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They really pulled out none of the stops

I was really, really looking forward to the Obama movie. The man who gave us fainting fans and styrofoam Greek columns was bound to cook up a seventeen-minute cheez-o-rama guaranteed to yield delicious blog ammo for a week.

Oh.

Huh.

Did you watch that thing? I watched it live. I just watched it again. I still have no idea WTF. It’s the weirdest propaganda effort I’ve ever seen.

No stirring music, a sad little guitar playing chords. Some violins. And then Hanks just tells us what happened the last three years, in case we missed it. There was a terrible financial crisis, they passed a bill. Lots of people didn’t have health insurance. They passed a bill. Boy, that vote was close. The GM bailout. Then there was Osama. Tough call. And those two chicks on the Supreme Court. Things are getting better. The end.

How bad was it? Watching it didn’t make me angry.

It didn’t gel. It ain’t aspic. There was no sense that Obama did awesome things that kept the situation from being worse. It’s like he could have traded places with anyone else around the table and things would’ve turned out pretty much the same.

If you thought the last three years was a double-decker awesome burger with extra awesome sauce, then that might be an effective campaign spot. How many people is that, then?

Please…somebody else watch it and tell me I’m not crazy.

Oh, and for anyone much younger than me, much older than me or foreign, this is where the illustration comes from. Warning: famous earworm. Though it’s not as bad as this one from the same people.

Good weekend, folks!

sock it to me

March 16, 2012 — 11:29 pm
Comments: 36

Hel-lo, President Sarcastic Jerk

New tone, indeed. I wonder how many in the muddled middle voted for this guy because he seemed nice enough and harmless, and I wonder how they’ll feel about the sarcastic jerk he’s morphed into.

Speaking of the Republican field (hence, in other words, a minimum of 30% of Americans) on the topic of alternative energy:

“If some of these folks were around when Columbus set sail…They must have been founding members of the Flat Earth Society. They would not have believed that the Earth was round,” the president joked to a laughing crowd.

Three peeves in quick succession, President Smartass. The Flat Earth Society was founded in the 19th Century. Educated people had accepted the proper size shape of the Earth since Eratosthenes measured the damn thing several hundred years BC.

And my own personal favorite: the Earth is not fucking round. A Frisbee is round. The Earth is fucking spherical, okay?

Sheesh.

Remember – tonight sees the release of The Road We’ve Traveled, the seventeen minute cinematic Obamian rump smooch. Oh, I am so looking forward to this steaming pile of hagiography.

sock it to me

March 15, 2012 — 11:15 pm
Comments: 25

Nnnng. NNNNNG.

So this thing is in the news today. A bunch of veterans saw it flying over the Lake County Democratic Party headquarters and lost their nut. The party chairwoman took it down, but couldn’t for the life of her think of any reason why anyone would object (except maybe racism).

Sigh. They just don’t teach kids the Flag Code no more.

Anyway, I was digging around, and I found our friend Wyatt Earp at Support Your Local Gunfighter ran across this thing in 2009. On eBay. So it was made in the heady early days of His Glorious Maj King O’s golden reign, when all was puppies pooping unicorns.

So I wanna know WHAT’S WITH THE LOOK ON HIS FACE? Ahahahahaha!

Oh, my lord! It’s an I-just-stepped-in-dogshit face. It should be accompanied with the sound effect wah-wah-wah-WAAAAAHHHHHH. He looks like he’s desperately suppressing a kielbasa belch.

The only thing I can think is, the designer was looking for a pic as close as possible to the Che face. Which it kind of is, except it look like a cranky Obama’s about to shout, “oh, piffle!”

sock it to me

March 14, 2012 — 10:24 pm
Comments: 26

Gooble-gabble, gooble-gabble. One of us, one of us.

Hey, remember Daniel Knauf? He’s the Hollywood writer/producer who reacted to the death of Andrew Breitbart with a spectacular fuck-you-leftards I-am-Breitbart Twitter meltdownapaloozala last week. It was neat-o.

Well, he’s got this idea for a movie format. He calls it a box narrative. He’s written a complete script and hired actors and filmed the whole thing. In a house. Full of cameras.

And you — you internet-addicted short-attention-span ADD chipmunk, you — you can watch the story any way you like, by hopping around from camera to camera.

