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One last time, with feeling

You’ll have to excuse me for tonight, folks. This fascinating pile of wombat shit is the makings of my third and final visa application, form SET(M). AKA the Indefinite Leave to Remain.

It wasn’t actually due for another couple of weeks, but the civil service has scheduled a strike for June 30, which includes the UK Border Agency. Judging by past strikes, the UKBA won’t cut me any slack if my visa runs out while they’re on strike. Because everyone knows there’s a strike and should plan around it. Also because fuck you, American Weasel.

Thing I do not want to be when I grow up: illegal alien.

So here I am filling out forms and writing a check for Β£972 (that’s $1,555.20 in people money). Actually, poor old Uncle B had to write the check as I can’t move that much moola that fast.

In theory — assuming I haven’t filled out something in blue ink instead of black — this is it for me. When this comes back, I’m done. Finito. Fully paid up.

But when I’m eligible for citizenship in November, I’m going to go for it. What the hell — my people are from just up the road, originally, until my umpty great grandfather got a hankering to trade in tobacco. Or became a Quaker. Or poached a deer. We’re unclear on the point.

And if I take the oath I can vote.

Also commit felonies and not get deported.


Comment from Armybrat
Time: June 22, 2011, 10:31 pm

I’m flying into Heathrow on 30 June and these bastards are really going to piss me off if they mess up my vacation. Hell hath no fury like a hard working American girl whose vacation is fubared.

Comment from Mitchell
Time: June 22, 2011, 11:04 pm

Good luck Stoaty! Oh, and when you get the citizenship thing do you go on welfare immediately or do you have to apply for it? πŸ˜‰

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 22, 2011, 11:19 pm

No, you should be okay, Armybrat. The people who screen you at Heathrow are UKBA, but they don’t let that side go. If necessary, they’ll bring in the police or the military to man the entry points.

They aren’t about to let the civil service fuck up the tourist trade OR leave the doors open.

I’d meet you at Heathrow, but it’s a long way from where we are.

Comment from A Scouser-Geordie Mix
Time: June 23, 2011, 12:03 am

Congratulations on the pending downgrade, Madame Stoat.
Paying more to get less is not that uncommon in these uncertain times. Compared with the VAT it will soon seem like a bargain.
Do you get to kiss the garter of the monarch? The ring? curtsy before the Sheriff of Nottingham?

Voting in UK?! what are the choices? socialists vs. cryptocommies vs. europhiles vs. loopy barking statists?
Screaming Lord Sutch is no more.

Dabbling in felonies offers some promise of morbid entertainment. Impersonating an Egyptian, poaching a tench, buggerie of a bunnie or pheasant, possession of a lurcher, approaching HRH’s highway with sootened face, sorcerie, lying with beast, etc.

What about petroleum these days? does it come in 12 ounce cuppas of clay with excise stamps of Duchy of Bretogne? Quite soon it will be profitable to smuggle the petroleum through the Chunnel disguised as lipstick or lens cleaning solution.

Only worthwhile sport the Britishers have is ferreting, amongst the impecunious commoners who cannot approach foxing proper. When it is too rainy (which this being Old Blightey it usually is) the list of hobbies covers the fizzy alka-pop, soap operas and deliveries to and through tradesmen’s entrance.

You have wanted it for a long time though and it is silly to put a price on dreams. If you are happy then we are all happy, and thank you for bothering to let us know.

Comment from Scott Jacobs
Time: June 23, 2011, 12:27 am

Thing I do not want to be when I grow up

Well, either way you’re safe… I mean, you’d have to grow up first, right? πŸ™‚

Also commit felonies and not get deported.

Such details are always important…

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: June 23, 2011, 1:18 am

For Mitchell:
She’ll have to apply for it, of course! I mean, it’s not as if she’s a raghead or anything like that.

For SWeas:
Over here, Uncle Shithead says that Illegal Aliens are a Preferred Species. How can it not be the same over there, when imitation of the European Socialist Paradise is the fondest dream of the Muslim in Chief and his toadies?

Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: June 23, 2011, 1:29 am

I sure hope that the strike doesn’t muck up my daughter’s second attempt to head to England-land for grad school.


Comment from Oceania
Time: June 23, 2011, 2:57 am

Don’t worry Weasel – I’m an illegal alien in the USA … I over-stayed my electronic entry criteria … and am now resident in Simi ‘Chernobyl’ Valley California

I’m really starting to enjoy life in the USA … there is welfare (two years funding! It’s better than a postdoc!) and these funny little stamps that you can get for ‘food’. It’s almost like England in 1939 with food rations.
I managed to swap my kiwi international drivers licence for a Californian one, however every time I see a car coming toward me on the left, I instantly slam on the brakes. Weird.

