ROUND NINE: dropping like flies
Three short ones in a row, and steve nicks the dicks with John Wooden.
Okay, y’all know the drill:
1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity, though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of.
2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this thread and stake your claim. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.
3. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt it out this time, okay?
4. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. Popular picks go fast.
5. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.
6. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you don’t want the fabulous prize, I applaud your sophisticated taste and superior judgment. Packages go by slow boat, typically take eight to ten weeks and arrive looking sat upon.
7. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the previous honoree kicks the bucket.
The fabulous prize? Sweasel dot com’s unofficial sponsor, Aunty’s Spotted Dick, of course!
June 11, 2010 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 130
Field trip!
Uncle B had to go on a business trip to Essex today, so I came with. I’m not usually up in his business, but this job might require a little storyboarding or page layout or some shit. Whatever. Train ride!
Essex, Northeast of London and basically an industrial suburb of it, is famous for the “Essex Girl” (Q: What does an Essex Girl say after sex? A: “So, you all play for the same team, then?”). It was pretty Soviet and horrible.
It was the usual getting off at wrong stops and running for trains pulling out of the station and delays. But we got to ride one leg on the bullet train! I don’t know if it got up to the full 140mph, but it went pretty fucking fast!
Oh, and we had a stop at Stratford Station, where they were busy building the 2012 Olympic Village. It looked really crap!
Anyhow, I’m wiped. Want food! Want drink!
Remember, Dead Pool tomorrow, 6pm WBT. If you’ve been chiming in on the previous DP thread, you gots to show up tomorrow and pick for real on the official thread. M’kay?
June 10, 2010 — 10:02 pm
Comments: 25
Important chicken update
Umm…they’re fine.
Click the picture to be whisked away to YouTube for a short video verifying the complete fineness of my chickens.
June 9, 2010 — 7:57 pm
Comments: 35
President Urkel vows to kick SEVERAL KINDS of honky ass
Oh, who does this bozo think he’s kidding? Didn’t his mama tell him when you pretend to be something you’re not, you just look a fool?
Whose ass to kick. Pah!
It’s like, “Mister President, people think you’re disconnected, aloof and don’t really give a shit about them.”
Oh, very well then, “grrr! Grrr! Me so angry!”
June 8, 2010 — 1:09 pm
Comments: 19
Ding dong
Helen Thomas, nasty old leftist hag, retired today after inexcusably saying something she really meant: that Israelis should get the hell out of Palestine and “go home” to Germany and Poland.
I’m puzzled by those, particularly those on the right, who think this is just Crazy Aunt Helen being crazy and that firing her wouldn’t be necessary. Blurting out that Israelis should get out of Israel and go home is crazy auntie stuff, on a nuttiness level with “blacks should go home to Africa.”
Specifying they go back to Germany and Poland, where they were murdered in their millions, knocks it right off the nut-O-meter. It’s where “crazy auntie” meets “nursing home.” It’s “whisk you away with a butterfly net” time, right down there with old dudes who won’t stop playing with themselves in public.
And you’d better BELIEVE the left had to purge her fast, lest we wonder how many of them agree with her.
Anyway — goodbye, Helen, you hideous old leftist hobgoblin. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya — which, from the look of things, was your face.
June 7, 2010 — 5:29 pm
Comments: 28
Civilization versus Islam
You know that famous satellite shot of the Korean Peninsula, where South Korea is lit up like a Chlistmas Tree, and North Korea is pitch brack? The difference between communism and capitalism — oh, how we laughed!
Well, I Googled up a night shot of the Middle East, looking for the same dealio (the lines and the land masses don’t exactly match because one is a satellite photo — earth curvature and all — and the other is a map I superimposed). And there it is. There are pools of light around a few cities in the Middle East, but the only place lit up end to end, like a proper Western nation, is Israel.
Behold the difference between Islam and anyplace you might want to be.
What got me thinking was Doc Zero’s excellent piece today on anti-Civilization. Read it; it’s good. His conclusion is something I have been thinking for a while.
I used to believe if Iran or somebody lobbed a nuke at Israel, then the lefties would be sorry. I don’t think that any more. I bet the reaction would be something more like, “oh, it’s horrible — horrible! What a tragedy. But, really — putting a Jewish nation there was never going to work, was it? And I hate to speak ill of the dead, what with the smoke still rising out of Tel Aviv Crater, but the way Israel behaved. I wouldn’t dare say they brought it on themselves, but…”
Makes me feel sick.
Remember, Dead Pool tomorrow. When the timestamp on this blog says 6pm, which is GMT I think, but if I screw that up again, steve will probably come to my house and beat me to death with my own spotted dick.
