy so she dutifully pulls the lever for the Dims.

Comment from Sven in Colorado
Time: December 13, 2011, 12:31 am

Yeup….Got one of them “wingnut/asshat/global warming truther/all-us-chilluns deserves it all entitlement mentality” brothers. Actually, he is my half brother.


Gromulin, same/same. He is smart, intelligent and erudite… talented inventor, hard worker-(when he wants to be)- and a nutty as a fooking New England, rum soaked fruit cake when it comes to politics and dealing with fambly issues.

I just quit trying to maintain any contact with him or his similarly wanked out chilluns. Its sad. He’s been married four, or is it five times; two kids from two different Mums. I love them all………However!

They been drinkin’ the AlGorball Worming and the Socialist Pap “equal distribution of wealth” flavors of Kool-Aid for wa-a-a-ay too long!

Yeup, he lives in a Chicago suburb and supports the “OWS” movement.Attempts to have civil conversations with him end up in the cesspool.

This is how (un)Civil Wars begin. Sad commentary on this broken old world.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 13, 2011, 12:54 am

My brother isn’t the least political. He is a much, much simpler animal. If the 1% hosted a “Hooray for Wall Street!” rally and let him dress up, march around and eat free pastry…he would totally be there.

He’s not a ‘tard, exactly. He did okay in school. He just occupies a different universe.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 13, 2011, 1:42 am

Gawd, you should forward the letter to Wierd Al Yankovick. If EVER there was a situation that demanded his particular brand of reply, it’s this one…..

Comment from enter sandman
Time: December 13, 2011, 2:35 am

Had an older brother was kinda in his own world too. Did the 60s but hated hippies, drank but hated drugs, liked being around yankee bikers but sold his Triumph and never rode again after his 20s. He knew Sonny Barger and all that. Politically indifferent but had an opinion about most everything. Died of throat cancer in 07 at 59 years old. Would mow an acre field with a push mower smoking generic cigs and making cow eyes at the widow lady next door. She liked that 60s thing he did but we never really understood where he was coming from.

Still miss the turd.

Comment from Armybrat
Time: December 13, 2011, 2:38 am

I don’t have any lefty family. My husband can not make the same claim. He’s the only non-commie of his siblings. He’s also the only one who works for a living. We don’t talk politics with them. In fact, we just don’t talk with them.

Comment from Oceania
Time: December 13, 2011, 2:38 am

And I vote for the NZ National Party – along with most of the NZ voting public. Sort of a National Socialist party run by a Jew.
We’re even bringing in restricted breeding and eugenics for women shortly. Immigrants are going to get removed also, or turned into pig food.

I’m amazed that the average American can understand abstract concepts like the word ‘vote’ in the first place!
Oh how the American century ended, not with a bang, but with a whimper and a gurgle drowning in their own multicultural propaganda.

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: December 13, 2011, 3:07 am

Still miss the turd.

Funny how that works. My older sister annoyed me a lot (although not particularly on political issues). . .until she died just short of her 50th birthday. Over ten years later, I still find myself missing her.

Heh. He’s so cute when he’s obvious.

Which is pretty much all the time, even when it thinks it is being obscure. I’ll admit I’m utterly charmed by the mangled quotation above–yeah, nothing like dissing a culture by using an unconscious misquotation of one of the culture’s great speakers. Can you say “self-referential irony,” boys and girls?

Comment from Ric Locke
Time: December 13, 2011, 3:21 am

It’s said, and truly, that every family has at least one member who embarrasses all the others.

If you can’t think who that might be, it’s you.


Comment from Pablo
Time: December 13, 2011, 3:39 am

I’ve got a brother who stomped off after having told my mother that “You just can’t handle having a black man in the White House!”

Guess who doesn’t get invited to Thanksgiving dinner anymore? Turns out Mom can’t handle having a white guy in her house.

Comment from enter sandman
Time: December 13, 2011, 4:08 am

There’s a black man in the White House? Does security know? Does Uncle Joe Biden? I hope he’s clean…

Comment from enter sandman
Time: December 13, 2011, 4:15 am

Seriously. This black man of whom you speak…Obama or is it the “wife”? Cause obama isn’t black, he’s incompetent. And the wife is almost certainly Patrick Ewing in drag…

And my brother would have laughedvat both…

Comment from Deborah
Time: December 13, 2011, 5:32 am

I have two step-step brothers (it’s complicated). I call them The Nerd and The Turd, which is much nicer than what their own sisters calls them: The Dumb Ass and The Shit Ass. All things considered, “Baby Huey” sounds downright affectionate.

Comment from MIke C.
Time: December 13, 2011, 12:29 pm

I treat relatives the same way I treat clients – I don’t discuss politics or religion with them unless I know for certain they agree with me. Life runs a lot smoother that way.

Comment from Redd
Time: December 13, 2011, 2:48 pm

I’m all for not discussing things, but it seems like lefties just can’t control themselves and will constantly bring it up.

