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Welp, I’ve done it

I’ve done it. I’ve taken an oath to the King. I’m sure at least a few of my ancestors are rolling their eyeballs in hell. Here’s what I had to say:

I, Stoaty Weasel, swear by Almighty God that, on becoming a British citizen, I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to His Majesty King Charles III, his Heirs and Successors, according to law.

I will give my loyalty to the United Kingdom and respect its rights and freedoms. I will uphold its democratic values. I will observe its laws faithfully and fulfil my duties and obligations as a British citizen.

I had the option to take the oath in Welsh. Are you ready? Back up:

Yr wyf i, Stoaty Weasel, yn tyngu i Dduw Hollalluog y byddaf i, ar ôl dod yn ddinesydd Prydeinig, yn ffyddlon ac yn wir deyrngar i’w Fawrhydi y Brenin Charles y Trydydd, ei Etifeddion a’i Olynwyr, yn unol â’r gyfraith.

Rhoddaf fy nheyrngarwch i’r Deyrnas Unedig a pharchaf ei hawliau a’i rhyddidau. Arddelaf ei gwerthoedd democrataidd. Glynaf yn ffyddlon wrth ei chyfreithiau a chyflawnaf fy nyletswyddau a’m rhwymedigaethau fel dinesydd Prydeinig.

How is this even a language?

So that’s it. My last bit of British legalese. I’ve already registered to vote and started my passport application.

The process was: biometrics, Fiancee Visa, Further Leave to Remain, Life in the UK Test, Indefinite Leave to Remain, Naturalisation application (with added biometrics!). My prospects as a cat burglar are doomed. I’m sure I’m missing a couple of hoops in there.

If you would like a look down memory lane, the keyword is weaselimportlicense. The very first post is How to get a Weasel Import License, Part the First – October 3, 2008. What a long, strange trip it’s been.

p.s. I love the way both the lion and the unicorn are sticking their tongues out. The lion is doing a full Gene Simmons.

Oh, and Norman Lear has copped it. Congratz to Army Brat and new Dead Pool Friday. These things are getting shorter and shorter.

December 6, 2023 — 7:37 pm
Comments: 15

Welp, here we go…

That’s…$1,660.23. Ouch.

Next step, some time in late May I hop a train to Maidstone with my documentation and have my dabs taken (that’s English cop slang for fingerprints). All the alternatives were in London, so whatevs.

After that, a ceremony. Closer to home, I hope. I will have to swear an Oath of Allegiance, an Affirmation of Allegiance and a Pledge. The first two are to the Crown, which chaps my ass because I take my word seriously.

“At the end of the ceremony you’ll be presented with your certificate of British citizenship and a welcome pack.”

A welcome pack. I do hope there’s a little Union Jack in it.

p.s. New Dead Pool tomorrow. Harry Belafonte fans and Jerry Springer pickers hardest hit.

April 27, 2023 — 6:27 pm
Comments: 12

I’m not even sure *this* is English

I’m doing it, guys. I’m doing the last ever bit of paperwork – going for my British citizenship.

I’ve been eligible for years now, I’m just. You know. Lazy.

Also, I hate, hate, HATE dealing with the immigration authorities here. They’re all surly brown people with a chip on their hijab.

So this is a tick box: I have promised to provide “The United States of America passport, identity card or official letter for S. Weasel to prove the level of English language required”

What does that mean? Showing my passport proves I speak English? It doesn’t, you know.

Oh, well. If I make it, I have to go take an oath to Charlie in public and then I get a new citizen welcome kit. Really.

Going to cost me £1,330, too. Still, I’ll be able to commit misdemeanors and not get deported. Worth it!

March 31, 2023 — 6:34 pm
Comments: 12

Back to my roots…

I don’t suppose too many of you have been around long enough to remember. For a long time, a big topic of this blog was the long, tedious, expensive process of immigrating to the UK. Hoo, the paperwork!

(It makes me laugh when tough guys on Twitter talk about leaving the U.S. They have no idea how almost impossible it is to move to any non-shithole country on a whim unless you’re a brain surgeon or a billionaire).