June 3, 2010 — 10:14 pm
Comments: 29
Welcome to the internet! First visit?
Someone wrote and asked me for a unicorn-shitting-skittles graphic (yeah, pretty sure opportunities like that are why my folks sent me to art school). I didn’t have time to build one from scratch but, as it happens, I have a unicorn-farting-rainbows graphic in the works for a t-shirt, so I just threw in some Skittles. (If you yearn to know how that looks in color, yearn no more).
First, though, I had to do a Google Images search for Skittles, since I wasn’t entirely sure what the hell they look like, other than real small specks of color raining down on the upturned faces of stoned children on TV (are there really no blue Skittles? What, were they afraid people would use them to mend spinal cord injuries?).
Anyhow, that image search is how I found this heartwarming story of life with the new media: about a year ago, Skittles decided it wanted itself a piece of that viral marketing, social networking thing all the cool kids were talking about. So they launched a web page that would essentially be a live Twitter feed. Every time somebody mentioned #skittles, the page updated.
Yes. They really did that.
With a straight face.
Never heard the scary there’s an escaped lunatic undead shark in the basement AND IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE music playing in the background.
Soooo…how long do you think it was before somebody tweeted “On the skittles thing? Bollocks arse fuck soapy titwank cunt wankstain piss frenulum shit twat motherfucker toss Rick Astley…”
And from the sound of that inspirational outpouring of cusswords, it was tweeted by a Brit. I’m so proud.
June 2, 2010 — 10:43 pm
Comments: 28
Good news, ladies!
Have you seen him lately? Al Gore looks like shit. Pale and pasty with little red eyes. He’s aged ten years in the last two, godnose why.
I’ve missed the mark here. He looks like captain of the football team — too beefy.
I was aiming for more of an Uncle Joan kind of thing.
I’ve never heard the slightest suggestion of anything…untoward about Al, but something about him has always given me the creeps. The sexual creeps. He’s got a real ‘aging drag queen’ vibe.
Maybe it’s the non-existent eyebrows. Or the flared nostrils. Or the little cupid’s bow of a mouth.
It’s something.
Oh, well. With any luck, Tipper will write a tell-all and I’ll find out.
June 1, 2010 — 10:03 pm
Comments: 25
Clown stole my pillow…
Tail end of the long weekend, and I’m unutterably depressed by the totally predictable international response to the whole phony evil-jews-club-adorable-baby-seals-on-the-high-sea thing. That’s my cue to witter on pointlessly for a while.
As I was skimming just under the surface of consciousness thing this morning, I dreamed a clown leaned in the bedroom door and stole my pillow.
Brrrrr. Not a nice wake-up call. Forget out-and-out coulrophobia — is there anybody on the planet who thinks clowns are the least little microscopic bit funny?
And if the answer is yes, and it’s you — can you try to explain it to me? Because I’m totally not getting it.
Huge shoes, monstrous facial features, golf pants and smacking each other around with giant hammers. Nope. Not getting it.
Also, jack-in-the-boxes. Did you have one? Did it make you laugh? Because mine scared the shit out of me when I was little.
Granted, I have an exaggerated startle response. Or, as my mother put it, I’m real goosey. But knowing when the thing was going to pop out of the deal wasn’t any help at all, I was still like, “aiiiii! The clown, it taunts me!”
I guess a touch of Pop-Goes-the-Weaselphobia is to be expected.
May 31, 2010 — 11:02 pm
Comments: 25
ROUND SEVEN: die faster, the dicks are going out of date!
EZnSF takes the dicks with Art Linkletter, who made it to a respectable 97, 74 of them married to the same woman.
Onwards and deadwards!
1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity, though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of.
2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, you have to turn up and pick again. Poaching and other underhanded maneuvers positively encouraged. It’s like rollerderby, without the helmets.
3. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt it out this time, okay?
4. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. Popular picks go fast.
5. The pool is open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Newbies, strangers and drive-bys welcome.
6. If you want the fabulous prize, you have to trust me with a mailing address. If you don’t want the fabulous prize, I applaud your sophisticated taste and superior temperament. Packages go by slow boat, typically take eight to ten weeks and arrive looking like botulism pudding.
7. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm GMT the Friday after the honoree kicks the bucket.
Eyes on the prize, people. Eyes on the prize:
TIME! in the shortest Dead Pool EVARR — at two hours and forty-two minutes — Tawny has won it with Gary Coleman. I’m going to allow it to stand (you know what you have to do if you want the dicks, Tawny). We’ll fire up a brand new Dead Pool next Friday, though feel free to mill about, chat and wish people dead on this thread.
May 28, 2010 — 5:00 pm
Comments: 100