Please make my dairy products shut up leave me alone
I like sour cream. In fact, I like anything with the word ‘cream’ in it. Ice cream, clotted cream, cream of wheat, creamed corn, aspercreme, Thomas Neill Cream: give me it! On a biscuit!
You know what kind of cream I don’t like? Preachy cream. I bought this unfamiliar brand of sour cream because it had the longest sell-by date on the shelf, and look wht was printed inside, on the foil seal: If life gives you limes, just rearrange the letters and return a smile.
Ugh. Horrible. That doesn’t even scan good. How about, if life gives you limes, make margaritas?
Okay, maybe a dairy doesn’t want to promote booze (though LOLcats teamed up with Jones Soda, surely another Sign of the Apocalypse). I don’t think it’s too much to ask my food not to make me feel actively nauseated.
Anyhow, that’s not what I’m flexed about. Side B is what I’m flexed about. One of the great things about sour cream is that it’s immortal. It starts out sour; there really isn’t anywhere for it to go (that’s not original, but I’m damned if I can remembered who said it first). When it’s tired of life, sour cream just goes green and hairy.
I always have a container of sour cream on hand, sometimes long enough for us to develop a personal relationship. So when I read The container date indicates how long unopened Daisy will remain fresh. TO PROLONG FRESHNESS AFTER THE FOIL SEAL IS REMOVED: Spoon out the Daisy you’ll need and promptly return to refrigerator, I considered it a complete violation of the sour cream contract, that sacred covenant between Weasel and ultra-pasteurized dairy products.
Last night, I tried to enjoy my baked potato the usual way, with the wide open carton of sour cream at my elbow, ready to add supplementary sour creamy goodness at my merest whim. But it preyed on me. It niggled at my attention. Could I really hear tiny spores landing on the surface with a soft, ripe shush, like early snow? I put the lid on. But inside, wasn’t it still gently warming? Making a hospitable home for those spores I heard earlier?
So I spooned out the Daisy I needed and promptly return to the refrigerator.
Damn you, Daisy. Damn you in all four cardinal directions. Damn you right into the parched, airless desert of the non-dairy aisle, where you belong. I’m handing you itembe, Daisy. I don’t know what the hell one of those is, but I reckon you can rearrange the letters and bite me.
April 28, 2008 — 4:52 pm
Comments: 37
Badger’s greenhouse came!
Good to see him happy again. He’s been disconsolate ever since he broke his giant banana.
April 26, 2008 — 11:43 am
Comments: 77
Let’s kill stuff — for Gaia!
Happy Earth Day! Yes, today’s the actual date, though NPR is pretty much observing Earth Week. (I listen to NPR so you don’t have to. You’re welcome).
Yesterday they ran a little feature called Food Footprint: Minimizing Greenhouse Gasses (yes, with “gasses” spelled like that…when did that become okay?).
Did you know that 18% of the world’s greenhouse gases are produced by “animal agriculture”? Animal agriculture: making and moving meat.
Turns out cows are especially bad, because hippies hate beef. Raising a cow and bringing it to market releases thirty six pounds of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere for every pound of edible meat.
So I’m thinking…hunting has got to be the greenest thing on Gaia’s green earth. It tranforms dangerous wild animals — animals that would otherwise spend their lives destroying nascent forests and emitting harmful fumes into the atmosphere — into healthful, planet-saving food.
Why let Al Gore have all the fun? Once we work out the lifetime carbon load of various animals, every hunter is his own one-man carbon credits business.
“Mornin’, Sir. I’m taking carbon orders. Will you be needing a rabbit-sized credit or the deer-sized credit today?”
April 22, 2008 — 12:28 pm
Comments: 102
The League of Duck-Slaying Moonbats
Well! Who would ever have thought? The American Hunters and Shooters Association has endorsed Barack Obama.
