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You thought yesterday’s film was dumb? Have you watched Derrick Bell’s movie, Cosmic Slop – Space Traders? Ohhhh, my sweet Aunt Fanny!

Here’s why Derek Bell is in the news today (hello, posterity!). Two things to remember: he was a Harvard Law professor who believed America was so utterly, foundationally racist that it could not be saved. And he wrote the sci-fi short story that HBO made into a cheezball movie, linked above.

Okay, so here’s the premise: dozens of alien ships appear on earth, hover over Plymouth Rock and offer a deal. An alien presence that’s the spitting image of Ronnie Reagan offers to give America — and I quote — “nearly unlimited quantities of gold and precious metals that will erase your deficit; machines that will renew your rivers and your air; cold fusion technology for a safe, cheap and inexhaustible source of energy.”

The catch — we have to give them all our black people. Don’t know what they want them for, they just want them.

Long story short, white people are so utterly, irredeemably racist, we take them up on it.


Unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of our natural resources?

You know what would be racist? If the aliens showed up and offered to take all the black people off our hands for free. Or for a small fee. And we took that deal. THAT would be racist of us.

But unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of our natural resources? Shee-it. That’s some kind of offer.

Forget race. Race doesn’t come into it. If they wanted everybody from upstate New York in return for that, we’d have to think about it. If they wanted all our left-handed people. If they wanted the whole Libertarian Party, or stamp collectors, or people who bowl or watch romantic comedies. We’d at least have to ask if they’d mind, given the stakes.

Hell, if aliens demanded a demographic that included me, I’d seriously have to think about it. Unlimited wealth, unlimited energy and a complete renewal of the country’s natural resources is a pretty sweet legacy to leave behind. I think — I hope — I’d be willing to sacrifice myself voluntarily to leave y’all all of that.

You’re welcome.

Promise to hold a hell of a party in my honor though. Plus, a statue would be nice.

March 8, 2012 — 11:48 pm
Comments: 43