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Fucidin H? *Really*?

I’ve got a nasty rash. Have I mentioned? I really, really nasty poofy itchy bleedy thing. My arms, my legs, top of my feet, back and shoulders and…oohhhh, my sweet Aunt Fanny…on my butt.

I’ve been ignoring it for a couple of weeks now. That’s my default position on any illness: if I can probably survive the night without medical intervention, I’m willing to give it a shot.

But today Uncle B put his foot down (fair enough. Sleeping next to it might even be more disgusting than wearing it). Rather than try to get an appointment with my regular GP this close to Christmas, we opted for a walk-in clinic a couple of towns over.

The doctor there said it was likely either ringworm (which is actually a fungus) or ovoid eczema (which is bacterial, but I think he’s bullshitting me there, because “ovoid eczema” just means “round swollen bit”).

To find out which, all he’d have to do is shine an ultraviolet on it. If it’s fungal, the rash will fluoresce. If it’s bacterial, it won’t. But he couldn’t do that, because that’s technically a “test” and he’s not my GP. NHS rules say only my official GP can order a test.

So he had to give me treatment for both.

And there you have it: socialized medicine. The NHS isn’t terrible. It isn’t Soviet. If you didn’t tot up the eye-watering cost, it’s actually pretty good, at least around here. The doctors are competent, the staff is polite and professional, the facilities are clean and modern. I got to see a doctor within hours of deciding I needed one.

But always the ham fist of government making sure nobody uses common sense.

Oh, and hey — I get to rub myself down with liniment five freaking times a day.

Yay! Sandy Claus brought me ass cream for Christmas!


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 21, 2010, 11:28 pm

Although the real horror stories are told about hospitals and serious illnesses and I have experience of neither, I’m happy to say.

I have seen a WHOLE lot less routine screening. My doctor in RI brought me in for blood pressure checks every few months, and a really thorough physical once a year. Not much of anything here, after they got my blood pressure meds worked out initially.

To be honest, I’m rather glad not to be doing all that any more.

Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: December 21, 2010, 11:36 pm

What you should have done was tell the guy you’d be right back, then run over to a shop that sells black lights, and shined one on your rash…voila!

But that would be too easy. 🙂

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: December 22, 2010, 12:10 am

Should have gone to a head shop to check out their black light posters, then voila 🙂

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: December 22, 2010, 1:07 am

You can probably tell by now which of your readers are druggies…

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: December 22, 2010, 1:29 am

Wheels in his heated food cart, and hands out cold Dad’s root beer, and hot fish sticks and chili cheese fries to everyone but Stoaty. The Badger then dons his HazMat suit, and gives Stoaty her RB, fish sticks, and chili cheese fries. Get well soon, so you can be given a Big Badger Christmas Hug from this side of the Atlantic. Internet’s Most Important Weasel, after all. Take good care of her, Cousin, ( I’ll leave your HazMat suit in the hall closet, on the way out ). I’ll try to remember to bring a treat tommorrow night, too.

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: December 22, 2010, 1:50 am

You can probably tell by now which of your readers are druggies…

Yeah, that reminds me…can I get Zombie Reagan silk screened onto a bong in time for Christmas? 🙂

Comment from steve
Time: December 22, 2010, 1:59 am

Have you considered Buttpaste?


Comment from Ric Locke
Time: December 22, 2010, 2:05 am

…nobody uses common sense.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate that?

Yes, I know, it’s a figure of speech. But if sense was common the world would be an entirely different place.


Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: December 22, 2010, 2:24 am

Scott-the-Badger. . .
Ooooh! Refreshments! Thank you veddymuch. I have been working hard NOT to accrue weight this season, but who can resist Dad’s and chili-cheese fries? (OK, I’ll admit, I passed on the fish sticks).

Sweas, what can one possibly say that would encompass and adequately respond to the experience of itching globally? I am thinking the very most positive thoughts I can in support of your RAPID healing. May you be recovered by the New Year!

Comment from Oh Hell
Time: December 22, 2010, 2:42 am

The doc should have “accidentally” turned on his handy dandy ultraviolet test light and then had a moment of “zen diagnosis”. But, nooooo that would be cheating…
Hope you recover soon!

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: December 22, 2010, 2:52 am

For Oh Hell:
You need to understand that is NOT the government way. Coming soon to a doctor’s office near you if you live in the good ol’ US of A!

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 22, 2010, 2:56 am

“All she wants is the fungus off her two ass cheeks,
her two ass cheeks,
her two ass cheeks,

Gee, if she could clear the fungus off her two ass cheeks,
she could……..”

Ahhh, sorry. Got carried away there Stoatie…..

(Hey, at least I left out the whistling part of the song….) 😉

Comment from Nina
Time: December 22, 2010, 3:18 am

Stoaty should never ever ever tell us anything even remotely personal– we obviously cannot be trusted with it.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: December 22, 2010, 3:19 am

Huh! You think fungus-of-the-arse-cheeks is bad?

Her Stoatliness wandered in a while ago and said she’d heard plates rattling in the kitchen cupboard.

Naturally, I just grunted and went back to digging for worms.

It later transpired that we’ve been on the edge of a teeny earthquake (rare here).

What with the froz, the leprosy and now an earthquake I’m starting to wonder who has been making wax dolls.

