sweasel.com

Oh my.

Look, there’s Prince Will! Let’s focus on something nice, shall we. (This too shall pass.)

Obama’s wife met with two top leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I thought that was quite interesting.

Romney and Mrs. Romney, Reid and Mrs. Reid, and Leavitt (Secretary of Health and Human Services, former Governor of Utah) and Mrs. Leavitt all shared some cordial time together during the funeral of President Gordon B. Hinckly this Saturday.

They need to rededicate the Conference Center (where the funeral was held): Reid’s presence undoubtedly defiled it.

They need to rededicate the Conference Center (where the funeral was held): Reid’s presence undoubtedly defiled it.

No shit. Bring in a priest too, to exorcise it, just to be doubly safe.

Like your graphic weasel. We are so screwed.
I am keeping the tv and most radio off today. If we are taking a leap off the cliff, I would rather keep my eyes closed.
Though I am listening to Rush at the moment talking about how that nasty bastard is using Dole and slamming Romney again. What a cheap bastage.

Awesome poster! He looks like he’s trying to crap out Ho Chi Minh.

Yeah, I listened to a bit of Rush today, too. And Laura Ingraham. I’m not usually a listener, except when I need comfortin’.

I am so screwed in terms of work, though. What with the house and the move and all, I have the attention span of a ground squirrel. And yet, I still have a job to do 🙁

Heh, Cuffy. Remember Joe Lockhart, the Clinton spokesman with the bulgy eyes? Somebody once described him as “looking like he was trying to crap a damp sponge.” Perfect.

That’s good imagery, Weaz. You too, Cuffy. He’s “pinching a Minh!”

The weatherman over on the sidebar changed!

You know what’s really creepy and upsetting? How much energy I’ve put into trying to work out how hard it would be to crap a damp sponge, ever since I heard the phrase. I think Lockhart stood down in, like, ’94.

I would think crapping a damp sponge would be easier to squeeze out than a costive sort of turd. Alrighty then.

Just talked to a friend, checking up on my primary affected mentals. She just went to vote with her elderly Hillary supporting parents. Her mother is in the needing-constant-supervision stage of alzheimers. Her dad ‘helps’ her vote. Tells me she noticed that they both voted for every candidate on the ballot BUT then she had to tell them and they had to get a new ballot. I said why on earth did you let them know? If they screw up that bad, their vote should be thrown out.
Reason why they and their friends are voting for Hillary…..because of her experience. Yep, the mouthbreathing crowd who only listen to soundbites and read headlines.

p’n b,

Isn’t it absolutely horrifying when you find out that certain stereotypes really exist – and are actually plentiful? Kinda like discovering that vampires are real.

As for crapping a damp sponge: I gave it some thought and decided that it might be really quite tricky. Ya see, when the ol’ butt muscles back there squeeze it to expel it, the fluid content flows out (what happens when you squeeze a sponge?) but the solid sponge stays right where it is.

Its actually a fairly cunning conundrum. I like it.

Is the sponge square like that pantsed fellow?

It’s true. You could crap a wet sponge pretty easily. Or, without too much more effort, a totally dry one. But a damp sponge passively resists.

There really ought to be a martial art called Crapping the Damp Sponge.

During the Great Florida Debacle of 2000, there was an NPR report about a busload of ‘tards that had been rounded up fromj a local state home to go vote. They interviewed the lady who sat on the bus and instructed them how to vote, and she was nearly in tears because she had told them to tick the last box on page one, when they should’ve ticked the first box on page two (or something like that) because of a last-minute ballot change. I thought, “this is legal? And you think you have a complaint?”

There are no results for “butt sponges” in google or yahoo.

Opportunity knocks…

Musli, how do you say butt sponge in Chinese – and does it have any slang or colloquial meaning? (Maybe it means ‘brother-in-law’ or sumpin). We can perhaps advertise them as ancient Chinese technology.

Yeah, Weaz – a really wet one would have enough mass to move.

There really ought to be a martial art called Crapping the Damp Sponge.

Read “Lamb”, by Christopher Moore. He comes close.

Crapping the Damp Sponge.

Gleaming the Cube.

Pi haimian.