As soon as I turned up at a bank, I asked if they had online banking. Sure enough, the nice lady issued me a bank account number, but asked for a ‘Social Security’ number. I asked what that was – but said I had just arrived off the banana boat, and was looking to set up my accounts before starting work, and could I transfer some money from NZ – and get an EFTPOS card? No verification required, Money is the International language. I did ask if I could use Obamas, and the big black lady at the back desk started chuckling. πŸ™‚

So far the place is a dive, it’s like it all stopped in 1979 and hasn’t yet entered the 21st century, as it is caught in some temporal displacement field.

Jobs are easy, just walked into the local physics department – instant tutoring an supervision .. just like that!

I’m figuring I’m now entitled to Vote πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

The funny thing is, that I could enter LAX whilst being an illegal overstayer.

Hmmmm time for me to find out where Chappy lives – can’t be that far away.



PS: Can someone please stop putting fructose in lemonade here? It is GAY and makes one vomittttt … it should be sucrose – or nothing at all.

Comment from JuliaM
Time: June 23, 2011, 4:47 am

“They aren’t about to let the civil service fuck up the tourist trade…”

…any more than they already have, that is.

Comment from Oceania
Time: June 23, 2011, 6:22 am

I think I have just seen Lord Lucan!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 23, 2011, 10:43 am

If you’re in California, Oceania, you may have seen Whitey Bolger. They got him at last!

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: June 23, 2011, 10:59 am

Damnit, Oceania, based on recent precedent, forget voting, you’re entitled to run for President!

And I would remind Mr S-G Mix that, however dire things may be here (and the are), at least we don’t have to suffer that particular indignity.

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: June 23, 2011, 7:59 pm

I am sure, Uncle Badger, that voting for Prince Chas is a source of relief and sustenance for your compatriots. “An odd chap, he is, but at least he is not BHO”.
House of Windsor is just a shell game to disguise German roots. Roots of rather shallow and recent nature, as you shall no doubt appreciate, being a burrowing specialist and whatnot.

On an unrelated note, these 3 proper Britisher blokes drove through my hometown and I commend them on keeping a stiff upper lip. I have been known on occasion to break my composure and basic commandments of concealment.


at 0:14 it’s US Marine One. It flies so low above my deck that I have no problem seeing a tread on the tires.
Should you encounter a simian feral hominid juggling his glands it is either a signal of fertile availability or the itch caused by a fungo-bacterial condition is getting too pre-occupying. Ooook-oook! mook!

Comment from Sigivald
Time: June 23, 2011, 9:44 pm

If they’d fire people who strike, they’d stop striking.

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: June 23, 2011, 10:53 pm

But Sigivald, that simply is not the British way of doing things…

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 23, 2011, 11:17 pm

Mark, that knock at the door? Margaret Thatcher, come to kick your ass.

She old, but she still got the pointy shoe.

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: June 24, 2011, 2:24 am

The Britisher Isles, being sort of cut off from the main branch of evolution and possessing meager quantities of edible victuals developed its own infra-class of proto-human fauna.

Britisher Fimmels pose a rather intriguing study opportunities for an ethnographer and recreational anatomist.
In European tribes the issue of procreation is solved by an elegant design of placenta. The fertilization is internal and so is the gestation, and the fetus appears well formed and is nursed from mammary organs (blouse kittens).

The Britisher Fimmel cannot reap the benefits of broader gene pool and aside from four pair of molars (three of which are frequently lost either form poor hygiene or territorial tussles) she relies on either ejecting a larval Britisher weighing about 5 3/8 drams or laying small greyish speckled eggs. Sparse curd-like lactation occurs along the folds of the abdominal epidermis, where the fur is not so coarse and stiff.

The ones most fecund and rightfully deemed by hereditary reason to assure the survival of the tribe are called “Queens” and afforded nutritious diet, secluded place well guarded by drones and ritual submissive behavior of the worker class. The noted Queens of olden days used to lay whole clusters of eggs, either in pouches woven from bulrush or simply matted seaweeds sprinkled with peat when times were tougher and Danish longboats paid a recent visit.
Modern Queens (like most everything nowadays in the curious mudland) have lost the cachet, the reproductive prowess and are seldom taken seriously except by Ministries of Tourism, Silly Walks and Ceremonial Pooferie.