Comment from Mcgyver
Time: December 22, 2010, 3:30 am

Uuummm… You just adopted a barn cat, yes? (Mcgyver says as the setter tries to crawl into his lap) p’raps a visit to the vet might “shed” (see what I did there?) some light on the fungus vs. “round swollen bit” controversy. Have to admit, I’m a dog people, but the BEST cat we ever had was Joy, a calico who would hunt down and destroy trespassing dogs, cats, kids, geese, ducks and damn near anything else. OTOH, my mom has 8mm film of a banty hen and her several chicks, a mallard duckling, Pride (the dog, natch!), Joy and her kits all in one big pile on the back step snoozing in the sun. Pretty funny to see kits poking out from under a hens wing and chicks sleeping on a dog, etc. It was a good time to be a kid. Mcgyver, out

Comment from Elphaba
Time: December 22, 2010, 4:19 am

Hope one of those meds works for you real quick, Stoaty. And have yourself Merry Little Christmas, ‘kay? <3

Comment from mags
Time: December 22, 2010, 6:57 am

By the by, while the meds are designed to eliminate the cause of the problem, the aftermath may linger on the skin for a while. If I may, I would suggest going to your local store run by West Africans, and finding out if they have any Shea Butter (or, if Francophone, Karite). Dry, rashy skin + cold weather = pain and itchiness. These stores will sell the real deal, unadulterated, unprocessed, and cheaply.
So as long as you aren’t allergic to tree nuts, give it a try. Have an excellent recovery my dear Weasel.

Comment from JuliaM
Time: December 22, 2010, 8:59 am

“To find out which, all he’d have to do is shine an ultraviolet on it. If it’s fungal, the rash will fluoresce. If it’s bacterial, it won’t. But he couldn’t do that, because that’s technically a “test” and he’s not my GP.”

I really fail to see how that’s any more of a ‘test’ than taking your blood pressure or using a stethoscope!

Ahh, the NHS. Ain’t it grand? Government runs everything more efficiently, right?

Comment from some vegetable
Time: December 22, 2010, 12:30 pm

Dr* Vegetable bas two comments, one historical reference, and one question:
Our cute little free (only $200 in “voluntary” donations”) Coco kitty came with the no-cost ringworm option. Bet your new cat did too.

In America that test would have cost your insurance company $400.

During the French revolution Marat eased his itching by soaking in medicated bath not by rubbing creme on his ass. Just don’t accept visits from strange women while you’re bathing.

Finally, when Coco had ringworm I was’nt brave/dumb enough to try rubbing creme on HER cat-ass 5 times a day. Don’t they have pills Uncle Badger could give you like I had for Coco?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 22, 2010, 12:31 pm

Asbo’s a possibility. I could’ve caught a fungus off the chickens. Sheep carry ringworm (there’s bits of wool blowing all over our garden). Our garden is alive with wild birds this time of year. Any number of possibilities.

I’ve had ringworm before, and several nasty rashes I caught in the woods. One was poison oak or something — I felt the initial sting when I put my hand in a clump of foliage. Another I picked up sitting on a rotten log. I think that was mange; I kept pet mice at the time and it ate them up, poor bastards.

It sounds bad, but five or six nasty rashes spread across fifty years isn’t so much.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 22, 2010, 1:35 pm

Butt paste. With a link. Is it ANY wonder the spam filter called that one out of line, steve?

Comment from steve
Time: December 22, 2010, 2:25 pm

Buttpaste = Assporn?

The fault, dear Weasel is not in our stars, but in our spam filter….

BTW, scuba….

That’s some inspired lyric-ing, right there!

And, Uncle B….I would not rule out the Hansons disease diagnosis, just yet….Perhaps a trip to Molakai to visit with Father Damien for a while would help restore a young weasel’s health….

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: December 22, 2010, 10:08 pm

Hark how it itches,
De-manding scritches,
all seem so red,
banging my head

Rashes are here,
need some good beer,
doctor gave me salves,
to smear on my calves.
Ding dong ding dong
salves really sting
ears start to ring
all grumbling.

….. Sorry Stoatie, but you’ve probably noticed by now that I’m a seriously twisted little puppy…. 😉

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 22, 2010, 10:26 pm

Ugh. And I’m overdue for my 10pm ointment. Number 4 of 5 for the day.

First full day, and I’m already SICK of it.

Comment from Mike C.
Time: December 22, 2010, 10:33 pm

A late and off-topic (there was one, wasn’t there?) – “Dennis the Peasant” is cashing in his chips and shutting down his blog sometime between now and the New Year. Probably the very first human on the planet to peg Charles Johnson for the idiot we later all realised he is. Personally, I am saddened.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 22, 2010, 10:49 pm

Oh, dear…that is sad to hear, Mike C. It’s a blog that was well aware of, though I was not a regular follower. I hate to see them go.

And, as the topic was ass rashes, I’m happy to have it changed. In fact, I’m always happy to see threads wander off-topic.

Comment from Nina
Time: December 23, 2010, 3:05 am

I hope your ass rash is better in the morning at least, Stoaty, the loss of DtP notwithstanding.


Comment from jam2
Time: December 23, 2010, 6:22 am

asscream…. asscream

we all scream for asscream….

the cool thing about asscream in the middle of the winter is at least it won’t melt….

get better soon,
Merry Christmas & Happy New Annular Rings…

Comment from jam2
Time: December 23, 2010, 6:26 am

i just actually paid attention to the boxes….
was the “clomitria” a result of the “fuc id in”?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: December 23, 2010, 11:21 am

It’s a cinch the PR person who named Fucidin was not a native English speaker.

And thanks everyone — my buttcrack is fairly comfy this morning.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: December 23, 2010, 3:45 pm

Fucidin? Be sure to try the companion product, Fukitol.

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