Random fact: when “mian” is the 2nd tone, “haimian” means “sponge”; when “mian” is with the 4th tone, “haimian” means “ocean surface”. Tones are quite important! Indeed, the difference between “horse” and “mother” is the tone (“ma” with the 3rd tone is “horse”; “ma” with the 1st tone is “mother”.

So Pi Haimain with a 4th tone on mian means “butt oceans surface”? Oy!

Yeah, I had a Vietnamese buddy in college who tried teaching me those tone thingys. I never could tell the difference. I just don’t have the ear. He later went back home and was arrested.

Power is blinking, so goodbye.

Thanks, McGoo. I feel better not being able to tell tones apart when they’re spoken or when I need to speak them. Good thing: else I’d get arrested.

The storm passed by.

Yes, Musli. I can see me trying to find the fish market and accidentally asking a cop, “Let me pinch your nipples, I’m deeply in love with your thighs.” That would be a really bad day.

My hovercraft is full of eels.

I see Weaz speaks fluent Monty Python! I knew it. “My nipples explode with delight.”

Oh, sure. My long, slow descent into Englishness began forty years ago.

Jesus.

I hate that I can remember forty years ago.

Yep.

Are you basement camping yet?

Not yet. My Magic Negro was supposed to show up today to paint the basement floor so I could move my stuff down there, but he din’t. Meanwhile, my Magic Italian (with whom I have been trying to make and appointment since OCTOBER and who is vital to taking something out of the upstairs closet before the floors can be finished) is showing up (he says) at nine in the morning.

I HATE the fucking blue collar working classes. Have I mentioned that?

BTW, how’s the ‘flu?

Did you see what I did there, with the apostrophe before the “flu” — making it clear that the word is short for “influenza”? Yeah. Got that off’n Uncle B.

You know, seriously. I’m going to start skinning possums and making possum pot pies any minute now. Call it a protest vote against accroaching Englishness.

Hey! I like that apostrophe-flu thingy. I might shamelessly* steal it since I seem to be using the word a lot lately.

* And I can assure you – I’m shameless.

I’ll bet your patience is stretched pretty thin, Weaz. I do sympathize. But you’ll get there.

‘Possums (note apostrophe) are one of the uglier critters, in my opinion. Stupid, too. We have ’em here in the storm drains. They come out at night and eat stuff from folks gardens. When they have young clinging to them they are especially disgusting.

Oh – the ‘flu is getting better – a little. Worst is over, I think.

McGoo this shit weather is pissing me off. First a thunderstorm/nasty lightening/raining ice balls…now rain.
Husbands vehicle is in the shop, so had to wait until he came home to go vote, then take him to pick up his vehicle in this crap. It was a white knuckler, so had to holler at him instead of punching him for driving like a damned old goat. GAHHH….Wouldn’t have been so bad had he come home at lunch like he promised and I didn’t have a migraine.
(Took him an hour past the time he finally set off due to someone sliding on the torrent of ice balls near Mid Rivers)

‘Possums are hideous animals. Hate ’em. Big white rats.

I pondered mentioning this on the wildcat thread — my mother always maintained ‘possums were untameable. She was VERY good with wild animals, my mother, but never succeeded with ‘possums. She said you could handle ’em and calm ’em down in a single session, but next time you picked ’em up, you had to start over from scratch.

She thought it was because they were marsupials: by the time they were sufficently viable to survive, they’d been listening to mom hiss and growl for weeks.

Note apostrophes.

Sister just sent me this.

Subject: Three things to ponder

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it any more.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal”, “Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work
environment.

Big white rats. Words of wisdom, Weaz, words of wisdom.

porknbean – I gather you’ve been peeking at the election results? It explains your attitude, which matches mine. Yes – the weather sucks it right now. Its really pissing me off. I had to shut down twice this evening ’cause of power blinks.

I can’t believe MO split between McC and Huckabullshit. MO is now the Stupid State in my opinion.

Hillary is actually going to take it. Christ.

Also what’s got me pissed off is that I just learned that I infected my Tx host with the crap I caught. He’s miserable and its my fault. Shit!

No McGoo, I haven’t been looking at the results at all. I already don’t feel good….migraine.
MO is a bunch of old, fat, lazy, screw the rich, I want my share no matter how much I don’t work for it, big government wipe my ass kind of state. I’m related to a whole mess of ’em.
With McCain giving Huckleberry his votes in WV, methinks they may be teaming up?