On one hand, a Britisher fimmel is a hardy beast capable of scratching up her own sustenance especially if the door to the kitchen is seldom locked.
Throw her in the shaded, moist back yard with a few large boulders and a fistful of dried herring and she will last a goodly length of time.
On the other hand, there are many more intriguing models with far greater degree of utility and sophistication.

Britisher Fimmels have no known predators since extinction of dire wolves and nobody really fancies them since Neanderthals shuffled their mortal coils but one has to be careful with hedgehogs. If by carelessness the hedgehogs will enter the Fimmel enclosure their rate of flea infestation goes up quickly to intolerable levels.

Comment from Oceania
Time: June 24, 2011, 4:13 am

Bolger? Jim Bolger? Oh I have seen the old PM for ages …. we used to call him Mr Potato Man ….

Comment from j2
Time: June 24, 2011, 5:06 am

….commit the felony…
and vote anyway….. screw ’em

you can do it stateside….
wtf; i thought the uk was ahead of the curve….

Comment from Oceania
Time: June 24, 2011, 6:15 am

The UK? Grad school? They give you 3 years for your PhD there – then you are out on your arse.
Make sure you have everything written up before you start – and don’t do an experimental topic.

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: June 24, 2011, 12:23 pm

Hey SWeas:
The One and his toadies won’t let her in the country. Janet and Eric are waiting for her to try. And they’ve got the Department of Education SWAT team:
on standby to attack the plane if she even dares to try.

For after all, that IS what American “Law Enforcement” is all about. Stockton is claiming they had NOTHING to do with the raid, even though at least TWO of their officers were present for the entire operation. The stench is overwhelming.

That knock on my door is far more likely to be “Law Enforcement”, since I have made it clear to them how much I appreciate the OUTSTANDING job they are doing…

Comment from Bimini Twist
Time: June 24, 2011, 5:09 pm

More Weasels ought to be let in, less of the eaters.


Comment from Oceania
Time: June 25, 2011, 8:32 am

I have not been bothered by anyone .. most curious.
I did see some armed police – Latinos. So rocked up to them for a chat and a chin wag. Reasonably professional but looked stressed and busy.

Weasel – get yourself detain at Her Majestys Pleasure … or heavens above – get married.

I get grumpy looks in the UK … as someone from the Colonies is viewed as mere night-time dinner entertainment. And of course, when someone asks what you do for fun “Oh I do like deerstalking” What’s that old boy? “Oh we hunt deer – bang bang.” and all of a sudden they think that you are some sort of Earl or Lord of the Manor.
“Oh, and how do you hunt, with dogs?”
Oh no, we use dogs for the pigs, Captain Cook Pork is delicious!”
“No we use the Helicopter for hunting deer – one can sling at least 5 carcusses underneath if you glide downhill on a slope.”

Hilarious! πŸ™‚

That usually starts the Pandemonium for the Evening off.
Apparently I broach all class lines, which is ironic.
I find the Lorded gentry highly entertaining and approachable, yet the others are some offended by ones open sensibilities.

Just down the road in my old home town, was a house which was built for the illigitmate Heir to the throne of King George the V th … I wonder if his decendants can return and throw their weight around?

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: June 25, 2011, 2:54 pm

Captain Cook = Long Pig.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Comment from It Is Now September…
Time: June 25, 2011, 11:40 pm

… in the English Countryside.


Comment from Oceania
Time: June 27, 2011, 6:40 am

Yes SSAF we call them Captain Cookers – Or Captain Porkers.
Best dealt with using a 185 grain 303 round, or two.

There was a island where they have been inbreeding for 300 years, and turned into these Savage Nasty Animals that build large underground trench warrens, and would attack if approached.

Turns out, that their tissues are very useful, and their beta islet cells are compatible for human xeno-transplant, and cure type I diabetes. Ironically the first surgical implants were done on Russian patients, whom enjoy cures, with no ill effects … although there are unconfirmed reports of them squeeling during their sleep.

There was another group working on enzymatically digesting their cells from their connective tissue organs, and replacing them with cultured human cells and stem cells. That was 5? years ago … its all classified in some super secret Kiwi research base that is off limits somewhere remote.

Comment from Oceania
Time: June 28, 2011, 12:56 am

Man – you folks have some serious rabbit problems- and they are all big and fat.
In NZ use RCD virus .. haemmorahhhhggic

Comment from Hiyu
Time: July 5, 2011, 6:30 pm


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