Welp, this is it. The last thang. Citizenship.

I’ve been eligible for over ten years. I’m just lazy. To be honest, though, if I have to swear an oath (and I do) I’d rather swear fealty to the old lady.

First step: applying to the US Embassy for a valid passport. Mine’s expired. They shut the process down for all but emergencies during much of the last year, which slowed me down. This process makes me nervous because all the visas that allow me to stay take the form of stamps in my old passport.

Wish me luck.

p.s. No, I don’t have to give up US citizenship. As a dual citizen, I can’t get a security clearance in either country and if I get kidnapped by pirates, my two countries may fight over who is on the hook for my ransom. Other than that, no probs.

p.p.s. Have a good weekend!

June 11, 2021 — 7:13 pm
Comments: 14

I’m onna be a Limey!

Today is the third anniversary of the day I arrived in the UK, making me eligible to ask for citizenship (as a spouse; it’s five years if you’re here on a work visa). It doesn’t have any effect on my American citizenship and if I’m going to live here for the rest of my life, I demand the right to vote for a whole ‘nother bunch of useless lying politicians who won’t do a thing I agree with.

So that’ll be the end of my immigration adventures. My, how time flies when you’re drinking warm beer and eating jellied lamb’s knuckles.

Actually…it’s not quite time. I have to have sponsors attest my good character (hee hee!) and they have to swear they’ve known me for three years. The vicar for one, and we didn’t meet until December ’08 (for pre-marriage counseling. Brrrrrr).

Also, I need time to pull money over from the States to pay for this shindig. But they say you get a New Citizen Welcome Pack after you pinkie swear.

The picture? I ran across it on the Web today and thought it was funny. No idea where it comes from originally, but it was obviously done as a joke from the beginning.

Can you imagine the casting call on this one? “Ladies! Ladies! We need ten ugly ass-faced old cows who look like they’ve never been kissed in their lives…!”

Good weekend, everyone!

p.s. The cat got up on the counter and ate the turkey while we slept last night, so poor Uncle B didn’t get his turkey sangwich. Me, I trimmed off the gnawed bits, fed them to the outside cat and had myself some fine eating.

November 25, 2011 — 10:38 pm
Comments: 64

Th-th-th-the-th-the-THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!

There it is — ain’t it a beaut? — the stamp in my passport that means I don’t have fuck around with the UK Border Agency any more. This thing cost more than my last car.

In theory, that’s it. That’s all. No more. Done being a immigrant.

In practice, I’m going for citizenship as soon as I’m eligible, which is late November. It doesn’t mess with my American citizenship and it makes life easier here. I mean, I can’t just let these limeys choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich without my input, can I?

I have to do it quick, though. I’m happy to pledge loyalty to Her Maj, but I’m damned if I swear fealty to that jug-eared Algore-wannabe useless son of hers.

September 13, 2011 — 8:09 pm
Comments: 45

One last time, with feeling

You’ll have to excuse me for tonight, folks. This fascinating pile of wombat shit is the makings of my third and final visa application, form SET(M). AKA the Indefinite Leave to Remain.

It wasn’t actually due for another couple of weeks, but the civil service has scheduled a strike for June 30, which includes the UK Border Agency. Judging by past strikes, the UKBA won’t cut me any slack if my visa runs out while they’re on strike. Because everyone knows there’s a strike and should plan around it. Also because fuck you, American Weasel.

Thing I do not want to be when I grow up: illegal alien.

So here I am filling out forms and writing a check for £972 (that’s $1,555.20 in people money). Actually, poor old Uncle B had to write the check as I can’t move that much moola that fast.

In theory — assuming I haven’t filled out something in blue ink instead of black — this is it for me. When this comes back, I’m done. Finito. Fully paid up.

But when I’m eligible for citizenship in November, I’m going to go for it. What the hell — my people are from just up the road, originally, until my umpty great grandfather got a hankering to trade in tobacco. Or became a Quaker. Or poached a deer. We’re unclear on the point.