Sorry about the migraine. Been there – hate ’em. I’d rather cut off important body parts than suffer another one. How can you surf with one? I can’t stand my own heartbeats (they hurt my head) when I’m down with one.

Yeah – McC and Huck – P & VP.

We’re doomed.

People in Florida are calling to find out how they vote in the Super Tuesday primary today. Du’h simply doesn’t suffice….

We never should have given the Idiot the right to vote. I knew it would be trouble….next thing you know they’ll want to reproduce. And ride in the front of the bus.

If I don’t move my head too much, I can deal. For now. It is at crabby stage. Hopefully I will be able to fend off the nauseous, knee wobbling stage.

MO was an open primary. One of the husband’s coworkers voted for Obama for two reasons…1. he wanted to stack the other side with someone he thinks we could beat…2. he is evangelical and thinks Mitt belongs to a cult.
Hmmmm….he voted for a death cult (muslim, separatist, whatever) over a clean cut hardworking cult. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense there skippy. I’ll have the husband forward him a nice email tomorrow.

Of course the idiots in Fla would be asking that. They are used to voting more than once in any given election. They’ll even do it after they die. They probably crossed state lines to do it again. They voted for Clinton, now they want to vote for Osama.

You know what “MO” stands for? Yep, “misery”.

They voted for Clinton, now they want to vote for Osama.

I have been doing that all day whilst talking about Barack Hussein. It’s annoying.

Pretty soon I’ll be rambling about Obama hiding in the mountains of Waziristan.

And to think BHO was calling for the invasion of Pakistan. Stoooopeed.

Invade Pakistan: something Obama and Osama/Usama can agree on! After the utter failure of The United States in the War on Terror, of course.

(Woohoo! Trifecta!)

Yes, we who inhabit the state of Misery are quite familiar with its characteristics.

But its not as strange as France. The main problem with France is that – well – its inhabited by the French. The Brits noted that some time ago, but haven’t seen fit to do anything about it.

I had not thought about Possums for many years until I went on a business trip to Manhattan a while back. I had just snuggled into my suite for the evening when my cell phone rang with a call from a slightly hysterical puzzled Mrs. Lokki. As you are all aware by now, Mrs. Lokki is/was a Tokyo girl; Tokyo being a place with a definite lack of wild life since the last squirrel was run over by a taxi in 1936.

In any case, she called and tried to describe – in a mixture of English and Japanese – a giant mutant rat who had obviously barely survived multiple battles with a weed eater or something, and which was happily eating sunflower seeds spilled by profligate sparrows from our bird feeder.

My first guess from her descriptions, was (since we lived in Williamsburg VA at that time) was that the rat was an escapee from the nearby James River Nuclear Power plant. As a side note, the way we learned that the James River Nuclear Power Plant was 10 miles away across the river was through the receipt of a beautiful calendar in the mail. The pictures on the calendar were classic Colonial Williamsburg stuff, but at the bottom of each page were helpful hints about escape routes and Iodine pills for radiation, etc. Funny how our real estate agent had forgotten to mention our colonial 3-mile-islander.

By I digress. I finally realized that her description could only mean a possum… which explanation was greeted with the polite Japanese girl’s equivalent of “what the FUCK is a Possum???. No such beast exists in Japan even in mythology.

I have to say that looking it up in the encyclopedia led more to “ewwww yuck!” than to “Oh how cute!”

Still, I’ll eat two or three possums raw before I will vote for John McCain.

Didn’t the King of England claim the title of “King of France” until relatively recently? I know the English tried to conquer France. After all, that’s where the Normans came from in 1066. (From Normandy on the coast of France, if I recall correctly.) (And I have no idea what rôle Brittany plays regarding the Brits and Fwench.) (Indeed, The Queen has the title “Duke of Normandy” but by now English-ruled Normandy refers solely to the Canary Islands or something like that. And despite being a female, The Queen is Duke of Normany, not Duchess.)

And consider: the best recent French president isn’t even French: his ethnic roots are Hungarian.

I think it’s time we established the American Channel between us and Québec, like England did with France.

Lokki: I love your stories about your wife. So amusing. (And considering many of my male relatives married thoroughly Pakistani wives in Pakistan and brought them over to America, and having done so once myself, I can somewhat relate.)