I don’t know if you can pause and rewind, or what. They haven’t released the thing yet and I’m hazy on details.

The first one is a horror movie about a paranormal investigation that goes horribly wrong. It’s by invitation only. Only the first 5,000 people to sign up can watch (at first, anyway). But they won’t release it until 5,000 people have signed up.

I’m in. Join me?

Be a part of…well, I won’t say history. These experimental narrative thingies never work, but heaven help me I love ’em anyway.

And we want Mr Knauf to feel the love, don’t we?

sock it to me

March 13, 2012 — 11:02 pm
Comments: 31

Yay! I get to use this graphic again!

Ah, I thought I’d never get to run with this illo again.

Arlen Specter. ‘Member him? Defected from the Republican Party in time to be the 60th yea vote on Obamacare.

Duplicitous rat bastard has a new book out, was shocked that the Democrats reneged on all the goodies they promised. Wouldn’t campaign for him. Didn’t let him keep his seniority (and hence snag a plum chairmanship).

Specter believes Reid acted with “duplicity” while managing the party switch. Specter said Reid promised him that he would be recognized on the seniority list as a Democrat elected in 1980, but failed to deliver on it.

Had Specter been given the seniority he was promised, he would have become chairman of the powerful Labor, Health and Human Services Appropriations subcommittee and next in line to chair the Judiciary Committee.

Instead, Reid stripped Specter of all his seniority by passing a short resolution by unanimous consent in a nearly-empty chamber, burying him at the bottom of the Democrats’ seniority list.

Specter found out about it after his press secretary emailed him a press account of the switch. Specter was floored that Reid had “violated a fundamental Senate practice to give personal notice to a senator directly affected by the substance of a unanimous consent agreement.”

The fairytale ending? Specter didn’t even make it through the primary next go-round, when Democrats decided they’d rather vote for an actual Democrat, thanks very much.

Ye gods, our lords and masters are stupid people.

sock it to me

March 12, 2012 — 10:17 pm
Comments: 33

Dog’s breakfast

The artwork isn’t mine. It’s one of the first page links on an image search of “dog’s breakfast.” Tineye turned up too many versions to attribute it properly.

Anyhoo — bit of a random link roundup for week’s end. I don’t remember where any of this came from; it’s just some tabs currently open on my browser.

You know that thing about how there are more people alive today than have ever lived? Nope. Not even close. Also, per the BBC’s handy calculator, I am the 3,029,753,026th living person born on this earth and the 76,672,989,525th ever to have lived.

I feel special.

In the Summer of 1896, railroad employee William George Crush decided to boost the fortunes of the sagging Missouri, Kansas & Texas Railway Company by staging a head-on collision between two of the company’s obsolete trains. For spectators. Like a monster truck rally. It didn’t work out so great, but then it didn’t work out as badly as it could have, either. Also, Scott Joplin wrote a song for the occasion.

No, it is not called sunday-SUNDAY-SUNDAY!

Speaking of train wrecks, Dr Seuss tried his hand at an adult book. Seldom in the field of artistic endeavor has nudity been less salacious.

And speaking of art, this guy put an ant colony in his scanner and scanned it once a week for five years. I’m a sucker for time lapse.

Oh! Reader Can’t hark my cry alerted me to this one: Lizzie Borden’s lawyer’s diary has been donated to the Fall River Historical Society. Sounds interesting if not completely revelatory. They’ll put it online eventually.

Finally, in a related matter, murdrum was a fine levied on the local Saxon population when a Norman was murdered by persons unknown. The distinction was between murder, which is done in secret, and homicide, which I guess you did in front of your mom and everybody. Do you know, there’s still more than a touch of the Saxon/Norman divide in England? The invader didn’t interbreed with the invaded much.

There, that should keep the bastards busy for a while. Good weekend, folks!

sock it to me

March 9, 2012 — 10:58 pm
Comments: 15

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAHAHAHA…!

You thought yesterday’s film was dumb? Have you watched Derrick Bell’s movie, Cosmic Slop – Space Traders? Ohhhh, my sweet Aunt Fanny!

Here’s why Derek Bell is in the news today (hello, posterity!). Two things to remember: he was a Harvard Law professor who believed America was so utterly, foundationally racist that it could not be saved. And he wrote the sci-fi short story that HBO made into a cheezball movie, linked above.

