sweasel.com

FIRST!

And I’m sure the Brits wouldn’t be waving their winkies about. That wouldn’t be proper.

When I see a naked man in a clothed situation, I expect him to be snapping a towel, waving his winky about and bellowing “WAAAAUUUUGH!” or “woowoo!”

Well, of course! That’s why they don’t put such doings on the covers of these fantastic books.

She Does the Dishes

a novel by Fanny Quim

The long shadows were busy shortening on the lawn, & she brushed her untidy mop of hair, brown like the vinyl on a 1963 Pontiac Bonneville, out of her eyes with her stringy & pockmarked forearm. Bits of green beans, & a trace of condensed cream of mushroom soup slowly swirled as the sweat dripped from her tired face into the dishwater. Three more Corningware plates, a gift from her grammy at the baby shower that doubled as her 14th birthday party, & then on to the Alf tumblers, bought at Burger King before she was born. So many dishes to wash!

“Gol dang it, you fucker!” she drained to sink without finishing the cleaning, and stomped into the living room. “Turn that shit off, yer always playin that stupid Ex Bawks and you don’t even live here! I oughta have Teddy kick yer ass, you stupid faggot!”

The limp, blonde slug on the couch looked up and croaked, “I gotta get this power up and win the game.”

If Brianna starts throwing dirty dishes at Caleb, turn to page 40
If she wakes her boyfriend Teddy up to kick Caleb’s fuckin ass, turn to page 8
If she just goes on and on like the dumb noisy bitch she is, turn to page 3

page 8

From deep within the warm, sweaty bosom of Gianna Michaels, Theodore Phillip Darren Wyncroft heard the keening cry of rage. It reminded him of someone he knew long ago, in the time before he became the famous jet-boat racer and pornographic movie star under the alias of Ram Thunderdick. The bosom quivered around him a bit, and from nowhere at all a mighty hammerstroke crashed into his groin.

Teddy awoke, screeching in pain & thrashing like a dying chipmunk among the Bud Lite cans on the dirty mattress.

“Get up and kick your faggot buddy’s ass, you useless bag of shit!” Brianna was certainly up early, from the sound of things.

If Teddy calls Brianna a god-damned whore, turn to page 35.
If he lies there moaning for a bit, turn to page 12.
If he calls her a fucking cunt, turn to page 160.

I refuse to believe anything else about Unk, Stoaty!

I have not just told you something you didn’t know about Uncle B.

Maybe not, but you have revealed something I always suspected about S. Weasel.

I’ll tell you what I noticed: compare the men’s necks.

The neck on the fantasy man is obvviously anatomically impossible, or close to it.

The neck on the fantasy man is obvviously anatomically impossible, or close to it.

Ladies just love it when ostrich-necked bros rub one out on their bongos.

Stark,

You’ve outed yourself! Danielle Steele is your nom de plume isn’t it!!!! Deny it if you dare!1111Eleventy!!!!!!

Can I get your autograph for a friend? Make it out to Boopsie Kracka-Faquetuerie

Ah, the famed “one hander”…

Remember when Stephen King’s Misery came out with one of those covers? One of my co-worker worked herself into a tizzy with that!

uncle b …. is that you?

Well, there’s a trick to writing these books: they are meant to put the reader in the place of the woman. Having ripped naked men passionately lusting for you probably appeals to a lot of ladies out there.

Man on the left is… ah, er… procreating with her… ah, shite… mammalian protuberances.

Man on the right _looks_ like a mammalian protuberance.

Bob The skull approves of this post.

Scubafreak, I’ve often thought Harry should fuck with Bob and put fan-fic w/these types of covers on his shelf.

Well as of the last book he’s not in ownership of Bob any longer, so…