True story: soon after my mother came to America after my father married her, a salesman came to the door. She ushered him in and retired to the kitchen, coming back with a cup of tea and some kababs. Make and bring tea and snacks for all guests, she was taught in her youth. She said the salesman was a bit confused.

Last time she served tea and kabab to a door-to-door salesman.

‘Nother trifecta (note apostrophe)! But it’s far from perfecta. In fact, it’s quite horrificta.

Your Grace: I got a daily calendar thingy with tons of trivia for each day. (One block of trivia info, one fact on something that occurred that day, and a quote.) I only later found out it’s an English calendar with lots of England-specific info. When such info comes up, would you like for me to share it with you and/or your blog-community? Recent examples include the “numbers” English shepherds use to count their sheep, and the prayer used during opening of Parliament.

Counting Sheep?

One sheep is a sheep.
Two sheeps is sheepeses
Three sheeps is an orgy!

Stoaty – your poster worked! I vote in Arizona, so of course my vote was a throw away. Arizona loves them some Mavericks.

Stupid pig farmers.

I thought you Arizonans had it in for McCain. Something to do with not liking his approval of illegals. Or because the laws, for now, are finally getting followed, ya’ll forgot what he has up sleeve?

up ‘his’ sleeve…….sheesh

HAHAHAHA! Omigosh! Somebody in Germany just found sweasel.com doing a search for “Irma Little Teapot”!!!

That made my morning. Which isn’t hard on account of my morning has TOTALLY SUCKED. I had the plumbing/electrical guy in (he was an hour and a half late, natch) and he managed to depress me completely over the prospects of selling Weasel Towers. Oh, well.

Brit trivia would be lovely, Musli. Just…nothing depressing, please. My relief at dodging the possibility of living under a President McCain or a President Hillary! is definitely harshed by the political realities of Britain. Which are awful.

And it’s raining.

Thank god I drink or I’d never get through all this.

I wonder if the Kraut was looking at The News On Cracked? Whatshisname (Lex Friedman?) just mentioned “I’m a little teapot”.

Don’t believe the electron-pushing shit-piper, Stoaty! Houses are still selling. Folks are just being choosy now. You know it’ll sell quickly, because its exactly what someone wants. They’re looking for it right now, as a matter of fact.

We may have snow on the way in StL. Again. What a revolting development.

Lokki – that guy in Michigan got 20 years for loving-long-time that sheep last year. Watch out!

Ya have to wonder, though…is a 20-year prison sentence for long-boning a sheep really….appropriate?

Considering the fact we mercilessly slaughter them by the millions every year without a thought, whats the big deal?

Sorry. Just musing…

Yes, this is going to turn to snow. So I have to stop at Home Despot on the way home and get some painting stuff. So I can paint, in case I’m snowed in. <sob>

It’s the boiler McGoo. It’s 55 years old. He says I should be prepared to knock ten grand off the price on that alone, because nobody will get a mortgage with that sucker in place.

That isn’t the only thing wrong, either. In a buyer’s market, this one’s going to be a tough sell.

On the upside, the experience is squeezing every last drop of reluctance out of me. I can’t get out fast enough…

I feel for you, Weaz.

I think there is a law of thermodynamics that forbids painting when its threatening to snow.

Don’t forget to stop at the liquor store when you go to the Despot. You don’t know how long you’ll be holed up at home.

McGoo, ahem… what makes you assume that the sheep posty thingy was in any way related to the poster formerly know as Lokki? I’m shocked and surprised. I’d never do anything bad to sheepeses – Some of my closest friends are sheep.

Weasel…
Fear ye not. There are plenty of tricks ways to sell a house once you get it all painted, etc. You probably know most of them, but I’m sure the folks here can offer more;

6? Uhm somebody help me out here Uhm, new issue of Playboy in the bathroom? Uhm …..

Well, Hell! You all can read between the lines…I guess.

Hell.

I thought of you, Your Grace, when I read “Hillary Vs. McCain?” by BlameBush!.

Lokki – That was a typo intended for someone else who posts here, and an imposter McGoo wrote it. Everyone knows I’m sick – I mean ILL – I mean down with the ‘flu – oh, fuggit.

That’s exactly the list you didn’t type that I would recommend to Weaz – if I had known all them tricks. And its MAXIM – not Playboy.