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: December 13, 2011, 3:17 pm

My sister is of a different but more common garden-variety Dimocrat.
She’s essentially apolitical and never ever watches the news or reads a paper et al so all her news is second-hand or snatched sound bites before changing the channel.
Lower-income ( my brother-in-law is a hardworking loser/boozer), she lives in constant fear that the Republicans are going to take something away from her. The only thing she understands is that Obama isn’t a Republican, and the poor man is trying to save the country after Bush nearly destroyed it. So, unfortunately, she votes. My brother-in-law hates election day since the bars are closed.

Comment from nightfly
Time: December 13, 2011, 3:45 pm

I’m the apostate in a family of professing Democrats.

The amazing thing is that, when they all get talking at family gatherings, I find myself nodding along in agreement with their observations – but then they reflexively draw the wrong conclusions. “Man, the economy is terrible” (check) “and the investments in my retirement fund are tanking” (check) “because taxes are too high” (double check) “and it’s all Bush’s fault” (ch- wait, what?). And it was all his dad’s fault before that, and Reagan’s fault before that… and presumably all Eisenhower’s fault in their parents’ day.

They’re very smart, and very well educated, and observant, and kind, and I love every last crazy one of them… but they don’t seem to notice that the Democratic Party of their 50’s and 60’s youth has long since sank into the fever swamps, and they are punting through the mire on a raft of nostalgia.

Comment from Mrs Comton
Time: December 13, 2011, 3:59 pm

“It’s said, and truly, that every family has at least one member who embarrasses all the others.

If you can’t think who that might be, it’s you.


I guess that’s me. I’m an only child. *sniff*

Comment from sandman says:nothing to see here…
Time: December 13, 2011, 4:14 pm

I’m the only one in my family who’s a professing christian and served in the military, barring my cousins. I seem to get fairly conservative vibes from the rest of my tribe. My cousins are in business and no one is on welfare.

Guess I’m just lucky to have nothing worse than my pro-Obama sister in law. But , then, she’s my brother’s problem and not mine. I can listen to her drivel and that of her lefty family for just so long, then I walk away. Only way to handle them.
Silence truly is golden.

Comment from beasn
Time: December 13, 2011, 5:52 pm

I’ve got two of Those Brothers, but they ain’t simple like Baby Huey. They are batshit. One is no longer a resident of the United States, but one of the MO territory, has grown his beard, and might have gone vegan. The other is a user, not of drugs, but all sphincter. I do not speak to either.

Then I have a sister who was riding one rail for a long time and now I believe has gone full off.

Comment from Bill (the .003% of your traffic from AfStan)T
Time: December 13, 2011, 5:53 pm

Four sibs, one on Long Island, one in Anchorage, one in Tucson, and one on the Redneck Riviera. They send me jokes via e-mail, and I send them almost-worthless foreign coins for their kids to impress their friends with.

It is with deep embarrassment that I confess that none of us either received unfortunate nicknames or went ’round the bend.

Mom, however…

Comment from beasn
Time: December 13, 2011, 5:56 pm

So, what Oceania is saying is that it lurves it some Nazi practices?

And isn’t NZ more multiculti than us? You guys made your bed and now you don’t want to lie in it? Dummies.

Comment from Allen
Time: December 13, 2011, 8:10 pm

Bill, damn man, they haven’t let you go yet? Or, are you just a glutton for ritzy locations?

I have a brother-in-law who has a few peculiarities. He is actually quite well read, but something happens to the information along the way. He also refuses to eat at our house. When we were getting a new refrigerator he happened to stop by the day before the new one was delivered. He opened it to put his beer inside and saw that the only thing in there was an open can of dogfood. He somehow translated that to, “cannot afford food.” BTW did I mention he always carries his own beer?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 13, 2011, 8:23 pm

Bill! Uncle B and I were just talking about you the other day. Good to see you haven’t got yourself blowed up.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: December 14, 2011, 9:51 am

After the Iraq contract expired, the old outfit turned me loose and a new one scarfed me up, Allen. Seems there’s a niche market for someone who can teach People With Limited English Skills how to keep the twirly side up and the greasy side down after getting caught in a sandstorm.

I haven’t gotten myself blowed up (again) in

*checks watch*

going on thirteen months, now, Mizz Stoaty!

Comment from Bill (the .003% of your traffic from AfStan)T
Time: December 14, 2011, 10:10 am

[memo to self: blocks do *not* autofill since you dropped the laptop during last night’s boom]

Comment from paco
Time: December 20, 2011, 10:18 pm

Just stumbled onto this site via a Google search result that had nothing to do with “batshit crazy conservatives rambling on in pseudo-English somewhere in the ass-end of the internet,” surprisingly enough. Yet here I am. Holy Christ, must reach… browser back button…

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 20, 2011, 10:33 pm

Aw, stick around, Paco. We have a job vacancy for blog troll.

I mean, we have one, but he’s not very good and we’ve heard his whole schtick over and over.

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