And if I take the oath I can vote.

Also commit felonies and not get deported.

June 22, 2011 — 10:13 pm
Comments: 28

Tick another box, pls

Please pardon my ruinous neglect of the blog in the past few days; I’ve been cramming for an exam.

At my age. The shame.

Before I get my next (and final) visa, I had to pass a thing called the Life in the UK Test — a Brit trivia test that (by common consent) most Brits couldn’t pass.

It’s only 24 questions (and you only have to get 18 right), but it’s pulled (randomly, by computer, when you sit down to take the exam) from a pool of a thousand possible questions. I had to Hoover up a lot of material in a short time (because if I tried it over a longer time, I’d just freaking forget everything. I remember that much from school). Given that the test was invented under a Labour government, it’s a lot of women’s rights and ethnic issues and how to apply for benefits and what to do with all the reliably Labour-voting babies you’ll be popping out as a new citizen.

So I took the train to Maidstone all by myself today and sat for my exam. I got 24 ones I knew, blew through them in 4 minutes and got 100%. I think. They don’t actually give you a score, just pass/fail.

Anyhoo, now I drink! I’ve got a hell of a lot of statistics to forget…

You can take a sample test here or here. I just pulled those links randomly off a search. I can’t vouch for the sites. You’ll probably get a virus, but you won’t have to emigrate to the UK!

May 10, 2011 — 9:47 pm
Comments: 37

Cram school! Yay!

My books arrived today! And no, they weren’t free!

I’m coming up on two years in the UK — time to prepare for the next (and final) visa. To clear that hurdle, I’ll have to pass an exam called the Life in the UK Test. This delicious morsel was whipped up by Labour in 2007 in the hope it would convince the wider British public that honest to god we haven’t just thrown open the doors and walked away.

Didn’t they, fuck.

Anyhow, the joke is, most Brits would have a hard time passing this thing. Free sample:

True or false: you should not ask questions in an interview.

True or false: half of all young people in the UK have taken part in fundraising or collecting money for charity.

Since 1979 the number of refugees from South East Asia who have been allowed to settle in the UK is: a) less than 2,500 b) between 2,501 and 10,000 c) between 10,001 and 25,000 or d) more than 25,000

And on and on. There are a stupidly large number of questions about Scotland (the last government had an inordinate number of Scots) and about school (honestly, I am never going to need to know at what age to take which exams) and about how to apply for various kinds of benefits (what every new citizen needs to know). Still, I suppose I’m learning stuff.

Did you know the head of the Church of Scotland is called the Moderator? Makes the church sound like a gameshow or an online discussion forum.

¡Noticia! tonight is the peak of the Perseid meteor showers. Look to the Northeast between midnight and dawn.

August 12, 2010 — 11:07 pm
Comments: 19

Weezl is leegl!!!


Got confirmation of my second visa today. Actually, “confirmation” is a bit of an overstatement — I got a package with all my stuff in it and a cover letter that said, “here’s your stuff; you’ll get your ID next week.” So I guess that’s a yes.

The first visa was the fiancée visa — required biometric data, good for six months, entitled me to enter the country and get married. I’ve been here longer than six months, but I was covered by that visa for the fourteen weeks they considered my second application. That’s standard turnaround for this one, but I was starting to sweat a little.

This visa is the Further Leave to Remain — biometrics again, and then I’ve got two years less a month from the date I entered the country to apply for the next one. During which time I have to take the Life in the UK Test, a multiple choice exam in which your humble weasel regurgitates facts such as the year Her Maj was crowned and the percentage of the population that is Hindu. No shit. Really looking forward to it.

Ordinarily, the next visa along would be the Indefinite Leave to Remain, and soon after I’d be eligible for citizenship. But they’re in the process of rolling those two things together into a Provisional Citizenship, with community service and some shit to be determined later. The almost certain change in governments we’ll have in the next year may not change that — sometimes the civil services rocks on regardless.

Anyhow, the important thing is — I can get a job now!



July 10, 2009 — 6:18 pm
Comments: 44