Wiener
Because I can. Because there is no “why” in art. Because I got nothin’ again today.
My baloney has a first name…
October 7, 2009 — 5:37 pm
Comments: 30
You know, that title could be taken another way
We visited friends in Alfriston Sunday, and they were like, “there’s a free screening of the Age of Stupid here today. You should go!” And we’re, like, “oh! Ummm…ha. Yeah. Ah. Mmmm. Heh heh heh.”
Have you heard of this turkey? It’s an indy film about an archivist from 2055 who looks back at footage of our time and wonders, “ZOMG, why didn’t they listen to the hippies about globular warmening????” It’s got all the important scientific issues: Iraq, Nigeria, wind farms, hurricane Katrina. McDonald’s and Wal*Mart (probably. Just guessing here).
It’s less charty and graphy than An Inconvenient Truth; it’s more an attempt to put a human face on pants-peeing alarmism. As one user on IMDB put it, “it’s possible that even Sarah Palin herself could not fail to be affected by the story of Fernand Pareau, an octogenarian French mountain guide, showing us the glacier he loves as it withers away before his eyes.”
Whoof. Excuse me. Just step around that for now and I’ll clean it up in a sec.
The film premiered in New York on September 21 and all the world’s most prominent scientists were there: Kofi Annan, Gillian Anderson. Moby. That freaky-looking dude from Radiohead.
Anyhoo, in case this embarrassing invitation crops up again, I’ve pre-jiggered five reasons I can’t go see your stupid global warmening movie:
1 My mom was so terrified by The Population Bomb, she had an abortion rather than let me be one of the hundreds of millions who starved in the 1970s.
2 In 1983, I went out into the new Ice Age, licked a flagpole and I’ve been stuck to it ever since. Please come get me; I’m cold and lonely.
3 I ate a delicious t-bone steak in a restaurant London in 1998 and was one of the 100,000 to die horribly of Mad Cow disease.
4 Dude! Are you kidding? The grid hasn’t worked around here since the Y2K disaster. I’ve spent the last nine years living in a yurt eating treebark sammiches.
5 I gots de swine flu. Okay, strike that one. The flu pandemic still has time to be an actual catastrophe, for reals this time.
In case I’m being too fucking subtle here the professional catastrophe-mongers are always wrong. Bad scientists and conmen have been trying to sell the apocalypse to a weary public over and over again since…since science overtook Jesus as the main faith of the West.
Man-made global warmening is just the most recent. They’ve gotten clever with this con, though — the deadline is far, far in the future. We must act RIGHT NOW…but we’ll never know for sure how much they’ve played us for chumps. We won’t live that long.
October 5, 2009 — 3:33 pm
Comments: 51
It’s crashing. It’s crashing terrible. Oh, the huge vanity…!
I. CAN. NOT. BE-LIEVE that our greenhorn president really, genuinely went to Copenhagen to lobby for Chicago to get the Olympics. Like others, I assumed he had it in the bag before flying out to accept the honor (which was tacky enough, but just inside the bounds). To prostrate THE OFFICE OF MY COUNTRY’S PRESIDENT before the international gang of midget wrestlers that is the Olympic Committee, and to do it ON SPEC?! AND FAIL?!
Oh, I am sorely vexed. I’m not sure the heady pleasure of watching him crash and burn can make up for the hot ouchy of the international humiliation. Can somebody fax this bozo a copy of the job description, please?
There ought to be some kind of Internet Snark Award for the wag at Drudge who came up with the headline The Ego Has Landed.
EDIT: changed ‘humanity’ to ‘huge vanity.’ Thenk yew, lauraw.
October 2, 2009 — 2:03 pm
Comments: 41
Dan Rather listens earnestly to a banana
I’ll be honest: I don’t have any insights into Dan Rather’s lawsuit against CBS and the tossing thereof. I just wanted to draw Dan Rather with a banana clamped to his head.
I hate Dan Rather.
Hate him like Gloria Swanson hated the talkies. Always have done. There’s something humorless and plodding and mean about him. And phony. Phony as Dolly Parton’s left tit in Madame Tussaud’s parlor. Steyn said, in one of his I-wish-I’d-said-that columns,
Dan’s been play-acting at being a reporter for so many years now — the suspenders, the loosened tie, and all the other stuff that would look great if he were auditioning for a cheesy dinner-theater revival of ”The Front Page”; the over-the-top intros: ”Bob Schieffer, one of the best hard-nosed reporters in the business, has been working his sources. What have you managed to uncover for us, Bob?”, after which Bob reads out a DNC press release.
Wikipedia absurdly says of 60 Minutes, “the show pioneered many of the most important investigative journalism techniques, including re-editing interviews, hidden cameras, and ‘gotcha’ visits to the home or office of an investigative subject.”
Dude. Slash-and-burn editing and ambushing a company director before he’s had his first cup of coffee is not journalism, it’s dumb hack theater. 60 Minutes so outraged my infant sense of fair play, it pushed me down the first flight of steps from apolitical to proud poo-flinging ‘winger basement monkey.
If I had to nail the moment civility went out of modern political discourse, I’d nail it smack in the middle of Dan Rather’s massive forehead.
Rumor has it Dan put up $5mil of his own money to float this suit. Let’s hope he feels every dollar of it. Like flossing a dog’s butt with razor wire. Like shoving butter up a cat’s ass with a hot awl.
Aiiiiii…please make me stop!
September 30, 2009 — 6:06 pm
Comments: 52
Obama casserole…
So we were watching the late TV news roundup last night — Obama at the UN, I think it was — and Uncle B suddenly says, “did you see what he just did there?”