Who they? you may ask. Ignoring your appalling grammar for the moment, the AHSA is a flakey-fakey “gun-rights” organization set up solely to endorse far left entities like Barack Obama so all you beery gun-humping rednecks will think he’s a bit of okay.
It was founded in 2005 by Ray Schoenke, a Kos diarist who, in fairness, really does shoot ducks, apparently. At least, most of his conversations seem to take place in a duck blind. Schoenke has pissed away thousands on Handgun Control, Inc., Americans Coming Together and a dozen of the sleazeballingest Democrats ever to run for public office. So when Schoenke says “nonpartisan” you can be sure he’s just said a word that has four syllables.
The AHSA domain was originally registered to DCS, a Democrat new media operation, but they must have realized that didn’t look good.
Also not looking so good? Having John Rosenthal, once Chairman of the Massachusetts gun-grabbers Stop Handgun Violence, on the board. Under the bus with you, sir! Or, as they put it, “we acknowledge that his active involvement with certain gun control organizations made it very difficult for Mr. Rosenthal to subscribe to and support our policies that at times could be inconsistent with those of a pro-gun hunting and shooting organization.” I haven’t diagrammed a sentence in a real long time, but I’m pretty sure that one is accidentally WAY closer to the truth than they intended.
Their web site reads like somebody sat down of an afternoon and thought, “okay, but what if I really did like guns? What would that sound like?” Or as David Petzel of Field and Stream put it, “Mostly, their position statements are vapid, along the lines of ‘Don’t push old ladies into moving traffic. Don’t set stray dogs on fire.'”
In fact, the web site appears to be all there is to the AHSA. That, and press releases. And it’s working…kind of. US Snooze briefly reported the endorsement with a straight face. The Washington Post did a bit on them, too. I loved this part:
As proof of his gun-toting credentials, Schoenke says he likes nothing better than heading to Maryland’s Eastern Shore and shooting a duck, then cleaning it, cooking it and eating it. “I own guns,” he boasts. “I have guns everywhere.”
I have guns sticking out all over my body. When I open my mouth, guns fall out. On hot Summer days, guns ooze out of my pores. I shit guns, I swear to god. It’s hard to say which part of murdering a small fluffy animal I like best: the warm, slippery lifeblood pouring over my fingers, or the part where my teeth meet in its throat and the terrified thrashing and kicking get slower…slower…slower.
I love when lefties play pretend ‘winger: they’re so delightfully tone deaf.
Schoenke hopes this macho, carnivorous image will make pro-gun voters more open to accepting “common sense” limits on gun buying. Such changes can’t be so bad, he wants gunners to say, if fellow enthusiasts also support them.
Ch’mere! Ch’mere, rednecks! Gun! Pretty gun! No, no…lookit the gun! No, don’t look at the legislation, lookit the gun!
I’ve heard of these guys before, through the NRA (Schoenke has a massive hate-on for the NRA). Then Jonn of This Ain’t Hell posted about the Obama endorsement a couple of days ago. I went from there to Confederate Yankee to Say Uncle. Lots of stuff out there about them; there’s nothing new here. But it’s important to pile on. The AHSA exists solely to give pro-gun cred to anti-gunners.
That dog won’t hunt.
April 21, 2008 — 5:46 am
Comments: 61
Ta, le pew: some days this is just too easy
Le Stink: England engulfed by terrible smell as freak weather blows in French stench
Pong in the air is ‘Euro-whiff’
I don’t even have to write anything, do I?
April 18, 2008 — 9:23 am
Comments: 30
An equality of misery: the only equality government can guarantee
The downside of the new, expanded Moronosphere: I keep reading stuff I want to go back to and I can’t remember where I saw it. Here’s one I managed to find again, thanks to Andrew’s Dad.
You probably heard that Cuba is finally going to unban cellphones (legally, anyway — a lot of ordinary Cubans had cadged phones off tourists). Here’s the charming way the AP put it:
Getting through the day without a cell phone is unthinkable now in most developed countries, but Cuba’s government limited access to cell phones as well as kitchen appliances, hotels and other luxuries in an attempt to preserve the relative economic equality that is a hallmark of social life in communist Cuba.