If there is no mortgage on your part Weaz, then there are one or two other tricks you can pull – depending on how much of the sales proceeds you’re willing to part with under the table. But – ahem – that is not a fit subject for a public discourse.

I got a mortgage AND an equity loan. I bought at the tippy top of the market and I’m selling in the worst trough in decades. The only thing I’ve got going for me is twenty years worth of equity.

Weasel – those old boilers are DANGEROUS.

Be very careful… I hope you have GOOD INSURANCE.

http://wbztv.com/local/Weymouth.fire.firefighter.2.626327.html

Oh, and pay no attention to the line in the story that says:

Initial reports had led officials to believe arson was the cause, because the home was just days away from an owner ship change.

‘Cause it wasn’t arson, see?

Got any relatives that would rent it – and are reliable? Naa. They’re all in Tn or elsewhere, or are strange (like mine) aren’t they? Rats.

Yes, Weaz, you have your task in front of you. But the world will turn, M’lady. Neat things happen – and at the damnedest times, too!

Lokki – stop reading my mind! I’m not done with it yet, and its rude to read over someone’s shoulder!

Mr McGoo…. I am amazed that your thoughts and that Lokki guys match. His posts seems so, so, polished and burnished. while you just fire away. Additionally his thinking is much heavier than yours which seems so much lighter. Now please don’t think this post is a flame.

Really, weasel, have you thought about renting the thing out? Two houses, 1000sq ft bigger than mine were on the market for months, and are now being rented. One of the owners live many states away. I am sure the rent has to be around $3500 a month.

That wasn’t me! I was blowing my nose. It’s not my fault!

When my handicapped brother accidentally burned down the house Mom bought for him back in ’05, the insurance company withheld 10% of the payout (it was a total loss according to them) until the destroyed property was either rebuilt or sold. When we rehabilitated it, they paid off the rest promptly.

So if ones property did burn, one would need to know that (if one was going to walk away from it, i.e. sell the hulk).

Interesting thing about houses that burn: buyers will come out of the woodwork – in droves, I tell ya! – to pick it up cheap and re-hab it. We did bro’s and made an embarrassing amount of money on it when it sold. Folks know this, and will beat each other up to get the burned house.

There’s good money in a burned house.

I looked into renting years ago, PnB. The real estate people discouraged me.

Plus, I’m tapping out my savings on fixing it up and moving. I’ll be unemployed over there, at least for a while. I could cover one or two months of mortgage payments, then I’d be screwed.

McGoo, one of the things the engineering company I work for is intimately involved in is arson investigation. If ANYTHING happened to this house, there’d be so many fingers pointing at me my ass would look like a wild turkey.

Hey, you want to know the #1 thing that used to trip up arsonists? Back in the days when there was leaded and unleaded gas, the leaded variety (you may recall) was much cheaper. And so, of course, that’s what people used to set fires with. Lead turned up on inspection, and there you were — busted.

Yep. I actually have a book somewhere in storage that is an Arson investigators textbook. Oh, man, you do not even want to think about it.

I used to like to think I was fairly sharp. I learned from that book one rule: I am not smarter than one of those arson investigators. If it was arson – they will detect it. Every time.

Sometimes its not worth the trouble to investigate it – like when the owner or person profiting from the arson is obviously not involved. The insurance folks won’t push it because they’ll have to pay out to the owner anyway. The fire dept won’t push it because – although they KNOW it was arson, prosecuting someone is a different game.

You know what I wonder? As the smoking rate has dropped drastically, has the housefire rate followed? They’d never volunteer that information, for fear of budget cuts to the fire departments.

And that’s why I’m a blogger and not a journalist: too bone lazy to try to find out.

[…] Updated update! Stoaty has a great, kinda disconcerting graphic. Not that should surprise anyone, of course. […]

[…] I found yesterday’s slap in McCain’s blind-rage-contorted face via Hucklebee’s overwhelming victory in the Kansas caucii pretty damned amusing, honestly. But this wiped the smirk off my ugly mug PDQ: I went to see Huckabee speak this morning at CPAC, and he told the crowd he’s in the race until the end. “I know the pundits, and I know what they say: The math doesn’t work out,” Huckabee said. “Well, I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in those, too.” […]