sweasel.com

The sickly weasel missed an entire dimension to this wonderful story.

The fact is that Mapp couldn’t possibly have seen the enemy invaders – she was shielded from the creepy deviants by the entire bulk of Badger House. Nor could she possibly have heard them as they squeaked up the drive in their nasty little plastic shoes. She was too far away.

So there we have it – Mapp chicken is not just a JW early warning chicken, she is a psychic JW early warning chicken!

I am currently bribing all four of the girls with HobNob biscuits http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HobNob and now have them pathetically and incurably addicted.

Like the Underpants Gnomes, I’m not quite sure what I shall do with them once my plan is fulfilled, but I have the Bond villain accent, according to Her Stoatliness, so I’m sure I will think of something…

We are open to offers, my attack chickens and I….

So never with the sympathy when I need it.

I certainly hope you weren’t expecting sympathy here, lady…

Now make with the blogging.

😉

Heh. Teh Internets is a harsh mistress.

Hey, UB – are they tough enough to take out the Muslim in Chief and his enablers? Because there might be a REAL market for that…

UB, you and Stoatie need to teach Mapp-Zilla to pelt intruders with Radioactive Eggs, and to call in Mothera and Rodan as needed as backup…… 😉

Stoatie – Ignore Mapp’s baleful looks and make with the Homemade Chicken Soup and Hot toddies.

It’s too bad we’re so far apart, because I make a chicken soup that cures everything from the sniffles to crotchrot to the Ebola virus in 1 dose….

Mark, darn you to heck, go report yourself for being naughty to attackwatch IMMEDIATELY!!!! 🙂

Those people need good stories to laugh about, and YOU’RE GOING TO HELP THEM!!!! LOL

Crotchrot? Gross.

Does the offending crotch have to steep in the pot?

Fortunately, badgers have a secret weapon even more powerful than chicken soup. It is a vile and malevolent curry of my own devising. No germ, virus or even-vague-hint-of-arseache-sometime-in-the-future can survive it.

Nor can some people…. Weasels, however, seem to be immune and eat it on toast!

I avert my gaze and pretend it isn’t happening.

There is even a ‘curry on toast’ song… but let’s not go into that 😉

the Church of England is a little snooty and high church for some…

Well, it varies, depending on whether the vicar is High or Low.

But surely you have a Chapel in the neighborhood? (That is, an independent evangelical Protestant church, usually Methodist.)

In rural England in the early 1900s, that was the great cultural divide – between those who attended the Church, and those who went to Chapel. Or so reading English mysteries from that era seems to indicate.

We have many of them… and exceedingly strange some of them are, too!

Maybe you should have let them present their “literature” to the chicken. I’m sure she could have made use of it.

I’ll see your curry and raise you a bowl of chili.

Just kidding. But I do have the recipe for Lyndon B. Johnson’s favorite bowl of red. The White House had one of the first microwaves in the country, and the story goes that the White House chefs, under orders from Lady Bird, kept cartons of chili in the freezer, ready for Lyndon’s wee-hour cravings. He would go down to the kitchen by himself, and heat up a serving in the microwave, and the kitchen staff would find his dirty dishes neatly stacked in the sink the next morning.

My son loves a vile and malevolent curry, so perhaps you’ll share your recipe with us some day.

Re: Mapp. I guess this means she will never see the stock pot 🙂

(Honestly, where are my manners.) I wanted to say that I hope the two of you will be back in fighting form very soon. Damn summer colds. Although an army of chickens hopped up on HobNobs sounds formidable, to be sure.

I can’t remember if Stoaty has ever mentioned her preference in potent potables, but a pitcher of hot toddies seems appropriate. As for me, it’s 90 degrees on my porch as the sun slides off, so I’m having a gin and tonic: To Your Health!

JWs? I’m trying to think of something .. nope ..

In London and major UK metropolitan areas, it is a little-known fact that a substantial fraction of the Jehovah’s Witness community are drawn from ultra-respectable Afro-Caribbeans i.e. the sort of people you want to be living near you, if not for the proselytising. Good people, if a tad single minded. Anyway, when I lived in Camberwell SE5 last year of my first (i.e. Bachelor’s) University degree, we had a Kingdom Hall just down the road. They would ring the bell at 7.15 on a Sunday morning. We were students. We were wasted and hungover. Finally, my flat-mate Tim has enough of this. He was 6′ 4″, bright orange biker hair, built like a brick shithouse. He grabs with a fork a sirloin that had been marinating on a saucer in the fridge over night, goes down to the front door and opens it stark bollock naked, to be confronted by a dear, respectable little 5′ 2″ black lady in a pinafore dress and sensible shoes, clutching a bundle of The Watchtower. “Fancy a piece?” says Tim in a louche fashion, steak and wang just blowing in the breeze. She screams, turns tail and scuttles out the gate. Never heard from ’em again.

Hope ya feeling better soon, Stoaty!