I didn’t, but they helpfully replayed the clip: there was a toast, Obama conspicuously raised his glass all around, and then quickly palmed it without taking even a sip. Just whipped it behind his back and disappeared it. Most odd.
So I went and did a Google images search, and all of the pictures I could find of Obama with a glass of hooch, he’s either holding up a full one, or making a weird smoochie face in the glass like in this picture. You gotta open your mouth to drink a beverage, sport.
Sadly, I don’t think I can spin it into a good teetotal-Obama-is-a-secret-Muslim yarn. I suspect he probably does actually touch the stuff occasionally (Politico says he does). It was just…a conspicuously weird thing to do for a toast.
Personally, I’m more bothered by the sinister take-over of American politics. Obama means half the American presidents since WWII have been left handed. Boo!
Oh, and I’m delighted to see the theory that Bill Ayers actually wrote Obama’s Dreams from my Father has gotten reinforcement. Even if it is from a less-than-unimpeachable quarter.
Once more, for laughs, one of only two pieces of literature known for sure to be written by Obama himself:
Under water grottos, caverns
Filled with apes
That eat figs.
Stepping on the figs
That the apes
Eat, they crunch.
The apes howl, bare
Their fangs, dance,
Tumble in the
Rushing water,
Musty, wet pelts
Glistening in the blue.
Yeah, I probably wrote pomes that sucked that hard. When I was twelve. When I was 19? Not so much.
September 24, 2009 — 7:00 pm
Comments: 23
Back up — here it comes!
Looks like ACORN is going to sue Breitbart and the video kidz under the Maryland law that requires consent of both parties to recording. Save this precious idea for the Museum of Dumb Moves.
I’m sure none of the defendants will have any problem making lawyer money (or even damages, since they are clearly guilty under the oddball Maryland law), and this will blast the thing into the legacy media. For a long, long time. Until perhaps the Obamacorn might be forced to comment.
Thank you, O lord, for the sheer boneheaded dumbassery of our enemies.
September 23, 2009 — 7:02 pm
Comments: 26
By popular demand…
I was going to add a snappy headline in Klingon but, sumofabitch, I don’t know any. Some geek I turn out to be.
And no, I don’t feel a bit guilty making fun of M’chelle.
We Righties were absolutely savagely insulting to Hillary Clinton in the most personal way. Her hair. Her cankles. Good ol’ Crusty the Pantsuit. She mostly deserved it, injecting her bad self and her bad politics into the presidency way over what a First Broad ought. You choose a life of celebrity politics, you hang the Kick Me sign on your back with your own hand.
(But, you know, I developed a sneaking admiration for her by the time it was all over. Baracky the Wonder Dog swooped in at the last minute and STOLE the prize she has worked and suffered and schemed for her whole damn life. And she stood there and took it. Took it like a man).
Yeah, I know. We flinch when it comes to the Obamas. It’s like nobody can imagine how to make fun of people who happen to be black without descending into the toxic racist iconography of last century.
Well, I can imagine such a thing. I can imagine a zillion heartwarming, magical ways to make fun of these people without going there.
At least, I’m pretty sure I can think up enough mockery to last us four years. Please god I don’t has to do it for eight.
Come on. You want it in big, beautiful color. You know you do.
September 21, 2009 — 7:39 pm
Comments: 41
Ah. Michelle dressed all by herself today, I see.
And so ends the week on a cheap shot. That I pinched from Drudge.
Honestly, I’d feel bad making fun of Michelle’s fashion sense (I’m no runway model, myself) if they weren’t forever putting her on the cover of Vogue and calling her the beautifullest, elegantest first lady since Jackie O.
You push; I push back.
What’s that around her middle, anyhow? A hose clamp?
Good weekend, everyone!
September 18, 2009 — 7:48 pm
Comments: 51
Cracked…
Well, well. Looks like ACORN is well on the way to getting itself defunded after a series of embarrassing hidden camera revelations. I know you know this. I have to give all the background in the first graph, otherwise I come back in a year or two and think what the holy poo was I talking about? This stuff fades fast.
Now, ACORN is chock full of villains and bad actors, all of them up to their nipples in duff mortgages and voter fraud. So, you know, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. But I confess having just…just a little teeny tiny touch of sympathy with them over the actual sting.
I flipping hate hidden camera stuff. And that thing Dan Rather used to do on 60 Minutes, where he’d run across the employee parking lot at seven in the morning, shove a microphone in some dude’s face and scream, “do you eat babies?!” And that confused, hasn’t-had-his-coffee-yet moment you can see the man thinking, “Wait! Aw, shit! Do I?”
Fluffy baby bunnies look shifty on shaky-cam.
And the people who work in urban help centers are not fluffy baby bunnies. Pretty much nobody but down-and-outs really want to spend their days working with down-and-outs. Just the way it is.
I know, I know. They thought they were helping set up a child sex ring.
Maybe. I’m not sure.
If I’m a grizzled inner-city aid worker, and these two skinny goofy-ass middle-class white kids come in asking for help getting a start in organized crime…I am SO TOTALLY going to play along and screw with their heads.
Or is it just me?
September 17, 2009 — 6:17 pm
Comments: 37
Wait…we voted for whut??
The squishy middle elected Obama, because the squishy middle elects all our presidents (us partisans on the outer banks, we just decide how big or small the margin is).
The squishy middle is watching that nice young man they voted for morph into a crabby old party pooper.
Oh, this is fun…
September 16, 2009 — 7:54 pm
Comments: 12