Got that? To preserve relative economic equality, you must ban basic goods the rest of the world takes for granted. The equality of communism is an equal grinding poverty.
Why? Because you can’t make a poor man into a rich man by giving him money, but you can make a rich man poor by taking his stuff away and not letting him amass more. Rich and poor aren’t static qualities; they flow from attitudes and behaviors. The moment Cuba takes oppression away, some people — by fair means and foul — will manage to accumulate more than others.
You know the old saying: you could divide the world’s money equally among us and, five years later, we’d all be right back where we started. Me, I think there’d be some degree of permanent shift: good and bad luck are a factor in some fortunes. But the general principle holds.
You only have to look at the number of people whose lives are ruined by winning the lottery. Like these lumpen idiots who won £100,000 on a scratch ticket in 2006. They’ve pissed it all away, and now they’re back demanding government benefits.
That didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was the reaction of posters on the site where I read about it: many said government benefits are a right and lottery winnings are a windfall that is supposed to be pissed away on luxuries.
An attitude of poverty.
April 16, 2008 — 12:34 pm
Comments: 37
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Meh. Stupid weasel. I had something I wanted to post about, but I forgot to upload the picture that goes with.
So I’ll post this thing, which is a sort of Incredible Hulkweasel.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking there’s NO WAY that’s a lady weasel. I was going to say it doesn’t make much difference with weasels, but the truth of the matter is, I just really hate drawing women.
Seriously. They’re all squishy and wobbly and boring.
April 14, 2008 — 11:22 am
Comments: 59
Doo, doo, doo, lookin’ out my back door
Okay, if you don’t let out a little squeak and fall over dead out of SHEER CUTE, you have no soul (it’s the out of focus dude in the background digging on the sunshine that lands the fatal blow).
April 12, 2008 — 7:34 am
Comments: 14
Heresy!
Okay, y’all know the temperature has been flat for a decade, right? And now it looks like, thanks at least in part to La Nina, it’s going to get substantially colder this year.
Well, BBC News did a fairly dismissive little story about it which included the line “A minority of scientists question whether this means global warming has peaked.”
That kicked off an email exchange between a Warmist true believer, Jo Abbess, and the reporter in question, Roger Harrabin. He argued with her a little, but eventually caved and weakened the article.
Okay, here’s the great part: Jo Wotsit was so proud of herself, she published the whole email exchange on the Web. Bee-yootiful.
The thread is worth reading, while it’s still up. It’s full of bluster and threat. If it gets taken down, the Junk Science blog has got it. I first ran across this at the Dick List. Our friends at BBC Biased are nattering about it. And here’s Mad Mel in the Spectator.
Have you ever wondered how much shit we would be in if the other side weren’t so damned stupid?
April 11, 2008 — 1:07 pm
Comments: 38
Y’arrrr! Get it offa me!
The Rules: 1. Write your own six word memoir. 2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want. 3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere. 4. Tag at least five more blogs with links. 5. Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play…
I was going to go with “This one time, at band camp…” which nicely captures my lifetime of lighthearted, cheerful inappropriateness. But I’ve never actually seen American Pie, I just know that one scene (and that other scene), so…probably not a safe pick.
Then I thought about, “Okay…one more won’t kill me,” but that’s really more the epitaph I’m hoping to have. Either that, or “oh, sure…it’ll hold my weight.”
“Screw it — I’ll do it tomorrow” is a pretty good pick. As is “living just enough for the city” and “any lazier and I’d stop breathing.”
But I think I’m going to go with “so much promise, so little accomplishment.”
And I’m not going to tag anyone, on account of it plinks my social
phobia something awful. I have this mental image of my taggee looking
down at my link in the dashboard and hissing, “you’re touching me!”
— 8:33 am
Comments: 3