Uncle Badger, your curry sounds like the one my Dragon makes. A lovely green curry which is so hot one must add plain yogurt and eat with Naan bread in every bite, but so tasty one cannot refuse to eat it, in spite of the burn. Cures sinus trouble in a single bite, tho! 😉

As far as the JWs, in the USofA, if you act all thrilled to see them, inviting them in for tea and cookies, and in the midst of your happy babbling let slip that you’ve not had a chance to talk to your fellow JWs since you were excommunicated from the church…they will light out for the door so fast they may well leave scorch marks on your flooring, and never visit you again. Apparently being excommunicated from their church gives you effective JW-leprosy, and they will have nothing to do with you ever again.

Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Branch Davidians of the first half of the twentieth century! Because of them–and because of the popular reaction to a Supreme Court decision in a case brought on behalf of Jehovah’s Witnesses schoolchildren–Americans have the bedrock decision on free speech in public schools. Fascinating, really, how they have become a recognized, accepted, and unthreatening feature of current life.

Does anyone have any Nazis living next to them?

Can one train a chicken to raise the alarm at the
approach of a JW or Mormon? I feel certain that The Husband would agree to the keeping of chickens, if they served in a more offensive capacity. The dogs care not a whit what master a strange human serves, as long as they’re greeted with affection.

Now if we could cross-breed them (the chickens, not the dogs) with geese, we might be able to create a larger more threatening attack chicken. A chickoose?

BTW, love the glowy affect…oohhhh glow in the dark chickens!!!!!!! How frelling cool would THAT be? I wonder if it would scare off the predators or make them easier to find. Where does one find a mad genetic engineer when one needs one?

Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry
When Badger cooks up his famous curry
When Badger cooks up his famous curry for his Weasel wife …

Kiwi Bouncer Screws Mike Tindall!

Oh look at this rugby player Mike Tindall’s much-discussed night-out in Queenstown has emerged.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/rugby-world-cup/5638929/Tindalls-night-out-CCTV-footage-claim

I’ll be the Pollyanna of the group.

While not a JW, I do have a bit of respect for what they do. It can’t be easy to door-knock strangers, knowing full well what the majority of reactions will be.

Their religion teaches that, unless converted, mankind will be lost. They are going door-to-door throwing out what to them is a proverbial lifeline. Here, brother, grab this; you’re drowning.

I try to keep this in mind, especially when woken up on a Saturday morning. It helps keep the polite smile on my face as I tell them, “No thank you.”

Okay, I’m finished. *skips out the door, pigtails flying*

Comment from Oceania
Time: September 16, 2011, 5:20 am
Does anyone have any Nazis living next to them?

That rifle-shot-like sound (with the slightest hint of an accent) was a certain someone‘s neighbours raising their hands in unison.

I used to have a german shepherd who could tell if somebody was a JW.

He did not like them at all.

Oh, I see it that way, Becca. To them, it’s like everybody’s walking around riddled with cancer, and they’ve got the cure.

Although it might be better if the JWs just went through the streets shouting, “Bring outcher (spiritually) dead!”

Way better than door knocking.

😉

Actually, Becca, that tends to be more the Leftist way. And as a whole they are anything BUT Christian. Not a fan of JWs myself, but their proselytizing is aimed at convincing non-believers to convert, not ORDERING them to do so. The Leftist follow-up to “Bring out your dead!” is “That ain’t NEARLY enough! Kill some more for us, and bring them out as well. We’ll let you know you when you’ve done enough.”

Ahh that German Shepherd obvious had good taste! And where have all the Nazis gone? I think that there should be more main stream support for this minority!

It’s nine dead now. And Oceania, even though I shouldn’t bother with the vitriol, because it still arouses feelings in that stumpy little bit of scar tissue where you used to have a cock, but fuck you. Fuck you six ways from Sunday for even having the nerve to milk this for your idiocy.

I haven’t had any Jehova’s Witnesses calling for years. I’m always polite and listen to their stuff. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe if I treated them like shit they’d come round more often.

Gibby! Where you been at?

Hey, SWeas – the pub, of course! Where ELSE do you think that JWs are unlikely to go?

Gibby! Where you been at?

Just been working long hours. Most of what little interwebs time I get has been spent watching horse breeding videos on YouTube and trolling Minecraft players.

I see you’ve got some chikkins now. That’s cool.

Another JW-repellent scheme one of my militantly-atheist college buddies came up with was this: he learnt the Bible to the point he could, literally, recite chapter and verse. This is toxic – to Jesus freaks. It’s like having a politician being quoted excerpts of previous speeches. He was particularly fond of some of the more lurid bits of Leviticus (which is some seriously fucking weird shit: apparently if a woman who has the painters in sits on your sofa it becomes an instrument of the devil, or some such 4th C BC horseshit.) He;d pour them a cup of bleach and ask them to have drink (it was really a thoroughly rinsed bottle of Domestos.) He didn’t get many takers, They scuttledoff in a hurry.

“has the painters in?” Now, there’s an idiom I’d not heard before. I’m not quite sure what it says about my familiarity with esoteric Bible stuff, and the luridity (is that a word?) of my imagination, but yes, I did understand it. Took a couple of beats, though.

…apparently if a woman who has the painters in sits on your sofa it becomes an instrument of the devil…

So you’re saying that’s not true? I’ve wasted a fortune on sofas then. Great.