Okay, so here’s the premise: dozens of alien ships appear on earth, hover over Plymouth Rock and offer a deal. An alien presence that’s the spitting image of Ronnie Reagan offers to give America — and I quote — “nearly unlimited quantities of gold and precious metals that will erase your deficit; machines that will renew your rivers and your air; cold fusion technology for a safe, cheap and inexhaustible source of energy.”

The catch — we have to give them all our black people. Don’t know what they want them for, they just want them.

Long story short, white people are so utterly, irredeemably racist, we take them up on it.

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING ME?!?

Unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of our natural resources?

You know what would be racist? If the aliens showed up and offered to take all the black people off our hands for free. Or for a small fee. And we took that deal. THAT would be racist of us.

But unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of our natural resources? Shee-it. That’s some kind of offer.

Forget race. Race doesn’t come into it. If they wanted everybody from upstate New York in return for that, we’d have to think about it. If they wanted all our left-handed people. If they wanted the whole Libertarian Party, or stamp collectors, or people who bowl or watch romantic comedies. We’d at least have to ask if they’d mind, given the stakes.

Hell, if aliens demanded a demographic that included me, I’d seriously have to think about it. Unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of the country’s natural resources is a pretty sweet legacy to leave behind. I think — I hope — I’d be willing to sacrifice myself voluntarily to leave y’all all of that.

You’re welcome.

Promise to hold a hell of a party in my honor though. Plus, a statue would be nice.

sock it to me

March 8, 2012 — 11:48 pm
Comments: 43

No. No, I don’t see any problem


 

Okay, so there’s this skinny white woman dressed all in yellow — even her little sneakers are yellow — walking alone through an abandoned warehouse.

All of a sudden — kee-YIII — out hops this Oriental dude doing all these Kung Fu moves. Okay?

Okay, then this Asian-looking guy with the beard and the turban and the robes and the the curved sword comes in. Only he’s barefoot and he’s levitating. And he’s all waving the sword and zooming around six inches off the floor.

–when this big, scary black guy with dreads busts the door down and starts doing all this kickboxing shit.

So the yellow lady does this yoga breathing thing and splits into twelve yellow ladies, who sit down in the lotus position. This makes the scary men disappear, and the yellow ladies turn into the yellow stars on the EU flag.

THE END.

Ummmm…yeah. The EU really made that movie. And were shocked that people thought it was racist. And sexist. And generally gob-smackingly idiotic.

It’s like that nice Mr bin Laden used to say: when you have a weak horse and a strong horse, they both come together to laugh at the retarded horse.
 

 

 

sock it to me

March 7, 2012 — 6:11 pm
Comments: 41

I made something for the Presnit

…but I think he’s going to need a new one after today’s press conference

sock it to me

March 6, 2012 — 11:08 pm
Comments: 11

Just throw the damn hammer, wingers!

I don’t BELIEVE this week — this week of ALL weeks, when we’re eulogizing gleeful bomb-tosser Andrew Breitbart — there are commenters on the Right who found it necessary to scold Rush Limbaugh for using the word “slut.” (And no, I’m not happy he apologized).

Let’s review some basics, shall we?

■ If your name is not Rush Limbaugh, you are not responsible for anything Rush Limbaugh says. You do not ever have to apologize for things other people do. Even people on “your side.” That’s Individualism 101.

■ “Slut” is not a shocking word. You can say it on TV. Chaucer used it, for god’s sake. Your mom probably read it in her Advanced Placement English course. It’s a deadly insult (to most) but it is not a shocking profanity.

■ A year ago, the feminist Left embraced the word “slut” all around the world and carried banners proclaiming themselves sluts…and now hearing the word gives them the vapors? Pff!

■ A distraction? Really? So if Rush hadn’t said “slut” we’d have spent the last week talking about taxes or gas prices or all the other stuff we want to talk about and they don’t?

No. HELL no. They’d have found something else to knock us off message. Anything at all will do. Members of the media and the institutional Left leap out of bed every morning screaming, “WE AM RUBBER, TEABAGGERS AM GLUE! RAAAAARRRRRR!”

Stop apologizing, Righties, and THROW THE FUCKING HAMMER!

sock it to me

March 5, 2012 — 11:42 pm
Comments: 50